Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Let's Try That Again, Shall We?
Chapter 58: Slytherin's Monster, Part II
At 9:03 AM, Erasmus Eeles walked into the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey bustled out of her office.
"Well, that's a relief. Did Albus send you here?"
"What? No, I came here on my own. I didn't see anyone along the way."
"They are supposed to be looking for you. Just a moment."
Madam Pomfrey cast several spells in quick succession. He laughed.
"Good thinking. I'm really me though. No polyjuice, no glamours, no metamorphing or whatever."
"Are you hurt?"
"Not that I can tell. But I woke up a few minutes ago in the corner of an empty classroom, and the last thing I remember before that was talking to Albus' patronus last night. I regard lost time as a very bad sign." Madam Pomfrey nodded. "From the sounds of students going about their business, I deduced that there was no ongoing emergency. Consequently I felt justified in coming straight here."
Madam Pomfrey had wasted no time, and started in on diagnostic spells even as Eeles was talking. "Well," she said, "everyone still thinks you're missing, and Fawkes chased the basilisk into the lake, but close enough. You're covered in magical residue."
She spent another minute casting spells, then pointed to the closest bed that could be curtained off.
"Get over there," she said.
"It might be the armor."
"We'll see about that. Strip." She drew the curtains closed.
Erasmus plopped his hat and gloves down on a little cart near the bed, and his outer robes on a chair. This revealed one of the more impressive suits of dragonhide armor Poppy had ever seen. Eeles, told to patrol the halls, did not mess around. Off came his boots, and off came his armor, revealing ordinary (for Eeles, at least) clothes underneath.
"Aren't you hot going around in all that?"
"Cooling charms. Anyway, the armor's off."
She waved her wand a few times. "Sorry, it's not the armor. I'd ask what part of 'Strip' you didn't understand, but obviously it was the part that involved removing any regular clothes at all."
"Fine, fine."
She waited, practically tapping her foot with impatience as Eeles stripped down to underwear and socks.
She rolled her eyes. "That will do for now. Get on the bed. Right." She worked in silence for a minute.
"You are absolutely covered in discrete spots of magical residue. And that's just the skin I can see without moving you. Don't go anywhere. I'll be back in a moment."
She returned, pulling the curtain closed behind her again. "I had Albus cancel your classes for the day. He was extremely relieved to hear you had been found. I believe by that he meant 'found alive'. I suspect whatever happened, he thinks you are lucky."
She passed her wand over him again. "Well, we have to begin somewhere. Do you have any idea why your legs are covered in spots of magic that I cannot identify?"
"No?"
"Well, it's fairly evenly distributed. So, do they feel unusual?"
"My legs? No . . ."
"Fine. Do you see anything unusual?"
Eeles sat up and stared at his legs. "Could you point to what you're seeing?"
"There, there, there, there, there. I can go on."
"Huh. Leech scars."
"Scars from leech bites? I don't see any scars on your legs at all."
"Yes, I mean the scars that aren't there. They made a good story, too, but it wasn't any fun getting them. Huh."
"Alright, that makes no sense at all. Off with the socks . . . Good. Left pinky toe," she said, pointing.
"Stepped on by a hippogriff when I was eight."
"Nothing wrong with it now. Was it crooked?"
"Maybe a little? What the hell — did something leave me unconscious and heal random things?"
"I prefer not to jump to conclusions . . . Fascinating. I think I had better be taking notes. Just a moment."
She returned several seconds later with a clipboard.
Eeles laughed. "You look soo much more professional now."
"Don't I, though? Terrifies some children. I can't imagine why. They can't all have had traumatic experiences with clipboards before coming to Hogwarts. Left hand . . . no, your hands are a mess. So are your arms . . . were there scars all over them?"
"Right," said Eeles, who had been scrutinizing them. "There are a really surprising number of thorn bushes in the world, you know, and I don't always wear armor."
"What about that big thing there?" she asked, indicating an unusually long line down his arm.
"Great aunt's kneazle."
"Looks about right," she said, scribbling notes on his chart.
"Are we going to go over every inch of my body?"
"Yes."
"Do you really think that's necessary?"
"Yes. Wait — that sounded like a sincere question. Huh. Sorry, I'm not used to patients who don't turn into complete morons as soon as they walk in my door." She shook her head. "How to put this. Right now I am trying to get as much information as I can about your condition without assuming I know how it all fits together, or which pieces of information will turn out to be important."
She waved her wand over his beard several times. "This process is made much easier in your case by the fact that I haven't the murkiest of notions what in Merlin's name could possibly have happened to you."
"At least you're honest."
"Why, thank you. Did you cut yourself shaving a lot before growing a beard?"
"Yes."
"Good. What? It resolves that area." She went up and down his torso, then made him roll over, continuing with a litany of minor scars.
"You know," said Eeles, conversationally, "except for that toe, I'm right pissed off at whoever or whatever did this to me. There were some good stories to go with those scars. I earned them!"
"I'm sure you did. I'm not disagreeing. We're going to check your vision and hearing later. Open your mouth. Oh." She paused. "I have no idea what's going on there, but you seem to have very healthy gums right now. Innterresting . . ."
"That's never good, is it."
"There's still a filling in one of your molars." She moved on.
"Huh," said Erasmus. "Hm. Right, magic on my ears and eyes might be spells I had active when I was patrolling."
"Alright, then, let's have you cancel them." She handed Eeles his wand from a bedside table. He tapped it to his forehead and each ears, silently canceling spells.
"Let's see . . .," she said. "Nope. That's not it. I'm going to move on to your internal organs."
About five minutes later, she spoke up again. "This is much harder. At least with scars you can tell me what it looked like before, and if we absolutely had to, we could go use Albus' penseive. But I don't suppose you were ever aware of anything being wrong with your gall bladder, were you?"
"I'm not really sure what that is. So, does this mean I'm the weirdest case you've ever seen?"
She snorted. "Hardly. I get asked that all the time. First time a student gets in a potions accident and gets a few purple bumps, they think nothing like it has ever happened before. But if I tell them anything at all to disabuse them of that notion, that just means they'll go out of their way to come back to me the next time with feathers and antlers. Feathers! Do you know how easy it is to accidentally grow feathers?"
"Er, no?"
"Well, as it turns out, I see it all the time. Severus sets his students up to get in accidents that will annoy me, and he looooves feathers."
"Oh, that's priceless!" Eeles laughed, then abruptly stopped. "Hey — you're trying to distract me from something, aren't you?"
"Actually, no. Potions accidents really do cause feathers on a regular basis around here, and I really am convinced Severus arranges it on purpose. Alright, I've gone over most of you. Off with the underpants."
"Er, isn't there something about being co-workers or something? I don't want to violate any policies no one told me about."
"Oh, do get over yourself. I've seen thousands of penises, and I'm sure there's nothing special about yours. Off. I'd do it myself but I'm avoiding touching you for now. Do I need to banish them?"
Eeles shrugged and did as requested, then waited several minutes while Poppy waved her wand at his crotch. Looking at her expression off intense concentration was too weird; he looked away. After several more minutes, he couldn't stand it anymore.
"What is it?" he asked.
"Magical residue throughout the area. It's a little different than elsewhere. You didn't have anything dramatically wrong down here before, did you?"
"Not that I know of. Uh, hang on, let me look . . . It looks the same as before, as far as I can tell."
"Huh." She took down several notes, then left for a moment, returning with a stack of books. Eeles, lying there naked, took it all in with a look of dismay.
"Um, before you start . . . whatever it is you are about to do with all that, is there any chance I could get breakfast?"
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Author's notes:
Remember that Ficwad sometimes sends out update alerts every time you fix a typo. I am not the kind of Ficwad power-user who can achieve success in one post — sorry about that. Also I really hate formatting. I post on ao3 and fanfiction dot net, which each have increasingly more difficult formatting requirements, which is why Ficwad will remain the first place I post updates and the "authoritative" version.
At 9:03 AM, Erasmus Eeles walked into the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey bustled out of her office.
"Well, that's a relief. Did Albus send you here?"
"What? No, I came here on my own. I didn't see anyone along the way."
"They are supposed to be looking for you. Just a moment."
Madam Pomfrey cast several spells in quick succession. He laughed.
"Good thinking. I'm really me though. No polyjuice, no glamours, no metamorphing or whatever."
"Are you hurt?"
"Not that I can tell. But I woke up a few minutes ago in the corner of an empty classroom, and the last thing I remember before that was talking to Albus' patronus last night. I regard lost time as a very bad sign." Madam Pomfrey nodded. "From the sounds of students going about their business, I deduced that there was no ongoing emergency. Consequently I felt justified in coming straight here."
Madam Pomfrey had wasted no time, and started in on diagnostic spells even as Eeles was talking. "Well," she said, "everyone still thinks you're missing, and Fawkes chased the basilisk into the lake, but close enough. You're covered in magical residue."
She spent another minute casting spells, then pointed to the closest bed that could be curtained off.
"Get over there," she said.
"It might be the armor."
"We'll see about that. Strip." She drew the curtains closed.
Erasmus plopped his hat and gloves down on a little cart near the bed, and his outer robes on a chair. This revealed one of the more impressive suits of dragonhide armor Poppy had ever seen. Eeles, told to patrol the halls, did not mess around. Off came his boots, and off came his armor, revealing ordinary (for Eeles, at least) clothes underneath.
"Aren't you hot going around in all that?"
"Cooling charms. Anyway, the armor's off."
She waved her wand a few times. "Sorry, it's not the armor. I'd ask what part of 'Strip' you didn't understand, but obviously it was the part that involved removing any regular clothes at all."
"Fine, fine."
She waited, practically tapping her foot with impatience as Eeles stripped down to underwear and socks.
She rolled her eyes. "That will do for now. Get on the bed. Right." She worked in silence for a minute.
"You are absolutely covered in discrete spots of magical residue. And that's just the skin I can see without moving you. Don't go anywhere. I'll be back in a moment."
She returned, pulling the curtain closed behind her again. "I had Albus cancel your classes for the day. He was extremely relieved to hear you had been found. I believe by that he meant 'found alive'. I suspect whatever happened, he thinks you are lucky."
She passed her wand over him again. "Well, we have to begin somewhere. Do you have any idea why your legs are covered in spots of magic that I cannot identify?"
"No?"
"Well, it's fairly evenly distributed. So, do they feel unusual?"
"My legs? No . . ."
"Fine. Do you see anything unusual?"
Eeles sat up and stared at his legs. "Could you point to what you're seeing?"
"There, there, there, there, there. I can go on."
"Huh. Leech scars."
"Scars from leech bites? I don't see any scars on your legs at all."
"Yes, I mean the scars that aren't there. They made a good story, too, but it wasn't any fun getting them. Huh."
"Alright, that makes no sense at all. Off with the socks . . . Good. Left pinky toe," she said, pointing.
"Stepped on by a hippogriff when I was eight."
"Nothing wrong with it now. Was it crooked?"
"Maybe a little? What the hell — did something leave me unconscious and heal random things?"
"I prefer not to jump to conclusions . . . Fascinating. I think I had better be taking notes. Just a moment."
She returned several seconds later with a clipboard.
Eeles laughed. "You look soo much more professional now."
"Don't I, though? Terrifies some children. I can't imagine why. They can't all have had traumatic experiences with clipboards before coming to Hogwarts. Left hand . . . no, your hands are a mess. So are your arms . . . were there scars all over them?"
"Right," said Eeles, who had been scrutinizing them. "There are a really surprising number of thorn bushes in the world, you know, and I don't always wear armor."
"What about that big thing there?" she asked, indicating an unusually long line down his arm.
"Great aunt's kneazle."
"Looks about right," she said, scribbling notes on his chart.
"Are we going to go over every inch of my body?"
"Yes."
"Do you really think that's necessary?"
"Yes. Wait — that sounded like a sincere question. Huh. Sorry, I'm not used to patients who don't turn into complete morons as soon as they walk in my door." She shook her head. "How to put this. Right now I am trying to get as much information as I can about your condition without assuming I know how it all fits together, or which pieces of information will turn out to be important."
She waved her wand over his beard several times. "This process is made much easier in your case by the fact that I haven't the murkiest of notions what in Merlin's name could possibly have happened to you."
"At least you're honest."
"Why, thank you. Did you cut yourself shaving a lot before growing a beard?"
"Yes."
"Good. What? It resolves that area." She went up and down his torso, then made him roll over, continuing with a litany of minor scars.
"You know," said Eeles, conversationally, "except for that toe, I'm right pissed off at whoever or whatever did this to me. There were some good stories to go with those scars. I earned them!"
"I'm sure you did. I'm not disagreeing. We're going to check your vision and hearing later. Open your mouth. Oh." She paused. "I have no idea what's going on there, but you seem to have very healthy gums right now. Innterresting . . ."
"That's never good, is it."
"There's still a filling in one of your molars." She moved on.
"Huh," said Erasmus. "Hm. Right, magic on my ears and eyes might be spells I had active when I was patrolling."
"Alright, then, let's have you cancel them." She handed Eeles his wand from a bedside table. He tapped it to his forehead and each ears, silently canceling spells.
"Let's see . . .," she said. "Nope. That's not it. I'm going to move on to your internal organs."
About five minutes later, she spoke up again. "This is much harder. At least with scars you can tell me what it looked like before, and if we absolutely had to, we could go use Albus' penseive. But I don't suppose you were ever aware of anything being wrong with your gall bladder, were you?"
"I'm not really sure what that is. So, does this mean I'm the weirdest case you've ever seen?"
She snorted. "Hardly. I get asked that all the time. First time a student gets in a potions accident and gets a few purple bumps, they think nothing like it has ever happened before. But if I tell them anything at all to disabuse them of that notion, that just means they'll go out of their way to come back to me the next time with feathers and antlers. Feathers! Do you know how easy it is to accidentally grow feathers?"
"Er, no?"
"Well, as it turns out, I see it all the time. Severus sets his students up to get in accidents that will annoy me, and he looooves feathers."
"Oh, that's priceless!" Eeles laughed, then abruptly stopped. "Hey — you're trying to distract me from something, aren't you?"
"Actually, no. Potions accidents really do cause feathers on a regular basis around here, and I really am convinced Severus arranges it on purpose. Alright, I've gone over most of you. Off with the underpants."
"Er, isn't there something about being co-workers or something? I don't want to violate any policies no one told me about."
"Oh, do get over yourself. I've seen thousands of penises, and I'm sure there's nothing special about yours. Off. I'd do it myself but I'm avoiding touching you for now. Do I need to banish them?"
Eeles shrugged and did as requested, then waited several minutes while Poppy waved her wand at his crotch. Looking at her expression off intense concentration was too weird; he looked away. After several more minutes, he couldn't stand it anymore.
"What is it?" he asked.
"Magical residue throughout the area. It's a little different than elsewhere. You didn't have anything dramatically wrong down here before, did you?"
"Not that I know of. Uh, hang on, let me look . . . It looks the same as before, as far as I can tell."
"Huh." She took down several notes, then left for a moment, returning with a stack of books. Eeles, lying there naked, took it all in with a look of dismay.
"Um, before you start . . . whatever it is you are about to do with all that, is there any chance I could get breakfast?"
❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖ ❖
Author's notes:
Remember that Ficwad sometimes sends out update alerts every time you fix a typo. I am not the kind of Ficwad power-user who can achieve success in one post — sorry about that. Also I really hate formatting. I post on ao3 and fanfiction dot net, which each have increasingly more difficult formatting requirements, which is why Ficwad will remain the first place I post updates and the "authoritative" version.
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