Categories > Comics > Batman0 Reviews
In Gotham City, a rather unique fight is occuring. And as Stephanie Brown explains to Roxy Spaulding, it involves a certain MAry Sue Villian.
The skies over Gotham City were unusually sunny this day, but given the general gloomy look of Gotham City it was rather a welcome change. The crimes that occurred that day were standard fare- a few random muggings, an embezzlement scheme formed, Batman effectively stopping The Penguin from obtaining rare jade crane statues, but the focus of this story is not on Batman. No, it’s on a local gym and the person sitting outside the doors of said gym.
Stephanie Brown, a.k.a Spoiler, leaned back in her lawn chair, casually flipping through the pages of her history text book. While the wooden doors of the Gotham Saints Gym were closed tight, one could very easily hear the sounds of the crowd roaring and combat emanating from within. As her eyes scanned the text and she memorized details of the New Deal, towards her walked Roxxane ‘Roxy’ Spaulding, noted superhero and member of Gen13. The young woman held up a ticket as she said “Hey, I got an invitation to come and fight here. Is there a martial arts tournament or something going on, ‘cause that’s more like Grunge’s thing.”
“Well, not really,” Stephanie said as she put her book down, “but it could be considered that. It’s kind of a lottery actually.”
A sudden, dull thud was heard as Roxy replied “Lottery, eh? What’s the prize? And please tell me it’s not pudding or anything like that.”
“You entered a lottery where the prize was pudding?”
“Once. I don’t like talking about it.”
“Gotcha. Well, remember a month ago, when all the major super heroes banded together and freed New Port City?”
“Hell, I was there when it all went down!” Roxy laughed. “The local police force was a joke, and it took us less than half a day to restore some semblance of order.”
“Yeah, well turns out that the person who was in charge of the city, Bomb Queen…”
“Ah yes, the uber skank.” Roxy mused.
“Yup, her, she apparently made some sort of plea deal with the government and the other heroes. She boasted that she could take on any super hero or villain and beat them. So they took her up on her offer. For every person she beats, she gets 10 years off her sentence.”
“Interesting odds. And her sentence was…”
“700 years and counting.” Stephanie informed her. The ground shook as Stephanie continued “Right now, she’s taking on Wonder Woman.”
“How’s it going?” Roxy curiously asked. Stephanie opened the door to peek in as she said “Not so good for her.” A loud snapping sound pierced the air as she winced and informed Roxy “I can tell you right now knees were not meant to bend that way.”
The panicked screams of Bomb Queen filled the air as she yelled out “Wait wait, that's my rib--OH GOD, YOU RIPPED MY RIB OUT!!” Roxy held her hand to her mouth, whispering “I have a feeling this will probably get worse for her as this goes on.”
“Oh, you should have seen what else happened to her!” Stephanie recounted as she held up her hand and started counting off. “Black Canary powerbombed her and smashed her fists repeatedly into her face for a good 8 minutes, Huntress used her as target practice for her arrows, Catwoman whipped her literally like she was a government mule before clawing her eyes out, Starfire…wow. Ever hear of the Izuna Drop?”
“Yeah, that’s when you grab the opponent, jump really high and drop them on their neck as you land. Grunge is a HUGE Ninja Gaiden nut.” Roxy explained.
“Now imagine doing that from a mile high.” Stephanie finished.
“Oh, and that’s just the start. You should have seen X-23 go to town on her. Jean Grey was the most creative though, using telekinesis to spin her around while using fire to roast her. No wonder no one from the X-Men ever pisses her off. She-Hulk though, never though I’d see a Quadruple Power Bomb into a Burning Hammer.”
“Ouch How is she even still alive?” asked Roxy.
“Apparently she’s got a healing factor. It’s not as good as, say, Wolverine’s or Deadpool’s but it’s the only thing really saving her actually.”
Wonder Woman’s voice interrupted their conversation as the Justice League member said “I call this the Amazonian Neckbuster!” Seconds later, the ground would shake violently as Roxy whilsted and proclaimed “Man, she can really get some height. Hey wait a second, I heard she had some demonic powers, or a demon helping her out, something like that.”
“Yes, she HAD a demon.” Stephanie held up an axe, which had a streak of blood on it’s sharp blade. Seconds later, a certain girl clad in black shinigami clothes wielding a pure white blade walked out of the gym. “We emphasize on the word ‘had’” Rukia smiled as she left the area.
“I can’t believe she actually went through with it.” Roxy laughed.
“Well, she is unbelievably full of herself …”
The sounds of something sharp tearing through flesh stooped her midsentence as Bomb Queen screamed “OH GOD YOU HIT MY PANCREAS!!”
“…and let’s be honest, we ALL were getting tired of her crap. Seriously, did you see what she put those people through in that city? And not only did she organize terrorist attacks against all other cities in the US, she practically tries to punk us. I think Batman said it best…”
“Let me guess, something quaintly heroic like ‘evil must never be allowed to prosper’ or something like that?”
“No, he just said ‘That bitch needs to GO!’ A lot of people did not argue with that one.”
“And for once, I agree with Bats!!” The voice belonged to one Harley Quinn, who had joined the two in observing the action within, who was accompanied by Jubilee, wearing a large yellow jacket, a hood covering her head. “Too bad Red couldn’t make it. She’s have LOVED to introduce the walking Mary Sue to some of her more exotic plants from the Balkans.”
“I CAN’T FEEL MY AORTA!!!”
“I didn’t know you could beat someone with their own rib like that. I gotta give it a try.” Jubilee smiled. Harley rolled her eyes and said “Jubes, one of these days, I hope that Blade guy gives you that vampire serum that makes ya half and half, because the bloodlusting side of you scares me silly.”
“So, when can I get in on this action?” Roxy asked Stephanie. “Well, it’s a lottery system, so when your number is called, you get a shot.” Stephanie casually replied as she pulled pot a roll of tickets, “but it may take a while.”
The sounds of stone breaking filled their ears as Deadpool yelled out “Holy CRAP!! SHE FREAKING LAUNCHED HER LIKE A LAWN DART!! Someone get a squeegee out here!”
“It always looks funnier in cartons than in real life.” Harley sighed.
“I know your sister and Rainmaker are in there, and we’ll see Black Widow and Ms. Marvel soon. But honestly, I doubt any of us could top what she is doing to her right now.” Stephanie gulped as suddenly, a loud sonic boom like noise shook the building to the very foundation.
“MY BLOOD!! YOU PUNCHED OUT ALL MY BLOOD!!”
“..I’m next don’t even try to stop me.” Jubilee growled low as her eyes turned red.
“Ok, sure. Wouldn’t dream of trying to stop you.” Stephanie nervously nodded as she turned to Harley and asked “You wouldn’t happen to know any Belmonts would you?”