FicWad

Gerard looked up, his eyes hopeful, as Brian came into his office. He had been waiting for him to show up all morning, it now just after lunch though Gerard hadn’t gone to the cafeteria for anything himself. He was still feeling exhausted and run down, he felt like he’d never be able to stomach another meal again; yet he was full of a delicate hope that Frank had received his letter... that maybe he would want to talk.

“Hey...” He whispered softly, watching with anxious eyes as Brian crossed the room to sit on the edge of the desk as always. Gerard’s heart sank slightly at the look on the younger man’s face, and he knew already what he was going to say. “He didn’t read it did he?” He sighed, his whole body deflating as he slumped in his chair and looked down at his lap. “I knew he wouldn’t...”

“I’m sorry Gerard...” Brian sighed, his face scrunched up sadly. “Matt did everything he could but...” Brian trailed off, shaking his head. He didn’t want to go into detail... Gerard didn’t need to know that Frank had burnt the letter before he could even get it out of the envelope.

“It’s okay...” Gerard whispered, just staring into his lap, his face emotionless. “It’s fine I... You did everything you could.” He heaved a deep sigh and slumped even more, closing his eyes for a moment and swallowing thickly. He wished he could just go home and go to bed. He just wanted to go to sleep and never get up again until it all stopped hurting.

“Gee...” Brian whimpered, sliding his hand across the smooth wood of the desk to touch his fingers to Gerard’s. “Maybe if you just give him a bit more time... In a week or so maybe he’ll listen, maybe – ”

“No.” Gerard’s voice was soft but he shook his head vigorously. “No. No more chasing him.” He sighed, squeezing his eyes shut to try and dispel the headache that was beginning to form. “He doesn’t want to hear me out, so I’ll leave him alone.” He lifted his head just a tiny bit to meet Brian’s gaze, smiling sadly at him. “Thanks again though Bri, I appreciate it.” He sighed, the words polite, devoid of all feeling. As much as Gerard was trying to hide it Brian could clearly see he was just falling apart.

“Gerard I –”

“Just go, please.” Gerard sighed, shaking his head again and looking back to his lap. “I have a lot of work to catch up on.” He whispered, Brian looking at him sadly for a long moment. He considered arguing, even opened his mouth to start... but he knew it was hopeless. Gerard was hurting and he wanted to be alone, Brian had failed to make Frank listen, the least he could do was follow Gerard’s wishes now.

“Alright...” He breathed, squeezing Gerard’s hand gently as he slid off the desk. “Just call if you need anything.” He said gently, hesitating by the desk for a moment but Gerard didn’t say anything in return. Once the silence began to feel awkward Brian sighed and nodded, turning and heading out the door without another word. He glanced over his shoulder just as he was stepping over the threshold, his eyes full of concern to see Gerard sat as still as a statue, still staring into his lap. He didn’t move at all as Brian slowly closed the door, the younger man left to go back to his own desk feeling worse than ever.

Once Brian had gone Gerard slumped fully, laying his head against the desk and just letting a few tears fall. He kept mostly silent, he had already cried so much since Frank had left he didn’t feel like he had any energy left to sob. He was in a world of shit what with everything going on with Bert and he knew he couldn’t let this issue with Frank get on top of him. Frank didn’t want to talk to him, he didn’t want to see him... Gerard knew he simply had to accept that and move on. But God that was easier said than done.

He found it hard to believe that all of this had happened just because Frank had found out about him being a fan. He supposed he should have been honest from the start... Maybe if he had just told him then things wouldn’t have turned out like this. Bert would have turned up and Frank would have trusted Gerard enough to actually stand by him and help him get through this mess. He ached to think that he could have had Frank’s support now... his strength would have been invaluable. Even just the simple act of curling up into his arms at the end of each day would have helped tremendously. But instead he was forced to face it alone, forced to try and get through the hardest breakup of his life whilst being strong enough to help his abused, ex boyfriend get back on his feet... not to mention he had a cartoon to be writing and drawing.

Suddenly Gerard felt the full, overwhelming impact of the situation he was in. For the first time in the past few days he realised he wasn’t coping... that he couldn’t cope. He was falling apart and things were only going to get worse now he knew he didn’t stand a chance in getting Frank back. He couldn’t just forget him and move on, he couldn’t just push him out of mind and force himself to help Bert and work on the Breakfast Monkey. He had no motivation to do anything. All he could do was sit here, head on his desk, eyes closed as he used the last of his energy to try and block out the world.

For hours it was all he did.

He sat there for so long that he must have dozed off a little, for when he came round he felt disorientated and confused. He wasn’t sure what time it was, or even what day it was, and it took him a long moment of staring at the clock for him to work out that only hours had passed. He felt like he had just slept through decades.

Gerard slowly sat back in his chair, running his hand slowly through his hair and just feeling heavy and lethargic. He still had a blank story board resting infront of him, waiting to be filled in and pitched to the head of the animation team but there was no way he would get that finished now. He would have to take it home and do it ready for the morning. He had never left anything to the last minute like this before, but he realised with a guilty twist in his stomach that the past few days he had come into work to simply mope at his desk. The most work he had done were some doodles that all looked like Frank and had ended up in the bin.

“God...” Gerard sighed, running both hands through his hair and squeezing his eyes shut for a second. “Pull yourself together...” He whispered to himself, only resulting in making himself feel even more pathetic. He couldn’t keep doing this, there was no way he could allow his work to suffer. This was the job of his dreams, this is what he had endured years of hell at Art College for. He couldn’t allow a break up to destroy that...

Gerard lowered his hands to his eyes and just focused on breathing for a second. He tried to remember when Bert had walked away from him all those years ago... How he had felt then. Worse than this? It was hard to imagine it now but he must have done. He had almost gone back to drugs because of it. He had tried to kill himself on several occasions because of it.. If he had managed to survive through that then he’d be damned if he was going to fall through this.

Moving his hands away from his face Gerard rolled his chair closer to his desk and grabbed the closest pencil to hand. He took a moment to sharpen it and arrange his different erasers in size order across the top of the desk, the sharpener beside them. He was stalling slightly, trying to get his thoughts in order, but after just a few minutes and a grip on the pencil so tight it threatened to snap it, he was finally able to force himself to start drawing.

“Concentrate... Concentrate...” Gerard’s brow furrowed deeply as his hand slid across the page. It was a great effort to draw anything that didn’t look like Frank, and by the time he had drawn the first rough sketch of the breakfast monkey sweat had begun to bead across the back of his neck and at his temples. He wiped his hand across his forehead quickly, forcing himself to keep going, to not think of anything but the story board, of the episode it would become... For now Frank simply couldn’t exist. Bert couldn’t exist. The deadline had to be forgotten and the ache in his chest would just have to wait.

For now, he simply needed to work.

>X<

“How was he?” Matt asked quietly, standing with his shoulder leant against the wall as he held his cell phone in his other hand. He was with Frank at another photo shoot, but it would be done any moment. He had hidden around the corner from the main room, answering his call from Brian and talking as softly as he could. “What did you tell him?”

“Only that he hadn’t read it... I didn’t tell him about him burning it or anything. I...” There was a long pause as Brian sighed deeply, the sadness in his voice clear. “I really don’t think he would have handled it if I had.”

“That bad huh?” Matt sighed, Brian’s soft ‘you have no idea’ making him wince. “Is he gonna be okay do you think?”

“Honestly? I don’t know Matt... You should have seen him when I left. He was just sat there... Staring at his hands all expressionless. He just looked so numb Matt, I... God, I’m worried about him. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think he’s coping at all.”

“Ya think we should keep an eye on him?” Matt asked softly, chewing on his thumbnail as he stared down at the floor.

“Oh definitely.” Brian scoffed, as if it should be obvious. “But once he goes home after work there’s not much we can do to check up on him. I doubt he’d agree to hang out at all, and I’m not exactly gonna break into his apartment and spy on him.” Brian’s voice sounded hard and Matt could clearly imagine him running his hands through his hair in stress.

“You don’t think he’d do anything stupid do you?” Matt asked softly, Brian giving a hollow chuckle down the phone.

“I don’t know Matt... I... I don’t think he would. But I honestly couldn’t say for sure. For all I know he could be fucking...slitting his wrists right now.” Brian snapped wildly, Matt shaking his head as he took a deep breath.

“God Bri, don’t say stuff like that.” He groaned, not wanting the mental image of Gerard trying to end his life because of Frank’s stubbornness. Admittedly when Matt had first heard about their argument he had been on Frank’s side, but since talking to Brian about Gerard and what with Frank being so damn ignorant he had to admit he wasn’t feeling much sympathy for the porn star at all. Gerard on the other hand... Well, he was just as worried about him as Brian was.

“Alright we... We need to think of something.” He finally sighed, running a hand through his Mohawk and leaving it there for a moment. “If you’re really that worried about him we can’t just let him go home alone tonight. At least not without talking to him again...” He paused, trying to think of how they could go about this calmly and rationally. “Do you think you could talk to him again before he leaves? See if he’s any better and if he’s still bad then we’ll figure out what to do then.”

“I guess...” Brian’s reply came slowly, his voice uncertain. “But what do we do if he’s not better? I... God Matt, I don’t know what to do.”

“Hey, shh...” Matt sighed, wishing he was there to hold Brian to his chest and soothe him properly. “You need to stop panicking first, that’s what you need to do.” He said gently but firmly, taking control of the situation with ease as he was so used to doing. “Just... Don’t worry until you have a reason to. Talk to him again as soon as you can, check that he’s alright. If you have any doubts that he’ll make it through tonight then... I dunno, offer to take him to get a coffee or something. Just don’t let him go home, get him somewhere public with you anyway you can, even if you have to drag him, then call me and I’ll come down and we’ll work something out. He can stay with one of us for a while if that’s what needs to be done. It’s not like we have to call suicide watch Brian.” Matt’s voice grew calmer the more he spoke, having a plan felt good. They were probably completely over reacting anyway. Matt knew that Brian had been attracted to Gerard, and he also knew he cared about him a lot, it was only natural he was worrying himself silly when in fact things probably weren’t that bad.

“Does that sound good?” He asked gently when Brian didn’t respond straight away.

“I... Yeah, okay... I guess that works.” Brian finally responded, his voice resigned. “I’ll talk to him again and see how he’s doing... I’ll let you know what’s happening okay?”

“Alright, make sure you do.” Matt nodded, sighing and rubbing his temples with one hand as he gently said his goodbye’s and hung up. His head was aching badly and he wanted nothing more than to just get a coffee and sit for a while; but when he turned around it was to come face to face with a half naked Frank.

“Jesus! Fuck, sorry Frank I didn’t know you were there.” Matt gasped, clutching his chest and shoving Frank gently for startling him. The porn star eyed him suspiciously, folding his arms across his naked chest. The shoot had only been an underwear shoot, but Frank had got his jeans back on even if he hadn’t bothered with a shirt.

“Who were you talking to?” He asked curiously, eyeing Matt’s phone as he put it back into his pocket.

“Just Brian.” Matt shrugged, trying to walk past Frank but he followed his step so he continued to block his way. “Frank, we need to go back in there and make sure they got all the shots they needed.” Matt tried to sound firm and professional, but Frank was glaring intently into his eyes and he knew he probably had a guilty expression written all over his face.

“What were you and Brian talking about?” He asked, or rather, demanded. “You mentioned something about suicide watch. Who’s suicidal?”

“No one.” Matt scoffed, shaking his head and trying to get past Frank only to once more have his movements mirrored. “For God’s sake Frank you’re being childish.”

“It was Gerard wasn’t it?” Frank snapped, and behind the angry hardness to his eyes Matt could see a trace of fear. “You were talking about Gerard.”

Matt sighed heavily and stopped trying to get past Frank. He crossed his arms over his chest and stared into his eyes for a long moment, measuring the emotions flitting through them before he simply shook his head and shrugged. “It doesn’t matter whether we were or not, you don’t care.” He tried to pass again, but it wasn’t a surprise when Frank didn’t let him.

“You think Gerard’s gonna hurt himself?” Frank asked harshly, his tone angry but Matt could see panic start to swirl in his eyes and he sighed as he slowly relaxed his arms. He couldn’t help but take pity on the shorter man, his face softening.

“Look, we don’t know anything okay?” He said as gently as he could, Frank’s face by now clearly worried. “Brian’s just a little concerned about him that’s all, it’s really nothing to worry about. I’m sure he’s fine.” Matt moved past Frank then, laying his hands on his shoulders to move him when he tried to step in the way and he made his way back into the main shooting room. Frank stayed in the corridor alone for a moment, staring after Matt and feeling his heart thud erratically. He wanted to believe that he really didn’t need to worry, but at the same time he knew that Matt wasn’t the sort to jump to ridiculous conclusions. If he was worried about Gerard then there must be something to it.

“Matt?” He mewled, finally stepping forward to follow him. “Matt?” Frank walked back into the main shoot room and sighed as he saw Matt already talking to the photographer, checking he’d got all the shots he wanted before he grabbed Frank’s shirt and tossed it to him.

“Come on, you don’t wanna be late for the video.” He sighed, leaving whilst Frank was still yanking his t-shirt over his head. He had just one more video to make and then he had a couple days off, but right now he didn’t feel like he’d be able to make it through the video at all. If he had thought he wasn’t in the mood for sex before, it was nothing to compared to how out of it he felt now.

“Matt...” He whined, tipping his head back and groaning like a sulky teenager as he stomped off after the taller man, forced to forget about Gerard for now when it became clear Matt wouldn’t be talking to him about it no matter how much he complained.

>X<

When Brian went to check on Gerard before leaving work he found the older man fast asleep on his desk. He was lying on his half completed story board, pencil still in hand and mouth agape. Brian hesitated in the doorway for a second before he sighed and moved into the room to gently wake Gerard up.

Gerard sighed and groaned when Brian’s hand touched his shoulder, shaking gently. It took Gerard a moment to shift from sleep to waking, but when he did he sat up with a jolt, gasping Frank’s name before his eyes were even completely open. Brian jumped back with a blush, looking apologetically at the artist when he met his gaze.

“Hey... Sorry, you were asleep.” He whispered, sliding the story board across the desk away from Gerard before it got ruined. “Everyone’s leaving now; I wondered if you wanted a ride home or anything?”

“Hm? Oh, no thanks.” Gerard sighed, yawning and rubbing a hand over his eyes. “Is it really five already?” He groaned, looking at the time and then to his half finished story board. He couldn’t believe he’d actually fallen asleep. Now he’d definitely have to work through the night to finish it. He didn’t much like the idea of taking it on the subway but Brian didn’t even live in New Jersey, there was no point in accepting his offer for a lift if it meant the poor guy would have to go completely out of his way.

“You sure?” Brian asked gently, watching Gerard start to pack his things away. “You must be really tired.” He pointed out gently, leaning against the desk and watching Gerard closely to try and judge how he was feeling. “It’s no hardship ya know, I’m heading that way anyway.”

“Really?” Gerard looked at Brian in surprise, slipping his story board into an artist’s briefcase. “Why?”

“Matt’s over there with Frank.” Brian said without thinking, a blush blossoming on his cheeks when he saw the pain flash across Gerard’s eyes. “Oh I... Sorry Gee.”

“Don’t be.” Gerard scoffed, frowning and shaking his head like it was nothing. “You don’t have to not mention him around me ya know. I’m not a child.” He sighed, slipping on his jacket and forcing himself to smile as he looked at Bri. “I guess if you’re going that way anyway then a lift would be nice.” He said gently, feeling a little relieved to see the bright smile that lifted the corners of Brian’s mouth.

“Awesome.” He beamed, heading out of the office with Gerard and keeping a close eye on him as they rode the elevator down to the first floor. He was trying to judge how the older man was feeling but it was difficult to tell. He was down and trying to hide it that much was obvious, but exactly how upset he was Brian couldn’t be sure. He didn’t think it would be unsafe to let Gerard go home alone, but he wanted to be sure.

“How’s the story board coming along?” He asked conversationally, leading the way outside to his car. Gerard shrugged and glanced at the briefcase, sighing as he felt a pang of frustration in his chest. He hated having to leave work to the last minute, but it was his phone fault for doing nothing the past few days.

“Not great.” He sighed, putting his things onto the back seat before he got into the front with Brian. “I’ll have to sit up tonight to finish it.”

“It’s not like you to leave things this late.” Brian noted quietly, clicking on his seatbelt as Gerard did the same. He looked at him worriedly, Gerard’s brow furrowed and he could tell he was stressed. “I guess you’ve been too busy with this whole um... Frank thing though, right?” He asked as gently as he could, hating to even bring it up but he needed to know how Gerard was feeling.

Gerard looked at Brian with slightly stunned eyes, surprised he was going to actually talk about this. But then he supposed he had just told him he shouldn’t feel like he couldn’t mention it. He sighed and turned to face the window again, nodding his head silently as Brian moved away from the sidewalk and joined the traffic leaving New York.

“I haven’t really done much work at all the past few days.” Gerard admitted softly, sighing and leaning his head against the window. “I was too anxious about trying to get Frank back. Now I don’t have any chance though I need to focus on getting back on my game... I can’t risk losing my job because of this.” As much as it hurt to say it, it did help. Gerard hadn’t wanted to talk to anyone about Frank and so he hadn’t, but he supposed out of everyone he knew Brian was the guy he was most likely to open up to about this. Mikey and Elena didn’t yet know about the break up, and Gerard just didn’t feel ready to tell them.

“You won’t lose your job.” Brian said gently, focusing on the road though his heart ached to hear Gerard talking like this. “You’re an incredible artist and the breakfast monkey is already popular. They won’t fire you for getting a tiny bit behind.” He assured him, Gerard nodding but not saying anything in response. “Gee?” Brian mewled.

“Yeah.” Gerard sighed, nodding to show he agreed though that was all. Now he was out of the building all he could think about was Frank. He desperately wanted to see him. It was strange to think that after Brian dropped him off he’d be going to see him... It hurt to know that Brian would be seeing a lot of him, whilst he was still dating Matt at least, and yet Gerard’s only hope of seeing his gorgeous face again was in his porn videos.

“Gee...” Brian sighed gently, waiting until Gerard looked at him. “Listen, I know you’re hurting right now but –”

“Oh Brian, just don’t.” Gerard groaned, running a hand through his hair. “Please. I’m fine. I just need to get over him now alright.” He sighed, not meaning to snap he just didn’t want to be fussed over. “I’m fine.” He repeated, quieter this time.

“I’m worried about you.” Brian said bluntly, figuring being honest was probably the best tactic now. “I don’t think you’re fine at all.”

“Brian.” Gerard’s voice was harder now, almost a growl. “I said I’m fine. Just drop it.”

“No Gerard, I won’t just drop it.” Brian snapped, following the stream of cars out of the city and towards New Jersey. “You’re not fine, I can tell you’re not. You’re upset, and Frank is being a stubborn idiot and you know what he’s upset too. Fuck I just... I don’t see why you guys can’t just talk.” Brian trailed off with a sigh, shaking his head and blushing, knowing he had said too much.

“Funnily enough Brian I would actually love to talk to him.” Gerard said coldly, staring out the window again and regretting agreeing to the lift. If he’d known they were going to talk about this he would have refused.

“I know, I know I’m sorry.” Brian groaned, realising his mistake too late. “I just... It’s frustrating for me too – I don’t mean you’re frustrating, just Frank. I just wish there was something I could do to make him listen to you.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“I know.” Gerard sighed slowly, considering Brian’s words as he stared out the window. Honestly he hadn’t considered that it could be hard on him too, and now he came to think about it he supposed it wasn’t easy on Matt either. Gerard blushed, feeling ashamed of himself for putting them through hell too and he sighed, bowing his head. If only he could talk to Frank... But the guy wouldn’t even read his letter.

“Bri...” He mewled softly, looking at the younger man and biting his lip. “I’m sorry.” He finally sighed, his tone genuine. “I know you’re worried about me, but you really don’t need to be.” He watched Brian driving, wondering what he could say to make him believe him. He knew that he was still worried, but Gerard couldn’t really understand why. He’d be fine... he would. He just needed time. He just...

God, he just needed Frank to speak to him.

“You said you’re meeting Matt right?”

“Hm?” Brian looked at Gerard in confusion then, nodding. “Yeah... He’s at a set with Frank at the minute...” He said slowly, the look on Gerard’s face making his heart race. He wasn’t looking defeated anymore, his eyes had gone hard and his jaw tense. “I... Gerard?”

“Can I come with you?”

“What?”

“Can I come with you?” Gerard looked at Brian then, a determined expression on his face. His eyes looked bright, like he was seeing clearly for the first time in days and Brian felt a spark run down his spine. “I need to talk to Frank, and if this is the only way to do it then I’m doing it.”

“Gerard...” Brian breathed, looking back to the road and trying to think rationally. Honestly he wanted nothing more than to just agree and get Gerard there as soon as possible. But he knew he needed to try and be sensible about this. “He’s in the middle of a porn shoot Gee, I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“I don’t care what he’s in the middle of. I’ve tried to speak to him and he insists on just hurting everyone instead. I won’t stand for it. He’s stubborn but I can be stubborn too. And I’m not giving up until he listens to me!” Gerard sat up straighter, his fists clenched and he looked out the window to see if he could judge how much longer they had to travel. “Whether you take me there or not Bri I’m going.”

Brian stared at Gerard for a moment, his eyes flicking between him and the road. He hadn’t been expecting this, but he felt a strange rush of relief course through him to hear Gerard speak like that. It was refreshing to see him refuse to give up, made his heart warm to hear that he wasn’t going to just lie down and let Frank destroy the only thing that mattered to either of them. He knew that if Gerard wanted Frank back he was going to have to fight for him, and it sounded like he’d finally realised that himself now.

“Alright.” He conceded, grinning a little as he glanced at Gerard again. “Alright, I’ll take you there. But you better have something good to say to him.” He warned, Gerard grinning back at him and he nodded.

“I will...” He promised, his heart racing erratically and he allowed for the last time that fragile flame of hope to ignite inside him.

>X<

“Oh yeah! Fuck... Unn... Fuck me...” Frank gasped, arching his back and tilting his head back to relieve the pressure on his scalp where the other actor had his hand fisted in his hair. The thrusting behind him was hard and merciless, sending shockwaves up his spine that made his bones ache. He groaned and squeezed his eyes shut, sweat dripping down his body as the guy behind him fucked him... They had had the preliminary introductions beforehand but Frank couldn’t remember his name. Glen or Ben or something like that...

“Yeah... Fuck yeah, like that don’t you?” Whatever his name was groaned, Frank nodding as much as he could with his head yanked back by the hair, the cameras around them shining them with light. Matt was stood in the doorway as usual, tapping away on his blackberry.

“Alright, pause there.” The directors authorative voice boomed out over the room and immediately actor number two stopped his thrusting. His hand moved out of Frank’s hair and Frank was given a second to droop his head and try and catch some of his breath back.

“Alright guys we’re gonna take a few photos then change positions for the climax alright?” The director was busy looking at a clipboard so as the first few photos were taken he didn’t complain, but then he looked up again. “Ben can you hold onto Frank’s hair again please? Yeah that’s good, Frank move your left leg a little more down so we can see everything... Alright, that’s good.”

Camera flashes went off and Frank sighed, closing his eyes and fixing his expressions in a variety of pleasured faces, something he’d got used to doing by now. He didn’t notice Matt turning to open the door or Brian walking in, Gerard close behind him. He didn’t even notice when the director called an end to the photos and instructed the actors to change positions.

“We’ll go for missionary now then guys. Are we gonna go straight through?” He looked to the photographers for a second, confirming something in whispers before he nodded. “Yep, straight through. Frank we want you cumming first please, and then Ben if you pull out when you’re ready and cum over his stomach.”

From over by the door Gerard’s face had gone bright red with embarrassment. He had never heard anyone talk about sex so clinically before, like it was just a job... but then of course to these men it was just a job. He watched with an aching heart as Frank and the other actor moved so that Frank was on his back, the other guy moving between his legs and pushing straight back into him without any resistance.

Gerard watched with a sickening feeling in his stomach as the thrusting began again and he bowed his head, unable to look. He found it hard to believe he had ever used to enjoy watching these videos now. It was clear neither actor were enjoying themselves, though their moaning and panting was believable enough when the camera’s were turned on them.

Frank sighed and arched his back, pushing a hand between himself and Ben to get at his erection and start stroking it. He’d had to take Viagra to get hard that day, and it had been a while since he’d had to do that. He just hadn’t been in the mood... More so than usual. He opened his eyes in the hopes that maybe since Ben’s face might inspire some sort of pleasure to help him achieve climax, but from the corner of his eye he could see more people had entered the room and instinctively he glanced over. When he saw Gerard stood with Brian and Matt, looking at the floor red faced and tense his stomach gave an almighty lurch.

“Frankie can you keep in character please?” The director barked at him as his eyes grew wide, his face horrified. He quickly looked away, heart racing as he tried to get back into the flow of things but it was impossible. All he could think about was the fact that Gerard was stood right there, watching him.

“Alright guys, money shots please.” The director’s voice seemed as if it was coming from far away, Frank’s head spinning. Even with the Viagra still in his system it was all Frank could do to keep hard let alone cum and he groaned as he tried desperately to bring himself to orgasm. Making yourself cum on demand was part of the territory when it came to porn, but Frank just couldn’t do it. The more he tried and the more he struggled the more his heart began to race, his muscles tensing. He couldn’t do it.

“F – Fuck...” He gritted out between clenched teeth, Ben’s thrusting slowly slightly as he tried to stop his own orgasm from hitting but Frank knew he could be given all the time in the world there was no way he was going to be able to climax with Gerard in the room.

“I’m sorry...” He finally, gasped, dropping his hands to his sides and falling still, his chest heaving with the force of his breathing. “I’m sorry, I can’t.”

“Excuse me?” The director demanded, thrusting his clipboard at someone and marching over to leer down at Frank. “What do you mean we can’t? We gotta end this video in five minutes Frank and I need a money shot.”

“I know but I just can’t man. I just... It doesn’t matter how many times you yell at me about it I can’t.” Frank snapped back, the director looking about ready to hit someone, but one look at Frank’s expression and he knew there was no point arguing.

“Fine! Ben you finish up and we’ll have to leave it at that.” He sighed, storming off set again. Frank sighed and ran a hand through his hair, taking a moment to compose before he nodded at Ben to continue. Within a second his face was once more a mask of pleasure so that it was impossible to tell he was hating every second, just counting down the minutes until Ben finally groaned and pulled out, jacking off his cock until he came hard over Frank’s stomach.

By now Frank’s erection had completely flagged and he sighed as he slumped against the floor, keeping himself smiling as they finished up with the usual soft kissing and such until the director called ‘that’s a wrap’ and Frank was free to get shakily to his feet.

Matt, who had been whispering to Brian and Gerard, suddenly rushed forward to hand Frank a towel and turn to scowl at the director as he stormed over. The man had a face of thunder but Matt’s job was to defuse situations like this and after agreeing to take fifty dollars off of Frank’s money for the shoot thanks to his inability to cum at the end the director finally walked away and Frank could breathe a sigh of relief.

“I’m sorry Matt I just couldn’t do it.” He whispered shamefully, wiping the cum and sweat off his body and grabbing his clothes to get dressed. The last thing he wanted was to speak to Gerard, let alone when he had just finished a terrible porn shoot and wanted nothing more than to shower and get to bed.

“Hey, don’t apologise to me.” Matt sighed, squeezing Frank’s shoulder gently. “It happens.”

“Yeah. And what is he doing here?” Frank demanded, shooting a cold look at Gerard who was still stood awkwardly with Brian, too afraid to meet his gaze. “I thought I told you I didn’t want to talk to him.”

“I had nothing to do with this.” Matt replied calmly, watching as Frank yanked on his jeans and t-shirt. “Brian was giving him a ride home and he brought him here. He wants to talk to you, he said he’s not leaving until he has.” Matt tried not to sound impressed, but he couldn’t help but admire the fact that Gerard had finally grown a pair and had sought Frank out himself. Frank of course though didn’t seem to appreciate it.

“Fabulous.” Frank snapped, yanking his shirt over his head and looking uncertainly at Gerard. He looked so down, broken almost. Frank hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him all day after hearing about the suicide thing, though he wondered now whether Matt had said that to purposefully make him worry so he’d be more likely to speak to him now... Frank had to give him for credit for one thing though, no man had tried this hard to get back with him after a break up.

Gerard was starting to feel like he was going to throw up before he’d have chance to actually talk to Frank. Seeing him have sex for the camera’s like that had made him almost turn around and just leave; only Brian’s hand on his arm stopping him. He hated having to see another man fuck Fran, but deep down he knew he’d have found it harder still to see Frank top someone else. Gerard supposed it was stupid, but even though he knew that Frank did top people for his job, the thought of seeing it when he himself couldn’t even let Frank do that was almost too much to bear. Even if they weren’t technically together, the pain was still too intense.

Gerard waited until Frank had finished dressing before he dared to so much as look at him, his eyes timid as Matt steered Frank over, much to the porn star’s disdain. Frank was clearly not happy and he scowled deeply at Gerard as he walked over, but beneath his anger Gerard wondered if he could see a flicker of hope in his eyes.

“What do you want?” Frank snapped as soon as he reached him, Gerard swallowing thickly as he tried to remember what he had come up with in the car. He’d had a whole speech planned but now it came to actually saying it he came up blank. In the end he could only think of one thing.

“I miss you.” His voice came out quieter than intended, timid and broken and pathetic sounding. He blushed and bowed his head, Brian looking worriedly at him before he grabbed Matt’s hand and tugged him out of the room to give Frank and Gerard some privacy. The team working on the video had already left, eager to get home now the day was done.

Frank fixed Gerard with a cool stare, just gazing at him and trying to work out how honest he was being. Admittedly if Gerard was lying then the guy deserved a damn Oscar for it, Frank couldn’t help but believe him.

“Go on...” He finally sighed, figuring if Gerard had come to actually find him then he supposed he should listen to him. Besides, he was exhausted and upset and he couldn’t be bothered to argue.

Gerard looked at Frank in surprise, not expecting him to actually give him a chance. For a moment he just looked dumbfounded, but then he finally snapped out of it and got busy talking.

“I’m sorry that I upset you.” Apologising, he decided, was the best start. “I... I’m not entirely sure what you think I’ve done or... what you’re angry about exactly. But I know that I just need to be honest with you so I... I figured if I just told you everything, from the start, then... then that might be enough.” Gerard looked uncertainly at Frank, biting his lip and waiting. It took Frank a moment to realise he was waiting for permission to speak and the porn star blushed, nodding his head... This was the Gerard he had fallen for... the timid, nervous man who was practically afraid of his own shadow. This was nothing like the man he had assumed he must be when he found out he was a fan.

“You can have five minutes.” Frank sighed when Gerard just continued to look at him. “Say what you need to say in that time, and then I’m leaving.” He said quietly, his heart breaking to see tears well up in Gerard’s eyes but he nodded and took a deep breath, forcing himself to remain composed so he could speak.

“Okay...” He mewled, taking a moment to assess his thoughts before he jumped right into it. “Right well... I suppose I should start by admitting that I’ve been a fan of yours for... God, years.” Gerard blushed deeply at the admission, but he forced himself to keep his gaze locked with Franks. “Everything I told you about me and Bert was the truth. He did leave me when we were nineteen because I couldn’t bottom for him, and it really did mess me about... I lost all my confidence. I was too afraid to go out and try to meet people at all. So, just like anyone would, I ended up watching a lot of porn.” Gerard blushed even more and sighed, having to look down at his feet for a moment before he could meet Frank’s eyes again.

“I found your videos and just thought you were amazing... I watched you all the time. I admit I was a little obsessed... I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to know. I’m ashamed of it, I know you must hate it, I know it’s weird but...” Gerard swallowed thickly, his eyes frightened and full of tears. “But I was lonely.” He whispered, his voice breaking. It had been a long time since he’d ever been so honest. “I was lonely and I... I was scared to get a boyfriend and... and everyone I knew kept telling me I was too nice, too handsome to be single. Whenever I brought people back for a one night stand it was enough, I knew if I got into a relationship I’d eventually be expected to bottom and I just couldn’t risk going through what I did with Bert again... So I just watched your videos all the time. I was mesmerised by you... Not so much the sex, but just... you. Your eyes and your smile and the way you giggle in your interviews.” Gerard couldn’t stop himself from smiling, Frank’s chest aching at the look of pure love on Gerard’s face. Even Frank wasn’t enough of an idiot to miss that.

“I know you probably find that creepy.” Gerard sighed, bowing his head. “But I... I can’t help it Frank. I adored you and when I heard you were gonna be at that convention I just had to go. I swear I had no intention of going on a date with you, fuck I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to get a word out when I finally met you. I didn’t think I’d make it to Vegas at all... And when I got there and saw the kinds of people around I just felt so out of place. I felt lonelier than ever and I kept wondering why I didn’t just go home... When I went out for a smoke and you were just suddenly there I couldn’t think straight. I don’t know why I lied and said I didn’t know who you were... I guess I just didn’t want you to think I was another crazy fan.” Gerard chuckled hollowly, shaking his head. “Crazy right?” He breathed, peeking up at Frank through his lashes.

“You had plenty of other times to tell me.” Frank whispered back, his own voice broken as he gazed at Gerard, wanting to believe him but still feeling suspicious. “Why didn’t you?”

“Because I thought if I did you’d leave.” Gerard replied without hesitation, his eyes drilling into Frank’s, open and honest. It was like he was trying to bare his soul to him, to prove to him he was genuine. “And I was right.” He pointed out, smiling weakly.

“No.” Frank snapped, blushing. “I didn’t leave because of that. I left because you lied. I left because you never told me, and because Bert was in your apartment, I left because everything you told me was a lie.”

“No it wasn’t.” Gerard whimpered, shaking his head and wrapping his arms around himself. “I only lied about not knowing who you were. Everything else was the truth Frank. I cared for you... Fuck, I still do care for you more than anything. When we started dating properly I unsubscribed to the porn site I was on. I didn’t want to see your videos any more, I hate seeing you with other men. I hate seeing you laying out your body to the cameras... I hate knowing other guys are jerking off over you but I never wanted to tell you that Frank cos its your job and its your choice. Fuck, I used to be one of those guys so who was I to ask you to quit? I’d never do that... Cos I loved you... Love you... So much, it doesn’t matter whether you’re with just me or a million guys, just so long as its my arms you end up in at night...” Tears began to drip down Gerard’s cheeks now, but he didn’t wipe them away.

Frank sighed and shook his head, but he couldn’t look away from Gerard. Tears of his own had begun to fall and he exhaled shakily as he tried to think straight; but it was hard... Gerard was the only man to confess to hating his work and then tell him he still wanted to be with him. All his other boyfriends had demanded that he either quit or they leave... It made Frank ache then... Made him ache for the relationship he could have had with Gerard. It could have been so perfect. But...

“But what about Bert?” Frank sniffed and wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand, frowning at Gerard. “I saw him in your apartment Gerard. You told me you never saw him after he left.”

“I didn’t.” Gerard sighed, groaning slightly and running his hands through his hair. “He turned up that day in my office, off his face on cocaine in some borrowed suit. He was half starved to death, had a fucking knife wound in his side and passed out on my floor. What more could I do other than bring him back to my place?” He whimpered, Frank rolling his eyes and scoffing.

“Oh God Gerard, at least try and make the story believable –”

“It’s the truth!” Gerard snapped, stepping forward to cup Frank’s face and force him to look at him. Frank raised his eyebrows in surprise, but he could see that Gerard was determined to convince him, his heart lurching at the honesty in his eyes.

“Gerard?”

“I never lied to you about him Frank.” Gerard whispered strongly, his voice trembling only a little. “I hate him for just showing up out of the blue and ruining us. But he... He needs my help. He’s been living with me the past few days cos’ he has nowhere else to go and all I’ve done is wish you were with me to help me... I miss you so much Frank. I can’t do this on my own... He’s back on drugs and has his psycho ex looking for him, the guy’s murdered people Frank... His boyfriend I mean, not Bert, and for all I know he could turn up on my doorstep any day now and kill Bert too. I’m so behind on my work and I just... I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything other than think about you and hate myself for losing you...”

“Stop it.” Frank whispered, shaking his head and pushing Gerard’s hands off him. “Stop with the self hating bull shit. You know I hate that.” He sighed, turning away for a second and just groaning as he ran his hands over his face. “I... Fuck Gerard, I just don’t know what to believe anymore.” He mewled, wanting with all his heart to believe Gerard, but he just wasn’t sure he could.

“Believe me.” Gerard begged quietly, taking a deep breath to try and still his sobs. “I’ll do anything you ask me to Frank... Anything if it means you’ll come back. I... I’d kick Bert out. I’d quit my job. I’d... I’d let you top me... Anything it takes.” He whispered, his voice shaking so much on the final option that Frank couldn’t help but look over his shoulder at him.

It was clear then, in Gerard’s voice alone, that he really had never bottomed before. It was the sound of a virgin making promises they couldn’t handle, but wanted to keep. It was the sound of a man opening himself up and turning to face his deepest fears just to prove his love for another person. It was the sound of undying trust and Frank couldn’t help but cover his mouth to try and stop himself from sobbing.

“Alright.” He whispered softly, his voice cold and hard. “Strip.” He snapped, Gerard looking at him confusion.

“Wha –”

“Strip.” Frank repeated, louder this time, his voice angry. “If you really mean that, then take off your clothes and get on your knees. I’ll come back if you let me top you.”

Gerard stared at Frank as if he had gone crazy, his heart missing a beat before picking up erratically. Did Frank mean it? Was that really all it took? It seemed like such an easy deal but of course Gerard’s blood instantly ran cold. He knew he had said he’d do it, but he hadn’t meant right that second.

“I... Now?” He breathed, Frank scowling at him.

“Right now. Or I leave.” He snarled, Gerard’s eyes filling with pain but to Frank’s astonishment he lifted his hands to his shirt and began to undo the buttons. He kept his eyes on Frank’s face, his hands beginning to shake three buttons down, and then the rest of him began to tremble too with each button. By the time the shirt was open and on the floor his whole body was shaking so violently Frank was speechless, unable to say anything as Gerard gulped and began to work on his belt.

Gerard supposed this was entirely his fault for suggesting it in the first place. He really hadn’t expected Frank to want it right now though but he supposed it was the only way for him to prove he loved him and so he had no choice. He’d rather die than leave here without Frank and he sighed as he undid his belt and pulled open his trousers. He hesitated for just a second before dropping them down and stepping out of them, Frank watching him the whole time.

Gerard tried not to think of the few times he’d attempted to bottom for Bert. His cheeks flushed with shame as he thought back to the one time they’d even tried it drunk in the hopes it would help him relax, and even after hours of kissing and light touches he still couldn’t relax enough for Bert to push in even just one finger. He doubted that this was going to go much better, but he tried to convince himself it didn’t matter. He’d let Frank tear him apart if he needed to, he was going to do this. He wouldn’t lose him.

“You’re shaking.” Frank whispered, finally managing to find his tongue as he watched Gerard start on his underwear. “You’re scared.”

“I’ve never done this before.” Gerard reminded him, even his voice shaking as he dropped his boxers and blushed deeply. Tears began to fall down his cheeks again as he awkwardly wrapped his arms around himself, instinctively trying to hide his body. He didn’t want Frank to look at him... “I’m sorry, I’m trying.” He whimpered, knowing he wasn’t helping matters.

“Gee –”

“I’ll be alright when we get started.” Gerard insisted, his voice thick with tears and he slowly sank down to his knees. “You uh... You want me like this?” He stuttered, leaning forward onto his hands so that he was waiting on all fours. He squeezed his eyes shut and just waited, shaking like a leaf and crying softly.

By now Frank’s own tears were falling thick and fast. He felt sick as he stared down at Gerard, naked and exposed, obediently waiting for him to actually rape him. Frank wanted to believe Gerard was just calling his bluff but he knew that the older man actually believed he was going to do it and that just made it worse. He was really prepared to let Frank fuck him... To just take his anal virginity right there in the middle of a room just used for a porn shoot, completely against his will. Frank had never felt like so much of a monster.

“So that’s it then? I fuck you and we go off into the sunset and live happily ever after?” He demanded, dropping to his knees behind Gerard who winced at his harsh tone.

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” He asked timidly, Frank sobbing as he grabbed Gerard’s shoulder, ignoring the way he flinched and tugging him up so he was kneeling facing him.

“No you idiot.” He snapped, hardly able to see anymore he was crying so hard and he yanked Gerard against him, hugging him tight and tucking his face into his hair. “I don’t want to rape you Gerard... I just... God, I want to make you feel good. I want to be with you, you’re the only man I’ve ever truly loved.” He sobbed, his voice weak and shaking as he finally admitted it. After seeing that he knew that Gerard couldn’t be lying... The type of man Gerard was, was just not the type of man to make sex videos with porn stars for cash. Frank felt like an idiot to admit it, but he had been wrong.

“Oh God Gee I’m sorry... I’m sorry alright. I had it all wrong and I... I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.”

“Frankie...” Gerard sighed, relief making him dizzy as he wrapped his arms around Frank and buried himself against his chest. He curled up, naked and crying into his arms and just held onto him, completely overwhelmed. Frank was apologising over and over but Gerard just didn’t want to hear it. All he cared about was that he finally believed him and he choked on a sob as Frank tipped his face up to kiss him.

“Don’t leave me...” He begged softly against his lips, Frank shaking his head as he held him close.

“I won’t... God, I won’t Gee... I can’t. I love you too much.” He breathed, the two men holding onto each other and just crying quietly until Matt and Brian finally came in to get them home.