Categories > Original > Fantasy > MegaMistake

Fig is fake

by CarcinoGeneticist 1 review

More Reuploads.

Category: Fantasy - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Fantasy - Published: 2013-03-14 - 1543 words



Glowbugs are the only source of light I’ve got on the new planet. The Land of Fog and Magic lives up to it’s bloody name. “Don’t go too far, Primatesprite! I don’t want to lose ya!” I shout. Harry’s been bouncing through the fog, and I don’t want him to get eaten by a beastie.
I’ve got my computer built into a watch on my wrist, took me what felt like a year to get it, so now it’s not so cumbersome. It’s my WWRWD? one. My mum got it for me ninth birthday. What would Ron Weasley Do?
Glowbugs are fluttering around up near my face. I bat them back in front of me, looking up to the sky. The fog’s not that bad, not oppressive, at any flat rate. I squint through my specs, and I manage to spot em. Spot all the little ones. I’ve never seen so many stars. We don’t get a lot of them in California.

[Pottermore (PM) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]

PM: Hello!
YTB: ugh hey u
PM: Um.
PM: Have you missed me?
YTB: not rly
YTB: w/u?
PM: Uhm.
PM: I’ve missed you.
PM: I mean talking to you. You’re great. And nice! And independent and you don’t really need anyone and if you went to Hogwarts you’d probably be a Ravenclaw because you’ve got smarts.

YTB: o rly
PM: I’d be a Gryffindor because I’m brave and all. But we could still be friends, because I’ve not got prejudice against houses. Most of ‘em are okay, save Slytherin.
YTB: pssh wat u on
YTB: u r not brave ok ur just regular
YTB: which is ok
YTB: some people just aint heros aitgh
PM: But...I want to be a hero! And I’ll be one!
PM: I’ll save somebody! A damsel, perhaps!
PM: She could get kidnapped! By an evil king!
YTB: lol fukker
PM: You’re sounding better, by the by. It makes me sad when you’re not yourself.

YTB: thx 4 notes
YTB: the atmosphere kills me out here man
YTB: somewoh just bein away from dad makes the voices quiteer
YTB: probs nothing thoug
YTB: w/e i hope he stays in jail 4 a LONG teim u read me?
PM: That’s horrendous! Don’t say such things!

I leave her alone for a bit, wandering away from my house into the middle of a fog. There’s a clicking of talons on rock. I glance around, but I don’t see Primatesprite anywhere.
“Harry? You there?” I call. Nothing.

My watch beeps, reading as messages from Tumblr.

[Tumblr (TMB) messaged Pottermore (PM)!]

TMB: hey wiz!kid
TMB: play the fanflute
TMB: do the flutey thing

I glance up to the sky, in case I can see her watching me. My sylladex is still holding my bunk recorder, and I pull it out. Flipping Christ, I’m going to regret this.
I inhale, then try playing Hot Cross Buns. The damned thing screeches and wails, like I’m torturing it with a Cruciatus curse. I feel bad, but I complete the damn song anyways.
Once the ringing in my ears subsides, I manage to hear a deep call coming from far away. I look up into the fog, but I can’t see anything. Have I pissed off an ultimate guardian or something?
There’s a steady whump, whump, whump and it sounds like it’s heading my way.
“Tumblr! THIS ISN’T FUNNY!” I call, hoping that she’ll cut this out quickish.
Turns out, it’s not Tumblr.

A beast with shining yellow scales and milky purple eyes lands in front of me, leathery wings folding and creasing. Hot air snarls in the base of it’s throat, ghosting over jagged teeth and onto my face.
“Oh my God!” I back away, aiming my staff at it’s head. It doesn’t seem too perturbed, just inching closer, evaluating my snack value. “I’m not a piggy! I’m not a porker, okay? I’ve got big bones, and, and, um, I’m not very good! Tough, like! Don’t eat me! I’m nasty, like!” I shout, waving my staff back and forth, hoping to deter it.

It inches closer, massive nostrils flaring as it smells me. A jade tongue rasps out, running up the side of my face. Blech!
“Oi! Cut that out! No tasting me!”

TMB: would u #cutthatshitout
TMB: it aint gonna fucking!eat you

“Hold that thought. And your tongue. Hear?”

PM: Please, love. Clarify for yours truly?
TMB: okay im #fastracking you here
PM: Fastrack away, by all means!
TMB: your in the land of fog and magic
PM: I’ve never seen you use capitals before.
TMB: and magic dont exist anywere else just in ur land okay
TMB: because magic is just #meaninglessbullshit
TMB: whatevs grow up its true
TMB: but LOFAMs full of magical creatures
TMB: and you’ve summoned one
PM: ...really.
TMB: yeah actually enjoy training her

PM: It’s a her?

How can she even tell?
I raise my eyes from my watch, and regard the dragon, who’s calmly watching me. I raise my hand forward, to touch what looks like a soft spot on her nose.
She snaps her mouth forwards, catching my hand in between her extremely large teeth. I scream, and she lets go. “You’re not actually real, are you?” I ask. There’s no fuckin’ way I’m getting a goddamn DRAGON. Not after I’ve gotten my Hogwarts Acceptance letter misplaced for five years!

“Figment. Thass your name. ‘Cause you’re not really real.”
Figment barks, low in her throat, emitting a small burst of flame. The tongue’s back, slurping me in dragon spit.
“Ahh! Figment! Fig! No!”

Figment lies flat on her stomach, and from there it’s an easy hop-skip-jump up behind her ears. “Hell yes. Fuck yes. Hell fucking yes. I’m sitting on a hallucinated dragon!”
Figment rumbles. She agrees with me!
“Okay. Fig!-AWAY!”

I didn’t think she’d actually do it, but away we do go. The scream is a bit high-pitched, considering it’s me, but I manage to keep a firm grip on the staff and onto Fig’s head. Hah! If only the twats at school could see me now! I’d get Fig to eat them! And set the school on fire!
Once we’re up a bit, I get a closer look at the stars.

[Pottermore (PM) started a Group Chat!]

[Pottermore (PM) added (FFN)!]
[Pottermore (PM) added Youtube (YTB)!]
[Pottermore (PM) added Ficwad (FW)!]

PM: Hello everyone!
FFN: Ugh! About time!
FFN: The only messages I’ve gotten are from HSG! Where’ve you guys been?
FW: fyi youve not been in a hurry to message us eiter
FW: Brings tail around her knees, glaring at FFN-chan.
FFN: What.
FW: ive made a whole bunch of cat stuff and now im into rp
YTB: gfd u 2 are so fuckin petty

PM: Look. I know there’s some bad blood going on, but I’ve got something important to say!
FW: Ficwad-kun looks imperiously to Pottermore-Kun, and with interest, beckons him to what he has to say!
PM: Err.
PM: Right.
PM: So listen up, blokes and tarts!
PM: Check out the stars!
YTB: u high or wat
PM: Ficwaffle, when was your birthday?
FW: Thinks November 30th?
PM: Exactly! Guys, we’ve been in the game longer than originally thought!
FFN: You sound really excited!

PM: Guys.
PM: Merry Christmas.

FFN: Holy Sugar Honey Iced Tea!
FFN: You’re joking!
FFN: Already?

YTB: shit didnt get u guiz nuthin
PM: It’s me first Hols away from me mum.
YTB: 1st away from dad
FFN: First away EVER.
FW: aw fuck you guys ive always been alone :( :( :(

YTB: aww sorry bby
YTB: well change 4 u
PM: I remember last Christmas I got a sweater.
FFN: Last christmas my sister sent me a coconut!
FW: FP and i had a mud fight bc there was no snow!
YTB: my dad got me a necklass and said i looked prety
PM: Me mum made cake for the first time.
FW: hung up sticks from the ceiling!
FW: OMG gonna go do thattttt!

YTB: he said i looked like my mom
FFN: Christmas reruns!

PM: I miss those!
YTB: snowmen army bitches!
FFN: No punctuation, no problem.

FW: hey dorkus
FW: fp’s here
FW: just kinda watchin me
FFN: It’s good she finally found you. God, she’s probably so worried.

Figment starts to slow, lowering back to the ground. Harry Primatesprite’s loping over, wide monkey smile, looking happy to finally have found me. My staff lights up, white light spilling out.
Clouds start to gather overhead. It starts snowing. Funny. Never seen snow before.
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