the truth is slipping into the light. Party...what are you doing?
What the fuck just happen? I wonder to myself watching Ghoul jump over my still heavily sleeping brother as he follows after Jet like a lost puppy. Ghoul’s running away from me…this makes my heart hurt something chronic. What did I do? One second he was here now he’s gone, left nothing but the ghost of his lips that were just before moving with mine. I feel a surge of jealousy bubble in my gut at the thought of Ghoul running after Jet. Am I not good enough for him? What as Jet got that I don’t? I wanna scream. I wanna shoot Jet and make Ghoul watch! Then who would he run to? Not Jet that’s for sure. I feel my sanity dip down into the dark as I quietly giggle at the thought of blowing my friends brains out across the desert sand.
I clench my hands together tightly and fidget where I sit as I picture the tears running down Ghouls precious cheeks as he kneels in the sand with the spray of Jets blood across his form after I shot him two times in the back of the head. Jet Star’s blood would stain the sand and I would be laughing like a maniac. I let this image settle in my mind but I slowly begin to feel the painful feeling of been ashamed and guilty as I realize I’m smiling about killing my friend. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I just want Ghoul to myself. Is that so much to ask? It was dumb of me to think anyone would love me anyway. I shake my head violently from side to side as the voices in my head whisper their cruel taunts ‘stupid Party stupid’, they spin around me like circling sharks ready to bite away at my flesh.
I just want Ghouls warm lips back on mine. I want to hold him close and just breathe him in. the voices are quiet when I’m with him. I turn to my empty bottle in the hope that a few of the precious alcoholic liquid may drip onto my tongue and numb my brain like it has for the past week. Sadly there is none left. I throw the bottle suddenly and viciously over the fire and stand up. I kick the sand around me and tear at my red hair as I struggle to breathe.
I FUCKING NEED TO ESCAPE!
I dash over to my back pack, dropping my knees into the sand, and dig deep into the contents. I feel the cool glass brush my fingertips and a sickening smile spreads across my face. ‘Bingo.’ I grip the neck of the bottle and tug it out. The water like liquid shines in the sun and the glass reflects makeshift rainbows. I cling to the bottle like it was my life support, and in a way it is. I unscrew the cap desperately and guzzle the burning drink. The strong buzz and warm feeling engulfs my body as it stings my throat. I gulp down a quarter of the large bottle with no care for anything as long as I get the alcohol I need into me fast. Drops dribble out of the corners of my mouth and I feel the cooling liquid run down the skin of my neck.
I gasp for air then wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. I feel slightly better as the voices fade into white noise behind me. I reach back into my personal bag and feel around for my second key for escape. I knew they would be safe here because I never let anyone else touch my bag. It was personal and privet, I was the only one allowed to go through it. We all have our own privet bags. They usually hold keepsakes or clothing, the things we want to keep safe and with us all the times.
I find what I’m looking for and clench onto it tightly as I pull it into the day light. I smile at the small pill bottle with the BL/ind logo smiling right back at me. If the others knew they would throw me in as a trader. But they don’t understand that I need these. They make me feel better. They help me.
I pop the cap then swallow a mouthful of the small white oval shaped pills. I wash it down with another swig of vodka then sigh pleasantly as I glance over my shoulder. Kobra is still sleeping away without a care in the world. luckily for me he has no awoken a caught me doing what I am. I’d hate for him to see me like this. I feel tears fill my eyes as I think about how much my brother would hate me if he knew what I have been doing. To tell the truth I don’t even know what I’m doing half the time. I’ve been high or drunk for the majority of the time for the last week or so. But these are my shield against the monsters inside my head. I need them. I do. I can’t and WON’T let them take my shields away, never.
I drink deeply from the bottle before I tightly screw the lid back on. I go to shove my supplies back into my bag but after stuffing the bottle of vodka safety wrapped in a shirt I look down at the pills thinking about it for a moment. I decide to keep them on me. I swiftly slip them into my pocket, just in case I need more of them later. I zip up my bag and stagger over to the almost dead fire. No one was feeding it to keep the flames alive and now it’s almost burnt out. I sigh heavily then crash back down to my knees as the alcohol takes its effect on my system. I’m not sure how I manage it but I move the cooked meat out of the few remaining flames to stop it from burning. I sit it to the side on a pile of plates that Ghoul must have gotten out before.
I wanna cry at the thought of Ghoul. I want him all to myself. But do I really? He’s a friend…right? I don’t want him sexually do I? If I don’t then why did I kiss him? Maybe I’m just horny? I Haven’t has sex for a long time. That’s the reason why I pulled a move on ghoul…right? Or maybe the truth is I want Ghoul to be something more? But what if he doesn’t want me like that? But then why did he kiss me back? He was probably just as confused. He’s just as sex deprived as me…as far as I know. Maybe we could…experiment. Just to relive a bit of the sexual tension. I mean he did kiss me back. He did kiss me back right? Before he ran after Jet like a fucking whore. What if Jet and Ghoul are more than friends? What if I was too late and Jet got into his pants first? That’s not fair! I wanna be the only one in Ghouls pants. I wanna feel his ass in my hands and thrust into him over and over. I wanna devour his pretty little mouth. I wanna do such dirty things to those perfect lips of his. But Jet has him wrapped around his little finger. Jet probably is only doing this to get at me, he doesn’t care about Ghoul like I do. No one could ever care as deeply for that man as me. They are probably hooking up right now and laughing at how stupid I am. Jet’s turning Ghoul against me!
I grit my teeth and watch the world spin around me. Ghouls mine. Even if I have to beat that information into him he will soon know who his real master is. I’ll fucking kill Jet if he tries to steal my Ghoul from me. I grumble and grind my jaw. I’m pissed off now. I can’t fucking trust anyone! Not Ghoul, not yet, not with Jet brain washing him with lies about me. I can just see Jet with his full lips in close to my Ghouls ears, whispering filthy dirty little lies about me. I can’t trust Jet, the fucking back stabber. I Look to my side and see my sweet little baby brother still softly sleeping the day away. He deserves sleep tho, he looked so exhausted yesterday.
I crawl over to his sleeping form on my hands and knees since I can’t even trust my own fucking legs to hold me up right now. Once I’m by Kobra’s side I nudge his shoulder gently and he slowly stirs awake. He looks up at me so innocently with a questioning look on his face. I smile softly down at him as he sits up. He’s eyes are bright and shining with a light behind them that burns strong but you can see around the edges the pain. I don’t want him to suffer. I wrap my arms around my baby brother and hold him close. I want to protect him but how can I when he’s the one keeping me together?