Jack sends Will a message.
(#) Sheela 2006-08-20 07:49:35 AMI thought it was a lovely start, but I felt it wasn't quite enough to stand on its own - a single sentence about Will's feelings or thoughts at the end (did he feel a longing, or disgust or something else, just anything other that brief confusion?) could give your story a proper ending.
Unless of course this was never meant to stand on its own and there's going to be this epic adventure story to follow up the snippet (or just a second chapter) sits up beaming In that case I'll love to read it - even from this short bit I could tell that I like your writing style, very beliefable!
Good luck and happy writing!
- Excellent tone, but it would resonate more if it were more grounded. Jack's offer of freedom and fellowship is pretty powerful, but we'd know more about how Will felt about it if we knew where he was and what he was doing when he got the message.
And Jack's language skills need no explanation.