FicWad

“Fuck it all.
If I can choose my own last words, I chose these,
For the lovers, the fighters, for false hopes and the dying glory,
Take me down in flames, bury calloused fingers and let me sleep.

But, young warrior, you cannot make such a choice,
It is your destiny, you must protect –

I stopped listening to your bullshit,
And this is everything,
The words I didn’t want to spit,
But fuck you, him, her, fuck you all.

My eyes close, open, close, open,
I blink like a mechanical toy,
A doll to be used, abused,
I wonder if my thoughts are my own,
Are you force-feeding them to me?

Scribble, scribble, scribble,
I crossed out all my words,
I burnt the note,
Never slit my throat,
Didn’t swallow the pills,
I did no harm,
And tomorrow,
Tomorrow,
Tomorrow, I’ll
I’ll fake a smile,
It’ll be worth the while,
You won’t see past it,
Why don’t you see past it?

“Your scars are fading? So, you’re forgetting? Getting better now?”
I almost laughed,
Better?
Better?
Better?
BETTER?!
You think this is better?!
Do I look like I’m okay?
Quick, fake a smile,
Thumbs up,
Cover up your fuck ups with makeup,
But maybe, maybe it’s not enough.

I’m not okay.
Not okay.
Okay?!
But... there’s no point in telling you this when the words fly away,
Fly away like butterflies when I try to explain,
I want to rip off my skin,
Everyone is more beautiful on the inside, so they say,
So, let me pull out my insides, let’s see,
Because look at me, look at me, I’m a mess,
I’m not any better, I don’t know if I’m worse,
If I keep on smiling, laughing, lying,
No one will notice that on the inside, I’m crying,
And I wonder why everyone around me is dying,
Because it’s for everyone else that I’m trying.
Selfish, suicidal slut,
A freak for the show,
Turn up with your widest smile,
“Ladies and gentlemen, look at the whore!”
And still, they want more,
What did you expect from me?
Ladies first, gentlemen after,
And I’m stuck somewhere in between,
What do you want from me? What do you want?
Because I can’t keep on like this,” I scream.