If you read my other entry then you'll know what I'm talking about.
I feel so stupid writing this right now but I just feel like I need too.
I understand that I have disappointed people by what I have done. I am sorry I have disappointed you. I never wanted that I just felt it was best.
I know that's stupid but anyway. Again I apologize to anyone I have disappointed.
Now here is why. An explanation on why I'm doing this.
It just seems like the best thing to do. Every time I do cry in front of people it just makes me feel worse because now they are feeling bad when they were having such a wonderful day.
I get the fact that of course they are going to do that because they care about me and blah blah blah.... I just honestly feel like I'm not worth it.
I've never been worth anyone's worry, anyone's care, or even anyone's love.
I just don't deserve it. I never have and never will. It's just I have told so many lies and have done so many bad things that... I just don't deserve it.
Yes, people tell me that I do deserve love and crap but. They don't know the things that I have done. They don't know what lies I've told. They just know what I want them to know. They know the person that I have made up in my mind and turned into a part if my act. They only know the character they never truly know the actor.
If I was to ever slip from my act for more then 5 minutes and show who the actor is I get the counselor called on my ass. Or numerous amounts of people giving me that sad look or coming up to comfort me.
I don't want your comfort. I don't deserve your comfort. I just don't.
Someone has asked me before what have you done that's so bad or what lies have you told to make you think that you deserve this.
I have been plain rude to people. I've used people. I have hurt people. I have lied to people about things that I'm just devastated about. That's why I deserve this.
To be honest sometimes I question my own existence.
I wonder why am I even worth wasting all this precious air on myself when someone else can clearly use it. But I guess it's because I never was meant to be happy. I am meant to make other people happy. I suffer in my own mind but I help with the people around me. I would prefer to just harness all this pain on my own and have everyone else happy. Because they actually deserve it. I honestly think I don't.
I never have never will. I have learn to except it. I just wish everyone else would.
Sadly tho... I never committed suicide. I have wanted to repeatedly and have even tried numerous amounts of times. But I never fully do it. The thought of how I would cause the ones I love pain is just to sickening. They don't deserve this pain. They don't deserve it. They just deserve happiness.
So, that's why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm sorry if this just makes people more disappointed in me. I'm sorry if this even saddens people. To be honest I'm not worth it. Really I'm not.
So there is my reason. This is why. This way everyone is happy because if they don't know how I'm thinking on the inside. How depressed I actually am then they have nothing to worry about. Nothing to put a damper on their day.
So there. This is why I'm doing this. I deserve this.
So..... I guess I'm done.