FicWad

Scars covered her pale skin, hiding under the shirts, pants, clothing she wore everyday. Nobody saw the pain that hid behind her eyes, the force she was putting into faking that smile. She fought to see every "tomorrow", fought to keep the pain, numbness under control. She wanted to feel what it was like to go a single day without a single throught of suicide passing through her mind.

She wished she could be normal, just another teenager. Not who she was; a teenage girl who self harmed, thought of suicide every day, and hated herself with a passion. She was considered a freak to nearly everyone who laid eyes on her. It was an evident thing, for they made sure to make their opinions known whenever she passed them by. She would merely look down, fight back a sigh and continue walking like she had never heard such an insult pass lips.

"You know this is all you're going to live up to. A freak, an emo, depressing suicidal freak." One sentence, she heard only once; yet she repeated it to herself constantly, her mind reminding herself of what everyone looked at her like. What they honestly thought of her.

They hid this behind the "oh you're perfect" and "you are so beautiful"'s. They lied, making themselves seem like amazing people for "complimenting her beauty"

"Well, if I'm so beautiful, why do you all think I'm some freak? Why do I not agree? If I'm so perfect, then why is everything I do some mistake?"

These questions leaving those around her totally dumbfounded, unknowing how to answer, they sat in silence. Giving her a look, a look that dug deep, a look that would remind you of someone reading your mind. Knowing every thought you where thinking, every thought that passed through your mind, anything you've seen, heard, expirienced; all of this now being their knowledge.
Or so she hoped, she wished someone would care enough to come up and ask her "what's wrong" and mean it. Not because they feel the need to rant about their life, but because they actually care about her well being.

This of course never happened, anyone who seemed to care, or actually did care somehow left her life. Through suicide, a change in attitute and friends, or just plain turned their backs; this didn't bother the girl, because well she accepted that nothing lasts forever.
Nothing ever does, nothing ever will.
Life sucks, as so many have decided to put it.

The girl felt this, quite regularly. This feeling pushing her into such an amount of pain, that she didn't feel anything, only a numb feeling. A numbness from the tidal wave of emotions that could flood over her if she let them. Except she knew for a fact, that if she let these emotions loose; that they would only drive her to an early grave. This early grave coming closer, step by step, day by day.

It happened only once, that these emotions broke down the walls that she had so carefully built. This night, proving to be the worst that she would ever have faced.

Emotions of fear, pain, sorrow, anger, regret all came crashing in. Tears soaked everything around her as she let it all lose. None of this was worth the fight, no matter how fast life could turn around for her, no matter what she had to lose, no matter who would be hurt by her suicide. Nothing was worth living with such pain she believed.
That night was her last decision, a yes or no kind of ordeal. A life or death decision that all fell back on a worn out, pained mind. She had given up many times before, but this was serious. She had a bottle of pills laying in front of her, in her palm as she rolled it around, listening to the sounds that the contents made as it was shook.

This sound soothing her, causing her to take a breath, click open the cap and pour a pile into her other palm. This pile being pushed into her mouth, down her throat and into her system. She was killing herself handful by handful. Distancing herself from the pain that had been plauging her for years, by each caplet she swallowed.

Regrets began flooding in, as her stomach refused the amount of medication that it was dealing with. Her whole stomach area began to tie itself into knots, causing the girl to double over in pain, causing tears of pure phsyical pain to fill her eyes.

"No, I wish I hadn't done this. I don't want to die, I want a second chance, please don't let me die tonight."

Her hands shook, as she closed her tired eyes. The realism that she might die in the next few hours hit her hard, as she suddenly began to think of all the things she hadn't done, all the people who she had to live for.
She begged, pleaded to whoever was listening for a second chance at life, she didn't want to be invisible for the rest of her life. She wanted to make a mark in her town, she didn't want to be labeled as "the girl who killed herself".

She lay in her bed, deep breaths of air filling her lungs as she attempted to calm herself down, she no longer wanted it to end like this. She just realized what there was to live for. Closing her tired eyes the girl whispered a soft goodbye; hoping this would not be her last.

As regret filled dreams fogged the girls thoughts, she slept for hours. Hoping she would wake up, still living.

Her wishes, pleads, and begs where answered when only a few hours later she was jolted awake by a strong wave of nausea that filled her being.
Smiling as she dispelled the contents of her stomach she couldn't help but laugh. A laugh of pleasure, greatfullness, a smile spread across her face as she lay back on her bathroom floor, eyes closing once more.

"Life isn't worth sitting around waiting for death, you shouldn't have to be at the line of living and dying to realize it. You should live your life while you have it, not try and cut it short."

The girl never seen how bad suicide could get, how real it really was. This girl is still suffering with great amounts of pain, but she's sure as hell never going to put herself through that.
She scared the shit out of herself on this one, this attempt that nearly took her life; she wishes she wasn't so shy in asking for help.

She never really realized how greatful she is for everything she has.