With each end, comes a new beginning.
I hadn’t moved from the hallway. My tears had long since dried, leaving an itchy feeling upon my cheeks. My nose was runny, but I couldn’t be bothered to wipe it. My knees hurt but I didn’t want to sit. My heart hurt more.
Footsteps broke me from my less than peaceful trance. “I told you to leave.” I snapped, without turning around.
It was Gerard. “She did leave.”
I couldn’t face him either.
“She didn’t take all of her stuff, but she left you a note.” Gerard continued nervously.
“Burn it.” I replied. “I don’t know that girl, and I don’t care to.”
In a shaky voice Gerard began to read the note out loud. I quickly turned, stealing the piece of paper from his hands. “Just read it.” Gerard urged. “No more mistakes need to be made tonight.”
He left the room, leaving me standing alone once again.
My hands were shaking so badly that I could barely keep the paper from falling out of my hands. I wasn’t sure if they were shaking from anger, or pain… if they could even shake from pain.
I was just confused and hurt, and kind of hated myself… but I hated Taylor more.
Not Taylor. Elena. She was Elena. She wasn’t Taylor. Taylor wasn’t real. I had to keep reminding myself of that.
It was hard.
Her handwriting sent a jolt through my body that I couldn’t explain. As I gazed down, reading the letter, I attempted to feel nothing.
I don’t know how to start this letter, or end it. Or what to say at all, really. I was never much for writing. By the way, the whole travel section writer thing was a lie. Well, you know that. But I mean, if you thought it was a part time thing- not that you would be that stupid. I just, I don’t work for any newspaper.
I want you to know that the first time we met wasn’t a set up, and going to that restaurant that first time wasn’t a set up either. And when I went to the beach with you I did that because I wanted to, not because Gerard told me to.
And Gerard, he isn’t to blame, not at all. He’s just confused and feels like he won’t be accepted. He’s afraid. Don’t fault him for being human.
I know you probably won’t believe any of this letter, and I can’t make you believe me but I hope you at least read these words.
I do love you. I do. I didn’t think it was possible, and I tried to force myself not to love you but I just can’t. I guess love doesn’t have an off button. Suddenly, crazy shit kind of makes sense to me… but that’s off subject, kind of.
I love you, and I hate myself for what I’ve done.
I should have said no. I should have turned Gerard’s offer down. I shouldn’t have played with you. No one deserves that, especially not you.
I know I’m not ‘Taylor’ but directly from Elena I do want to offer you an apology. Things were never supposed to get this far, and you weren’t supposed to get hurt- at all.
I think I’m going to cut myself off here, despite the fact that I could think of another three hundred ways to apologize, in several different languages. And no, I don’t speak different languages… but I googled apologies. Turns out they don’t have a greeting card for this type of situation.
You see, the real me is bad at apologizing. I’ve never done it before. Well, I have. I’ve just never meant it before, which probably doesn’t help my case. But I do mean everything I’m saying to you, in this letter.
Again, cutting myself off.
So I guess we let go now, or I let go. It’s too late to kiss you again. I know you don’t want me to kiss you, or even touch you… so I’m just going to slip out the back door, like a coward.
I have one request, or wish… whatever you’d like to call it. Roll your eyes all you want. I’m still going to make the request.
Don’t settle for less, or for anyone else… just find yourself, because I saw you- the real you… and that’s nothing short of amazing. Don’t waste it on Lauren, or any other girl that can’t appreciate you.
You’re the one thing I’m sure of Mikey. The one thing I could never forget. You’re the air that I breath, etc, etc… I’m also not good at romance. Can you tell? I guess the whole ‘she’s a whore’ part kind of gave that away…
I don’t know how to end this. Think over my request please. You deserve better than most people can offer, way better than I could have ever offered you.
Gerard’s voice startled me. “She didn’t want to do it, you know.”
“What, me?” Yeah, ‘cause the fact that a whore didn’t want to sleep with me made me feel so much better.
“She didn’t want to hurt you.” Gerard answered. “And she didn’t accept the cash. None of it. She didn’t leave with a single penny.”
“She left with my sweats.” My voice was flat, but inside I was feeling anything but emotionless.
“I think that maybe you should go get them.” Gerard commented.
I looked at him. “I should hate you.”
“But you shouldn’t hate her.” Gerard smugly answered.
I needed my sweats back.
No, I didn’t.
Yes, I did.
My cell phone was pressed to my ear and before the receiver of my phone call could even get out a hello I was speaking over him, quite rudely. “I need someone’s address.” There was a pause. “Elena… Elena…” Damn it.
I thought hard, trying to come up with her last name, but I came up blank.
“Wincher?” I tried that. “Wait, no… Winchester.” That had to be right. It had to be. That’s what was on the gravestone, but whose to say she didn’t lie about that?
Turns out she didn’t.
My palms were sweaty and my nerves were on fire. I could feel every inch of my body, mostly each inch that Frank’s hands had been touching the other night.
I wanted to relive that night over and over again, but this time I wanted to relive it without guilt.
Frank’s bedroom door was open.
He was sitting up in bed, and his eyes landed on me when I entered. “You could’ve told me.” He spoke softly, and the hurt was still there. I didn’t expect it to just disappear.
“I was afraid.” The admission was freeing.
Frank’s eyes widened, and some of the judgment edged out. “Sit down.” The offer meant a lot.
So I sat.
“You know, from the moment I met you I wanted to fuck you.” Frank left me shocked with his own admission. “And for some reason I still didn’t get that I was gay.”
“Being gay is hard.” I tried to bite back the chuckle that his words forced forward. Laughing just didn’t seem right in this situation.
“It is.” Frank agreed. “And I’ve only been gay since yesterday.”
“I don’t think there is usually so much drama.” I informed him.
“No, you’re right.” Frank nodded. “I think that’s just you.”
Here goes nothing… “Can I start over?”
“Our entire friendship? That’ll take a lot of work.” Frank wasn’t going to make this easy.
“I mean, can I take you on a date?” My face was the color of a tomato.
Frank chuckled. “Well Gee, you’ve already given up the goods… why would I backtrack?”
“Because my ass is sexy enough to make you want a second round?” The teasing sentence fell out, courtesy of Frank. Really, he was kind of rubbing off on me.
Frank’s laugh filled the room. “Why don’t you take me to breakfast, and then lunch, and then dinner… and then we can come back and I can fuck you?”
How had I gone so long without him?