Categories > Original > Humor0 Reviews
Recovering from two broken legs, Stan is enjoying his time at the hospital. Then he gets two surprise visitors: Roger and Klaus
Langley Falls County Hospital
by: Trenton Sands
Opening Credits Scene:
Roger's Disguise: Kevin Ramage from Faking Bad
At the hospital in Langley Falls. It was called Langley Falls County Hospital. Laying in room 1006 was CIA agent Stan Smith. Stan was in the hospital with two broken legs that were in casts. Stan's legs were extended in the air by a string pulled down by a weight. Stan was watching a football game.
TV: They did it! The GeorgeTown Hoyas beat the Cincinatti Bengals 30-16!
Stan: All right! Awesome! (chanting) Hoyas! Hoyas! Hoyas!
A nurse comes in.
Nurse: Everything okay in here, Mr. Smith?
Stan: Fan (beep) tastic!
Nurse: Enjoy your game?
Stan: You bet I have!
Nurse: I've noticed how happy you are since you've come to this hospital! Why is that?
Stan: It's good to have people do things for me for a change. Instead of me doing things for them.
Nurse: Must agree with that sometimes. Anywho, due to your condition, you might have to stay longer.
Stan: No problem! Then longer may I stay! Everyday I always have to do things for my family. Have to keep my needy wife company and listen to her emotional baggage. Have to have my boss Bullock ride my ass and do missions and favors for him. Sometimes sexual favors. Have to do things for my co-workers, give my son advice on girls, and make sure my daughter doesn't go down the wrong path and become a crack whore. Have to enable some moocher slacker living with us, feed my fish.......
Nurse: Sounds like you have a heavy load of burden there. How did you break your legs, anyway?
Stan: Have you ever seen that movie The Monuments Men?
Nurse: You mean that World War 2 movie with George Clooney and Matt Damon?
Stan: Yes, that's the one. After my CIA buddies saw that movie, we were sent by Bullock, my boss, into an underground cave for training. I was standing on a rock and my buddies were telling me I was standing on a land mime. They warned me not to step off. I didn't listen so once I stepped off, the land mime exploded from underneath me.
Nurse: Ooooh. That must have been painful.
Stan: Now look at me. I'm like James Caan in Misery. At least I don't have any number one fans! (laughs)
Nurse: I'll be back to get you your dinner.
Stan: I ordered the steak, BTW.
Nurse: I'll make sure you get it, Mr. Smith!
Stan (contentedly sigh): I hope I never go home. _This_ is living!
Stan was in his hospital room and he gets a call from the front desk.
Buzzer from the Front Desk: Stan Smith. You have a visitor.
Stan (presses a button): Send 'em in.
Then Stan begins to wonder who is coming to visit him.
Stan: Me? A visitor? Oh, boy! I wonder who it could be? (disgustedly): It's probably Creigh Deeds since I live here in Virginia. Maybe it'll be John McCain! Or Dick Cheney! Maybe one of them has some to honor me for getting wounded! Maybe it will be Colin Powell or Herman Cain. Many of the very few black guys we Rupublicans can tolerate. Or maybe it's a Football Player! Like Donovan McNabb!
Footfalls are approaching Stan's hosptial room as he continues to ponder who his visitor is.
Stan: I know! Ted Nugent! He's my favorite rock star! He proves that Christian Conservatives are not afraid to rock! Or Rick Ocasaic from The Cars! My all time favorite 80's band!
His visitors are Roger and Klaus. Roger was wearing a brown afro with a long sleeved blue plaid blouse, jeans, and brown shoes. Klaus was in his bowl being carried by Roger.
Klaus: Guten Tag, Stan!
Roger: HEEEEYYYYYY YYYYOOOOOUUUUUU SSSSTTTTTAAAAAANNNNN!!!!
Stan: John McCain! I knew it was you welcome to.....(turns to see Roger and Klaus)
Roger: Surprisy Daisies!
Stan: Roger and Klaus?!!?!?! What the hell are you guys doing here?
Klaus: We came to visit you, ja!
Stan: Not YOU two!
Roger: Yes it's us!
Stan: Why did you both come to visit me?
Roger: We were so bored today at Ma Ma and Ba Ba's house...
Klaus: So we thought we'd come see you!
Stan (sarcastically): Thanks. (normally) Wait. Why are you guys at Francine's parents?
Klaus: Francine felt lonely and heartbroken being away from you so she took, Hayley, me, Roger, and Steve to go live with them to them until you are better. Thank (beep) we did! Ma Ma and Ba Ba keep trying to turn me into sushi!
Roger (laughs): Yes it's true. Anyway, Frannie is feeling better being with her adoptive parents, Steve and his friends are treasure hunting, and Hayley is leading a search for some missing black kid with autism.
Stan: That sounds typical for my family. What's with the Jew Fo, Roger?
Roger: I'm dressed like Jake Peralta from Brooklyn Nine Nine. Andy Samberg plays him. So I'm like an Italian and Jew rolled into one!
Klaus (goes to the weight): What's this thing do?
Stan: No, wait! That's the weight to my string that keeps my legs up!
Roger: Noticed that. Hey, Stan! Are you in missionary position! (laughs)
Stan: Got a bad feeling about this.....
Klaus and Roger were talking to Stan about what's been happening since he's been in the hospital.
Stan: So, what's the news on the front?
Klaus: Living with Ma Ma and Ba Ba is like living during the Boxer Rebellion!
Stan: Sand Pebbles reference! Awesome movie! Tell me more...
Roger: Ba Ba was making some kind of wooden fort and kept saying over and over 'hammah hammah hammah'!
Stan (laughs): That's hilarious! That is so Ba Ba!
Roger: It's like a dead zone over at Ma Ma and Ba Bas! Everyday they're all like (oriental sing-song voice): 'We eat fish and rice and we're very cheap!'
Stan (laughs): You freaking nailed that to a T, Roger! You guys are cracking me up!
Klaus: Still have a bad feeling about us being with you?
Stan: Hmmmm, not anymore. Bashing Ma Ma and Ba Ba makes up for it.
Roger: Okay. Moving on. Guess you wouldn't mind what my latest project is.....
Stan: What is it?
Roger: You know how they're making hit movies into musicals?
Stan: Yes. It's degrading how they made Rocky into a musical.
Roger: What about, think if you will....Jurassic Park, The Musical! And you'll be the first to witness it!
Klaus gets a bag full of toy dinosaurs and Roger takes them and placed them on Stan's table.
Roger: I'm going to put some spice into it! Look! A Chorus Line of dinosaurs! (shows a brontosaurus toy): James Bron-tosaurus! (to the tune of I Feel Good): I Eat Wood! de de de de de de de Tastes so Good!
Stan: You got that from Mrs. Doubtfire! You have no expirence in the playright field.
Roger: An Contriere. I used to write for 1980's Saturday Morning cartoons.
Klaus: Thought you only wrote for Pac Man.
Roger: Wrote for other ones, too. Like The Get Along Gang, Snorks, Muppet Babies.....
Stan: Get Along Gang? Sounds like a Fat Albert rip off. Wasn't watching cartoons back then. Got any proof?
Roger (gets a laptop): Here's some video footage I taped of myself at the writers room of The Get Along Gang.
The laptop has a CD put in by Roger and it shows a video of Roger at the writers room everyone in the video was wearing 80's style suits. Roger has a mullet. There's a picture of Montgomery Moose on the chalkboard.
Roger: OKay, Get Along Gang, writers. Every episode has to revolve around Montgomery Moose! Got it! In every episode, Montgomery is the one who solves the problems and mysteries. Montgomery is the one who is always the hero, always right, and is very smart and all knowing.
Writer: Can't we do one where Zipper Cat's the hero?
Roger: Zipper Cat? (walks up to writer) Zipper Cat?! Zipper Cat! Kids who watch this show don't give a (beep) about Zipper Cat!
Writer: Just a suggestion...
Roger: The only thing Zipper Cat is good for is being a background character like all the others are! Kids love main male characters....no kid is going to want to see Zipper Cat be the hero! Kids want LEADERS! Kids want Winners like Montgomery Moose!
Writer: Okay, you're right...
Roger: Don't ever think outside the box like that, again! (shoots writer)
Then the CD is the laptop is removed. The video was gone.
Stan: Guess that's my proof. You can go ahead and do it.
Klaus: No wonder Zipper Cat and the other members never got recognition!
Roger: Then I quit the Saturday Morning cartoon writing business once the golden age of craptacular cartoons began. Cartoons like Wish Kid, Where's Waldo, Yo Yogi, Hammerman, and Super Mario World. What did you think?
Stan: Quite a story there. It's good how you wanted to teach kids about male dominance and conformity.
Klaus: Ja it is! You should write to CreepyPasta about your story there.
Roger: CreepyPasta is for lost episodes, dumbass!
Stan: Wait a second? Whats CreepyPasta?
Roger: It's a website about lost episodes of sitcoms and cartoons. Every sitcom and cartoon has one. Seinfield and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air do. Even those kiddie shows we love to hate. And the Youtube videos have a haunting voice telling the story of the lost never aired episode. (gets out his laptop) Only fair to warn you, once you read one, it'll disturb you!
Klaus: Let us show you.
Roger goes on the internet and shows Stan the CreepyPasta website. Stan is terrified.
Stan (screams in terror): AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! Everything is so satanic, demonic and distorted! Some even talk in different languages and speak in tongues! I'm a Christian! After seeing that, I'm going to be haunted for days. (cries)
Roger: Told you it was disturbing....
Klaus: We got something that will make you feel better.
Stan: Nothing can make me feel better about CreepyPasta. (cries)
Klaus (carries a to-go plate): We got you some food.
Stan nervously opens the box and it's a styrofoam bowl of soup.
Roger: Chicken Soup for the Soul.
Stan: This looks okay. (shakes nervously) I won't be able to function for a while.....
Roger and Klaus look on as Stan eats the soup.
Stan: This is pretty good, what is it?
Klaus: Ma Ma and Ba Ba made it.
Roger: It's called Miso. As in Miso Horny!
Stan looks around and sees some strange looking noodles.
Klaus: Have some more.
Stan: What are these noodles?
Roger: It's not Miso. It's Snake Soup. With octopus tentacles.
Stan then gulps, chokes and starts to vomit all over the place. Roger and Klaus laugh at him.
A doctor named Hopkins who was tall, heavy built, and wore a lab coat and slacks. Hopkins had brown hair and blue eyes He was walking down the hall leading into Stan's room. Roger and Klaus continue to annoy and terrorize Stan who was crying.
Stan: You both totally creeped me out.
Roger: Come on! Tough guy like you? Say, listen. Want to hear the most annoying sound? (in Stan's ear) EEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Klaus: Oh, boy! Are we quoting Dumb and Dumber? (singing) Mock....
Roger (singing): Yeah.....
Klaus (singing) Ing.....
Roger (singing): Yeah.....
Klaus (singing): Bird.....
Roger and Klaus (singing): He's gonna buy me a mockingbird!
Roger: Lighten up, we're just having fun. I got a better song to sing, (singing): Let it Go! Let It Go!!!! Let it Go! Oh, Let it GOOOOO!!!!!!!
Stan: Not Disney songs! That song was worse then Somewhere Out There!
Klaus: We can sing that if you want!
Stan: STOP!!!!!! For the last 30 minutes it's been nothing but utter chaos! Was hoping some Republican Politican or a Football player was going to visit me. Then it had to be you guys. You both and your spookypizzas, your Italian/Jewish wardrobe, your Jurassic Park musical, and worst of all, your snake soup and octopus tentacles!
Klaus: You are not going to throw us out, are you?
Stan: Doesn't sound like such a bad idea!
Roger: Give us a chance, Stan! Don't send us away! (a'la Daffy Duck) Don't send us to Sing....Sing....Sing....Sing!
Stan: Fine! I'm giving you another chance. If you mess up, either of you! Out you go!
Klaus: We understand!
Dr. Hopkins: Hey, Stan! How ya doin' buddy!
Stan: Dr. Hopkins! Good to see you!
Roger looks at Dr. Hopkins.
Dr. Hopkins: Yes, what do you want?
Roger: I remember you from high school.
Dr. Hopkins: As do I....you're that loser remedial kid who wouldn't shut up about Q Bert!
Stan: Uh, doctor. My legs.
Dr. Hopkins: We checked your XRAYS and your legs should be as good as new by next week. You can stay here until then. Your insurance will cover it.
Stan: One of the advantages of being a CIA agent! Do you and Roger know each other?
Roger: He's my old high school rival from the 80's!
Stan: What high school?
Dr. Hopkins: Chimdale High. Want to know what he did?
Klaus: Roger was an outcast in high school? This I GOT to hear!
Dr. Hopkins: I was telling my English teacher some vocab words, and this little ingrate kept repeating the words and it annoyed me so much and I screamed at him.
Stan: Nobody blames you one bit for that!
Roger: I was just trying to show the teacher, I knew the vocab words, too!
Dr. Hopkins: You were just trying to show everyone that you weren't a dumbass! Nothing you did can prove them otherwise..... No matter how cool you tried to be, or how normal, you were always a reatard!
Roger: How in the hell did you get to be a doctor?
Dr. Hopkins: You'd be surprised at what privledges being a high school quarterback can do! What are you doing with your life? Still into Donkey Kong?
Roger: No, I'm a housesitter like in that underrated movie with Sinbad. No, I'm a...houseguest.......You know, like Kato Kaelin......Uh, (nervously) I invented Post It Notes!
Dr. Hopkins (laughing): Like Romy and Michelle? Anyway, how do you and Stan know each other?
Stan: Roger is telling the truth, he is a houseguest. He's my houseguest, he's working his way through Film School.
Dr. Hopkins: He's been in film school for the past 30 years? (laughs) You'll graduate at 70!
Roger angerly growls at Dr. Hopkins.
Klaus: What else did Roger do?
Dr. Hopkins: He tried to convince everyone he had regular ed science. But everyone knew he was in remedial science.
Stan: Word gets around fast in high school. Believe me, I know!
Dr. Hopkins: Why did everyone know about him being in remedial science? I went around and told everyone....
Roger: Just trying to stop the others from making fun of me......
Dr. Hopkins: Now, he probably doesn't have a good enough job to hold a place of his own. I'll bet Stan doesn't even like you.
Roger: Yes he does!
Dr. Hopkins: Nobody liked you in high school, and nobody likes you now! And nobody ever will! I refuse to believe it! Once you're a loser in high school you're a loser for life! 30 years in Film School! HA!
Dr. Hopkins and Roger continued their rivalry as Stan and Klaus looked on.
Stan: I would've been honored to be your friend, Hopkins!
Dr. Hopkins: Thanks Stan!
Roger: Why are you taking his side?
Klaus: Waiting with bated breath to see where this is going!
Dr. Hopkins: I went to Harvard, then I got married, and I have three kids. What about you?
Roger: Well...I have some life expirience....Partied....traveled...
Dr. Hopkins: Don't believe you! You probably still have your Mommy and Daddy do everything for you. Are you having flashbacks from that swirly I gave you when you talked to that cheerleader? Stil don't think you're Stan's houseguest or you're in Film School!
Roger: (angerly growls)
Dr. Hopkins: While you were playing your retarded Frogger and Dragon's Lair games on your little Atari, I was out partying, winning football games, getting drunk and high, and banging chicks left and right! Crusing around in my car! Now look at me! I'm a success! And you're a failure! I'll bet you live in your mother's basement now playing Nintendo Wii!
Roger (dodges at Dr. Hopkins): You Son Of A Bitch, I'll kill you!!!!
Dr. Hopkins and Roger get into a horrible fight. Klaus is cheering them on.
Klaus: Fight! Fight! This is like the Jerry Springer show! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Stan: I can't take this anymore! All of this confusion and crisis! Came here to get peace and quiet!
Roger and Dr. Hopkins are still fighting. Dr. Hopkins was hitting and punching Roger. As Roger was doing the same in a similar fashion. Klaus throws a specimen of urine in Roger's direction and Roger hits Dr. Hopkins with it. Roger and Dr. Hopkins both had their faces covered in blood.
Roger: How do you like being hit with urine, Dr. Patch Ass-dums!
Dr. Hopkins: You can't do this to me!
The fight continues to go on. Then Dr. Hopkins trips over the weight on a string that was extending Stan's legs. Roger then trips Dr. Hopkins and he falls out a window holding the weight and now Stan was in mid air.
Stan: NNNOOOO!!!! Painful! Klaus! Help me!
Dr. Hopkins: Get me back in there!
Roger: Plummet to your death, bitch!
Stan: Roger! Stop with this rivalry and get me down! Get Hopkins back in here!
Roger: Never! Hope you like a 50 story fall!
Dr. Hopkins: Get me back in! Need to talk to Stan, my patient!
Roger: You must pay for what you did to me!
Dr. Hopkins: Why? All of this is because I didn't want to play Atari with you? Because I had interests that were based in the real world and not video games?
Roger: No, you bullied me! Now I'm going to bully your sorry ass and see how you like it!
Klaus: I'll back you up, Stan!
As Klaus was trying to pull the string, it caused Roger to almost fall out of the window where Dr. Hopkins was hanging. Finally Roger got some scissors and cut the string and it made Dr. Hopkins fall to his death and Stan fall onto his bed and breaking his hospital bed. Dr. Hopkins falls into a construction made hole.
Roger: There! Now that that's settled! What do you say we....
Stan: Forget it! I gave you both one chance and you blew it!
Klaus: I didn't do nothing, it was all Roger's doing....
Stan: Now they're probably going to kick me out. I'm calling security!
Roger: But, Stan! He made fun of me in high school! And I wasn't even a student at the time. I was posing as one because I was on the run from drug dealers.
Stan: At least Jon Cryer in Hiding Out had a sense of decency. But you killed my doctor!
Roger: You had no problem when I got rid of Jeff...
Stan: That's it! You and your act of revenge was the last straw! (calls speaker): Security?
A curtain next to Stan's opens and in the other bed it's Mind Quad.
Mind Quad: Need to throw out someone? I'm all the secuirty you need!
The Mind Quad logo shows.
Voice Over: MIND QUAD!!!!
Stan: Hey, Mind Quad! Watch your show all the time! Please get rid of these psychos! Ever since they came in, it's been nothing but torture! And he killed my doctor!
Klaus: Doesn't some Stephen Hawkins-like crippled kid follow you?
Mind Quad: I'll kick them both out.....with my mind!
Roger: Think you have a shot, amputee? I'll bet your a charity case for those Wounded Warriors! How are you going to throw us out? Are you going to (singing): Say A Prayer For Peace! (laughs) It's not like you can get up and....
Mind Quad uses his telekentic powers to throw both Roger and Klaus out of the room. Roger and Klaus went flying out the door and fell 50 stories. They were both okay, and Roger and Klaus both landed in the lobby.
At the lobby of the hospital, Roger and Klaus are determined to get back into Stan's room. A secruity guard who's a wannabe cop makes an annoucment.
Guard: My I have your attention, please. Nobody is to go anywhere near Stan Smith's room. All right? Evidently, someone has caused chaos in that room and this is supposed to be a peaceful enviornment to try to keep the patients calm. And a doctor died of unknown circumstances. Nobody go near and stay away from Stan Smith's room! That is all.
Roger: That's our chance. Let's go!
The Guard stops Roger and Klaus when they reach the hallway.
Guard: Where do you think you're going?
Klaus: We're going to see your friend, General Humblebuck!
Guard: Humblebuck? Who's Humblebuck?
Klaus: You don't know him?
Roger: He's an Iraqi War Vet. He walks like this....
The Guard gets suspicious as Roger imitates the walk.
Klaus: Ja he does walk like that.
Roger: Yeah, and he's got a bad case of ingrown scrotum on account of his balls got blown off like Jake in A Sun Also Rises.....He starts off like this.
Klaus was being carried in the bowl as Roger was walking like a backwards crab without using his hands on the ground.
Roger: As the Mexicans do, let's make a Run For The Border!
Klaus: Aye Karumba! Doesn't someone already say that?
Guard (chases after Roger and Klaus): Come back here! When I get my hands on you, you're both going to prison for 20 years!
As Roger runs, he bumps into a orderly who was serving food. Then the guard bumps into the orderly too. Roger and Klaus hide in a corner as the guard walks away to find them.
Klaus: No rent a cop will never prevent us from hazing Stan!
Roger: You said it, fish!
The guard walks up to them unsuspectingly. Roger and Klaus turn around and scream and run away. The orderly gets up, and is knocked down again. The orderly fell on the broken glass and he glass is stuck to his face.
Then as the Guard chases Roger and Klaus, Roger goes to a bed sees gets another bedpan. This bedpan Roger is armed with is full of feces.
Guard: That's hospital property! Put that down, now! Or I'll arrest you! The mayor of Langley Falls will put in a good word for me if I capture you two!
Roger: As Daniel Tosh once said, "Nah Nah a Boo Boo, stick your head in doodoo!"
Klaus helps out as him and Roger throw the bedpan full of feces at the Guard. The Guard is subdued.
Guard: (beep)! I'm covered in (beep)!
Roger and Klaus think they're in the clear. The Guard was in the bathroom. putting on a fresh clean uniform.
Guard: I'm going to get those clowns!
Klaus: Wow, that was close. We need to get back to room 1006. (sees the babies) Awwww..
Roger: Look at the cute babies that just came out of some whore's uterus!
Klaus and Roger make baby noises at the babies, and then the Guard comes out of the bathroom in a new uniform and goes up to the OBGYN Baby Ward and does the same.
Roger (picks his nose): I'm picking my nose!
Klaus: Ooga Booga!
Roger and Klaus make faces at the babies by pressing their faces up against the plexiglass.
Guard: Boy aren't they cute....
Roger: Yeah, the girl in the blond hair is looks like a crossbreed of Katy Perry and Russell Brand.....they dated once and.....(sees Guard and punchs him)
Guard: I am not giving up! Nobody is going near Stan Smith's room!
Then the Guard sees a walking figure in doctor scrubs who is really Klaus, wheeling a disguised Roger. Roger was dressed as a woman in a hospital gown.
Guard (walks up to the figure): Excuse me? Did you see some degenerates running around here?
Klaus: No. This woman is waiting to get an abortion, I have to go!
The Guard accidently steps on the leg of the scrubs and Klaus and Roger unwittingly walk away and moving Klaus's costume on puppet strings, that's when the Guard notices them.
Guard: Hey, You!
Roger and Klaus: (screaming)
Then another orderly is walking down the hall and and Roger bumps into him. The Guard does the same thing. They both get up
Guard: Sorry I bumped into you.
Orderly: Why did you bump into me, prick? You coming onto me?
Guard: No, I'm not like that, seriously!
Orderly: You trying to seduce me?
Guard: Of course, I'm just trying to protect a patient here...
Orderly: I'll kill you, son of a bitch!
Then the Orderly beats up the Guard. Roger and Klaus manage to get away. And they sneak into a morgue.
In the Morgue there's a whole bunch of dead bodies cut open, blood and organs were all around. The stench was unbearable. Roger and Klaus lay on a bed and hide themselves under a blanket. Then a doctor comes inside with a black orderly.
Doctor #1: Move these bodies to the creamatory.
Black Orderly: Yes sir, the creamatory!
Roger: Boy, that's a real hot foot!
Klaus: Let's get out of here!
Roger: And back to pranking Stan!
Klaus and Roger get up out of the bed and throw the sheet off the floor. The black orderly thinks they're dead people come back to life.
Black Orderly (screams): AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (jumps out of the nearest window)
Roger and Klaus made it to the elevator and went to the 10th floor. They were just about to get back into Stan's room. Then another doctor was lecturing Stan.
Stan: What do you mean I have to go home? They say I can stay another week.
Doctor #2: Since those two visitors came and pranked you, we cannot have that kind of behavior tolerated at our hospital.
Stan: I've been doing good here.
Doctor #2: No patient is allowed to have rowdy visitors! Call someone to give you a ride home.
Roger: We'll do it!
Stan: Roger! Because of you I can't stay here anymore.
Roger: Let me redeem myself in your eyes. I'm here for you Stan.....
Klaus: We were just trying to have fun.
Doctor #2: Okay then. Just let me give you this shot of morphine.
The Doctor accidently gives Klaus the shot of morphine. Roger was helping Stan into his clothes. Roger puts Stan's pants on backwards.
Roger: Ready to go home?
Stan: You put my pants on backwards!
Roger: Indeed I did! Say, you look like Kriss Kross! (rapping) You da Mack Daddy or You the Daddy Mack! Anyway Stan are you Wiggity Wiggity Wiggity Wiggity WHACK!
Stan: Stop quoting one hit wonder 90's hip hop and put my pants on right!
Roger puts Stan's pants on the right way, and he gets put in a wheelchair with Roger pushing him.
Stan: Which one of you is going to drive me home?
Klaus (stoned): I will. Used to drive in the autoban.....
Stan: You don't sound so good.
Roger: Let him do it. After all, it's our fault we got you kicked out of the hospital....
Stan: Damn straight it is! You both owe me for this! When we get home you both will wait on me hand and foot!
Roger: Yes sir!
Doctor #2 (scoffs): Good luck. We're counting on you. Good luck!
Some nurses look at the empty syringe that Klaus was injected with.
Nurse #1: Did you see this?
Nurse #2: What is it?
Nurse #1(laughing): The patient in room 1006 got accidently shot with morphine!
Nurse #2: Stan Smith is going to have his hands full with that fish! (laughing)
Scene 10 Conclusion:
Roger is wheeling Stan out of the hospital lobby and into the Smith Family SUV. Roger puts Stan in the back seat and buckles him into his seat.
Stan: I don't need this...
Roger: You're in the bitch seat!
Klaus (stoned): I'm a little rusty, hope...remember how to drive.
Roger: Just keep your eyes on the road and your head upon the wheel, dude!
Klaus goes into the drivers seat, and Roger turns on the radio. Portugal The Man's Hip Hop Kids plays. Klaus then starts to drive really slow.
Stan: When I get home, you two are going to be my butlers.
Roger: Geez, Klaus, remind me to never let you see Two Lane Blacktop.
Klaus was still driving very slow, and then Klaus unwittingly presses the cruise control button and everything goes out of control and fast.
Stan: Woah! What the! I'm supposed to be resting here.......slow down!
Roger: Are you trying to kill us, you dick!
As the SUV was going in fast speeds, it runs into fire hydrants, almost runs into an oncoming train, and a school bus that was empty.
Stan: Ohhh, (beep)....what the hell is wrong with you, Klaus! Why don't you look where you're going?!?!?!
Klaus was still high from the morphine and continues to drive at fast speeds. Then Klaus runs into some buildings. And disrupts a board meeting.
Businessman: Our stocks today......
Klaus drives into the building and runs over and kills and injures all of the board meeting members.
Roger: Klaus just killed capitalism, Stan! (laughs)
Stan: Slam on the breaks! I need to have peace! Jesus peace! Not Hippie Peace! I need quiet!
Klaus then drives through a car wash and a worker where gets hit and his head hits the hose and his head explodes.
Roger: Talk about a melon head!
Stan: Klaus! Look out for that semi truck and that gap in the bridge.
Klaus (stoned): Good night everybody....
Then Klaus jumps in the SUV over the gap of the bridge and the SUV jumps and it goes in circles.
Stan: We're going to die, I know it!
Roger: If you and Klaus die, they're acceptable loses for me.
Stan and Roger: Woah, woah woah woah.
Klaus drives into the semi truck and the SUV crashes into the rear of the semi. The SUV is stuck.
Stan: Worst day of my life! Now we're stuck on the back end of some redneck's semi! He's probably going to take us to New Orleans and do a voodoo sacrifice on us!
Roger: Could be worse. At least we're not on an airplane in Malaysia....
Later on that day, back at the Smith House, Stan was in bed recovering from his broken legs. Roger comes in with a tray. It's 3 am. Stan used this time at home to use a buzzer to order around Roger and Klaus.
Roger (tired): Here's that chocolate pudding you wanted......
Stan: Thanks! Good job, boy! If only I had lived during the pre-civil war era!
Roger: The store was closed and I had to do some favors by pulling down a guys pants and giving some dude a (sing-song) 'wah-wah'.
Stan: Way to degrade yourself while pleasing your boss!
Klaus comes in all tired.
Stan: Turn on the TV.
Klaus: What channel do you want?
Stan: Netflix. Turn on House of Cards.
Klaus turns on the TV and House of Cards comes on.
Stan: Ahhhhh. Once again I have things done for me....who needs the hospital anyway!
Roger and Klaus: Anything else????
Stan keeps repeatingly pressing the buzzer over and over and orders Roger and Klaus around to get things and do stuff for him.