Categories > Original > Drama0 Reviews
Just me mumbling about my life. BDSM, dichotomy and looking around as opposed to back and forwards...
What I want isn't enough. I realise control isn't in skin and nerves.
Control is written in blood and tears.
I cannot afford what I want most.
I used to want love that thrived on obsession. My obsession with them turned to a sour, overdue need that can no longer be acceptably satisfied.
I used to want control. But now I no longer crave the baton or staff. Instead I am disillusioned and barely pushing the conversation.
I used to want a crutch and now my needs lie empty. I'm left with a want for a need and a desperation to decide my desires.
Basically, I feel like I've woken up after the past two years being simple desires that now have altered and changed so vastly I barely recognise myself.
Do I want to cut myself? I can't be bothered.
Do I want to kill myself? Not really.
Do I want to abduct a stranger? I can't be bothered.
Do I want to screw everyone I'd of died for? No.
Do I want to hurt anyone? I have no idea.
So who am I now if I'm not an eyes-down, silent plotting, lusty masochist?
I can't look at myself or the situation I've been thrown into the same.
I don't want to talk to strangers, I don't need the thrill.
I don't want to please them. I don't need the approval.
So I'm now left in a life I weaves so intricately that my surroundings know nothing else.
Kinda screwed until this all clears up.
Truth is, I now know happiness.
I can't say I'm happy all the time.
I can't say I don't long for an escape from myself.
Though I can now say I can wake up and have a reason to smile to myself like a smug little cunt. These past few months have been amazing and I can't believe how much my whole life has changed. I feel as if now I'm being thrown into the shit once more.
It's time to clear it out.