Categories > Original > Fantasy > Dark Worlds
Reviews
Dark Worlds
(#) sylphstarwind 2006-08-24
I'd like to give you some advice. First, I don't know if you know about "Mary Sue" stories, but this is one of them. Usually, those aren't highly respected, and people aren't too interested in them. Second thing is, try to use more commas and the like, to separate your sentences better. And you should separate your paragraphs more, especially when a different person is talking (so you talk, then when Axel's talking, you make a new paragraph, etc). I saw some errors, too, like "And with that he despaired into the darkness living me alone to discover a new world," which I think it should be "disappeared" (unless he is actually "losing all hope" into the darkness), and it should be "leaving" instead of "living". It might be nice to have a comma after "with that" and "into the darkness," too. I hope that helps you. I'm really not trying to bash your story or anything, but rather, trying to help you get more reads and reviews for this story (since you have none besides mine so far), and/or help you with your future stories. The idea of Axel as a vampire would probably be interesting to fans, but not when it's you with that vampire Axel. Good luck.
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