Categories > Original > Horror > Journal For the Slightly Insane

Night 21

by upinflames 0 reviews

ranting// negative.

Category: Horror - Rating: R - Genres:  - Published: 2014-05-31 - 1007 words

I hurt you and that wasn’t what I meant to do/ She was so angry and I was too/ I was so angry with myself/ I think saying that makes it worse somehow because suddenly it’s self-pity/ suddenly it’s pathetic/ it’s really fucking sad I’m angry with my behavior/ lack thereof/ it’s sad I can’t be fucked with doing something about it/ It’s actually a habit now/ I know that now/ I’m spineless/ I can’t open my mouth/ I can’t say things I want to/ I’m too afraid of strangers who will judge me for a second to let myself or the people close to me be happy for once/ I’m so weak/ I’m so cheap/ I’m skin-deep/ I turned out to be everything I never wanted to be all at once/ I know why I hate myself/ I know why I don’t think I deserve good things like you/ I’m sorry but I can only apologize/ I don’t know when I’ll learn but you don’t know either/ we’re both waiting on that/ I think I’m conscious of myself but I’m not/ I don’t know what the fuck doing/ I think you think I’m getting too ahead of myself/ I think that too/ I think so much about things that will never happen I actually tire myself out/ I’ve lost so many chance and opportunities thinking so goddamn hard/ all I’ve got to show for it is good letter grades and a scholarship supervisor who shakes my hand when I tell them I’ve met goals I’m not sure I’ve actually succeeded in meeting/ you take care of me/ you hold my hand/ you wrap me up in blankets and cover me with you and your being and I’ve given you nothing/ but somehow you tell me I’ve given you everything/ we’re your everything/ but that’s not true/ not for me/ you always wanted a kid but I don’t think like any kid you’ve ever met/ and somehow you see that as brilliance/ I’ve let you down/ I’ve disappointed you like I knew I would/ you’re so hurt/ I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry/ I don’t know how to fix this/ you already felt like you weren’t so important to me/ somehow I confirmed it/ I wasn’t even aware of how much it devastated you until you couldn’t even look at me/ and you said it too/ you said/ “Look at me, look at me”/ and I didn’t/ you’re one of the best thing going for me and I took you for granted/ you’re not a creep/ you’re not a ghost/ you stayed when he left/ I keep thinking he’s coming back but he’s not/ I’m so scared/ I’m scared you’ll leave/ I think you’ll leave/ I’m waiting for you to leave/ I want to be alone too/ and I’m scared of being alone/ but it’s not all about me/ you gave up so much for me/ I’m scared I’m not worth what you sacrificed/ you’ve made it clear you’re not leaving/ but all you’ve left behind makes me think you can/ and someday I’ll push too hard/ and you will/ I would want you to leave/ not them but me/ I think there’s something inherently wrong with who I am/ that’s giving me too much credit too/ I think there’s something incredibly unexceptional about me/ you keep making me think differently/ you got too close/ you say I’m beautiful/ you think I write well enough to publish/ you believe in me the way he never did/ I’m forever indebted/ but I’ve paid you in pain and separation/ stupid pride and passivity to people who don’t matter/ you gave and gave and gave/ I took and took and took/ but you’re not empty/ even now you’re still so full of love for me/ when you come back I’ll cry/ I’ll fix this if it’s the only thing I will ever do right/ I has to be/ you’re so important to me/ you’re too important/ I can’t mess this up/ if I can’t defend myself/ if I can’t be myself/ the least I can do is defend you when you’ll do the same for me tenfold/ I’m so sorry I didn’t/ I’m so sorry I can’t fix this now/ I’m so sorry this doesn’t come naturally to me/ no one has ever cared like you do/ I never expected anyone to/ you always throw me off guard/ suddenly I realize I’m actually steering the wheel here/ I’m actually alive and the world didn’t stop when he left/ you love me like he was supposed to/ I love you I love you I love you/ please don’t believe I don’t think you’re part of my life/ please realize how important you are to me/ I don’t know how to show you how grateful I am you exist in my life/ I don’t know how to not be young or stupid or selfish/ I don’t know how to not care about what other people think of me or you/ I don’t know how to stop being sad or lonely or sick or tired/ but I know that I need you and I want you to be here/ I love you/ we love you/ please don’t leave/ please be happy/ I don’t know how to fix this/ I’m so sorry I hurt you/ I’ll fix this/

"i m sorry about this":
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