Categories > Original > Fantasy > MegaMistake

Valerian Root

by CarcinoGeneticist 0 Reviews

RE-UPLOADED because I was having trouble with the view count.

Category: Fantasy - Rating: PG-13 - Genres:  - Characters:  - Published: 2013/03/13 - Updated: 2013/03/13 - 2263 words

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“Mum?”
Where is she? Bloody hell, I hope she’s okay. I took a nap for only a few minutes, woke up on Prospit, and when I woke up, my mum’s gone. Or at least, she didn't answer when I knocked.
“Mum? You in?” I call. I wander out of the flat and look up and down the hallway. The Medium’s outside, and I really hope she hasn’t fallen into it. That would be horrendous.

There’s a tapping down the hallway. “Mum? It’s me! Pottermore! You alright?” I shout, and move towards the noise. It’s coming from the garbage disposal.
“Mum...?”
A bend forms in the garbage disposal door, latches squealing, trying to stay locked. I remember being terrified of monsters in the garbage disposal, but none of that was real. None of that was real.
It’s not real it’s not real it’s not real it’s not real....

The garbage disposal door literally breaks off it’s hinges, monsters pouring out of the chute.
“Fuck!”
I run back into my apartment. I am not going out there again.
Harry Primatesprite’s still tied to a table. Being part ape has done nothing for his intelligence, and he’s more liable to hurt himself if I let him just roam around. In terms of looks, he kind of looks like a shortsighted version of the third one down the evolution lineup.

He bounces up and down, chattering.
“I know, Harry, I know. Shhh! Shush, Harry! They’ll hear you!”
Harry grunts, eyes flickering to the door and then back to me. “Don’t worry, I won’t let them hurt you,” I reassure him, reaching forward and extending my palm. Primatesprite runs his free hand over mine, a symbol of trust. “Atta boy, Harry.”

I’d ask him if he’s seen Mum, but I think knowing that I haven’t got a proper lid on things would just upset the poor fellow. Besides, I’ve got weapons to make if the monsters actually get in here. I can hear faint scratching at the door already.
I need something. A need a thing!
“I need a potion!” I shout. Harry Primatesprite jumps. Potions solve everything! Why didn’t I think of it sooner? But what to make? God, where’m I gonna get Valerian root at this hour? And a wand? Bloody hell, I’ll have to make one! Obviously!

“Primatesprite! I need something this long and this wide and preferably cylindrical!” I outline the dimensions with my hands. “And quickly!”
My Sprite, bless his ghostly heart, does not need to be told twice. He goes bounding off through my apartment, looking for anything that could meet my requirements.
Oh! Somebody’s messaging me!
I check the tag. Fanfiction.net!

[Fanfiction.net (FFN) messaged Pottermore (PM)!]

FFN: Yo! PoMo!
PM: Ello! Haven’t spoken to you in ages!
FFN: Whatever.
FFN: Do you have a Patron Player yet?
PM: Well...
FFN: I’ve just got mine! He’s soooo cool!
PM: That’s
FFN: And he’s gotten me onto my planet already, which is the coolest thing ever!
FFN: And he’s pretty much the most interesting person I’ve ever met in my whole life.
PM: Oh. Okay.
FFN: Yeah. We’re like totally best friends now. BF’s for F.

A knot’s risen in my throat. What did I do? I must’ve said something or done something to deserve this.

FFN: You still there?
PM: Yes. It’s just...
PM: I thought we were best friends.
PM: Is all.
FFN: What? Sorry, that part didn’t send, and my Patron Bro is messaging me.
FFN: His name’s HSG.
FFN: I MUST ANON!

I swallow, hard. Go away, bad knot.
Primatesprite’s back with a wizard statue and a plastic recorder. I mutter a thanks and combine them using my sylladex. It beeps out a happy melody along with a “Congratulations! You’ve created the Fanflute!”

Apparently, mixing a wizard statue and a plastic recorder just makes a shittier recorder. I blow into it experimentally, and it produces a sound so shrill the monsters at the door yowl and back off.
Ugh. Is it too soon to message Youtube? Last time I did, she was trying to enter the game and something was bothering her, but I didn’t want to push her. Youtube’s a special girl, and I don’t like seeing her hurt.

I mean...she’s super smart! And funny, when she’s in a good mood! And she’s super competent and kind of feral, but it suits her! And I think she's really pretty! I mean...I just...she’s...indescribable. And so sad.
Is this wrong? She’s one of my best friends. One of the few humans left. Does it even remotely matter, like who even gives a shit about my romantic life? Shouldn’t survival be more important? Does anyone even care? I just...I can’t shake the feeling that we’re made for each other.

Right then. Back to business. Magic.
“Primatesprite! I need marbles, a box of matches, and plastic bugs!” I command.
He nods happily and goes pinging back through the flat.
I’m not going to message Youtube yet. I don’t want to hurt her yet.
Primatesprite’s back quickly, and I combine the objects held in his soft palms into Glowbugs, which hover around you and cast light.

There’s more scratching at the front door and now at the window down the hall. Primatesprite hisses, reaching for my hand. “I know. I know. I just..I have to figure this out first.”
There’s a crash from down the hallway, followed by hisses and moans. “Uh oh.”

I race down the hall to my bedroom, grab the first thing I find-Director’s cut of Lord of the Rings-and race back into the main hallway to prototype it with something. What’s that? I’ll use that thing!
My God...My good God...I’ve made...I’ve created....
YOU SHALL NOT STAFF.

Fuck. I’ve combined the LOTR set with a coatrack. I’ve made my weapon a magical fucking coatrack staff. And it’s not one of those, “Oh, wow, that was originally a fucking coatrack? I COULDN’T TELL!” It’s quite obviously a magic coatrack. The little knobbly coatrack hangers are sticking off the side, too. Ugh.

But whatever. I raise the staff up, and white magic flares out from the side of it.
“Whoa! Um, EXPECTO PATRONUM!”
A flare of white magic shoots, then abruptly gutters out. But still, it’s pretty well wicked!

I take aim, and let fire, blasting the hell-socks off those little hellions. One good shot manages to take care of most of them, so I quickly look back to my messages.
Oh, now who’s this?

[?????? (TMB) messaged Pottermore (PM)!]

TMB: #AARADLFKJASDGLKAHSDFLKJ!
PM: Oh, hello Youtube! Sorry, my chat’s not recognizing you.
TMB: I’M NOT YOUTUBE YOU THICK!HEADED!MISOGYNIST!
TMB: DO ALL GIRLS SOUND THE SAME TO YOU OR SOMETHING #ASSHOLE?!
PM: Uh...no?
PM: Youtube’s just...she’s got mood swings like that sometimes. She has really bad days where she’s not herself.
TMB: yeah i know of her shes got no!sense of humor
PM: Not true! She’s very sarcastic!
PM: Sometimes.
PM: But anyways, doll, what’s got you in such a snit, hmm?
TMB: whoa there douche!face slow down on the nicknames
PM: But I have to use nicknames for I don’t know your real name!
TMB: tumblr
PM: Nice to meet you. I am Pottermore.
TMB: yeah i know who you are weve been watching you
TMB: and is your friend #ffn always such an asshole
PM: Um...well...he doesn’t mean to be!
PM: He’s a good person, deep down.
PM: Somewhere.

The Bad Knot about him and I not being best friends anymore is back. I must’ve done something. I’ve only wanted to be a friend to somebody.

TMB: but hes such a moron about shipping and stuff okay
TMB: who do you #ship
PM: nobody whatsoever.
TMB: how what even
PM: Don’t hate. Appreciate.
TMB: youre!insufferable
TMB: hows the game going
PM: Scary as all get-out, love! And I mean that in a non-disrespectful way!
TMB: :|

PM: I mean, I didn’t like the world I was in before this, most of the people were scum and all and I wasn’t exactly sorry to see them go.
PM: But I sort of thought this game would bring all of us closer together as friends.
PM: And now I haven’t heard from either of the girls in my group.
PM: And my best friend’s met somebody a tad more interesting that I.
TMB: http://degrassi.wikia.com/wiki/File:Oh_my_god_who_the_hell_cares.gif

PM: You’re a bitch. Are you aware of this?
TMB: i aint apart of this system and i dont give a rats!ass about your problems okay
PM: And I give one about yours, presumably?
TMB: okay fine no feeling jams here lets just talk about the game okay
TMB: and by the way you might want to get into the game asap because your friend ffn fucked up and has potentially killed himself and the rest of you guys

PM: Oh God, what’s he done this time?
TMB: he took a game hack and for the record dont ever take a game hack
PM: You can HACK HOMESTUCK?

TMB: yeah but you’re not supposed to
TMB: but people do it anyway
TMB: so my #dickheaded doucherival!Bastard hsg gave your friend a hack that got him into the game faster so he’s on his planet

HSG! That bastard! Shows him right!

TMB: and game hacks can be picked up by the enemy in your session
TMB: so she knows where you all are
TMB: and shes coming to slice you up
PM: Who is this mysterious woman who’s going to Nagini me unless I get a move on?
TMB: queen of derse shes a total nasty woman
TMB: shes got this #ring that gives her infinite power and shit
TMB: and to win the game you need to kill her but you cant while shes got the ring on
PM: So what now? I take the ring and throw it in the fires of Mount Doom?
TMB: well do whatever the fuck you guys want we just cut off her hand though

PM: So your session’s enemyless?
TMB: no our sessions null and void because of hsg
TMB: he hacked the system to get our!queen alone and he killed!her and cut off her hand
TMB: so we can’t move forwards
PM: What a dick!
TMB: #seconded
PM: But my session’s Queen of Derse is alive?
TMB: alive and ready to carve
PM: And it’s all FFN’s Fault?

TMB: yes
TMB: and something important she can kill you while in the medium because shes got this thing that her ring can do called #redmiles
TMB: and the red miles always find you you cant escape them
TMB: you cant escape the miles
TMB: nobody can escape the miles

PM: That’s no good! I have to get working!
TMB: there we go
PM: I NEED TO MAKE A BROOMSTICK!
TMB: and there it goes

I sign out of the chat with Tumblr and grab the broom out from the corner of the room, searching for anything to cross it with to make it fly. “MUM! WAKE UP!” I shout, running down the hall to check her room again. Why hasn’t she woken up yet?
I thunder down the hall, gripping the coatstaff tightly. “Mum?” I call again, opening her door.
Her room’s been torn apart, with deep slashes in the wall and furniture utterly decimated. And she’s gone.

[Pottermore (PM) messaged Tumblr (TMB)!]

PM: WHERE’S MY MUM GONE TO?
TMB: first rule of adolescent quest is no parents allowed
TMB: havent you seen ferris buellers day off
PM: WHERE IS SHE?!?!
TMB: shes gotten herself kidnapped and is probably on derse right now
TMB: those monsters that you just keep happily!blasting work for the queen
PM: Oh shite!
PM: Will she be okay?
PM: And what do you mean no parents allowed?
PM: FFN’s Sister is still in the game!

Tumblr doesn’t respond. God, like I haven’t gotten enough to deal with, what without her falling silent and all! I have to get my mum back!
I race back to the kitchen, smacking an imp out of my way with the end of my coatstaff. The broom
that’s been gathering dust at the back of the pantry gets combined with one of my Harry Potter books. I slam it to the floor, then command, “UP!”
It jumps into my waiting hand. Wicked!
I don’t take the time to get to the door, just breaking out the window. Flying in a vacuum still feels weird, mostly because there’s no bleeding friction, so you end up with the feeling of not actually moving anywhere.
But my gate’s getting bigger and bigger, and I pass through the middle of it. It doesn’t even hurt.

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Somewhere in deep space, The Author regrets not giving Pottermore a vacuum to fly around upon.

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