FicWad

Wow. It's been a while, huh?

I miss you guys so much, and I love coming back to see you, but I wish it was under better circumstances. I woke up this morning, saw Gerard's tweet and picture, and thought that looked a lot like Bullets. Then I scrolled down. Comments about asking him not to leave was flooding the page. I was so confused. So, I go onto the main page. It was official. MCR was no more.

Now, before I say anything, I need you guys to know, and I can not stress this enough, that I STILL ADORE THEM! They saved my life countless of times. They made me happy. People at school and home were pissed at me for mentioning them so much. But I couldn't help it. They made me happier than I ever was. Recently, I was kind of growing away from them. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still loved them more than anything, but I was getting into other things, and I didn't really have any time to be obsessed over them anymore. But, as I was getting home from school yesterday (bearing in mind, I live in England. None of this would have happened for a few hours yet.) I was listening to the black parade. That was the last song I think I heard yesterday because I was too tired to listen to anything else. I practically had dinner, went on tumblr, and then went straight to bed.

I think it's weird. Usually these things happen before something comes to an end. I don't know how to explain it. Like things that happen to me are a sign, and life just follows it. But the way everyone found out just sickens me! These guys saved lives, and near the end they just couldn't care less about it anymore. It's kind of like MCR had massive depression, and then committed suicide. No one could see the signs, and then they just left. They just aren't anymore. Like they were so pressured or something. But, even though there was a teeny paragraph, it's like they didn't leave a note at all. If they did, it's like a da vinci code or something.

I don't know. It's just disappointing. Like, during their depression, we were the ones that were there for them. We were the ones that tried saving them. But they don't really let us know anything. We've devoted our lives to them. We encouraged them to be who they really are. Cue massive break from equally massive note to have dinner and watch tv with my dad, who was so mean about SPN, during a very emotional episode, which, spoiler alert, was when Dean was sent to hell, so excuse you dad. And we get nothing in return.

Even my dad was more supportive than the actual band. Seriously. He came into my room and I said I was sad and explained why, and he said there was a cake for me downstairs and I could have however much I wanted for breakfast. All other members from all other bands have been way more supportive, which sucks my fucking asshole. I mean, come on guys! Give us something! We've been there for you so much.

I'm not trying to be mean to depressed and suicidal people if that's what it sounds like. I mean, this is nothing compared to that. But seriously. We've given them everything, and I'm just so pissed.

I think this is becoming more of a rant about my life now. I mean, all bad things happen during months beginning with M to me. It was when my parents announced their divorce. When I have breakdowns in schools (which happened this week.) and just general shittyness. They just picked the worst possible time to do this, and the worst way to as well.

Now, moving on from this shitty news, I bear/bare/I'm not entirely sure even shittier news. Well, for me anyway. As I mentioned a few seconds ago, I had a breakdown in school this week. I don't know if I mentioned my sister to you guys, not in massive detail anyway, so here it goes: She hates me. She literally can't stand me, and for no reason that I know. Seriously. Apparently for like, two years since she was born, we got along. But, for as long as we both remember, we've hated each other. I don't know why. But now, she just can't be around me. She screams whenever I so much as brush past her. In fact, she whimpers whenever I'm in the same room.

My parents say they've always known, but that is utter shit. They haven't. They knew we never got along, but she picked on me all the time. She carries on picking on me. She used to bite me, she made fun of me in front of my friends, she even said I didn't have any, and at the time it was true. So, instead of naming my friends, I named people in my school. Most of which I couldn't stand myself. They bullied me. I mean, I don't know how it was bullying. It wasn't bad. It was just that I felt picked on. They always put their hands close to my faces when they walked by me and said my name in a mocking tone. I had autism for fucks sake. I didn't even know it, but I couldn't have been normal. I was scared stiff of people. They scared me. They still do. I also had depression which I didn't know about. My parents even made me go to the hospital one time. I remember that day. It was horrible. I was rushed there. They forced me out of my bed, and pushed me into the car, and I was kicking and screaming the whole way there, begging them not to make me go. I was there for hours while these stupid nurses with fake smiles came in and checked on me every once in a while before I was finally let out of the stupid place. It was for kids too, I was the oldest person there. I was rushed into a private room. I hated it. I was crying so much. I still don't forgive them for it.

Back to the point, yesterday, I was in the sensory room at my school, which is basically a room with squidgy shapes for floors and walls, and one of the key workers there was having a chat with me, because I'm off time table for the moment, and she needs too, and she knows about my depression, and she's actually really lovely. I really like her. So, I was talking about my sister to her, and she asked how I coped, and then I couldn't take it. I started crying and told her that I didn't. She had to hug me to calm me down. I hate it so much. So, this is the worst possible time that this band, THE band, could break up. They fucking saved me so many times, and it's crushing me so much. I've been through so much, and they carry on helping me back up. I mean, I know nothing will ever change. The music will still be there. Gerard, Frank, Mikey and Ray will still be there, Bob and Matt will sometimes be there as well. But it will never be the same. I will never feel the same. They won't be the people to welcome me to the black parade. They won't be the people jumping out of my school lockers. They just won't. They'll be the people who stopped everything with 85 measly words.

I know people will be taking this the same, if not worse than I am, but I can't let them go. They fucking can't do this to me. I love them, but I hate them. I'm entitled to be angry at them, and I'm entitled to want them back. Hopefully it'll be a Blink 182, and they will come back. Or a Chris Kendall and they never really broke up. But it won't be the same. I just want them to comfort us. Why do they never think of us? Ugh. I'm so sick of this.

Anyway, I will be here for you guys too. Email me whenever you need. penina.d@hotmail.com Or tweet me @Peninaad, or follow me and ask me stuff on tumblr: welcomehomelucifer (which I've been on post limit since this morning.) It used to be FrankIsMySexGod, but I'm kinda over him. :S I was before all this, but still. I love them with all my heart, but I never knew them. I guess none of us ever will know them. Not the way we pictured them anyway. But, I love and know you, so talk to me whenever you need.

I love you guys. I love you so much. You're the ones that have always been there for me. I LOVE YOU! I can't stress that enough either. I miss you too! :)