Dan has kept his feelings for Phil hidden for too long and it all becomes too much at Christmas.
The annual Christmas market was up and Londoners browsed it in the hope of finding a cheap, last minute gift for their parents or other halves; young couples stood arm in arm at the hog roast stand, sharing the apple sauce and giggling when it trickled onto their oversized coats; old men and woman took in the Christmas spirit at the arts and crafts stalls, spending two hours just sniffing the oak bits and pieces; and Christmas music echoed across the city, weaving in between the town houses and forcing the atmosphere through every open door or window.
Throughout all of this beauty and wonderment, Dan Howell was spending his second hour trying to work the electric fireplace. He had even googled it... but that only lead to the distraction of twitter, tumblr and YouTube. Most people would say he was addicted to the internet. They would be correct.
Dan was on all fours in front of the fireplace, frowning in frustration at the lifeless fireplace that seemed to be reluctant to spring to life. He bit his lower lip and dropped his head in defeat. Why was technology so complicated? He cursed under his breath. The two story apartment was pleasantly warm, unlike the outdoors, so Dan had left Phil to battle the snow on his own whilst he got some late presents for his family. He had been gone for a while now. Dan guessed he had gotten distracted by the cuddly toy stand. His favourite place during the winter.
They had woke up in the morning and Phil had almost instantly ran into Dan's bedroom, begging him to go out to the Christmas market together but he was too warm and didn't fancy being pushed around by screaming children in the freezing cold. There was something so satisfying about being tucked up in bed in the warmth whilst snow fell outside and the cold rattled on the window, like a homeless person searching for refuge.
Christmas was always special with Dan and Phil: they spent it mostly together, making their own dinner and listening to their favourite songs. It was more personal because they knew each other inside out. Their Christmas' were perfect.
But then they moved to London, a few months ago now and everything changed. Things were... different now.
It wasn't working, this pretence. He may feighn indifference when Phil walked into the room. Or uninterest when he started to talk. But Dan was fooling no one. Least of all himself. The truth was, the harder he tried to cool it, the deeper he fell. Sometimes he did manage to avoid being alone with him, or even talking to him for a day. But it didn't change the way he felt. If anything it made it worse. The ache he had inside. He remained amused by his humour and intruiged by his conversation. If there was something about Phil he didn't like, some annoying habit or objectionable aspect of his personality, it would give him a chance. Allow him to focus on the bad points. But he had yet to find anything to sway him from the view that he would be happy to spend the rest of his life with him.
A few years he had known him. And yet it felt like a lifetime. He didn't make a habit of this. Falling for someone so quickly. It had never happened to him before. Dan didn't think he even believed in it. Previous girlfriends have always grown on him. Friendships that drifted into relationships, fizzled out and drifted back again. Like with his ex, Cat. This was something entirely different. Though of course Phil was not his boyfriend. And almost certainly never would be.
Dan shook his head to bring himself out of this downward spiral of thought that he usually struggled to get out of. Nope, the fireplace wasn't working for him. He slid back onto his backside and crossed his legs. Now all he had to do was wait for Phil to get back and refrain from telling him everything that he was feeling.
A few long minutes crawled passed and Dan was leant back, allowing the warmth of the apartment wash over him, when he heard the front door open and close. He clambered to his feer and rushed over to the living room door, almost tripping over as he did so. His heart skipping several beats.
Leaning against the door frame and crossing his ankles, Dan watched Phil walk up the stairs with about five bags in his glove clad hands. Dan smiled as he examined Phil, the butterflies flaring up in his stomach, battling for dominance within him. He looked paler than snow, his skin icy and probably freezing cold; his glistening blue eyes stood out from the snow drops in his eyelashes; his recently cut, night black hair was dotted with snow and slightly windswept; he was, as usual, overly wrapped up for the weather, with a big black coat, a thick scarf and gloves for warmth. It made Dan roll his eyes.
As soon as Phil's eyes fell on Dan's tall, thin body, his eyes lit up and a sweet, innocent, smile spread across his face. Perfect. Dan casually strolled forward and took two bags from him. It took everything within him not to lean forward and kiss him on the cheek. Like a normal couple would.
Phil placed the bags down on the hallway floor briefly in order to remove his outer wear. He hung up his coat and scarf and left the gloves on the radiator, which was his usual ritual. Dan frowned at him questioningly, eyeing him up and down as he noticed the red Christmas jumper clad with snowmen and snowflakes that he was wearing.
"What the hell are you wearing, Phil?" Dan smirked, reaching forward and catching the fabric in between his index finger and thumb, toying aimlessly with it. Phil glanced down and quickly looked back up at Dan, flashing him a proud grin.
"Oh yeah! Almost forgot!" Phil subtly winked and dug into one of the bags he had put on the floor. Dan's eyes lingered on Phil's pale hands and groaned outwardly as he pulled out a matching jumper but in blue. Although Dan felt his heart warm at Phil's consideration, he couldn't help but drop his head in his hands, shaking his head as he did so: "I bought us matching Christmas jumpers! They're so adorable, I couldn't resist..."
Dan took the jumper from him and held it up before himself, examining it. Peering over the neckline, he raised an eyebrow at Phil. He wasn't surprised.
"Phil. Babe. Are we actually gonna wear these?" he laughed his high pitch laugh, a blush creeping up his cheeks and his dimples appearing profoundly.
"Obviously. Put it on." Phil demanded light heartedly. Dan seemed to like 'demanding Phil'. It always triggered the tingling in his navel. The white hot passion burning within him.
With a little hesitation Dan gripped the bottom of his t-shirt and began pulling it up his body, over his head; revealing his slim, tanned body; his hip bones protruding just above his jean's waistband, beneath his smooth skin.
Phil couldn't help but stop and stare.
Dan was so beautiful.
Their life living together was a cycle of wanting but not having and fighting and leaving; followed by making up and pretending nothing happened. How childish.
His eyes fixated on Dan's facial features. The bright chocolate eyes that were more familiar than the hairs on the back of his hands; the small pink lips that wore a natural, slight pout; the dimples that portrayed his blissful innocence; the smile that haunted his dreams. His hair was slightly curly, the dark brown locks sweeping across his forehead. That was his 'hobbit hair'. It was almost more volumised when it was curly and although Dan hated it, Phil thought he'd never looked so beautiful.
Just before Dan pulled the jumper all the way down, Phil spotted the scars on his stomach for the millionth time. They tainted his angelic body, the deep red slashes silently screaming out for help. He sighed. It was sad that Dan had felt the need to do that due to the heartless words that cowards spar at him as he was growing up. Although the bullying had ceased, the cutting was on going.
Dan tucked his hands deep inside his pockets and shrugged awkwardly, shuffling from foot to foot. He always felt uncomfortable standing before people, but the way Phil appeared to be admiring him, he felt flattered and relaxed beneath his glare. He could taste the tension. The temptation to launch himself at him and wrap his arms around his neck was almost overwhelming.
"Uhh... so, how does it look?" Dan asked shyly, biting down on his lip; a habit of his. Phil finally dragged his eyes from his mouth and quickly nodded. His throat dry.
"Oh, er, yeah, you look... great. Really Christmasy." he smiled at him and they both stood silently in the narrow hallway.
"Thank you." Dan mumbled and rubbed the back of his neck. Before more could be said, Dan's mind wandered back to a few weeks ago, to the last fight they had. It was all his fault, of course. It always was. That was another reason why the scars tainted him. He hated himself. Full stop. Phil had told Dan that he had feelings for him. Thats when everything had really kicked off. Dan had freaked out. Totally flipped out at Phil. Denied everything. Denied the fact that he had feelings for him too. That he felt the exact same. And now he was craving everything that the man he loved had offered him and he was miserable. He could be happy. He had pushed that away. Like he had pushed everything else he loved away. Ever since then they had done nothing but fight and make up repeatedly.
He could still remember the look in Phil's eyes when he looked Dan straight in the eye and said those words; "I think I'm falling in love with you." But he could also clearly see the look of hurt quickly seep in when Dan turned away in shock and denied that anything could ever happen. He still felt guilty to this moment.
Dan had said things that he didn't mean and now he couldn't take it back. He had to pay for what he did by feeling this cruel wanting and guilt he was too afraid to cure. Looking at Phil now and knowing how he felt was like torture. A constant reminder at how he was hurting both of them. The truth was, Dan was afraid of how he felt and who he felt it for. Maybe he needed to just man up and tell him everything now.
Just as Dan opened his mouth to speak, Phil broke the silence.
"So, when I was out I saw a really nice little cafe that was decorated all nice and theres this big window that looks over the city and-"
"I'd love to go with you. Tonight?" Dan suggested suddenly and as sweetly as possible. A small smile bubbled at the corner of his mouth and he bowed his head a little, peering up at him from beneath his floppy hair.
Phil looked slightly surprised but hastily nodded all the same: "Sure. I'd love to, yeah." he smiled back at him. They fell into silence again. For the millionth time that week.
"How about we just head out now? I could always do with some scones." Dan continued and reached for his black coat that was hung up to his left.
"Ok. We're gonna look so funny in our matching jumpers," he giggled childishly, "like an old married couple."
Dan managed a smile as he buttoned up his coat.
"Yeah... that doesn't sound too bad." he mumbled whilst holding the door open for Phil. He wished that he had said it louder and much sooner.
The small cafe sat on the second floor of a company building and Dan and Phil chose to sit at the nearest table to the window that stretched along the whole of one wall. Dan was slightly distracted by the Christmas market below but Phil kept his eyes on Dan. They had ordered a coffee each, a tray full of scones that they kept at the centre of the table, and even a soup for Dan and a tuna melt for Phil. There was no way they'd eat all of this, but they had already worked their way through most of the scones.
Dan's eyes kept wandering back to Phil, silently begging him with his stare to bring back up this complication that was obviously lingering on their tongues. People had given them a few looks as they bustled in wearing their matching jumpers; Dan had heard a middle aged woman mutter something along the lines of "what a cute couple". He couldn't help but blush but Phil didn't seem to have noticed.
"It looks so pretty out there." Phil stated as he gazed amongst the hustle and bustle of the christmas market. Dan almost jumped as he was snatched out of his thoughts. He nodded.
"Yup, its really nice. We should check it out in a bit." Dan suggested light heartedly, giving Phil a small wink, although he wasn't sure why. Phil didn't react much though. Although Dan was sure he noticed his cheeks flush a pale pink colour.
"That would be nice. We could show of our jumpers!" Phil was obviously more enthusiastic about this then Dan was. As Dan scanned over Phil's face, he found himself caught between the truth and the lies that left him broken. He simply loved him and there was no more he could say. There was something about this love that was so pure and frustrating; knowing that Phil's feelings mirrored his own was heavenly yet sour. He wanted to go back on his word. He hated to think what he was putting Phil through.
All he could do was nod.
They remained there for the next 45 minutes, talking about this and that- mostly christmas- and avoiding the real conversation that clouded their brains and common sense. Why hadn't Dan just replied like he wanted to? Why did he have to stutter like an idiot instead of saying what he meant? How difficult was it to say "I think i'm falling in love with you too"? He mentally kicked himself.
They watched the way each other's mouths moved as they spoke and the smiles that crept across their enchanting faces. They constantly peered back at each other, avoiding their gazes to steer away from awkward blushing and distracted lip biting. There was so much tension between them. It was surprising that they hadn't already leaped across the table at each other and smothered one another with kisses.
As Dan reached for another scone, his finger tips lightly brushed along Phil's hand, which was resting casually on the table top. Dan's skin instantly heated up, the skin to skin contact causing a ripple of tingling pleasure to spread. Their eyes breifly shot up to each other's and they noticed the significant rose colour on their cheeks. Phil diverted his gaze to his hands and clasped them together on his lap. He cleared his throat.
"We should head out. I don't think I can eat anymore anyway." Phil chuckled and pulled some money out of his wallett. Dan nodded and stood up, ignoring the temptation to reach for Phil's hand. Like a normal couple would. Like he could if he wasn't such a wimp.
They left the cafe together and entered the snowy streets of London. The cold hit them like a brick wall but the atmosphere hit them like the soft snowflakes that landed softly in their dark hair. It looked like a winter wonderland.
If this were a movie, Dan would slip his hand into Phil's and they would look at each other like everything was perfect. Maybe even share a kiss. Instead they quickly gave each other a grin and continued forward, the sound 'Fairytale of New York' drifting to their ears.
"Wow... this gives me a lot of Christmas feels." Dan grinned and ran over to the stand nearby that sold foreign chocolates. Phil trailed along behind, his gaze falling on the ice rink that he spotted on the other side of the market. The music was playing from the DJ set there.
"Hey Dan, how about we hang out over there," Phil nodded his head over to the ice rink and tugged on Dan's sleeve, "come on, the musics louder over there."
"Sure, sure." Dan automatically linked his arm through Phil's. Phil felt his stomach flip excitedly but tried not to react too much; he just gave Dan a small, unconvincing smile and allowed him to lead him through the bustle of desperate shoppers and towards the ice rink, where lights twinkled brightly and reflected off the surrounding windows. The music was much louder and beautiful here.
Although there were people skating gently along the ice, there were others swaying to the songs playing around the outside, staring lovingly into each other's eyes. The scene was bright, vibrant, beautiful and colourful. It reminded Dan of their nights together. Their life together.
"Wanna dance? Everyone else is." Dan suggested, shrugging. Phil looked sideways at him and smiled.
"Why not?" he replied and laughed as Dan adjusted his fluffy grey hat, winking subtly and biting his lip. Phil's pulse quickened, like it always did when Dan bit his lip. It was somehow suggestive.
To Phil's surprise, he felt Dan slip his hand into his and interlock their fingers. Phil tightened his grip.
The next song rolled along, a slow steady beat. Dan snaked his arms around Phil's neck and Phil's wrapped securely around his waist. The song flowed on and they soon relaxed. Dan tilted his head slightly to the side and smiled so his dimples shone through brightly amongst his face, that had turned red in the cold of the night. He drifted closer to Phil, their bodies lingering mere inches from one another's. Phil was tempted to rest his head on Dan's shoulder but confidence wasn't on his side at the moment. Even if he was the most confident person in the world he couldn't talk anyway. Dan's eyes were far too mesmerising.
Why was Dan acting like this despite what he had said? Was he leading him on just to take the piss or did he mean it? Was he finally falling for him?
"We should put up some last minute decorations when we get home." Phil broke the silence and Dan nodded, although he didn't seem to be as enthusiastic as Phil. His brown eyes shot down to Phil's lips. He couldn't think of anything other than kissing Phil. It was taking over all his senses.
Without thinking, Dan fiercely pulled him closer, their bodies colliding. Heat went flying through his veins, invading his every artery and corner of his mind. They felt each other's chests heaving in the chill of the air and the heat of each other's embrace.
"You have such beautiful eyes Phil." Dan muttered, his lips barely moving. A slight frown appeared on his face as he concentrated on Phil's eyes. He brushed a stray strand of Phil's hair away from his face and bought his own face closer. Phil looked down at the closeness of their bodies and gulped nervously, glancing back up into the chocolate buttons that were Dan's eyes.
"Lets head back." Phil almost whispered, his voice almost breaking. Dan seemed to snap out of his trance as he swayed back a little, tightening his grip on Phil to stop himself from falling backwards.
Phil would of loved to stay there and dance with Dan all night but he didn't want to be led on if it wasn't going anywhere. He stepped back considerably and avoided Dan's confused glare.
"Right..." Dan frowned and thrust his hands deep into his pockets before shoving passed Phil and walking away, annoyed at Phil's behaviour.
The warmth of the apartment was more than welcoming after the frost outside and the light from the living room rushed to greet them. Dan's mood had dropped considerably over their walk home: annoyed that Phil had ruined the perfect moment he assumed they were both feeling. He was just worried that he had left it too long and he couldn't take back what he said all those nights ago.
As soon as the front door closed, Dan headed for the staircase. Phil stared after him, feeling confused. What had he done wrong this time?
"Where are you going? I thought we were going to decorate the living room." Phil called. Dan paused half way up the stairs and peered back over his shoulder.
"I'm just going to change into my pyjamas, ok? Calm down." he sighed exasperatedly and carried on up the stairs. Out of sight.
Phil entered the lounge and sat crossed legged on the wooden floor by the box of Christmas decorations, aimlessly pulling out bits of tinsle and baubles. Dan could be such a sassy bitch sometimes. It could get really frustrating. Especially since he was desperately in love with him but desperately wanted not to be.
It was about ten minutes late when Dan re-entered the room. But he wasn't wearing his pyjamas. As Phil's eyes wandered up Dan's thin, tanned legs and bare feet, he felt the familiar knots in his stomach tighten and pull desperately. Dan was wearing a pair of Christmasy boxers, red and clad with white snowflakes. Phil expected to see his pyjama top on his upper half but there was nothing there but a long single piece of gold tinsle draped over his shoulders, reaching right down to his hip bones. To top of this look he had plonked a santa hat over his curly hair and allowed the little white bauble to dangle before his forehead.
Phil knew he probably didn't mean to, but Dan look incredibly seductive.
He almost didn't see the scars.
Phil's eyes were fixated on the tall, slender figure leaning against the door frame; hands wrapped around the ends of the tinsle and ankles crossed. He was beautiful.
"I know these aren't my pj's but... they're more Christmasy anyway." he exaplainded before skipping confidently across the room to the radio and flicking it on. Funnily enough, Dan's Moulin Rouge CD was still playing so he skipped to his favourite song on the album 'Your Song'. Phil was still staring at him, icy eyes roaming his body.
"Lets decorate." Dan gave him another wink and sat on the floor close by Phil's side, their arms touching. Phil assumed that he was in a better mood now.
Later on in the night Dan stood in the middle of the room, swaying his hips to Mariah Carey's 'All I Want for Christmas is You' and dancing around like a hyper child on Christmas eve. Which basically was his case anyway. The santa hat had fallen off a while ago and was flopped over the arm of the sofa whilst Dan improvised his 'dance' moves and Phil watched with an amused chuckle escaping his lips now and again as he placed the star on the top of the tree that stood in the corner of the room.
"I just wanna see my baby standing right outside my door..." Dan sung in his slightly out of tune voice. He didn't even know if he was getting the lyrics right. Whenever he didn't know the words he would just mumble under his breath and hope for the best. Now and again he would collapse on the sofa to catch his breath. He got really excitable at Christmas.
Phil ran his fingers through his hair and sat back on the sofa, sinking into the back of it. He was tempted to close his eyes and drift off into a deep sleep but the loud music - and an incredibly sexy Dan dancing in the middle of the room- was keeping him awake. He wandered if Dan was doing this on purpose; trying to seduce him. Make him crack. Whatever his plan was, it was working. He was surprised that they weren't already banging.
"Hey... Dan, why don't you sit down for a while? I need to talk to you." Dan suddenly paused at the soft sound of Phil's voice and turned to him, running his fingers through his now scruffy hair and laughing breathily.
"Sure thing." He dived onto the sofa next to him, his chest heaving up and down and his arms reaching far above his head as he strectched. Phil sighed.
"Ok... I think we both know what this is about..." Phil began suggestively, nodding slowly in hope that Dan would catch on. He didn't. Phil continued: "Well, lets admit that things have been different between us recently and theres this.. tension and I've told you how I feel... but you keep doing this stuff, saying these things, and... well, i'm confused. About us, where we stand, y'know?"
Dan stared at him gormlessly, his mouth hanging open slightly and his body tensing. He knew it was coming. It was on the tip of their tongues all night. Dan bowed his head and just stared down at his lap, hoping that the right words would just come to him. But they weren't that far into the future and he had to think for himself instead of getting a robot to do it for him. Eventually, he shot out of his seat and turned to him, placing his hands abruptly on his hips, like the sassy bitch he was. Phil stared up at him.
"Phil. Lets get this sorted. Right now." Dan stated fiercely, cocking his head to the side. Phil shrugged and leant forward, placing his hands on his knees. He nodded for him to continue.
"If you cant already tell how I feel for you then i'm gonna have to show you," Dan shrugged and held out his hand for him, "you're obviously stupid."
It took Phil a while to react as he spent a while just staring up at him, wonderment in his blue eyes. Eventually, his hand slipped into Dan's and Dan pulled him up, a little abruptly. Their bodies collided momentarily and Dan kept hold of his hand loosely, trying to plan his next steps over in his head. He knew what he wanted to do, he had known for a while now but he didn't think it through exactly. So they stood their in silence for a while.
Suddenly Dan launched himself at Phil and wrapped his arms tight around his neck. And he pulled them in for their first kiss. Their lips crashed together and fireworks exploded as they collided. This feeling that it was meant to be grew in his stomach along with the need for closeness, for love. Their lips danced in perfect rhythm together; they parted as they caught their breath but hurried back to one another; the brief loss of contact making Dan whimper in disappointment.
Phil's hands searched frantically until they found Dan's hips and they rested there before pulling Dan closer, their hips colliding. A small moan escaped from in-between Dan's lips but it got lost amongst the kiss. He swayed with the dizziness and the euphoria that spread like wildfire in his veins.
Dan felt Phil apply force on Dan's hips, steering him to the opposite wall and pushing him roughly up against it. Dan felt slight pain ripple down his spine and hissed, gritting his teeth hard and screwing his eyes closed. Phil's hands roamed Dan's torso greedily, searching every dip and tracing his finger tips lightly over each individual scar. Silence seemed to be dominant around them. All they could hear was their unsteady breathing and the sound of their lips breaking apart now and again. Their lips separated one more time as Phil dragged his hands lazily down to the back Dan's thighs and heaved him off the ground, supporting him only with his hands and his hips that pushed against Dan's, pinning him up against the wall.
Dan gasped in shock of the cold and bit down hard on his lower lip, arching his back to gain closer contact with Phil's body. Their hips grinded together, moving in slight circles to increase the friction between them. It was all a whirlwind. Nothing like this had happened between them before. Sure, they had done little experiments when they were a little younger; maybe a kiss here and a hand job there, but nothing that really meant anything.
Once more, their lips met and Dan snaked his hands up the sides of Phil's body until they reached the sides of his face, cupping it gently and bringing his face even closer, their foreheads almost touching.
"I do love you Phil... of course I love you, i'm sorry..." Dan pleaded in a hushed whisper, their lips brushed against each other's but they didn't kiss again this time. Phil nodded.
"I know... I know..." he replied hoarsely. Dan's fingers sunk into Phil's dark hair and clasped onto it tightly, tugging slightly as Phil's mouth travelled down to his soft neck.
Dan threw his head back and allowed and audible moan to go free as the back of his head hit the wall. Although he was wearing nothing but his boxers (which were becoming considerably tighter with each kiss that was planted on his neck, shoulders and collar bones), he was feeling rather suffocated and over heated. Beads of sweat glistened on his forehead and chest and his breath was desperate and quick, rasping.
He wandered how Phil must be feeling.
With shaking hands, Dan gripped hold of Phil's jumper, tugging on it as a hint to remove it. Phil looked at Dan's hands and then back at his eyes, which were darkened with lust. Dan had always been a fiesty one.
"Please Phil..." he pleaded lowly as he began to slowly move the jumper up his skinny body. Phil momentarily pushed his hips defiatnly against Dan so he wouldn't fall if he moved his arms, and removed his jumper and t-shirt in a flash.
Dan could have sworn he had lost weight.
Although Phil had always resembled a twig, seeing him shirtless now, he realised how tiny and fragile he actually was. Dan saw his collar bones protruding significantly, as though they were trying to escape his icy skin; he noticed the way his stomach dipped considerably in between his narrow hips; and the way he looked edgy beneath his stare. He was aware that this was the way Phil was naturally, not caused by how little he ate, because Phil ate a lot; it was something to do with his metabolism or whatever.
Dan's fingers slid round to his back and danced along the outline of his shoulder blades, staring adoringly into his eyes. Phil smiled uncomfortably and bought his face down to Dan's chest, giving sweet kisses along his body, kissing beneath his collar bones and even around his nipples- which was surprising because Phil had a wierd phobia of nipples.
More whimpers and moans came from Dan and his body shook against Phil's, beginning to feel restrained in his boxers. He had never felt like this with everyone else. Obviously, pleasure was something he had experienced many times in his life but this was something more. This feeling broke the barrier, pushed passed the security guards and climbed up on stage; taking centre and singing out. He obviously restrained himself from actually singing, but he felt happy enough to do so.
"Phiiilll..." Dan's voice was strained and he screwed his eyes closed, feeling the other man gently suck on his neck, leaving red marks.
"Yes?" He breathed against his skin.
"Take me... take me to the sofa... p-please..." Dan stuttered shakily, his clumsy hands fumbling for the zipper on Phil's jeans. Phil nodded hastily and secured his hands on the back of Dan's thighs and carried him over to the sofa, nearly tripping over as he did so. Dropping Dan on the sofa, Phil leant over him, not ceasing the kisses that now travelled down his stomach.
Dan's legs hung over the edge of the sofa, his feet touching the floor now. His frustration was adamant now through his underwear. Phil watched and allowed Dan to sit up slightly, using his elbows as support, before he knelt down on the floor in front of him and settled between his legs, gaining access to his stomach again. His hands slid up Dan's sides, dragging his fingernails lightly with them. Dan winced but felt tingles of pleasure erupt beneath his skin at the same time. He had always noticed how slight pain had been a turn on for him. He didn't care if that made him weird.
"For f-fuck sake Phil... just do something..." Dan whined and nodded his head down towards his area that was clearly in need of attention. With a quick, obedient nod, Phil trailed his kisses passed his belly button and to his abdomen, bringing them across his hip bones and just above the waistband of his boxers, trailing his tongue lighty along his skin as he did so. Dan squirmed under his touch and automatically thrust his hips up slightly, begging for any kind of contact. Time to stop pissing around.
He gripped the waistband of Dan's boxers and began sliding them over his hips, nerves filling their stomachs as Dan revealed himself. Usually, of course, he would of felt over exposed and uncomfortable but right now he didn't care; he just wanted Phil to do something, anything with it. Eventually- after what seemed like a lifetime as the anticipation was so heavy- Phil had completely removed Dan's boxers and they now lay on the floor nearby. Dan was quite surprised at two things: the fact he had ended up naked in front of his best friend on Christmas eve night, and that he was so confident about it. That wasn't like him at all. He guessed that Phil just bought out the beast in him.
Phil admired him for a little while, just wandering how he had become so lucky on such a beautiful night. He mentally scoffed at all of the people stuck out in the snow without the warmth or the love of someone as perfect as Dan. This was a side of his best friend that he assumed he would never see, no matter how much he wanted to, but here he was and he wasn't about to let it go.
Keeping his eyes on Dan's, Phil wrapped his hand around the base of Dan's length, eliciting a throaty moan from him. Phil allowed the lullaby of Dan's unsteady breathing to hypnotise him and lull over him like a motivating melody. Slowly and gently, his hand began moving up and down his length; the speed and confidence picking up with every stroke.
"Oh God..." Dan's shaky voice escaped from his gritted teeth and his eyes remained closed. He would of loved to keep eye contact with Phil but it was near impossible when he was feeling this magnitude of pleasure coursing through him: "j-just suck me off... or s-something, p-please..." He was pretty sure he had never wanted something this bad in his life. Phil wasn't surprised at Dan's choice in language; he had always been frank and crude. It made him all the more sexy.
Before diving straight into the next step, Phil kissed the tip of Dan's member just to get him that much more excited. He had been holding out pretty well though. The hand that he was stroking Dan with, slowed to a halt, making Dan whimper against the loss of the skin to skin contact. He thrust his hips again, hoping to find his hand again but instead was met with the warmth of Phil taking as much of him as possible into his mouth.
Dan gasped in shock. Not just from the fact it was happening, but because of the ridiculous amount of bliss that he was experiencing. His eyes finally shot open and he wanted to scream out to the heavens, to just let go and be happy. His fingers entangled with Phil's hair and he gripped hold of it. Hard. His moans were loud and clear this time and he couldn't help but dig his nails deep into the back of Phil's head. He needed to steady himself before he fainted.
Phil's hand still remained at the very base of Dan's length, just giving the attention to the areas he couldn't reach, his fingers dancing like flickering flames against his skin. Dan felt the room spin around him as well as Phil's tongue sliding up his length in a corkscrew pattern. He tried to restrain but he couldn't help but push his hips forward abruptly, making Phil take him briefly out of his mouth as his gag reflex kicking in. Neither of them were used to giving head to it was understandable.
"Haha, s-sorry..." Dan laughed and stroked his hair comfortingly, smiling sweetly down at him. Phil chuckled quietly too.
"Thats ok." He flashed Dan a quick smile, his eyes sparkling before dipping his head back down. Although Dan had felt this sensation before, he couldn't help but still feel that new feeling of euphoria and bliss wash over him like a tidal wave, drowning him in the sweet sea of pleasure. His fists curled and his grip on the sofa was deadly. He needed something to hold onto before he could move too much again. Dan cried out before he could stop himself as he felt Phil's tongue flick over the head.
"Ugh, Phil!" Dan called, his voice hoarse and shaky and louder than anticipated. His body shook considerably and his grip tightened on the sofa's fabric. He couldn't help himself. He was so close now: "I'm g-gonna... oh God... wait. Stop." It was a difficult decision for Dan to make but he called the shot and Phil let Dan go, looking up at him with confusion and adoration in his eyes. His hair was more askew than usual and Dan gave him a reassuring smile.
"Whats wrong? Is everything ok?" Phil asked, sounding concerned. Once again, Dan stroked his hair, just to silently tell him everything was fine.
"Nothings wrong, Phil... Its just... we cant finish this before we even get started." Dan replied suggestively, biting his lower lip as he did so. He didn't give Phil a chance to reply. Instead, he placed his hands steadily on Phil's shoulders and pushed him gently back so he was sitting on the floor instead of kneeling, like before. Their eyes didn't leave each other's for a second as the moment slowly rolled on and Dan slid off the sofa purposefully and onto Phil's lap, his legs wrapping around the other boy's waist loosely.
They sat there in the silence for a moment. For the first time there was no tension around them, nothing unsual pressing down on them, making them feel uncomfortable. It felt right. Unconditionally and unexplainably right. Phil's fingers snaked through Dan's chocolate hair and as his hand came to rest on the back of his head, he pulled him in for a small, sweet, slow kiss. Their lips dragged lazily across each other's and their eyes fluttered closed. It was brief but they poured every ounce for love they could into it.
"I love you." Phil murmered sleepily, his hand stroking the side of Dan's face gently. Dan turned his face into Phil's touch and sighed.
"I love you too, Phil." Dan's dimples appeared as a grin spread across his face. His eyes shone when he placed his hand over Phil's and squeezed lightly. A part of him wanted to stay like that for the rest of the night, just staring into each other's eyes and waiting for Christmas day; the other part of him wanted to just have sex. The second half of him won this argument.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Phil asked him. Dan slowly nodded. He had been sure for a while now, he just wasn't aware of it.
"Certain." He stated, his voice breaking into a whisper as his eyes scanned his face, just wandering what this would be like. Should he be scared or excited? He wasn't sure. All he knew was that this feeling in his stomach and in his heart and head was telling him to just go for it. He placed his palms flat against's Phil's chest, warming up his cold skin, and trailed them down towards his navel, keeping their eyes locked together. He hooked him thumbs inside Phil's jeans and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at him, chuckling a little as he did so. He noticed a faint blush creep up Phil's cheeks and Dan's own face mirrored his.
Phil slid Dan back onto the floor carefully so he was sat down, his legs infront of him, so Phil could kneel up to remove his jeans properly. Dan assisted him in discarding his jeans and practically threw them to the side hurriedly, fiercly pushing Phil back down and clambering back onto his lap, hands roaming him greedily. Their lips crashed frantically together again and became more heated than before, mouths slipping to jawlines and necks now and again, exploring each other's skin, giving them everything they had wanted for a long time now.
Dan's tongue glided along Phil's neck and up to his jaw, giving him tiny kisses as he went along. Phil's right hand gripped onto Dan's brown locks and his left clasped his waist, pulling their bodies closer together, so that no space remained inbetween. Their skin slid against one another's the heat suffocating them, but they didn't part. Their tongues battled inside their mouths, exploring inside and tangling like a knot in a rope. Reluctant to separate. Their moans were lost in each other's mouths, amongst the tangle of tongues and it became difficult to determine what noise belonged to whom.
In the depths of his mind, Dan wandered which way round it would be; of course he didn't really mind who would be making love to whom but he was just getting a bit nervous about how this would lead into it. But he kept his brave act at the front line, bringing forward all of the confidence he could muster.
"This is crazy." he suddenly heard Phil laugh breathlessly when their lips parted momentarily. Dan laughed too and nodded in agreement.
"It actually is. But I like crazy." Dan said slowly, his voice low and he winked at him. He was really good at winking though, he could really pull it off. It was generally sexy; he was one of the few people who didn't resemble a demented seal when he winked.
"I know you do." Phil replied, a smile lingering on his lips.
Dan laughed more audibly this time, his voice high pitched as it usually was when he laughed. This time he didn't go back to kissing Phil, instead he grasped hold of the waistband of his boxers and tugged them down desperately. Dan was shocked by his own confidence. He had never had this sort of experience with a male before but he was being very upfront. He was sure it was only because of who it was with. Dan had never pictured himself falling in love before he met Phil.
When they were both left there, wearing nothing but smiles, Dan took a moment to kiss him on the head, a slow, lingering kiss. He pulled back and smiled. It was an adoring, sweet smile that seemed to tell Phil how much he meant to him; everything he was just thinking a moment before. Dan had been through a lot in his life: the constant criticism; the cutting; the ongoing, every day hurdles he couldn't over come; and he couldn't of climbed over them at all if it weren't for Phil. He would of tripped over a long time ago.
"So, how do you want to do this?" Dan finally asked, breaking the silence. Their foreheads were resting together and the sound of their heavy breathing were blocking out all of their other senses.
"Oh God... I'm not sure," Phil replied, biting his lip in thought, "its up to you, Dan. You're in charge tonight."
"Thats what I like to hear," Dan caught Phil's lower lip between his teeth and pulled, closing his eyes and nibbling passionately; "I want you to make love to me. Ok?" He stared into Phil's eyes intently, not breaking his stare for anything. He was looking for Phil's reply within his eyes. Trying to find nerves, confidence, love, anything.
"Ok..." Phil whispered and nodded stifly after what seemed to be the longest moment of Dan's lifetime. Dan relaxed a little, feeling an eruption of anticipation explode deep within him. He didn't know what to expect. He hadn't thought about how it would feel or how it would affect him but tonight he was willing to take any risks. He didn't care. It was going to be the best Christmas present ever. He quickly glanced over to the clock on the mantle and read the time as quarter to midnight. Time had really flown this evening.
"We both know what we're doing, yeah?" Dan chuckled, just making sure.
"Yeah, of course." he replied.
"Give me your fingers." Dan suddenly said, abruptly. He could feel some sort of desperation growing inside, a spot in his stomach expanding and spreading throughout his body, exploring every corner and filling out every cavern. He knew that this was right. That it was meant to happen tonight. Phil didn't wait to respond as Dan's tone was rather abrupt; he just loosely held up his middle and index finger to Dan, who wrapped his hand tightly around his wrist, giving him and enticing smile.
In the thickness of the silence, Dan bought Phil's hand closer to his face and slipped his fingers into his mouth. He lapped up as much saliva as possible as trailed his tongue around his fingers, his eyes drifting closed. Even his skin tasted like perfection. Dan was never one to brand anything as perfect but with Phil it seemed impossible not to do so with every little thing he did. Every detail he held.
When his fingers were completely wet, he removed them slowly from his mouth, eyes opening and meeting Phil's, who met his gaze with slightly wide eyes and parted lips.
"Do it." Dan ordered, tempted to kiss Phil again, but he held back. There was no point in delaying the inevitable anymore. Phil nodded and trailed his fingers ever so lightly down Dan's spine, their skin barely touching but at the moments when they did, Dan felt a pleasurable tingle follow his fingers. It was still weird to think that earlier that day they had been sat in the very same room playing video games, trying to dismiss the tension between them. Now they were preparing to make love. Although it was sudden, he knew he was ready. And looking into Phil's eyes, he knew that he was ready too.
Before he could slip a the first finger inside of him, Dan screwed his eyes closed and gritted his teeth, just preparing himself for whatever he was about to experience. He just didn't have a clue about how this was going to feel. When it finally happened, a slow, slightly uncomfortable process, Dan winced and sucked in a deep breath through his teeth.
"Sorry," Phil said quietly, looking truly apologetic, "I don't wanna hurt you."
Dan shook his head and gripped onto his shoulders, his nails digging into his skin: "No... no, Phil, its fine. Carry on." he said reassuringly, his eyes still closed. Although Dan said it was ok, Phil still waited for him to adjust to the feeling before adding a second digit. This time Dan was more relaxed and an audible moan slipped out of his mouth. He couldn't help himself. The more he got used to this feeling, the more pleasurable it became. He felt his fingers gently pump in and out of him, although he never pulled all the way out; just so Dan could become completely happy with this. Which was happening rapidly.
"Oh wow..." Dan's moans were unsteady and interrupted by his heavy breath as Phil began moving his fingers around inside of him, moving them in a scissoring motion. Dan let out a low moan, which became almost a desperate growl, reluctant now to let this sensation abandon him, but he knew it had to. He reassured himself that the feeling he would soon experience was bound to be much better. Much more intense.
"Are you ready?" Phil asked in a near whisper, kissing his collar bone gently. Phil removed his fingers from Dan, ever so slowly, almost as though he were teasing him. Dan bowed his head down and whimpered, squirming from the loss of the sensation. He let out a long heavy breath, his body shaking slightly. He nodded, eyes lazy.
"Y-yeah, definitely." Dan replied, aimlessly tracing his fingers over Phil's abdomen and smiling at him from beneath his floppy fringe. Phil clamped his hands onto Dan's waist and they smiled at each other as Dan lifted himself slightly.
"You're so beautiful, Dan." Phil sighed, his loved eyes burning passionately into Dan's soul and branding on his heart. Dan felt all of insides curl up tight and then release, melting within him, purely because of the warmth and happiness his love gave him. He didn't believe what Phil had said but he believed that Phil meant it. Although he thought that Phil must have had his vision impaired, he smiled anyway, stroking a strand of hair out of Phil's face.
"You're the beautiful one." Dan chuckled, rubbing his nose playfully against Phil's. Phil laughed quietly too and tightened his grip on Dan's waist. Their smiles slowly faded and the room fell silent and they both knew now was the time. Dan nodded, showing him that he was ok. That he was ready. That this was the time they would make love for the first time and hopefully not the last. He would have never thought that he would end up spending Christmas eve night making love with his best friend on the living room floor by the fire light. But here they were, eye to eye. Hearts beating rapidly, as though they were playing a game of ping pong with the inside of their chests.
Time slowed nearly down to a halt and they could almost hear the sound of the clock ticking, louder than their thoughts and their heart beats. Dan wrapped his legs tighter around Phil and lowered himself onto him, painfully slowly. The anticipation was killing them. The eagerness grew deep within them and Dan could already hear his breath coming out in short pants; maybe from the nerves or excitement, he wasn't sure, but he tried to calm himself and eventually, the moment arrived.
Dan's mouth instantly gaped open as Phil entered him. Though as he did, it was at such a slow pace, giving Dan a chance to become comfortable and used to this feeling. Dan gritted his teeth harder than before, waiting for the pain to fade away and the pleasure to kick in. And when it did, when they finally fit together like a jigsaw piece; Dan saw stars. The ticking of the clock ceased and the sky above him became visible in his mind. He saw shooting stars before his eyes, criss-crossing before his vision. He became dizzy and disorientated, his breath ceasing abprubtly because he couldn't possible balance out this euphoria with oxygen. It was physically impossible to feel anymore than this. He would possibly explode. A choked moan left his mouth and they parted again, although only shortly. When they collided once more, Dan felt that the pleasure took over significantly, leaving the pain behind. Among the bliss of it all, he felt Phil's face bury into his chest, giving him sweet kisses, leaving love bites as he went along.
"I love you..." Dan said breathlessly as they set into the rythym. Their pulse's were quickening rapidly and Dan felt the pleasure mounting greatly within him. It started low and then spread out, crawling through his stomach and fighting passed every obstacle, to every part of his body, screaming out. Phil moaned lazily in reply and Dan smirked, kissing him on the head. There was no pain anymore. Just pleasure and beauty. He tightened his legs around him and they moved together in a sort of steady, quickening pace, speeding up as they became more confident and sure.
Their moans filled the room and a light layer of sweat coated their heated skin as the room was becoming hot now. They clung onto each other as though they only had each other left, as though if they let go for just a second then everything would fall apart around them. And maybe it would. They wouldn't want to take the chance anyway; they were far too reluctant to let go. This was the best Christmas present either of them could have ever asked for; although they both wished for it to happen, of course, they agreed to themselves that anything like this was a lost hope.
Dan's movements became quicker, desperate for Phil to reach the sweet spot that would send him over the edge. So he moved harder, Phil mirroring his actions. Dan's short nails dug into Phil's back and he hardly noticed himself drag them down his back, to the bottom of his spine, just to get a grip on something. He heard Phil take a deep breath through gritted teeth but ignored it anyway, not really caring if he hurt him at the moment, he just wanted to feel the waves crash over him. He wanted this to last forever but he also was impatient for the finish.
"Oh God, Phil..." His voice was almost a growl as his impatience grew; he had never been patient for anything. Phil placed his forehead against Dan's as they moved together, their eyes closing just after gazing into each other's for a split second. Their breathing matched although they were both zig zagging in uneven patterns and their lips met each other's. The kiss was long and slow and lazy. Their lips lingered before parting again. They needed their lungs back after all. As though they were doing nothing more than sitting down on the floor, as though they weren't making love, Dan pulled back a little and gave him the sweetest smile he could possibly muster, his dimples bringing out the innocence in him and his eyes glistening in the dim light of the room.
The fireplace that they finally got to work emitted a faint golden glow as well as the street lights beyond the window that scattered the city. The room seemingly became smaller and smaller with every thrust, with every centimeter deeper that Phil went, getting closer and closer to Dan's sweet spot.
"Deeper..." Dan moaned loudly, his voice quite hoarse. He could feel himself reaching the point of no return, he could feel himself tilting over the edge. He could tell they were both close. Phil nodded obediently and followed suit.
Neither were sure how long it had been, how many moments had passed, but Dan was definitely ready now, their moans became louder and louder, everything was spinning around them and Dan saw stars. The last few thrusts were harder and deeper than before and Dan rocked against him, that feeling inside him reaching breaking point. Their noises filled their ears and the room and Phil finally hit the right spot inside of Dan.
Dan called out, scratching Phil's back again, deeper than before, as he hit that spot again and again. Phil clung onto Dan tighter than ever as they both let go. Dan's eyes glistened with tears of happiness as dizziness took over him, drowning him in the blissful pleasure. Their bodies shook, almost violently, and Dan felt his legs crumble, they became jelly and his whole body became numb. Their movements became slower and slower and Dan threw his head back, his mouth open and eyes screwed closed. Their breath was heavier than before and it appeared difficult to breath.
"Fuck... f-fucking hell..." Dan panted, almost gasping for air. They collapsed against each other, heads resting on each other's shoulders. Phil lazily kissed Dan's neck and held him tightly against him, breathing timed and slowing down. The shaking slowly ceased and they remained in a hot tangle, bodies pressed together, reluctant to let go. Dan felt Phil plant a kiss on his jaw, and let a shaky breath escape. His eyes fluttered closed and they buried their faces in each other's necks, hiding from the world.
"That was perfect." Phil whispered, his voice barely audible against Dan's skin.
"It was." Dan had a smile still lingering on his lips. Phil's right hand rested on the back of Dan's neck and his left came to his lower back and ever so slowly, he lowered Dan so he was pressed against the floor. He didn't notice the cold of the floor anymore , he just kept his face against Phil's neck, his eyes closed gently. Phil rested his head of Dan's chest and they just lay there, Dan's arms wrapped securely around him. Like a jigsaw puzzle. As though it was meant to be.
Dan's heart beat echoed through Phil's ears and made a tiredness wash over him, as the beat was steady and constant. Dan couldn't stop smiling. This was perfect. He ran his fingers through Phil's dark hair and sighed a long sigh. The silence fell. Everything was still. It was now Christmas morning.
"Merry Christmas, Dan." Phil murmured, sounding half asleep.
Dan kissed him on the head and allowed his lips to linger there before replying.
He said: "This is just what I wanted."