I looked through the rain covered window of my bedroom. The outside world was once exciting and thrilling for me but now everything is dull and painful. Everywhere I look I think of him. Everything I do I think of him. Even when I breath I think of him. He took my heart and snapped it into a million tiny shards so that nothing could ever fix it.
And no one would ever try.
I looked at the old tree outside of my house thinking about when we where children, how we use to play around that tree. He'd always end up on the floor with me tickling him, while his brother, Mikey, watched with a grin on his face.
I sighed and picked up my guitar needing some form of release. I tried to play it but I just couldn't. Every time I played a chord it was like he had just ripped out my heart again and trod on it. So I didn't play. I just looked at my brilliant white guitar.
I remember him saving up for ages to by an amp and a guitar of his own, then we'd pretend like we where in a rock band. He'd shout out to the crowd as we started to play a few chords. Mikey was on bass. A guy call Ray was on lead guitar, I was on rhythm guitar, our friend Bob was on drums and he was the lead singer. I remember his screaming into that mic,
"Thank you and goodnight New Jersey!"
His passion made me want to kiss him. That's why his death made everything so much more difficult.
I thought he was fine. Everyone did. He was 18 of course he was going to get into booze, everyone did. But not to the extreme that he did.
I remember finding him passed out in his own sick with his trousers down his ankles. I never once looked at his manhood, I wanted to wait to see if he'd show me without booze, because frankly I wouldn't mind.
I remember every drunken night that I held his hair back, I remember holding him as he cried himself to sleep. But still I didn't question him. Or ask him what was wrong.
How stupid of me.
I sat staring at the guitar.
"Pansy, you should call her Pansy!"
"Seriously why would you even-"
"Because it's a pretty flower, like you,"
I smiled at the forgotten complement wishing I could go back in time and tell him how I felt. I had a crush on a boy and fallen in love with a man. How I hated him for it. I was almost pleading him to stop making out with every boyfriend he ever had in front of me. I hated the way they'd feel him up in every club we went to. I hated them because I was jealous it wasn't me.
Again I scanned the guitar, hoping it would change time suddenly and bring him back. The man I loved. I flipped over the guitar and almost whimpered at the sight of a scratch mark on the back. But then I noticed it was writing
Frankie, under the big tree there is something buried, please find it or I won't ever forgive myself - G xoxo
I ran outside and just began digging with my hands till they became filthy with mud and bloody from me pushing them into the earth so harshly. But I found something. A DVD. I went into my bedroom and put the DVD into the player.
A pale man was on screen. He had bright hazel eyes, raven coloured hair and cheek bones to die for. He smiled sadly at the camera.
*"Frankie, I need you to do something for me, after I'm gone, I need you to keep believing. In everything you do, everything you say because you are an amazing person and I've always believed that so should you. you don't need me there to pull you down anymore, that's why I had to do this Frankie. I didn't want to pull everyone down with me. Especially not you. You never knew it Frankie but I loved you. I loved you so much that it hurt. My heart would crack just a little bit more every time you did that sweet little smile of yours, I bet you're doing it now right?"
He wasn't wrong. I was smiling but I also had an identical tear to him, rolling down my cheek. He carried on though.
"Frank, I honestly wanted to marry you one day, maybe adopt children have a family, a real life. But then I realise I wasn't worth your time, I knew that I'd never be good enough for you. Hence why I became so depressed. I started drinking as you know, but what you didn't know about was the drugs, the sex, the money, anything that really affected me like that because I never wanted you to know. I still don't want you to know. Which I why I'm not telling you,"
He smiled then and I could never forget that heart aching smile. His final smile.
"So now the hard part. This is after all a good bye Frankie, you might not even see it, but if you do, don't feel guilty and remember me when the crowd is cheering your name in every city of the world. I'll always be looking up at you from hell and when you go, I'll visit heaven and fake like I'm an angel just to tell you in person that I love you and have done ever since I saw you."
The DVD stopped and I started sobbing.
(Ten years later)
My heart was thumping so loud I thought the crowd might be able to here it. Thankfully they couldn't as I spoke into the mic.
"Today is April the 9th and today it's my best friends birthday so I want you all to sing happy birthday!"
As the crowd sang happy birthday at me I was sure I could see him at the side of the stage, with his shoulder length midnight hair and pale skin. I smiled and heard one member of the crowd shout out,
"So what's there name?!"
I smiled and replied.
"Gerard, Gerard Way,"
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