Basically a 'Thoughts chapter' from both Gerard & Frank's views about the situation! ^.^
Chapter 11: Forget about me; it's what I deserve [Jasey Rae (All time low)]
I yawned, checked the time and was about t scream out about why I was up so early, but I quickly stopped myself because Frank was in a deep sleep next to me. He was truly adorable when he slept, his mouth was slightly open and he just look so peaceful.
There was no words in the English language that could describe him perfectly, maybe in some other undiscovered language but I wasn't exactly an expert when it came to the academic side of life. The side that made my brain hurt like a bitch.
To me he was just Frank and that was all I could ever ask for. I glanced at the window, taking note that the sun hadn't even rose yet. It was around four am – a great time to be awake, right?
The only thing that would calm me down would be if I went for a walk; a long walk to try to erase the memories of last night. 'Why do you want to erase the memories' I hear you ask; well, I had many reasons. How could I have taken advantage of him like that?
Frank probably hates me now and will never talk to me again. He probably thinks that I'm such a freak who just did that to anybody, that I was some sort of guy-slut who didn't care about anyone else's emotions.
I needed to get out.
I slowly slid out from underneath Frank who had been wrapping his arms tightly around me, I replaced my body with a pillow and frowned a little. I immediately stripped out of my boxers and changed into a clean pair before sliding on a pair of black tight jeans that I swore were Frank's – but right now I honestly didn't give a damn.
I only wanted to make him happy but...Somewhere deep inside of me was screaming that I had taken advantage of him and that it was wrong and ridiculous. You're such a dick to him, Gerard. You knew that this would never work out. Just end it. Go on; do it. Spoke the side of me that I hated, the side that I tried to shut out all the time. But I couldn't stop whatever was going on between me and Frank; I refused. He was perfect; everything I wanted.
I guessed that right now the best thing that I could do would be to give us both some space. Frank would be dead worried if he woke up and I wasn't there. I never wanted to make him worry – ever. Who would? All I wanted was to have some time to think things through.
Then...Maybe...Everything would be alright again. We could forget about the events from last night and things can go right back to where they were?
However the real question that I should be asking myself was whether I truly wanted to forget what had happened. I never wanted to hurt him...But would this hurt him even more?
Did he want to forget? I ran a hand through my hair and rubbed my sore eyes before I threw on a black tight top and my black hoodie. I grabbed my I-pod from the desk as I made my way to the door.
Obviously not being able to control my inner feelings, I found myself running over to Frank and running the back of my hand across his cheek slowly. Definitely the hardest part in any relationship is leaving that special person that meant the absolute world to you. And everyone else was going to think that I was crazy, due to the fact that I had only known Frank for a mere few days...
Did I really know him? Honestly, I didn't know how I was going to answer that question. Not at all. Frank was insanely shy - always had been by the looks of things, but I also think that he had a past that he would only share with a few certain people. I really did hope that I could be one of those people.
If anything had or was upsetting Frank then I would do my best to stop it. This is exactly why I needed to give him some time to think. In-case anything that I had done was upsetting him. He would understand that, right?
Well, God I hoped so. I leaned down and pressed my lips gently to his hair before running out of the door before he woke up. The whole time I was trying to be as quiet as I could so that I didn't wake him and set my mind on the right track. Mentally trying to make my mind adjust to the 'real world' and not 'Frank world'.
Mikey had always been the one thing that had stayed completely constant throughout my whole life. We had been thrown into this world of adulthood together thanks to our parents and, even though he was two years younger than me, he had seemed so much older for the majority of the time. I guessed that it was because his mind was completely different to mine. His was always set on one thing, one definite answer.
On the other hand mine was constantly being over-crowded by various answers that were most likely wrong but they were my own nonetheless. At the end of the day, Mikey had always been there for me and whenever it felt like I had no-one; he was there.
Fuck. A vital piece of information suddenly started buzzing through my head. The conversation that I had with Mikey from earlier suddenly pulled me back into reality. He was drunk. Yet again. Oh man...Time for me to play the role of a responsible big brother, right? Ray was probably filling in for the part right now, or Mikey was passed out in the bath.
Either one; Mikey was going to be a mess.
My heart-rate began to quicken immensely when I rolled to my left and instead of expecting to lay onto Gerard, all I felt was a soft pillow. Instantly, my instincts kicked in and I sat up and ran to the bathroom, knocking furiously. When I got no answer I opened the door anyway and it was empty. But...No...
I was all on my own.
I had felt alone before in my life; it was hardly a new feeling. I mean, everyone gets lonely right, it's totally normal. But when you've felt alone for your whole life and then someone comes along to change it...Then they leave; that's when it really hits you. When it hits you truly in the guts and you just feel like a ghost. That time is now for me and I'm sorry to say that I really did feel the worst that I had ever done in my life.
The events from last night suddenly came running through my head. That was why he left wasn't it! He thought that it was sick and wrong! Because I let him! I was such a disgusting slut! I ran into the bathroom and slammed the door, locked it before jumping in to the shower, trying to erase any trace of him touching me.
It was disgusting that he could...Make me feel the way that I did. It was...Almost impossible for me to not deny it. When he had done what he did it made me forget everything bad in my life. The fact that my parents had kicked me out, so I was forced to go here. I tried to erase those memories from my head.
Gerard was...Extraordinary. That was all I could come up with. He probably hated me but...I could never hate him for what he did. I was the one that let him do it in the first place. I could have always said no; but, why didn't I? Why didn't I shout at him to stop, push him away? Some sick part of me actually wanted him to continue but why...Why did I want that?
Since I was so lost in my thoughts, I hadn't even realized that in the time that I had spent in the shower, was the same amount of time that it took something to happen in between my crotch. Well...That er...Certainly answered my questions about Gerard.
Asshole! Why did he make me feel this way!? I slammed my head against the shower wall and tried to make sense of the situation but nothing would work. We had the day off today, right? Today was a Tuesday, we had Tuesday's off for some unknown reason. That would explain Mikey's strange behaviour last night when he was getting drunk off of his face on the phone to Gerard. Maybe that was where Gerard was?
I took a deep breath and ignored everything that was happening with my body and tried to forget about Gerard, just for a few seconds. Just to stop the intensity that was occurring between my hips. I washed my hair and soon enough, everything calmed down.
I climbed out the shower, dried off and changed into black skinnies, a black short sleeved top and I went to the mirror and applied a little bit of red eyeliner to rim my eyes. For some reason this was always my favourite look. I slid on my converses and shoved on a tight black hoodie of mine.
I still felt like a slut...
No matter how much I tried to get it out of my head. I was confident in the fact that I was a selfish slut who had used Gerard. I bet that he never wanted to do it in the first place. Ugh. I just wanted to knock myself out to escape this. Why was I going to chase after someone who hated me? Yes...Why was I?
So instead of making my way over to Mikey's dorm I skulked through the campus and sat down in a coffee shop, ordering a drink before taking a seat in the corner of the room. I needed time to think this through.
Gerard: [Around 5am]
“Mikey! Come on, man! You need to stop!” Ray tried to reassure him, trying to make Mikey stop dancing around their dorm room. I groaned and rolled my eyes sarcastically.
“I just used to give up and wait for him to drop to the floor...” I muttered to Ray quietly, he laughed and soon enough as if on queue; Mikey fell to the floor unconscious. Jumping up to my knees, Ray came with me before we picked Mikey up before laying him on his bed again, making sure that he wasn't going to hurt himself in any way. Ray offered his bed to me and I shook my head.
“No thanks, I'll pull out the chair.” I gestured to the chair behind me that was the most comfiest chair in the world and to make it even better, it extended into a mini-bed. So I pulled that out and Ray threw me his covers before he took out some blankets for himself. I sat up in the bed and glanced at Mikey before taking out a cigarette and my lighter, Ray raised an eyebrow high at me.
“I never knew you smoked,” Ray gestured to all of me and I shrugged a little.
“Have done for...Must be about three...Four years now. I don't do it around Mikey though, he thinks that I quit long ago but...I never want to disappoint him.” I explained quietly as I lit it up and took in a deep breath. Ray switched off the light and sat up in his bed, running his hands over his face.
“Ah...That's understandable. He seems pretty alone here. Before I arrived he was quiet and now I know that, he's very far from that.” Ray frowned a little, glancing at Mikey. “You and him are so much a-like, you do know that right?” I nodded slowly, I did know that. God did I know that. Everyone used to always compare us to each other.
“So...Why are you here anyway, Gerard? What about Frank? Where's he at?” I checked my watch and it read about half five in the morning, Frank was probably still asleep and was still completely unaware of my absence. My cheeks immediately blushed a deep red because I was thinking about him.
“I er...” I stammered, taking a deep breath in of the cigarette again to calm myself. “I don't know, I suspect he's back at the dorm.” I shrugged a little, attempting to make it more casual when in actual fact I was terrified of even talking about Frank right now.
“Did you two argue or something?” Ray asked, I put out the cigarette on the floor, making sure that it was out officially before dropping it into the bin behind me.
“S-Something like that...” I mumbled as I could feel myself about to start drowning in dreams. I snuggled into the covers and for some reason it felt like it wasn't enough.
I needed Frank.
I needed him.
I could feel the tears run down my face now as I thought of him more.