Anxiety builds and builds and builds along with misguided trust
I felt so bewildered and I looked over to see Frank look overly-casual as he turned the key in the ignition. He looked so calm and passive as he backed out of the parking spot. How could he be so calm?
Probably because human contact doesn't scare him shitless...
Fuck, I tried breathing slowly and I looked out my window, trying to calm myself down. I tried to think about what I knew about conversation and all I could draw was from movies and my books. I just had to have confidence and not be too strange. I could get through this... This was suppose to be fun and yet here I am worrying. I'm so utterly hopeless.
"Amber, you know, don't be so nervous, you're really going to have fun!" He said not moving his eyes from the road.
"I know." My voice cracked. He could tell I was extremely nervous. The shaking might of gave it away. My body rattled hard, no matter how many slow, long breathes I proceeded to take.
He giggled slightly and pulled the car over, turning the car off in an instant. He turned towards me. My eyes widened even bigger.
He looked so handsome, I had to look away, I felt so nervous. I focused on my hands and he moved his hand to my lap. I looked up, feeling a jolt of electricity move through my body
"Look, really, get a few drinks in you, and you'll be great. Just dance, move, and have fun. Everyone there will be really dressed up but they're all going to be really accepting. There's going to be tons of mall goths dancing to nine inch nails and you have no reason to be fearful of them." He said with a wink. I giggled softly and tussled my hair, "You're right, you're right..." I started trailing off, "Should I really drink though? I don't really feel its a good idea, what if I fall asleep when we get home?" I said tilting my head. "Alcohol makes me feel heavy."
He rubbed my outer thigh before removing it and moving his hands to the steering wheel. "Well this is your choice, would you rather be sober in a club with terrible anxiety or drunk, dancing your bum off?" He said with a toothy grin. I looked forward and frowned feeling perplexed and slightly insulted. I shrugged it off and kept my glance towards my lap feeling anxious and my mouth feel completely dry and useless. I didn't know what to say. Did he not understand my fear? "Hey, listen, I know we don't talk very often about this, or really ever, but I'll wake you up if you get bad okay?" He trailed off. "If I hear you, I'll wake you up, I promise." I trailed his expression with my eyes. He looked so sincere and his small smile made my heart skip a beat completely. "Ill set an alarm for your shift tomorrow, alright?"
I nodded off, "Can I sleep in your bed again?"
I realized how bizarre that sounded when it left my mouth. My social skills were completely off and I knew that was completely unacceptable, my face grew red with his silence until I heard a small chuckle escape him.
"Yes, of course, Amber!" He said turning the car back on and moving back towards the road. I felt some of my anxiety bubble away and I tried to focus on all the things I knew I would have to do. Socializing scared me but I tried to vision myself as a pretty socialite. I tried to think of all the jokes I could tell. I tried to think how I would pace myself drinking and how I would hold onto Frank's hand the whole time. What kind of ways I would move my body? What did I even know about rhythm?
Moments passed and my fear started building itself up again. I watched the lights pass from the car window and sighed.
I even tried really hard to think of how the club would look and how I would look in it.
I tilted my head on the window. Am I even pretty enough to go out to a club? What would everyone think of me. Without thinking about it, my impulsive and naive nature took over me, "Frank, am I even pretty enough to be out like this? Isn't clubbing for glamorous people?"
He gripped harder onto the steering wheel and turned it to the side of a the road to park, I looked around to get a glance of the building that was possible a few blocks away.
"What could you possibly mean?" He said, deadpanned.
"You know, people who have sparkles in their eyes. People who have confidence... you know, people with stories and experience." I felt my eyes start to water, "I don't know, I'm really sorry. I wish I wasn't so painfully dull and strange." I flinched and felt my body shake again.
He turned off the car and looked at me, his eyes softened and he sighed. "Amber, you're beautiful. Don't get yourself down. You're not dull or strange." He chucked and tussled his hair. He looked down and his voice soften, "Really, I mean it. You have a spark, alright? You're a special person, but in the best way possible"
I glanced at his eyelashes and hair contrasting his soft white skin. It was so less nerve wracking to study him when he wasn't looking at me. I smiled and felt bubbles in my stomach due to his response. "Thank you, Frank. It really means a lot, lets get going.." I faked the enthusiasm but it didn't phase him. He flashed me a dazzling smile and exited to head towards the sidewalk. I followed suit and raced towards his side. He laughed at my exasperated expression and took hold of my hand.