FicWad

Subject: Everyone

A skateboard ripped through the busy Tokyo streets. Down the stairs, through the street, on the curb, off the curb, and the curb again. The young man grinded to a stop before whipping out his cell phone. He had one new message from James.

Sparking ur last spliff!

“Fuckers!” the young man swore. He closed up his phone and skated down the path. A bus and cars honked as he nearly skated in their path. The young man looked around as he kept going. A police officer sat on his bike, enjoying his dango. The skater whizzed by on his skateboard, knocking him and the bike over. The cop scrambled to his feet and gave chase. The young man came up to construction workers working in the road and used them as a ramp, sailing over them. The men screamed insults as he skated away. The young man only grinded to a halt when he approached a dump truck.

“Alex!” a boy his age shouted as the skater dashed across the street. His friends, James and BJ, sat at a table outside a coffee shop.

“This stuff is fucking rubbish, by the way,” James said.

“Stop stealing my fucking spliff!” Alex complained. “Morning gents, you thieving bastards.” Behind him, the cop crashed into the dump truck. BJ broke into laughter as Alex took a seat.

“Come on, I got you some breakfast,” James said. He handed his friend a small bottle of sake. Alex took out the lit joint.

“They allow to serve sake at eight in the morning?” he asked, pointing at the shop. James shrugged.

“I had a word,” he said, tapping his nose. “Right, fucking BJ got some interesting thoughts on the benefits of Takahashi as part of a balanced dietary pattern.”

“Yeah?” Alex asked.

“Yes, well,” BJ began “Calorifically it’s right up there with 392 energy units which is nothing on the Kit Kat duo I’m having which has the additional drawback of twenty-eight grams of fat. Although, I can call 1.2 grams of fibre which doesn’t feature in your sake. However, you could argue, in some sense, that Crazy Milk constitute one of your five a day.” As he spoke, James chuckled. Alex blew out smoke from his joint.

“That’ll do me,” James said before he took a drink. Alex took another smoke and BJ took a bit into his Kit Kat.

“You’re not having that, Al?” James asked as he pointed to Alex’s sake. He picked up the bottle and took a drink.

“That’s his fourth so far,” BJ said.

“Is that a good idea?” Alex asked. “We have school in half an hour.”

“Yes, you’ll be carrying an attention deficit into the day,” BJ said.

“Attention deficit?” Alex asked. “Intelligence deficit.” James finished his drink and burped aloud.

“Pig,” a woman said as she pushed her stroller by.

“Well, maybe we won’t go then,” James said.

“You’re gonna bunk off your first day?” Alex asked.

“Alex!” James said as he took the joint from his friend. “Mate, the sun’s shining. We’re bevvied, spliffed, and sorted. That feels like the beginning of something. I’m waiting.”

“For what?”

“The signal.”

“We’re starting school, Jim.”

“No, Al, we’re waiting. Something’s got to happen to start us off.”

“You’re running a randomized fate model to determine whether you continue in full-time education?” BJ asked.

“Yes! I need motivation!” James said. “And it needs to be better than sitting in the sun with you two drinking sake and smoking your blow.” He turned to the shop owner outside.

“Takumi, have you the same again?” he asked. “And sling a couple of them cherry shots on top! Cheers, dude!” Alex chuckled.

“Shots?” he asked.

“Yes! I can feel it!” James said. “It’s got potential this day. It’s pregnant, huh?” He took another smoke of the joint as Alex scratched the back of his head and sighs. BJ smiled until something caught his attention.

“Shouldn’t someone pick up that bike before it causes an acc--?” he asked. Crash! A nice Toyota ran over said bike, swerved, and hit the shop sign. James broke into laughter.

“For fuck sake, Jesus shite!” Bill Williams shouted as he got out of the car. “Fuck! Where the fuck did that…? What the fuck?” James laughed as Bill walked to the front of the car.

“Oh look at it!” the angry man shouted. “Look at it! Look at my fucking car!” He walked up to a random old lady in the street.

“You saw that, did you?” he asked her. “Did you? Did you not see it?”

“I don’t know,” the old lady said. “You drove into the sign.”

“I did not!” Bill shouted. “The fucking bike jumped out in front of me! You must have seen it! You’re my witness, right? Are you blind? Why is everyone round here fucking blind? I’m doing nothing!” Alex happened to look into the car and see Darcy sitting in the passenger seat, smoking a blunt of her own.

“That girl’s looking at you, Alex,” BJ said.

“Yeah,” Alex said. He had the face of someone struck by the thunderbolt.

“Maybe she’s looking at me,” BJ said with a smile.

“She’s not looking at you, BJ,” Alex said.

“Okay,” his friend said, disappointed. “Nice hair.”

“Yeah.”

“She's got nice hair and nice eyes. And nice breasts, probably.”

“Shut up, BJ.” Alex took in the view as Bill kept ranting like a lunatic.

“Nipples,” BJ said. “We'll just imagine her bottom.”

“Are you fucking…?” Bill asked. “Where's your fucking white stick, woman?”

“She's absolutely lovely,” BJ said.

“You are as stupid as you look! Ah, for fuck I want your mobile number,” Bill said to the old lady.

“I don't have one,” she said.

“Your fucking email address, then! Look at the state of my fucking car!” the angry man shouted. “You must have seen something, you demented bint!” He turned when he heard groaning.

“What… What happened?” James asked as he staggered forward with his hand on his head and red on his cheek.

“Is that your bike, you fucking idiot?!” Bill shouted.

“I was signalling you just kept coming,” James said. Alex happened to look and notice the bottle of used red sweet bean sauce and looked at the scene unfolding, chuckling.

“I didn't even see you! You came out of fucking nowhere!” Bill shouted.

“I was trying to make you see me,” James said. You just kept coming, man!”

The man shook his head. “No. That's bollocks. Now, Listen!”

“You fucked my bike. You just ran straight through me.” James rubbed his head.

“That is not right!” Bill looked around frantically. “You haven't got a witness. Nobody saw me knock you off your bike.”

“I did,” the old lady said. Bill turned to see her smiling.

“It was just like he said,” she said. “You ran him over, and now he's bleeding.”

“Profusely,” James said. The old lady nodded.

“Perhaps we should call a policeman,” James said, reaching into his pocket. “I think it's a crime to leave the scene of a…

“No, no, no!” Bill said, pulling out his wallet. “There's no need for that. I'm sure we can sort this out. Let me buy you a new bike.” James looked into the car and saw Darcy smoking.

“Look, here,” her dad said, shoving money into the boy’s face. “Come on, take it! Take it!! Come on, have the lot. Have the whole fucking lot!” He spilled some yen coins on the pavement. “Oh, bollocks! Forgive and forget, OK? Forgive and forget, OK? OK?! All right.” Another man walked into the scene as Darcy got out of the car

“Everything all right, Oba-chan?” the man asked.

“Oh, yes,” Bill said. “Just a slight problem, all sorted out now. Yes.” Darcy walked by James and ran her finger down his cheek with a cat-like smile. She licked up the red bean sauce.

“He's an idiot, he wrapped his car around that sign, and he's called me a demented bint,” the old lady said.

“What the fuck did you say to my grandma, man?” the man asked.

“Hello, nice to meet you,” Bill said.

“Don't fucking, "Hello," me!” the other man yelled.

“Sweet,” Darcy said. BJ and Alex joined James as they watched her walk by.

“Dad says some things are best left to the imagination,” BJ said as he stared at her fishnets and black miniskirt. “But that's not right, is it?”

“Your dad's a stupid tosser, BJ,” James said.

“Yes,” the friend said. Darcy walked up to Tokyo Cram College campus.

“Do you think she's going where we're going?” BJ asked.

“She is now,” James said. He took one look at the arguing men before following Darcy. His friends followed behind before Bill got head-butted by the other guy.

---------

Elsewhere, Yumi was laying down clothes for what she wanted to wear to school today. After several choices, she settled on the one she wanted and grinned. She read through the Tokyo Cram College guide briefly before walking into the hallway. Yumi frowned when she saw her younger brother peeking into the bathroom lock. She sighed and hit him in the back of the head.

“Aarrgh!” the little boy yelled. “Mama! Mama! Yumi nee-san hit me! Aargh!”

“Yumi-chan? Are you hitting Daisuke-kun?” their mom asked.

“Sorry!” Yumi lied. “Accident.” She kicked Daisuke in the side.

“Argh!” he shouted. That was my head!”

“Shut up or I'll tell her what you were doing.”

Daisuke rose to his feet. “I've got a natural curiosity for a boy of my age.”

“Fuck off. And I know it's you stealing our panties. They better not be sticky when I find them.” Yumi put her hands on her hips as Daisuke ran away. She sighed and pounded on the bathroom.

“Get the fuck out of there, bitch!” she yelled. Yumi looked down the stairs. “Mom! Mom!”

“Who?” her mom asked.

“It's me, Yumi,” Yumi said. “Tell her to get out of the shower. She's making me late for college.” Her twin, Misa, walked out of the bathroom.

“Gotta dash!” their mom yelled. “Remember to make a packed lunch for Dai-kun!”

“No! Why don't you get Misa to?”

“Good luck at college! Remember to smile!” The door slammed shut. Yumi rolled her eyes and wandered into the bathroom.

“Fucking hell,” she muttered to herself. Yumi got undressed to her panties and got into the shower. She turned on the water on her hand

“You've used all the fucking water! Jesus! Shit!” she complained. Yumi grabbed a towel and covered her breasts. She stepped out of the bathroom to find Daisuke peeking in. Her face flushed red.

“Oh, for fuck's sake!” she shouted. Yumi kicked her brother in the side. “You little pervert!”

“Ow! Ow! Mama!” Daisuke yelled.

“She's gone to work, loser,” Yumi said. She kicked him in the side a few more times.

“Ow!” the little boy complained.

“Fucking hell!” Yumi complained. She marched down the hall to the room she shared with her twin.

“How many times are you gonna do that?” Yumi asked. “I need to wash my hair and you've…” She came in and found Misa sliding on a lacy black tack top. She turned around, smiling.

“I knew this top would look fucking bad-ass,” Misa said.

“It's mine,” Yumi said.

“Yeah. Aren't you glad I made you buy it?” Misa turned to the mirror and fixed up her short black hair. “Get dressed, though. We're gonna be late.” Yumi said down on the bed, frowning.

“I dunno where you got this thong, but it's cutting me in half,” Misa said.

“You could give it back,” Yumi said.

“Sorry, you know it doesn't look as good on you.” Misa turned when she heard a car honking outside. “Oh, there's Hideki-kun.” Yumi wondered, why do I put up with this?

“Hey, cutey!” Misa yelled out the window. “I'm just coming! Hooo!” She turned to her sister. “I'm telling you, cram college? First day? You need to get ready. Cos we're not waiting for you.” Yumi rolled her eyes as her sister walked out the door.

-------

Hideki waited outside as the twins and their brother walked out the front door.

“What about my packed lunch?” Daisuke asked.

“Fuck off,” Yumi said as she handed him a banana.

You shave your ass with Dad's Gillette Mach3,” her brother said. Yumi rolled her eyes as he ran off. Misa and Hideki stood kissing outside of the latter’s car.

-------

“So, Ken goes up the inside, right?” Hideki said behind the wheel as he drove the twins to school. I drop back to cover Yoji and Hiro. Took a one-two from Yu, he's gone, ‘Hideki!’ So I drag back over the ball. Looked up, chipped the center back Kon! Sambo's in on goal.”

“Sambo?” Yumi asked.

“Yeah, he's got a lovely sense of rhythm.” Hideki reached under Misa’s skirt. “Whoa! Where's your panties, girl?”

“That's for me to know and you to find out, Hideki-kun,” Misa said. Her boyfriend broke into laughter.

“Nice one! Nice one, yeah?” They broke into laughter as Yumi squirmed in discomfort in the back.

------

As soon as they pulled up to Tokyo Cram College, Misa and Hideki were making out. Misa pulled away, smiling.

“Score one for me, honey,” she said. “Bye, baby.”

“See you, Hideki,” Yumi muttered.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said. Yumi climbed out and tried to pull out her book bag. Hideki turned to the other twin.

“Yeah,” he said. “Renault Megane Coupe!”

“Fucking bag,” Yumi muttered.

“Here, Yumi? Yumi?”

“Yeah?”

“You oughta spruce up, yeah? Get some decent threads like Misa-chan. We're having a party in the Premier Travel Lodge on Thursday. Party fun, yeah? The lads, they love a twin thing, you know?”

Yumi frowned. “That's sweet of you, Hideki-san. Can I get back to you on that?”

“Yeah, yeah. Nice one.” He chuckled as she walked as away.

“Are you Ono Hideki? That hot soccer player?” a fan girl asked.

“Yup,” he said.

“My friend, Yoko, wants you to sign her tits.”

“Let me park up.”

“Your boyfriend's really hot,” one of Misa’s friends said.

“Yeah,” Misa said. “He's totally sexy. He took me to the Harajuku last week for surf, turf and shots.” Her friends all cooed.

“Oooh.”

“I love Ono Hideki.”

“Wow.”

“Nice.”

“Lush.”

“Foxy.”

“Oh, yeah, cute.”

“He's signing Hana's tits!”

“Bonkers!” Lilith said. She turned to Darcy and Nadine. “What's surf and turf, Dine?”

“Sex,” Nadine said, puffing out her cigarette.

“Wow!” Lilith said. “We'll have a whizzer time at this cram college, girls! I'm definitely going to have surf and turf, ASAP. Mum says boys only want one thing so my plan is give it to them, lots of times. That way I'll get good at it, be really popular and maybe my toes will stop throbbing.”

“Bye!” Misa’s friends said as she walked off. Misa turned around.

“Oh god damn it, Yumi,” she complained. “Come on, you loser! What's wrong with you? You're always lagging behind me. Why can't you wear decent clothes?”

“Oh,” Darcy murmured as she looked at Yumi. “Right, you hate her.”

“Who do I hate, Darcy?” Lilith asked.

“I'll let you know,” Darcy said. She and Nadine got up and walked inside.

“Cool,” Lilith said. The three girls walked inside.

“Let's get this party started,” Nadine said.

“You want a lollipop?” Lilith asked.

“No,” the girls said.

---------

The students filed into the gym and stood in place. Alex looked around for Darcy. He spotted her in the front row. She turned and smiled.

“She smiled at me,” BJ said. “Cool.”

“She, erm, didn't smile at you, BJ,” Alex said.

“I think you'll find she did. Mum was right. A lack of pubic hair isn't necessarily a drawback.”

“It is a drawback.”

“Girls are more interested in my character than my cock. That's just been proved.”

“She was not looking at you. Fuck me, you're blind.”

“On the contrary. My eyesight is keen.”

“Yeah?” Alex held up an open hand. “How many fingers am I holding up?”

“F…” BJ began to say before Alex smacked him in the face. “Ow! You always do that!”

“I've got so much cock hair I can backcomb it and use it like a lure,” James cut in.

“Nice,” a girl said. The boys looked up and saw Christine. James gave her a twisted smile.

“Like a Porcupine,”

“Right, you're all prick,” she said.

“Toosh.”

“You mean touche.”

“Probably.”

Christine stood next to him. “Tosser.”

“Nice,” James said. The doors opened and the staff walked into the gym. He broke into a smile

“Here we go,” James said.

“Welcome to Tokyo Cram College,” a pre-recorded voice said. “A meeting place for young people.”

“God help me,” one of the teachers muttered.

“Lovely kids, so full of energy. Makes you feel alive,” Yusuke said.

“They look like a right batch of fuckers to me,” another teacher muttered. A female teacher came around in front of Yusuke.

“If I suddenly get a bit flushed and short of breath, take over, would you, Yusuke-san?” she asked. The principal gave her a puzzled look.

“Why would you get flushed?” she asked.

“Just fucking do it, ok?!”

“No problem, flushed, right you are.”

The female teacher turned to the crowd. “Could I have your attention, please? Yes, we are starting. Excuse…”

Yusuke pulled out a whistle and a megaphone. He blew said whistle into the megaphone. “Attention! Pay attention, look you!”

“Thank you, Yusuke,” the female teacher whispered. She turned to the students. “Welcome to Tokyo Cream College. We are a designated four-star educational establishment under the “National We're All in It Together Initiative” leading to ultimate improvement status. Anyone who screws that up will be officially burnt at the stake.”

“And expelled,” Yusuke said.

“Yes, and expelled,” she said. “God help you all, you're gonna get some qualifications. Any questions?”

PFFRT! Giggles filled the room.

“Thank you,” she said. Now before I turn you over to your form tutors, I'd like to tell you something about the way in which we organize our…”

PFFRT! More laughing filled the room.

“Right! Very funny,” the lady teacher said. “This is a further education college, not a primary school.”

PFFRT! The whole room broke into laughter.

“Stop it! Stop it! I'll cut your balls off, you cheeky little turds! You hear me?” she said. The teacher cleared her throat.

“I do apologize,” Yusuke said. “I think I might be at fault. Too much rhubarb on my rice. Havoc.”

“Right,” she said.

“You are looking a little flushed. Do you want me to?”

“No! No. Just…” She took in a deep breath before turning back to the students. “Last year, we had some intolerable incidents so, I want to make this easy for you. The following will result in instant expulsion - smoking on the premises, setting fire to the premises, consumption of alcohol on the premises, consumption of drugs on the premises, consumption of pornography on the premises, teacher abuse, glue abuse, self-abuse, sexual intercourse with any other student, teacher or animal or combination of the above including oral sex and/or use of sex toys, on the premises.”

“That was nasty,” Yusuke muttered.

“Sato-san, our new head of communications,” the female teacher said, motioning the younger woman to her. “Miss Reedy is joining us from Where are you joining us from?”

“Um, I had some time off,” Sato-san said. “Seven years. It was stress-related but feeling a bit better now, hopefully.”

“Oh, Christ,” the older woman said as she turned and walked away.

“Form BD1, say your name, please, when I… Put your hands up, please, when I call your, erm, name,” Sato-san said, trembling. Another teacher sighed on stage.

“Suzuki Yumi?” Sato-san asked. Yumi raised her hand

“Suzuki Misa?” Sato-san asked. Misa raised her hand.

“Brian Jeremy Jones?” Sato-san asked.

“BJ, present,” BJ said as he raised his hand.

“James Murdock?”

“Yo!” James yelled. He and BJ high-fived.

“Darcy Williams?”

Darcy raised her hand. Cook made the soft sound of a gun shooting at her.

“Honda Ami? Kok Hyo-Jin?”

The girl in front raised her hand. The other female teacher rolled her eyes.

“I'm sorry, you're foreign,” Sato-san said. Alex Hall?

“Yes!” Alex said.

“Yes!” BJ said as he high-fived his friends.

“Takeshi Yayoi?”

“Yes! The integrity of the unit is preserved,” BJ said. “I'm still deeply unhappy with you, mind, on account of the unwarranted violence.”

“All right, I said I'm sorry,” Alex said.

“And Christine Kellogg?” Sato-san asked. Everyone broke out into laughter.

“Christine Kellogg?” Sato-san asked again. Yusuke pulled out his megaphone

“Christine Kellogg?!” he shouted.

“Fucking hell,” Christine muttered as she raised her hand.

“Hey, Christine,” James said, grinning. “Now I get it. You’re mental.”

“Only when I talk to wankers,” Christine said.

“Cool,” he said. “You gonna hit me with your shoe now, or?” Christine stuck up her middle finger.

“I like her,” Cook said, laughing. Christine happened to look over and notice the twins. She sighed and rolled her eyes.

“Oh, Christ,” she muttered. “Same fucking form.”

“Hey, babe?” James asked. “Babe? Babe? Babe? Babe?” Christine sighed and rolled her eyes.

“Sorry,” she said. “I'm not a babe!”

“No? Well, I'll be the judge of that,” he said.

“Shut up, James,” Alex said. “Sorry about him.”

“Listen, trying to break the ice,” James said. “Guess what I've got tattooed on my cock?”

“Jim,” Alex said.

“No, go on,” James said. “Guess. What would you say?” Christine raised her hand.

“Excuse me?” she asked.

“Yes?” the female teacher asked. “What is it?”

“The boy next to me is acting inappropriately.”

“How?”

“He wants to show me his tattoo and not in a nice way.”

“Right.” She marched over to him. “You!”

“Me?” James asked.

“Yes! Why don't you show us all your pathetic tattoo? We can wonder at its magnificent stupidity.”

“I don't think you'd like it,” James said.

“Right lad! Smartish!” Yusuke yelled over his megaphone. “You've had an instruction! Show her the tattoo, now!”

“All right,” James said. He undid his pants.

“Wait,” Alex said. “No, no, no! James, wait, no. Please, please!” Too late, down go his pants. Two big hands were drawn on his ass. The whole room broke into laughter.

“That is fuckin' impressive, so it is,” the male teacher said. Sato-san broke down and took off running.

“No, no, no, no, no! Let me out! Let me out! Don't make me stay!” she wailed. “Let me out!” She tried to open the door, but balls spilled out of the closet. James zipped up his jeans and smiled. Darcy and Nadine smiled back while Lilith sat with her mouth wide open.

“This is unacceptable!” the female teacher yelled. “Unacceptable! Silence. Silence! Silence! You, silence!”

PF-F-FFRT!

“I do apologize again,” Yusuke said.

---------

Alex and BJ waited outside the office.

“If I ever, ever see your face in this office again Get out! GET OUT! GET OUT!” the female teacher yelled from her office. James walked out like it was nothing. BJ and Alex followed behind.

“Did she expel you?” BJ asked.

“For what?” James asked.

“Well, getting your cock out in Assembly. I'm guessing, but it's possibly frowned upon. Even in the state sector.”

“She understood the bind I was in. I was doing what I was told.

“Very accommodating,” Alex said.

“Yeah, there was something about removing my bollocks with a monkey wrench if she ever saw them again,” James said. “I think we reached an understanding. Right, to business.”

“You mean education?” BJ asked.

“Women, BJ,” James said.

“Women? Um I mean, I feel like we might be I don't want to sort of run before I can walk Wow…” BJ said. They all stopped before they all saw a sea of women in the hallway, preparing for class.

“Girls!” BJ said. “There's a lot of them.”

“Yep,” Alex said.

“So much choice,” BJ said. “It's disconcerting.”

“No, it's just a matter of sorting out the wheat from the chavs,” James said. He spotted Darcy near a vending machine. “Ah, there we are. And the wolf shall lie down with the lamb.”

“You think she'd lie down with me?” BJ asked.

“No!” James and Alex said.

“Yeah? Well, that line is wrong and popularly misquoted,” BJ said. “It should read: 'The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, 'and the leopard shall lie down with the kid, 'and the lion and the calf together and a little child shall lead them.” Alex and James were busy staring at Darcy’s ass.

“Yeah,” Alex said. “We'll try and pick the bones out of that, B.”

“I could show her one of my magic tricks,” BJ said. “Dad says it's an ice-breaker.”

“Yeah? Let's try that out, then, before we go leaping in, and we can see who gets the fatted calf, right? OK,” James said.

“Yeah,” BJ said.

“You,” James said before he stopped a random girl in the hall. “Darling, my mate wants to try out his pick-up routine on you.”

“That OK? Hey,” BJ said. “Hi, I'm BJ. Pack of cards, nothing funny about them. Except one minute they're blue and…” Meanwhile, Alex made his way to Darcy at her locker.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” she said.

“You don't mind if I take this locker?”

“You can take anything if you want it enough.”

“Great. Everything's new and I suppose we should probably, like, you know, all get to know each other.”

“Why?”

“Well, um I dunno. You definitely looked at me this morning, twice. I just thought, you know, maybe we could get to know each other.”

“I look at lots of people. That doesn't mean I want to get to know them.” Darcy walked by him. Then, she paused and turned around. “Do you want me to want to get to know you?”

“I, er, I wouldn't mind,” Alex said.

“Thing is, they want to get to know me too.” She and him looked and saw James and BJ doing magic for that girl they stopped.

“They're just wankers,” Alex said.

“They're your best friends,” Darcy pointed out.

“Okay, so they're my best friends.”

“That makes it complicated.”

“I, um, I was hoping not.” He stuck out his hand. “I'm Freddie.” Darcy walked by him to her locker.

“Tell you what, Freddie,” she said. “Fill in a form.” She handed him a sheet of paper with a checklist on it.

“What's this?” he asked.

“A list of things we're not allowed to do,” Darcy said. “Like that head director said before your bestest mate got his cock out. I was gonna see if I could tick 'em all before the end of the day. But this is much more interesting. First one to fill that out gets to get to know me. And no cheating. I'll need evidence.”

“Okay,” Alex said as she walked away.

“Cos I wouldn't fuck a cheat.”

“Sorry?” He looked up, but she was gone. Alex looked at the list and gulped.

“Now watch very closely,” BJ said to the girl. “Oh! Where's it gone?” He reached behind James’ ear and pulled out a yen coin. “Presto! Presto! Put that away before I lose it.” BJ pulled out a wallet opened it to the flames. James laughed while the girl looked bored.

“Fuck me! Yes, that's alarming,” he said. BJ closed it up and put it away. “So I'll just Ha-ha! And the coup de grace. Prestissimo!” Water came out of his ears.

“Yeah! Magic! Question is, pet, does that make you want to give BJ a blowjob?” James asked. The girl gave him a blank stare.

“Excuse me, are you fucking deaf or something?” he asked.

“Yes, I am deaf,” her interpreter said. So why don't you give him a blowjob if you love him so much? Assholes, especially you.” The deaf girl pointed at James.

“Who are we speaking to here?” he asked.

“Yuri's lip reading,” the interpreter said. “I'm telling you what she says.”

“Right, right,” James said. “Cool.” He turned to BJ. “She's got tits like choccy Hob Nobs. I'd like to dunk 'em, suck 'em and lick off the love. I'm not sure Droopy, lardy arse. Bit spready, bit low slung. You get me?”

However, BJ noticed the interpreter signing to Yuri. His eyes widened.

“I think we've stumbled upon a flaw in your thinking,” he said. James turned and realized it too late.

“Listen I mean, wait,” he said. “Hang on.” Yuri kicked him right in the nuts. James went down hard.

“Presto,” the interpreter said. “You cunting small-balled arsehole bandit.”

“She may be deaf, she's also extremely rude,” BJ said as he helped his friend up.

“Yeah,” James said.

----------

Meanwhile, Darcy walked the halls. Lilith and Nadine caught up to her.

“I mean, OK, I'm totally useless and Mum says I have to do Hair & Beauty, but I'm good at Philosophy,” Lilith said. “I can't understand why I can't do Hair and Philosophy. You can't cos it turns out Hair & Beauty is one subject, not two. Blooming Nora, how mad is that?”

“It's inexplicable, Lilith,” Darcy said.

“Yeah, Inexplicable.” Then said paused. “What does inexplicable mean, Dar?”

“Can't explain.”

“All right! Suit yourself, then.”

Meanwhile, Misa watched them. When a cute by walked by, she stepped out in front.”

“Whoa!” he said.

“Hi, I'm Misa.”

“I'm Makoto and what do you know?” he asked. Darcy, Nadine, and Lilith walked up behind Misa.

“Hello! Who's your friend?” he asked.

“Lilith,” Lilith said, stepping forward. “Wow! You're a corker.”

“Thanks, um It's nice to I got to go,” Makoto said, looking past them. He quickly walked away.

“Strewth!” Lilith said. “Do you think he'd do surf and turf with me, Dine?”

“I'll ask,” Nadine said.

“Gotta go,” Nadine said. “Lesson one, practical skills. Filing our nails - handy! I'm Pandora. I'm useless.” She hurried off to class.

“Cute,” Misa said. “I'm Misa, that's my sister.” She pointed behind her at Yumi. The twin girl waved.

“Aren't you Darcy Williams? Haven't you got a really cool brother?” Misa asked.

“Yeah, he's cool,” Darcy said.

“All my friends liked him. I wasn't so interested. Didn't he go mental or something? Anyway I've got a boyfriend. He plays for Tokyo reserves.”

“Impressive.”

“Yeah. He's really sexy. Let's sit together. We can chat because, you know We're the best-looking in here, really. Sorry but we are. We should hang out. Definitely.” Misa happened to look down the hall and see Christine walking their way.

“Oh, no, here it comes,” she said. “Total lezzer bitch.” Christine and Yumi’s eyes met before the former came to a complete stop.

“Excuse me,” Christine said. Misa stepped aside and let her through.

“Like, don't talk to her,” Misa said. “She tried to kiss my sister in junior high. Pervy. Don't you think, Dar?” Right then, Christine came back.

“Watch out, Misa,” she said. “I might get confused and fuck you with my big strap-on by mistake.” Christine walked off.

“Muff-munching bitch,” Misa said. She turned to her sister. “Just jumped on you, didn't she?”

“Leave it, Misa,” Yumi said.

“Whatever,” her sister said. She turned back to Darcy. “Come on. We'll get the best seats, yeah?”

“So, you the doormat, then?” Darcy asked. Yumi froze.

“Sort of,” she said.

“Interesting, that you just put up with that.” Darcy walked into the classroom.

“Yeah,” Yumi said under her breath. She walked into class herself.

--------

“It's a challenging list,” James said. “You gotta give her that.”

“Sex in school,” Alex said. “Tricky.”

“Guys, we are now seven minutes - eight minutes late for form induction,” BJ said.

“Shut up, will you, BJ?” Alex asked. He looked at James “Do you think she's serious?”

“There's only one way to find out,” James said.

“Wait a minute, you're not gonna…

“I've already got 'teacher abuse' ticked.”

“And how! Your cock should not be that colour,” BJ said. James nudged Alex in the arm.

“The game is on, Alex,” he said. “You wanna play?”

“Don't be stupid,” his friend said.

“Tell you what, girls like Stupid,” James said. “Ain't you worked that out?”

“And McFly,” BJ said. “Girls like McFly.”

“She's a naughty, naughty little girl and I don't like to disappoint,” James said. He opened up what used to be Sid Wilson’s locker. He reached in and pulled out a black beanie. “Eh? Someone's left their shit in here.” He reached inside again and pulled out a porn magazine. “Yeah! Nice! Check this out! Oh, my god.”

“Cook, I'm not sure if that's legal!” BJ shouted. James looked through the pages.

“Oh, that's definitely not legal!” BJ yelped.

“Dunno who this Sid guy was but he's got fucking great taste in gash,” James said.

“I can't look!” BJ said. “Don't make me look! I have to look!” He took one peek. “Oh, holy shit! That's forbidden. Forbidden, verboten, interdit!

“BJ!” Alex shouted.

“Prohibido, prohibido!”

Alex slapped him in the face. “BJ! BJ!”

“I'm sorry. Was I getting locked on, there?”

“Locked on, BJ.”

“Okay. I'm all right. I'm fine. But can I just remind you, in a casual, non-locked-on way, that we're late? We're late, we're late, we're late!”

“BJ!” Alex shouted.

“Sorry,” BJ said. “I'm fine.”

“We going?” Alex asked.

“Hang on,” James said. He reached into his pocket. “Shoot me.”

“Huh?” Alex asked.

“The fucking camera. Go on.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out some matches as BJ took out his phone.

“Right, action.” He put a cigarette in his mouth with matches in his hand.

“James, what the fuck are you doing?” Alex asked.

“Action,” James said. “Do it, man!” He lights up a cigarette and pulls out into the camera. He stuffed into porn mag in his pants. He pulled out a bottle of sake.

“I was saving this for lunch but what the fuck?” James said. “Cheers!” He took a drink and spat it out. He poured the rest of the booze in the locker.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Alex asked. James tossed the lit cigarette into the locker.

“Whoa!” Alex said. “Fuck me.”

“Jesus!” BJ said. “Christ.” James tossed the magazine into the fire.

“Sorted,” he said.

“You are fucking mental,” Alex said. His crazy friend held out his arms.

“Mental is as mental does,” he said. “But we're late. Shall we? Let's go.” James walked down the hall. “Come on, run! The boys took off in the hall just as Yusuke and Sato-san came out.

“So, you see, they don't mean it,” Yusuke said. That's what you have to remember. They're just kids. Kids! Yes?”

“I, um, I suppose so,” Sato-san said. “They don't mean it.”

“Have you ever fallen off a horse?”

“Huh?”

“You have to drink your milk and get straight back on that horse. Okay? Back. Yes? Uggy, uggy, uggy!”

“What?”

“Kids. Cheeky, immature. Harmless. They can't hurt you. Okay?”

“Okay. They can't hurt me.”

“Good girl. Saddle up!” Yusuke stuck up his hand in the air, making Sato-san flinch. He lowered his head and sighed. She took a breath as he walked off. But then, she smelled smoke. Sato-san turned around and screamed when she saw the locker on fire.

---------

“Across firmly and round it off,” the teacher said repeatedly as she shaped her long red nail. “Across firmly and round it off. Across firmly and round it off.” Lilith was growing bored in class.

“Smooth the cuticle, push,” the teacher said. “Smooth the cuticle, push. Remember to breathe. Smooth the cuticle. Push. Smooth the cuticle. Push.” Lilith raised her hand.

“Yes,” the teacher said.

“I'm sorry,” Lilith said.

“We're filing. What is it?”

“Well, um, blimey this is fascinating. Mega fun. But the thing is I have to get out of here.”

“Sorry?”

Lilith took in a breath. “I have to go because I've got three super-duper zits coming on.” Her classmates gasped.

“They're likeproper seepers,”

“Oh, my God!” her classmates said.

“Yes, Go! Go! For God's sake go! Refresh and moisturize,” her teacher said. “Don't waste a second.”

“Yes,” Lilith said as she grabbed her things. “Refresh and I'm on it!” She ran out the door. The confused girl twirled around in the hall.

“Blooming 'eck, it's big out here,” she said. Lilith skipped to freedom down the hall.

-------

“Right,” another teacher said as he looked through the handbook. Um…. Now we've gotta Christ. Fuck it. Okay. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Um… Okay.” He closed up the handbook.

“Whatever We've gotta stand up, say our names and a unique fact about ourselves,” he said. “Right, I'll start. Christ.” The teacher rose to his feet.

“I'm Chiba and I hate being a fucking teacher,” he said. He pointed to a random student. “You.”

BJ stood up. “Um… I'm BJ and with regard to mathematic aptitude I'm in the top 0.3 percent of the population which is an interesting demographic statistic because paradoxically my communication, interpersonal and intuitive skills are towards the lower quartiles.”

“Yeah,” Chiba cut in. “You've stopped me in my fucking tracks there, yeah. You.”

Misa stood up. “I'm Misa. I've never not had a boyfriend since I was seven.”

“Congratulations. You.”

Yumi stood up. “I'm Misa. I've never had a boyfriend.”

“Shit happens. You.”

Christine stood up. “I'm Christine. I hate injustice. People tell lies about me.” She and Yumi made eyes at each other as Christine sat down

“You at the back,” Chiba said.

“I'm Shinobu. I'm gay.”

“Yup, good. You.”

“I'm Hiromi, and both my parents are artists.”

“Great, I'm very, very happy for you. What about you? With the bling.”

Darcy stood up. “I'm Darcy. And I think my mum's having an affair.”

“Good one. Shows enterprise. What about you, big man?”

Alex stood up. “I'm Alex. I met a girl I like today. She's like beautiful.” After a few seconds, he said, “that's it.” Darcy looked at him when he said that.

“That's it? That's your unique fact? That's just great,” Chiba said. “Fascinating, Alex, thank you for that. What about you?”

“I'm Hanako and I had miso for breakfast.

“Miso, that's product placement in my opinion. You there at the back beside the wee gay man?”

“My name's Yuki and seven members of my immediate family have been on Crimewatch.”

“Brilliant, what a year this is gonna be.”

Darcy looked at the list almost checked off. She looked and saw James sniffing a glue stick. He gave her a grin like the Joker. Darcy put up her hand

“Chiba?” she asked.

“Yes?” the teacher asked. Darcy lowered her hand.

“I'm feeling rather shit,” she said. “I think I need to go to the Nurse's office.”

“Oh, yeah? Okay, go on then. Right,” he said. Darcy got up and walked out the door.

“Where were we? Oh, stuff it,” Chiba said. “Let's just watch a DVD about Oh, Christ.How to Be Inclusive. Holy Mother of divine shite, who makes up this shit?”

“Actually, Chiba, I'm not feeling too well either,” James said. “My balls are aching. I might have to go and see that nurse.”

“Right! Bugger off then,” Chiba said.

“Cheers, Chiba.”

“See if she can laser Jordan off them.”

“Okay.” James grabbed the list as Alex frowned in discomfort.

“Right, how the fuck does this…” Chiba muttered. Lilith peeked into the door and opened it.

“Can I be in this class? I don't like mine,” she said.

“Why not? Make up the numbers,” Chiba said. “You doing some advanced levels?”

“One, please. Philosophy.”

“Okay, sit down. When you've worked out the point of living, come and fucking tell me.”

“Whizzer!” Lilith walked into the classroom, but frowned. “Where's Darcy?”

--------

James went to the nurse’s office and found Darcy sitting on the desk.

“They don't have a nurse,” she said. James pulled out his list.

“I just gotta get drugs,” he said. “And sex.” Darcy pulled out a joint as he closed the door. She took a puff and blew out smoke in his face. One kiss was all it took. They stripped down and James shoved everything off the desk. He threw her down on the desk and kept kissing her. Unfortunately, poor Sato-san who was sleeping in the next bed had the “pleasure” of listening to them screw.

“Grab my balls!” James shouted. “Grab my balls! Grab my balls!” Sato-san broke down, screaming.