Inside the mind of Ashley...
Other times, it's over something stupid. Your first girlfriend breaks up with you, or your best friend moves away, and you act like your whole goddamn world is crumbling.
Now, it's not like I'm saying it's wrong to be upset over things like that, even if it's pretty small when it comes to comparing it to shit you're gonna see in the future. What's wrong is to go around acting like it's the ultimate end.
It's like, your girlfriend left you? Fine, go cry for a few days. But also realize that there's going to be other girls. Don't try shhoting yourself, even if you guys were planning on getting married.
Now that I think about it all, this advice that I'm just telling myself in my head, not even writing it down, it's not going to be heard by anyone else, but I should've taken it ages ago. Stupid, yeah?
I'd had a bad month ever since the tour ended. Got pretty ignored by most my friends, and my family wouldn't shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I mean, come on! I walked out nearly 10 years ago, when I was barely 18, dammit! Isn't that a big enough hint to say, 'Leave me the fuck alone.'? It's like, they fucked up more than half my life, the formative years, and now they won't just stop it. I have fucking nightmares, and flashbacks about that shit, man! I wonder if I have like PTSD or something!
So feeling like unloved fucking chopped liver, I desperately wanted to feel better. Being the stupid desperate bitch that I am, I sent Andy a text saying, "Sorry for everything." I was already at my breaking point.
He sent back several messages, thoroughly cursing me out, saying I hurt him once, but he wasn't going to get hurt again, he said that I was gonna burn, and that he hoped that I would find someone stupid enough to stick around to keep getting hurt. After that, I snapped, my hands shaking so bad that I could barely grab the blade....
just to think of what happened that day hurt me like all hell. Seriously, every time that I even begin to think about it, I start crying.
And in this shithole, every time they saw me cry, they upped the dosages, added pills. If I was awake when they thought I should've been sleeping, out came the sleeping pills. If I were asleep during the day, I was jabbed awake and gave me something that gave me too much energy, energy that I couldn't burn off, tied up as I was. It's like, lock me up somewhere, no windows, no stimulation, next to no human contact, tie me up, and what else am I supposed to do? No wonder people went crazy and started talking to themselves.
I swear, I feel like I'm a goddamned drug mule...