In which Frank fails at seduction, everyone knows Gerard's masturbation habits, Bob declares war on fast food, and Ray is not a catfish... [Frerard!]
Rating: PG 13
Summary: In which Frank fails at seduction, everyone knows Gerard's masturbation habits, Bob declares war on fast food, and Ray is not a catfish.
A/N: I know, I know, you guys are probably thinking I have too many stories on the go to be doing another one, but this one's kinda different because a), it was originally a oneshot and I have almost all of it written, and b) because I think my writing can be too complicated sometimes, so I wanted to give the simpler, shorter approach a shot. I guess you could say this is practice. But anyway, I thought this would work better if I split it up into a few chapters. They’ll be quite short in comparison to my usual ridiculously long chapters, but the updates will be more frequent, as I have all but the last chapter written already. Hope you guys like it- I had a laugh writing it. Oh, and R&Ring will speed up the next update ;D
Sixteen year old Frank Iero was many things. A caffeine addict and a serial masturbator, for instance. But there was one thing that Frank was very definitely not, and that was homosexual. Not even a little bit. Not even that time he wore the pink eyeliner, no matter what Ray Catfish Toro said. Frank Iero was not gay.
At least, not until one rainy and devastating Tuesday afternoon in the boys changing rooms.
It had been a pretty good day up until then, considering it had been at school; Frank had guzzled on his favourite veggie-burger for lunch, had a triumphant game of rock-paper-scissors-wiener with Bob under the desk in French, shared Gerard’s warmth and iPod during break while ignoring a weird fuzzy feeling in his chest, and was looking forward to a horror-movie marathon at Ray’s house later. Apart from the vaguely worrying feeling in his chest- which had been happening a lot lately, actually, maybe he should see a doctor- it had been a great day. Lovely-jubbly. Spiffing. Hunky-dory with a cherry on top.
But then the skeletal, beanie-wearing lunatic that was Michael Way decided to ruin everything.
“Hey, Fronkbottom!” Mikey greeted with a wave as he strode across the boys changing rooms towards Frank, who was innocently getting undressed for sixth period games.
“’Sup, baby Way,” Frank replied, tugging off his school jumper.
Mikey was beaming widely and evilly as he plonked his gym kit down on the bench and looked at Frank. “I’ve got something to tell you.”
“What, did you finally find your balls?” Frank sniggered.
“No, I’m still looking for my balls,” Mikey said cheerfully, stripping off his school trousers and blazer. “But my brother totally likes you, y’know.”
Frank became disastrously entangled in his school shirt and fell over with a loud splatting sound and a squeal of protest.
Mikey blinked in mild surprise as he watched Frank writhing about and yelping on the floor. “I don’t think my testicular bits are down there, Fronkbottom. And it’s sweet of you to help me to look and everything, but don’t you have your own set to find?”
Frank scrambled up and promptly smacked his head on Jack Rivers’ locker while flailing around and yelping something that possibly vaguely resembled ‘What?!’ in some past life. It was slightly hard to tell, after all, while his head was stuck half inside his gym-shirt and he kept hitting it off a locker door. Eventually, he struggled out of the gym-shirt and started at Mikey, panting, dishevelled, and wide-eyed.
“What?” he repeated faintly, holding onto the abusive locker beside him for support.
“My sperm-holding spheres. I don’t think they’re on the floor,” Mikey repeated calmly, pulling on his gym-shirt.
“Not your non-existent balls!” Frank squealed, flailing his arms dramatically and accidentally thwacking his hand on Jack bloody Rivers’ locker. God damn little stainless-steel bastard. It had clearly had it in for Frank, ever since he’d puked all down it on his first day.
“Then what?” Mikey frowned, looking perplexed.
“Gerard!” Frank yelped incredulously, nursing his injured hand.
“Oh!” Mikey said, a look of comprehension dawning on his face. “Well, exactly like I said.” He shrugged carelessly and went back to getting changed. “He likes you, for some reason.”
“…What?” Frank repeated dazedly, still tangled up in his school shirt, rubbing the sore bump on his forehead where Jack Rivers’ locker so kindly decided to take advantage of his shock and smack him neatly between the eyes.
After much panicked struggling, he finally managed to untangle himself from his shirt and threw it at the changing room floor, red-faced and panting, eyes wider than Bambi wearing Maybelline mascara as he stared incredulously Mikey. Mikey hummed ‘Lonely little petunia in the onion patch’ and pulled his games shirt over his head.
“Mikey!” Frank appealed, his voice reaching alarmingly feminine decibels. It didn’t help that he was pretty sure he was having some kind of internal seizure.
Frank let out garbled noise of frustration as Jack Rivers’ locker decided to open of its own accord to knock him kindly to the floor again.
“What are you doing, Fronkbottom?” Mikey sighed, looking very pityingly down at the Frank sprawled on the floor.
“Freaking out, was that not clear?!” Frank shouted, using Mikey’s knobbly knees to claw himself back up to standing position. Mikey did not look pleased, especially when Frank accidentally pulled his boxers down in the process.
“Why are you freaking out?” Mikey asked, pulling his underwear back up.
“Well, other than the fact I’m pretty sure I just witnessed the evidence that you do actually have your balls, you just told me your older brother likes me. What in the name of pubic hair do you mean by it, Michael?!” Frank cried, waving his arms about desperately.
“Exactly what I said. You know, likes you likes you,” Mikey informed Frank chirpily, shimmying out of his grey skinny jeans as though he hadn’t just said something that liquidized Frank’s well thought-out life and spattered it all over everything he thought he knew.
Frank tried to yelp, but found his voice had kindly gone elsewhere, and instead resorted to gesturing extravagantly, perhaps in some attempt to show the amount of flabbergasm he was currently experiencing.
Mikey somehow managed to shoot Frank a withering look in nothing but a pair of bright purple ‘Mr. Geeky’ boxers.
“Are you being deliberately dense, Iero?” he sighed in a very tired manner. “Look, how much clearer can I make it? My elder brother Gerard has a humungous and very girly crush on you. You know the kinda thing- he wants your dick. He wants to sit in a tree with you K.I.S.S.I.N.G. He wants your impossible, tattooed punk babies. He wants to ram his tongue down your throat and do unspeakable, unspeakable things to your manly area in a dark closet.”
Frank wasn’t quite sure how normal it was that Mikey could talk so cheerfully about his brother’s molestation wishes without vomiting.
Then again, Mikey wasn’t really Frank’s definition of ‘normal’, anyway- the kid cried with joy when he got an A* in physics and kept a collection of dried beetles in his bedside cabinet.
“He wants-” Mikey continued.
“I get it, I get it!” Frank cut him off abruptly, suddenly very aware that their games teacher, Mr Alexander, was actually standing right behind him, breathing down his neck. And his breath smelt of that horrible chicken pot pie the school canteen seemed so keen to shove down everyone’s alimentary canal.
Mikey gulped as he noticed their PE teacher’s presence. He and Mr. Alexander had never really been bosom buddies since Mikey tied him to the goalposts with his own whistle and left him to the vultures.
Well, the dinner ladies- seriously, they were one sexually deprived lot of motherfuckers. Frank was surprised Mr. Alexander still had the stomach to eat in the canteen, but due to the sour reek of chicken issuing from his moustache, he obviously did.
“What’s all the girly gossip, hunks?” Mr. Alexander asked in a deadly tone. Frank felt his skin crawl at the hot breath on the back of his neck. It would be a lot less gross if he didn’t know for a fact Mr. Alexander was a total poof and liked to discuss in great length the latest teacher gossip with the girls, who’d offer him moustache trimming tips and other pointless shit like that, Frank didn’t care, because Mikey had just told him that Gerard- Gerard who Frank had been best friends with all through high school- wanted his biologically impossible babies, and instead of freaking out/rejoicing/bashing his head multiple times on James Rivers’ locker, he was thinking about Mr. Alexander’s moustache.
Gerard liked him. Socially awkward, sweet, morbid, crazy Gerard with his charcoal-stained fingertips and greasy tangle of hair liked him in a non-heterosexual way.
“Come on, boys. Time to get physical,” Mr. Alexander instructed huskily, winking ominously before following the rest of the class out onto the rainy gym field, leaving Frank wearing his boxers, one sock, and an incredulous expression.
“Come on, or we’ll get trampled,” Mikey told him, stuffing his clothes into Frank’s locker and fluffing his hair in the reflection of the handle. “Come on, why are you just standing there like all your atomic substance died?”
“Mikey!” Frank yelped in high-pitched tones, twitching violently as though he was having some odd kind of seizure. Mikey gave him a questioning look, to which Frank garbled something that sounded distinctly related to “Gerard, you idiot!” while hopping about and flapping and trying to wear his gym-shirt as shorts.
“Oh,” Mikey said, frowning a little, as if he’d forgotten he’d just said something that turned Frank’s life upside down. “Exactly what I said. And repeated to you like, five times.” He shrugged, as though it was something as important as a remark regarding the shitty weather rather than something with Frank’s entire god damn life hanging in the balance.
“…Your brother likes me?” Frank squeaked, the fuzzy feeling in his chest accelerating.
“Yes, you twat.”
“How many brothers do I have, you fuckwad?”
“Your brother Gerard likes me?”
Mikey leant forwards and bashed his head on the locker. Unfortunately, the key was still sticking out of it, so Mikey resurfaced with a large red dent above his left eyebrow, looking a little disgruntled.
“Are you sure, Mikey?” Frank breathed, feeling slightly faint. The fuzzy feeling in his chest was getting kind of scary, the way it was welling up like rainbows and butterflies and other stupidly cheesy, happy things.
“Yes! How many goddamned times do I have to say it, midget?” Mikey exclaimed incredulously. “He masturbates to your guitar videos on Youtube.”
Frank didn’t have time to ask just how the fuck Mikey knew that or feel alarmed when he found himself slightly turned on, because Mr. Alexander returned, brandishing a bag of balls, which Frank just really wanted to make so many puns and sick jokes about, but he was too busy having a firm discussion with his dick not to find Gerard stalking and orgasming over his Youtube account so god damn adorable.
Holystinkingmustaches, Gerard jerked off to him playing guitar. Like, with orgasms and everything.
“Move those pretty little asses!” Mr. Alexander cried, interrupting Frank’s thoughts by clapping his hands together loudly. “Out on the field this instant, boys. Or you might just get stuck in your locker,” he added with a darkly significant look at Mikey, whose eyes widened before he beetled out of the changing rooms at a rapid pace.
With a resigned sigh, Frank followed, shaking his head dazedly. He guessed he’d just have to figure out his confused excuse for a brain later, so with a mind full of screaming thoughts mostly regarding the thought of Gerard jerking off to him playing ‘Fat and Alone’, he followed Mikey and Mr. Alexander dazedly out onto the pitch, where the rest of their class were waiting.
Feedback? Like I said, this story is just me trying out something a little different for writing practice, so I hope you guys don't mind me posting it. Rates and Reviews would be epic...What did you all think? If you want me to continue, I'll update weekly :) Thanks for reading!
P.S. Updates for TTETI and To The End should be up before Christmas, and Translations has just been updated :3