Explanations, a week of miserable moping around, condom gloves, an upcoming gig and Franklin the horse.
"No.." I breathed out "He can't be"
Gay? But he dated Kat! He seemed quite devastated when Kat broke up with him, or did he just enjoy blaming me about it when in all honesty he didn't even care one bit? But why on earth would a gay male have dated a girl in the first place? And what about last night? He sure didn't seem to not be physically attracted to the opposite sex, or if he really had warm and fuzzy thoughts about other men, his body sure didn't agree. He had been turned on, dicks don't lie.
"I thought you said you didn't know him?" She shrugged. So I said, I thought and made a face.
"Well I don't. But I've seen him before and" think think think "he was with this girl, they dated for sure. Looked like a couple to me" I tried to appear indifferent about it.
She placed her notes and the pen on the coffee table and rested her hands on her lap. She turned to me, wearing this arrogant I know what I'm talking about kind of smile.
"Look. You started later than the rest of us freshmen did. When the semester begun, that guy even dressed like a lady." She paused for a second, waiting for a reaction I never gave out "You wouldn't have recognized him for a male unless he forgot to shave his legs and even then, he was so pretty that most of the guys started feeling okay about dating a girl with a bit hairy legs. It wasn't until, well, about the time you started here, that he started dressing according to his gender. So make what you want of it, I really don't care all that much"
She flashed me a sickly sweet smile, handed me the papers and after wishing me a pleasant schoolday, disappeared into the crowd.
I was frozen on my seat, awestruck in the worst possible way, trying to rearrange my thoughts. Gerard used to be crossdressing? But what about Kat, it didn't fucking add up!
My eyes searched for him, but he had left the cafeteria during the talk with my little obnoxious but helpful friend here.
My mind went back to last night, his body pressed upon mine, his moist breath on my skin making goosebumps appear wherever his mouth went near, his finger tracing my features, his hand on my throat, tightening and tightening with every mocking smile I gave him. Had he been making fun of me? Had he merely tried to prove something, prove that I wanted something I could never have?
A gay man attacking a straight girl and practically humping her in the middle of the living room floor sounded pretty much like the worst case of leading someone on.
I can't believe he did that just to humiliate me.. Did he know how turned on I was, how I wanted nothing more at that precise moment than to tear his clothes of and have him fuck me until I forgot my own name? He had to have known, and he used that fact against me, I realized sadly.
He made me want something I could never have, I repeated in my mind, tasting the truth in what I'd just declared. Suddenly I felt dirty to the bones, it was like a brand new level of low..
Humiliating, degrading. Those words rang in my ears for some reason as I stood up, folding the notes and putting them in my messenger bag. I couldn't be bothered with returning the cup to the tray that had been placed by the counter for students who felt like cleaning up after themselves. Not me, obviously.
I walked mechanically down the hall, to the next lecture hall. I took a seat in the nearly empty room and tried my best to listen to what the professor was talking about. Something about art as a form of therapy, which made sense cause that was what the course was called. Humiliating, degrading. The words described my feelings quite accurately, but there was something more to them than just that, a sense of familiarity, a feeling of déjá-vu. I nearly fell off my chair when the bell in my head finally rang.
The exact same words I'd used to describe what I had made Gerard feel in the lobby, by making him kneel and beg in front of me!
It wasn't about putting me to shame, it was a about fucking revenge!
My mind went blank after my realization and I fought tears the entire afternoon, not seeing or hearing anything that was going on around me.
Even though I felt shaky like a dry autumn leaf, by body was oddly numb and steady.
I felt like a zombie, minus the craving for brains.. I almost chuckled at my stupid remark, but didn't. My smile for today was buried so deep that I had hardly the strenght or the will to dig it up and wear it.
As if blindfolded, and with my imaginary headphones on me blasting definite silence into my ears, I went on with the day. It was a goddamn battle, but somehow I made it through.
Gerard had apparently unofficially moved in with us. I started finding his belongings scattered all over the place, his toothbrush appeared next to my yellow one and Frank's batman patterned one, his cd's and comic books often lay on the living room floor and his clothes were popping up in the most inappropriate places. If he wanted to invade Mikey's personal space and take over his closets and drawers, he could for all I cared, but it was nowhere near the same thing as claiming the top drawer in the goddamned kitchen his and mixing his socks and underwear with the forks and knives. We ate with those. We fucking ate with those.
I even found myself accidentaly doing his laundry, and after spending everyday cleaning up after these mens mess, I finally decided this shit had got to stop.
I had a hard time cleaning up after myself, I would do the dishes and fold my own laundry, gritting my teeth and feeling like killing someone, but I sucked it up and got it over with, but this... This was too much.
It had been five days since the little chat with the petty bitch at school, and I had started to run out of things I could direct my anger at. The latest victim had been the coffee maker, which was when I finally realized this had gone too far and seriously considered therapy, I mean, it was one thing to yell at everyone who dared to as much as look at you, but inflicting pain on such a innocent piece of utility was beyond explanation. I had hurt what I loved the most, my faithful friend of lightless mornings..
I had spent almost an hour and a half apologizing to it, making amends, before deciding I was way too drunk to be dealing with shit like that and had gone to bed.
Frank yelled at me for breaking the coffee maker in the morning, and I almost burst in tears all over again.
Whether I was a totally uncontrollable, childish lump of emotional mess or just way too drunk most part of my days, I couldn't tell, but even I was starting to grow sick of my own behavior. For the first time in my life I caught a glimpse of what people must've felt when they'd call me nerve-wrecking and untolerable.
I could hardly deny those things anymore.
What only added to my strained nerves was that Gerard had finally seemed to have gotten some sense into Mikey, and the little traitor was bound to drop by today. He wasn't gonna to be staying, as he'd so kindly repeated for ten fucking times, but he was gonna spend some time at home, which made my mood lighten up but also got me nervous as hell.
I still felt like I deserved a proper apology, especially for the cow thing, but getting to harass Mikey all night with some intense cuddling and my endless amount of shit to whine about was nearly good enough.
Frank was trying to fix the coffee maker, and I tapped my foot restlessly by the kitchen table, waiting for a key to turn in the lock.
"Happy much?" Frank inquired with a chuckle, followed by a bunch of muffled curse words, brought on ny what looked to me like a tiny eletric shock.
"You should use rubber gloves, you know, to avoid dying" I commented.
He looked up to me wearing a blank expression "And do we happen to have any of those?"
I thought for a moment.. we had plastic bags, those weird shaped, supersized, unpractical gloves that came with hair dye packages, hm.. Ha!
"I know! You could wear condoms on your fingers, aren't they like the same material? Latex or some shit?"
He seemed to start building up a laughing slash mocking fest but after a not so tiny electric shock, he looked up and shrugged sheepishly.
So I watched Frank trying to reassemble the gadget, wearing a full pack of condoms on his fingers, ready to sell my soul for a camera. If anything in the whole wide world was worth taking a picture of, this was it. This was the moment. Unfortunately, I owned no such technology and settled on memorizing the scene in front of me, so I could look back to it in future moments of misery and find a smile.
I snapped out of my thoughts when Gerard burst into the room.
"He ain't coming today after all" He declared "But he'll show up at the gig on friday. Kid's really looking forward to it"
Gig. What gig? I had a feeling it should have rang a bell, but all I heard was an empty echo in my brains.
"Cool" Frank smiled.
What fucking gig were these people talking about? I was afraid of asking, knowing that this was propably something I should be perfectly aware of. I did realize I had spent the last week locked up in my own head, snapping at everyone, drinking and not leaving anything or anyone unpunished for the negative feelings I had been given.
I can't remember a time I would have been such a bitch even to Frank, but he merely shrugged and brushed it off, letting me act out as much as I wished without ever making him mad at me. Somehow, it had made me even angrier and I had gone to ignoring him, too, and therefore not paying slightest interest to anything he spoke of.
I felt like I had to somehow contribute to the conversation and make it look like I hadn't forgotten anything important "Can't wait" I commented tentatively, making Frank's head snap right up.
"I didn't know you were coming?"
"Oh.. Well Of course I'm coming.." I tried.
"That's nice of you" He smiled, gazing into my eyes in a way that made me think I really really should know what they were talking about. I didn't just sign up for another night of driving to Elisabeth to listen to fucking NJ Bloodline, did I? Stab me if I did.
"So.. Mikey's gonna be there.. Who else is going? Anyone I know?" I asked conversationally, fishing for hints. Gerard let the room quietly, I'm guessing our two minutes in the same room were up already.
"Well I am kinda needed there so obviously I'm going.. And uhm.. I think you know most of us, Em"
"....Like the entire Pencey Prep and most of our limited fanbase"
"Ohh! You're playing!" I shrieked before I could stop myself. I blew my cover big time. "I mean, I knew, I just.. Eh, I'm so excited"
"You're such a lousy friend" Frank shook his head but kept the smile on his face. This man, thinking about a gig he was going to play, was propably physically unable to wipe the grin off his lips.
"But a friend non the less" I sang.
I had become quite good at ignoring Gerard completely, after lashing out on him due to the laundry incident, we had pretty much just stayed out of each other's way. For a day I had passed him notes through Frankie but after my reasonable and smart best friend convinced me of how ridiculous it was, I stopped. I just gave Gerard the cold shoulder instead, pretending that I didn't spend every night in my bed crazy with lust, almost smelling his peculiar scent and feeling his body pressed against mine. I tried to tell myself that obsessing over someone who choked you was completely normal, and kept fantisizing about his body for half the night before, not without effort, shaking off any warm and fuzzy thoughts about the guy.
He was off limits, which only made me want him that much more.
I wondered if I could get him so drunk on Friday that he'd eventually forget about being gay and I'd be able to lure him somewhere nice and secluded and...
Crap, Mikey's going to be there. I'm supposed to hang out with him trying to restore our ever-lasting friendship by making it clear that I did not sleep with his brother and here I am, planning on doing the exact opposite.
Frank was right, I am a lousy friend. Though, I wonder if I could do both... I mean, Mikey's going to pass out eventually, or start his drunken misbehavior (Mikey couldn't handle his booze very well) and get kicked out.... No. Bad, bad Em. No Gerard. Just Mikey. Friendship. Reunion. Fluffy, gooey things like that. No steaming hot, dirty backstage sex.
"Where are you going?" I yelped as I noticed Frank slip out of the room.
"Rehearsal. We only got this day on us, tomorrow Tim won't be able to make it and rehearsing without a drummer feels kinda pointless" He shrugged
"Can I come?" I beamed
"...Em" He protested "I've told you a hundred times that the guys don't want you anywhere near our band practise after the keyboard incident"
Yeah, I accidentaly caused a little mayhem at Tim's basement over the summer, knocking over the mic stand sending it flying toward the drums, luckily only puncturing a spare drum that had been lying around. Me, on the other hand, lost my balance and crashed down onto Shaun's brand new keyboard. I had a feeling they hadn't exactly forgiven my honest mistake, as I was still banned from their rehearsals or any place with intruments, I guess.
"I'll be good, Frank! I'll sit still the entire time, please Frankie, please please please" I tried to pull off a cute puppy face "I'm not even drunk"
Frank still had a very sceptic look on his face but I could tell he was giving in. "And I won't bring any alcohol either. I'll be sober and nice" I bargained
With a loud groan he made a hand gesture that implied I'd won the battle, and I hopped off the stool I'd been sitting on and hurried to find my shoes.
I was going to the band practise!
After pulling my worn out motorcycel boots on I ran after Frank and jumped onto his back, planting hasty kisses on his neck and earlobes. He didn't mind giving me a piggyback ride, though it definitely made walking down the stairs a challenge for him. I paused my kissing fest to avoid any broken bones but once we reached the pavement, nothing could hold me back.
He tried to appear annoyed with me but couldn't quite hide the giggles that shook his body as I went on with my happy burst, laughing and teasing and pinching him while singing an improvised song about a horse called Franklin.
I felt weightless, though I'm sure it didn't feel that way for Frank the horsie,
and simple, unexplained happiness took over me. It was going to be a sober, good day and I was getting to spend it with Frank. So what was to be sad about now that even the coffee maker had risen from the dead in Frank's capable hands?
"I have a horsie, his name is Franklin, Frankiieee for sshhoorrrt,- Dude, what rhymes with short?"
"Shut up, Em"