Oh and I've finished the planning, its going to be around 10 chapters in total so not a long one but hopefully it's okay? As usual please let me know in the reviews what you think :3
I think of Frank, the strange boy I only met today, as I wander the city streets aimlessly, kicking the occasional abandoned soda can aside.
He was quiet and scared, I could see it in his eyes, but he had a certain edge to him; a tarnish to his aura, like he had a secret. I guess it's not unusual for someone attending forced therapy sessions to have a secret though. I guess I've never really thought about other people before, not the other people who go in and out of that office every day anyway.
The cold air wraps itself around my skin like flames, burning me with its icy grip and I shiver involuntarily. I carry on walking, and thinking, until I feel warmth on my cheek, and reaching my hand up to touch my face hesitantly, I feel wet. Even though I have a feeling that I know what's coming, I sigh slightly before feeling instantly stupid as I realise I am crying.
This always happened afterwards. After I've had an intense outburst of anger, I always feel so weak and tired. It drains me; the control the emotions have over me when I'm angry is suddenly gone and its like I have to be in control of myself again, and my body doesn't seem to understand how to react. How to be normal.
I find nearest tree and, huddling into my favourite leather jacket, crouch down and sit in the ground underneath it, sucking in deep shuddering breaths. Before long I give up fighting back the sobs and let the tears flow down my pallid cheeks. I must be the most pathetic person on the planet right now.
* a week later *
"So, Gerard, how have you been this week?"
She always starts the session in the same way - without fail the same question, a gross invasion of my private emotions, comes up. Sometimes I try to think of a witty, sarcastic comment to answer her with, but today I can't be bothered.
"Alright," I offer, "I've been trying to help my mom around the house."
She smiles brightly, "That's great Gerard! The more you show her that you're being considerate to others and moving on from the past, the easier it will be to build a relationship with her again. "
I do agree with her of course, I mean, she may be a bitch but she knows what she's talking about. It's just that I don't like talking about what happened. There are some things in life that are easier, healthier to forget. In my case, Mikey and the incident, is one of them.
We continue to talk and luckily she seems to be in a good mood today, and doesn't ask too many questions. We talk about school; I'm failing everything except art. She says it's good that I have a way to express myself besides violence. She says I should think about studying it at college, but I don't know- college is for people who get good grades, people who like going to parties and have lots of friends, people who are normal. But maybe I could fit in there, someday? It's still almost a year till I graduate, so I've got time to think, but I've been through a lot in my eighteen years and I could kinda use some normal. Maybe college could help me move on.
By the end of the hours I actually feel like I'm beginning to get somewhere. Things are going to change soon, I can feel it. For the first time in years, things are looking up. I smile at ms. Therapist as I leave the minimilist office and enter the even more minimilist waiting room. These people sure do like their empty spaces- woah.. I stop abruptly. God, I've walked into someone. A short boy with messy black hair and a familiar looking bag..
"Oh! Sorry, I-I'm so sorry.." He stutters awkwardly. I frown and grin at the same time.
"No, s'my fault," I pause, "Uh, have a good session anyway." I nod before turning and walking out. He's so nervous, so shy.. seems like a cool guy though. I push open the heavy double doors at the school entrance but decide not to go straight home. Instead I wander to the nearest park and sit on the rusty swings as I plug in my iPod. I love music, it's such a volatile thing; it can bring out or make you embrace any emotion, any feeling.
I sit back and set my favourite playlist onto shuffle. Today is a good day, I think to myself.
I must have dozed off for a bit because when I open my eyes the Jersey sky is beginning to dim and I can feel that certain change in the air that tells me it's late in the afternoon, starting to blur into evening. I look across the grass, wondering whether anyone is still inside the school when I notice a small figure coming out of the main doors. It takes me a second to realise that it's Frank. He must be the last person to see the shrink today.
I think he's not going to see me but then he looks up and notices me immediately. Shit. Oh Jesus, he's walking over. Why is he coming over here? I do like him and stuff but I just walked into him like an hour ago, I'm probably not his favourite person right now.
My therapist once told me; 'Do one thing every day that scares you'.
I thought that seemed like the most ridiculous idea at the time- how can scaring yourself every day help you in any way? How is punishing yourself a step towards recovery when you already punish yourself enough? But slowly, I've come to realise that doing something - occasionally, not every day - that scares you, that forces you out of your comfort zone can be helpful, can be a good thing.
So today I've decided. I'm going to throw myself out there, man up and face one of my biggest fears. I'm going to talk to Gerard, try to have a conversation with him, and who knows what might happen...
So despite my anxiety and the fact that I'm shaking from more than just the cold, I walk determinedly out of the school after my session has finished, and I see that Gerard is still there. He's sat in the park right next to school even though its gone five pm. My heart sinks, plunging low into my stomach; part of me was hoping, counting on the fact that he'd have gone home, so I'd have to put off my exploration for another day.
But now I've decided I'm doing this now, there's no backing out, because I'm not going to let myself. I need to do this. I walk nervously to the park, wincing as the rusty metal gate creaks when I push it open and step inside. Gerard must have seen me as soon as I walked out the doors but he looks kind of shocked, probably at the fact that I'm voluntarily coming to talk to him after we shared such an awkward moment earlier.
"Hey," I say quietly when I reach him, and take a seat on the swing next to him.
I look around, searching for something to say. "I'm sorry about bumping into you earlier, I take it your session went okay though? She seemed in a good mood today.."
Gerard stares at me, and frankly, I'm not surprised. That's probably the longest amount of time he's ever heard me speak for.
"Yeah it was okay actually, what about you?" He says eventually.
"Hmm, yeah it was okay, the usual you know?"
He looks curious, "What is the usual?"
As soon as he says it I panic slightly and suddenly my new found confidence is gone. I don't mind him knowing that I have problems - obviously I have problems or I wouldn't be in therapy - I'm just not ready to tell this boy who I barely know my deepest darkest secrets.
"Oh, not much, just, you know.."
"Stuff?" he offers.
I sigh, "yeah, stuff"
"Do you wanna talk about it?" he pauses and chuckles to himself after a minute but I fail to see the joke. He glances at me and explains, "cause you know, we're in therapy, we spend too much time talking about our problems anyway.."
I smile at him, before taking out my phone to see what time it is. I promised my mom I'd be home before six. "yeah you're right. uh, I should probably be getting home.."
He glances at his own watch, "Me too, I don't wanna let my mom down"
"Where do you live?"
"Just round on the corner, by the old park?" He says.
I feel myself brighten at what he's just told me. "No way. Me too!"
He giggles under his breath, "Wanna walk together?" He asks.
"Sure." I smile back, standing up and following him towards the gate.