Chapter 16: Temari and Ichibi
- Good to see you on such a roll, didn't expect the next chapter so soon. Also, thanks for responding to my questions.
Well this was another excellent smut-chapter, I'm kinda curious when Temari will actually decide to go back, since she COULD 'relax' a bit more with her blond stud before returning to duty. After all, she's free to leave whenever she wants to, and nobody in Suna expects her to be back for quite a while longer.
Regarding the Hokage-thing, I accept the explanation, but it would have been better to have the change when it was made official, because for one thing Jiraiya and even Kakashi would have been available if Tsunade absolutely declined, and on the other side when Tsunade declared herself Godaime she was still in combat, and it wouldn't have been impossible that Orochimaru could have killed her with a lucky blow, in which case whoever becomes Hokage would still be Godaime, not Rokudaime. Until she was sworn in, she would have technically still been merely a candidate.
And I personally was somewhat curious about Fubuki from the movie. Since we never saw her, does she count as a missed character, will she appear in the future, or are there really actual named Naruto-females not available in the book?
A few things about your presentation at the end of the chapters. While with Skills it isn't that bad yet, seeing that the number of skills is overseeable, do you think you might find the time to put a bit of order in the Medal-section (and eventually the Perks)? I mean I see that right now you seem to be listing them in the order he got them, but it looks chaotic. Maybe have some order, like first the Diamond-medal(s), then Platinum, then Gold, Silver and Bronze, followed by those achievements not tagged with with medals? Not sure how those would be ordered, maybe by reward? First those that gave Perk-Points, then those that gave Stat-Points, then those that just gave EXP, maybe in order from most EXP given (Currently 'Have vaginal sex 25 times') to least EXP given (Currently 'Have sex with 3 Genin-ranked Kunoichi'). On the note of Medals, am I guessing it right that 'Blowjob/Vaginal Sex(/Anal Sex?)' is still stacking, meaning that the next reward will be for 50 times, then 100? Seeing that Vaginal Sex was worth more than BJs, I'm kinda wondering how much Naruto will get for 5/10/25/? times anal, considering the difficulty involved in actually reaching those numbers.
Slightly related note, why do I get the feeling that the massage-skill, by then probably upgraded to at least Expert, if not Master, will play a role in bagging Samui?
Next point, the Perks. Considering what happened with Haku, I'm guessing Naruto now has the Shikotsumyako-Perk available, having fought its user. Or he missed it because he left the fight to someone else, though technically Haku was finished off by Kakashi too, so that shouldn't be too big a problem.
The Perks could get ordered too, maybe in a Bloodline-Combat Style-Individual Technique-Other order. Not sure how sub-ordering would work, alphabetical maybe?
Anyways, original point about the Perks, I wanted to say something about the Mokuton, and suggest a few alterations. First, you might want to go down the Perk-list and alter the Perk to be 'Mokuton' rather than 'Moukton'. Oh, and Minato's jutsu was the 'Hiraishin', not the Hirashin. Also, considering the effort it took to get the Eien Mangekyo, and considering the fact that Hashirama's Mokuton beat it, twice, you might want to change Naruto's Perk to 'Mokuton Version 1', giving Naruto abilities like Yamato's rather than Hashirama's, and put a few more requirements, like banging a Senju, maybe a revived Senju Toka, learning/mastering Sage-Mode (which he should only be able to learn under the Toads), and some stat- and skill-requirements, as conditions for 'Mokuton Version 2'.
On that note, seeing the damage both the Rin'negan and the Eien Mangekyo can do, I can't help but feel that maybe, just maybe, you should have put some more caps and limits on their requirements rather than give Naruto full access with having to meet only such few requirements. I mean, I don't see much that could resist the Rin'negan Meteor-bash, or the Perfect Susanoo. Heck, five Kage wasn't enough against the Perfect Susanoo!
You know, with the way you wrote the story, you wouldn't even have to rewrite anything to integrate such changes, you could simply have them come as another Upgrade, one that Naruto may be a little less happy about, but will just have to accept.
And again it's become a long review. This is somewhat unintentional, but since I'm an author myself, albeit on a different page, I personally feel that longer reviews, where the reader actually shares his feelings, thoughts and expectations, are often better for an author than those short ones where they essentially just tell you 'Good Job'. I think I'll end it here, before it becomes even longer. All that's left to say is good chapter, and I hope you'll update soon.
- This chapter is good but there are a few discrepencies for the Sand Sirens medal you put Sand Princesses in the paragraph after it and when Naruto increases his Massage skills it says:
Seventy-two points left, Naruto skimmed through the skills and spotted one. It wasn’t one for him, but rather for the girls. Naruto poured eighty points into it.
It just takes a bit from the story with really tiny errors like this because it gets confusing understandable why you missed it though.
Author's responseAgain, it's a lot of math and I tend not to think sometimes. I think with that one I meant to put 'he brought it up to eighty points.'
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