Categories > Games > Undertale > Alphys VS Undyne
CHAPTER 2
Once Alphys had finally woken up, her and Undyne immediately went right back to arguing.
"Seriously, Alphys, you REALLY need to grow the fuck up!" Undyne warned Alphys.
"I need to grow the fuck up?!" Alphys retorted. "Undyne, for crying out loud, you're the one who fucking thinks that anime is real and always chews with her mouth wide open whenever we go out to eat together!"
"Oh YEAH?! Well...well...you're a fucking genderbent version of Francis from Super Paper Mario!" Undyne snapped back at her.
"Um, sorry to have to say this so loudly, but NO!" Alphys yelled at the top of her lungs, causing a volcanic rock avalanche that left a huge pile of rock debris blocking the front door to the lab.
"You see, the thing is...well, the thing is that unlike Francis, I'm actually a good fucking CHARACTER; trust me, if you ever met Francis, you would know." Alphys explained.
"HMPH!" Undyne sneered. "You might be a good character and all, but are you STRONG enough to dig through several tons of molten rock with your BARE HANDS?!" Undyne laughed, literally digging through the entire blockade with her bare hands while Alphys' jaw dropped in amazement.
"Well, okay, but still...STRONG does not necessarily mean the same thing as GOOD, you know!" Alphys pointed out, showing Undyne a Powerpoint presentation of all of the horrible, murderous atrocities that Chara had committed in the Genocide Run just for the sake of emphasis.
"Yeah, well...you're just a disgustingly overrated, no-life IDIOT who can't even do her fucking JOB properly! And also looks like a goddamned BOY while she's at it! Not to mention a freaking FATASS one at that!" Undyne snapped at her, shoving her irritatedly.
"Well then, tell me; WHY do you have such an amazingly intense freaking CRUSH on me?!" Alphys pointed out furiously, angered greatly by how incredibly dense Undyne could be at times.
"...you know what? I myself really don't know, but I just do for some reason. Honestly, I think it's mostly just because of how fucking CUTE you are!" Undyne sighed, rolling her eyes.
"Aww, thank you!" Alphys blushed and giggled, curling up into an adorably bespectacled little ball and cuddling with her pet Hamtaros (anime hamsters with chubby cheeks and beady, twinkly eyes).
"Still, though...YOU WANNA FREAKING GO, BITCH?!" Undyne yelled angrily at Alphys, raising her fists at her in preparation.
"Sure, why not?" Alphys sighed, nonchalantly walking over to where Undyne was standing and punching her in the nuts.
"OOO...let's just say you got me that time!" Undyne winced in pain, clutching her crotch and toppling over onto the floor in agony while Alphys racked her brain to come up with a solution to all of this madness.
"Look, we're literally sounding like a damned married couple right now, so here's what we're gonna do to sort all this shit out; we're gonna make a bunch of weird, made-up challenges, and whoever does the best in each of them, as decided by popular vote, wins!" Alphys explained.
"But...how is this even going to be broadcast on public television in the first place?" Undyne asked curiously, scratching her head.
"Magic, my friend; magic!" Alphys laughed, snorting a little as she patted Undyne reassuringly on the back.
"Alright, so first, let's see which one of us is better at ripping off classic cartoon intros!" Alphys suggested. "Let the games begin!"
ALPHYS' ENTRY
One day in Waterfall, Gaster quit his job and decided to just leave the smartest child he could find do his dirty work for him; of course, that child was Alphys, prompting the passage of time to then literally walk right up to her and punch her in the face.
"ALPHYYYS' MODDDERRRN LIFFFE!" Nice Cream Guy sang as Alphys grew into a teenager and got pelted from every which way with spitballs and dodgeballs until she fainted head-over-heels onto the ground from exhaustion, then was unceremoniously scraped off of the ground and crammed full of both scientific AND anime knowledge (yes, not one but TWO massive books literally stuffed directly into her head) by the suddenly God-sized hands of Gaster.
"ALPHYYYS' MODDDERRRN LIFFFE!" Nice Cream Guy sang yet again as Undyne suddenly appeared out of nowhere and ate the leftover earwax from Alphys' traumatic book-cramming experience, prompting her to then scoop Alphys up into her arms and cuddle her lovingly as one of Gaster's god-hands appeared yet again and flicked the both of them halfway across the Underground into Hotland, where they hit the hot boiling ground so hard that they literally melted into puddles of liquid; luckily, Asgore was standing right next to them, so he was somehow able to literally just stretch them back up into their former solid selves.
"GAAAHHH!" the three of them screamed their brains out as they suddenly saw Gaster chasing after them, prompting them to immediately take off running as fast as they could!
"ALPHYYYS' MODDDERRRN LIFFFE!" Nice Cream Guy sang yet AGAIN as the four of them ran past enormous living statues of Omega Flowey, Endogeny, Lemon Bread, Reaper Bird, Snowdrake's Mother and Father, and Memoryhead...all with very angry looks in their eyes.
"FUUU-HU-HU-HU-HUUU! THAT WAS INSANE!" Undyne laughed as her and Alphys and Asgore ran into the front door of a giant enormous television with the words ALPHYS' MODERN LIFE displayed on it, which then toppled over and crushed Gaster into a slimy eldritch pancake.
UNDYNE'S ENTRY
"Are you READY, monsters?" a painting of Alphys as a pirate asked the audience.
"AYE AYE, CAP'N!" the audience responded.
"I can't HEAR you!" Alphys teased them.
"AYE AYE, CAP'N!" the audience responded again.
"OOOOOOOOH...who lives in the scariest house underground? UNDYNE SPEARPANTS!" everyone sang as Undyne stepped out of her terrifying house and posed gallantly.
"Lascivious, brutish and rash all around! UNDYNE SPEARPANTS!" everyone continued singing as Undyne recklessly tore right through enormous armies of humans with her bare hands.
"If masculine nonsense is something you wish...UNDYNE SPEARPANTS!" everyone sang as Undyne suplexed the freaking Titanic directly into an atom bomb.
"If EVER you wanted to fuck with a fish...UNDYNE SPEARPANTS!" everyone sang as Undyne took her clothes off and collasped into her bed, landing on top of an equally naked Alphys.
"UNDYNE SPEARPANTS! UNDYNE SPEARPANTS! UNDYNE SPEARPANTS, UNNNDYYYNE SPEAR-PANNNTS!" Alphys sang repeatedly at the top of her lungs as Undyne cartwheeled all the way across the show's title and finally landed on top of a massive pile of rotting human corpses, whistling innocently as the wind ominously whispered her name.
Needless to say, Alphys definitely won that one...much to Undyne's chagrin.
"Now let's see which one of us can sing a better song about Mettaton!" Undyne suggested.
"Oh, believe me, you're on!" Alphys laughed arrogantly as the two of them marched right on over to Mettaton's theatre up at the very tip-top of Hotland.
UNDYNE'S ENTRY
"HEEERE...THERRRE...where-EVVVERRR YOU ARRRE...YOU WILL ALLLWAYYYS BE MY STAR! YOU MAKE LONG, MY DONG! STRONNNG...BRAAAVE...and SEXXXY TO BOOOT! METTA-TONNN ISSS MY WAIFU! MY WAIFU, FOR LIIIFFFEEE-UUU!" Undyne sang so ludicrously loudly and melodramatically that literally the entire audience ended up having to wear earphones to stop their brains from exploding with ham.
ALPHYS' ENTRY
"I'm nothing but a cold machine...who betrays everyone, everything! Though it's easy to pretend, I'm not a good person! I should have known better than to cheat Undyne, and waste the chance to fuck mermaid Reyn! So I'm never gonna plug again, the way you plugged me in!"
Alphys sang shockingly beautifully for someone with such a nasally voice, causing the entire audience to applaud her excitedly as Careless Whisper's world-famous sax solo came in.
Yet again, Alphys won by a long shot, causing Undyne's anger and jealousy to grow even further.
"All right, THAT'S IT! ALL OUT ON BOTH SIDES! Which one of us has a tougher boss battle?!" Undyne growled, immediately engaging in one-on-one combat with Alphys as both of them suddenly evolved into their hyper-upgraded Genocide super-forms.
ABOUT TWENTY TURNS LATER...
"DAMNIT! I've shot you with at least a MILLION freakin' laser beams, sent out the goddamned SPACE INVADERS on your ass, altered the flow of time in NUMEROUS ways, thrown you onto a freakin' DDR pad, tossed quite a few HIGHLY explosive bombs at you (often in CONJUNCTION with the freakin' laser beams, might I add), and even FLIRTED with you several times! Seriously, is there ANYTHING you can't freakin' HANDLE?!" Alphys NEO ranted furiously at Undyne The Undying, almost going full-on Super Saiyan with sheer uncondensed nerd rage.
"Uh...perhaps slide puzzles, I guess? I never was very good with those..." Undyne The Undying shrugged as she took yet another fierce, projectile-slinging swing at Alphys with her energy spear.
"OF COURSE! COLORED TILE PUZZLES! IT WAS SO FREAKING OBVIOUS!" Alphys NEO laughed maniacally. "Damnit, Undyne, why must you ALWAYS be so unbearably fucking stupid and dense as to give away literally all of your most CRIPPLING weaknesses during fights?!"
"Uh...because I can?" Undyne The Undying sighed as Alphys NEO summoned one of Mettaton's infamous colored tile puzzles onto Undyne The Undying's dodging field.
"GOD DAMN IT, WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS THIS SHIT?! I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ANY OF THESE STUPID FRICKING COLORS EVEN MEAN!" Undyne The Undying seethed with rage.
"Here's a rather helpful joke for you; ORANGE you glad that I put a whole bunch of totally-not-conspicuous orange tiles all over this puzzle?" Alphys NEO snickered. "Ahem...I really ought to reconsider my life choices, don't you think?" Alphys NEO shrugged regretfully, wanting to punch herself in the face as Undyne The Undying cluelessly stepped right onto the orange tiles.
"OH MY EVER-LOVING JESUS, YOU ACTUALLY FELL FOR IT! OH MY GOD, I LITERALLY CANNOT EVEN BELIEVE HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU ARE! OH, SWEET CHRIST, THIS IS JUST FUCKING HYSTERICAL!" Alphys rolled on the floor and cried laughing, wiping the tears from her eyes and blowing her stuffed nose loudly with a handkerchief as Undyne was mercilessly crushed in between Alphys' infamous death-walls of fire.
"GET DUNKED ON, BEE-YOTCH!" Alphys continued laughing as Undyne got a Game Over.
Once Alphys had finally woken up, her and Undyne immediately went right back to arguing.
"Seriously, Alphys, you REALLY need to grow the fuck up!" Undyne warned Alphys.
"I need to grow the fuck up?!" Alphys retorted. "Undyne, for crying out loud, you're the one who fucking thinks that anime is real and always chews with her mouth wide open whenever we go out to eat together!"
"Oh YEAH?! Well...well...you're a fucking genderbent version of Francis from Super Paper Mario!" Undyne snapped back at her.
"Um, sorry to have to say this so loudly, but NO!" Alphys yelled at the top of her lungs, causing a volcanic rock avalanche that left a huge pile of rock debris blocking the front door to the lab.
"You see, the thing is...well, the thing is that unlike Francis, I'm actually a good fucking CHARACTER; trust me, if you ever met Francis, you would know." Alphys explained.
"HMPH!" Undyne sneered. "You might be a good character and all, but are you STRONG enough to dig through several tons of molten rock with your BARE HANDS?!" Undyne laughed, literally digging through the entire blockade with her bare hands while Alphys' jaw dropped in amazement.
"Well, okay, but still...STRONG does not necessarily mean the same thing as GOOD, you know!" Alphys pointed out, showing Undyne a Powerpoint presentation of all of the horrible, murderous atrocities that Chara had committed in the Genocide Run just for the sake of emphasis.
"Yeah, well...you're just a disgustingly overrated, no-life IDIOT who can't even do her fucking JOB properly! And also looks like a goddamned BOY while she's at it! Not to mention a freaking FATASS one at that!" Undyne snapped at her, shoving her irritatedly.
"Well then, tell me; WHY do you have such an amazingly intense freaking CRUSH on me?!" Alphys pointed out furiously, angered greatly by how incredibly dense Undyne could be at times.
"...you know what? I myself really don't know, but I just do for some reason. Honestly, I think it's mostly just because of how fucking CUTE you are!" Undyne sighed, rolling her eyes.
"Aww, thank you!" Alphys blushed and giggled, curling up into an adorably bespectacled little ball and cuddling with her pet Hamtaros (anime hamsters with chubby cheeks and beady, twinkly eyes).
"Still, though...YOU WANNA FREAKING GO, BITCH?!" Undyne yelled angrily at Alphys, raising her fists at her in preparation.
"Sure, why not?" Alphys sighed, nonchalantly walking over to where Undyne was standing and punching her in the nuts.
"OOO...let's just say you got me that time!" Undyne winced in pain, clutching her crotch and toppling over onto the floor in agony while Alphys racked her brain to come up with a solution to all of this madness.
"Look, we're literally sounding like a damned married couple right now, so here's what we're gonna do to sort all this shit out; we're gonna make a bunch of weird, made-up challenges, and whoever does the best in each of them, as decided by popular vote, wins!" Alphys explained.
"But...how is this even going to be broadcast on public television in the first place?" Undyne asked curiously, scratching her head.
"Magic, my friend; magic!" Alphys laughed, snorting a little as she patted Undyne reassuringly on the back.
"Alright, so first, let's see which one of us is better at ripping off classic cartoon intros!" Alphys suggested. "Let the games begin!"
ALPHYS' ENTRY
One day in Waterfall, Gaster quit his job and decided to just leave the smartest child he could find do his dirty work for him; of course, that child was Alphys, prompting the passage of time to then literally walk right up to her and punch her in the face.
"ALPHYYYS' MODDDERRRN LIFFFE!" Nice Cream Guy sang as Alphys grew into a teenager and got pelted from every which way with spitballs and dodgeballs until she fainted head-over-heels onto the ground from exhaustion, then was unceremoniously scraped off of the ground and crammed full of both scientific AND anime knowledge (yes, not one but TWO massive books literally stuffed directly into her head) by the suddenly God-sized hands of Gaster.
"ALPHYYYS' MODDDERRRN LIFFFE!" Nice Cream Guy sang yet again as Undyne suddenly appeared out of nowhere and ate the leftover earwax from Alphys' traumatic book-cramming experience, prompting her to then scoop Alphys up into her arms and cuddle her lovingly as one of Gaster's god-hands appeared yet again and flicked the both of them halfway across the Underground into Hotland, where they hit the hot boiling ground so hard that they literally melted into puddles of liquid; luckily, Asgore was standing right next to them, so he was somehow able to literally just stretch them back up into their former solid selves.
"GAAAHHH!" the three of them screamed their brains out as they suddenly saw Gaster chasing after them, prompting them to immediately take off running as fast as they could!
"ALPHYYYS' MODDDERRRN LIFFFE!" Nice Cream Guy sang yet AGAIN as the four of them ran past enormous living statues of Omega Flowey, Endogeny, Lemon Bread, Reaper Bird, Snowdrake's Mother and Father, and Memoryhead...all with very angry looks in their eyes.
"FUUU-HU-HU-HU-HUUU! THAT WAS INSANE!" Undyne laughed as her and Alphys and Asgore ran into the front door of a giant enormous television with the words ALPHYS' MODERN LIFE displayed on it, which then toppled over and crushed Gaster into a slimy eldritch pancake.
UNDYNE'S ENTRY
"Are you READY, monsters?" a painting of Alphys as a pirate asked the audience.
"AYE AYE, CAP'N!" the audience responded.
"I can't HEAR you!" Alphys teased them.
"AYE AYE, CAP'N!" the audience responded again.
"OOOOOOOOH...who lives in the scariest house underground? UNDYNE SPEARPANTS!" everyone sang as Undyne stepped out of her terrifying house and posed gallantly.
"Lascivious, brutish and rash all around! UNDYNE SPEARPANTS!" everyone continued singing as Undyne recklessly tore right through enormous armies of humans with her bare hands.
"If masculine nonsense is something you wish...UNDYNE SPEARPANTS!" everyone sang as Undyne suplexed the freaking Titanic directly into an atom bomb.
"If EVER you wanted to fuck with a fish...UNDYNE SPEARPANTS!" everyone sang as Undyne took her clothes off and collasped into her bed, landing on top of an equally naked Alphys.
"UNDYNE SPEARPANTS! UNDYNE SPEARPANTS! UNDYNE SPEARPANTS, UNNNDYYYNE SPEAR-PANNNTS!" Alphys sang repeatedly at the top of her lungs as Undyne cartwheeled all the way across the show's title and finally landed on top of a massive pile of rotting human corpses, whistling innocently as the wind ominously whispered her name.
Needless to say, Alphys definitely won that one...much to Undyne's chagrin.
"Now let's see which one of us can sing a better song about Mettaton!" Undyne suggested.
"Oh, believe me, you're on!" Alphys laughed arrogantly as the two of them marched right on over to Mettaton's theatre up at the very tip-top of Hotland.
UNDYNE'S ENTRY
"HEEERE...THERRRE...where-EVVVERRR YOU ARRRE...YOU WILL ALLLWAYYYS BE MY STAR! YOU MAKE LONG, MY DONG! STRONNNG...BRAAAVE...and SEXXXY TO BOOOT! METTA-TONNN ISSS MY WAIFU! MY WAIFU, FOR LIIIFFFEEE-UUU!" Undyne sang so ludicrously loudly and melodramatically that literally the entire audience ended up having to wear earphones to stop their brains from exploding with ham.
ALPHYS' ENTRY
"I'm nothing but a cold machine...who betrays everyone, everything! Though it's easy to pretend, I'm not a good person! I should have known better than to cheat Undyne, and waste the chance to fuck mermaid Reyn! So I'm never gonna plug again, the way you plugged me in!"
Alphys sang shockingly beautifully for someone with such a nasally voice, causing the entire audience to applaud her excitedly as Careless Whisper's world-famous sax solo came in.
Yet again, Alphys won by a long shot, causing Undyne's anger and jealousy to grow even further.
"All right, THAT'S IT! ALL OUT ON BOTH SIDES! Which one of us has a tougher boss battle?!" Undyne growled, immediately engaging in one-on-one combat with Alphys as both of them suddenly evolved into their hyper-upgraded Genocide super-forms.
ABOUT TWENTY TURNS LATER...
"DAMNIT! I've shot you with at least a MILLION freakin' laser beams, sent out the goddamned SPACE INVADERS on your ass, altered the flow of time in NUMEROUS ways, thrown you onto a freakin' DDR pad, tossed quite a few HIGHLY explosive bombs at you (often in CONJUNCTION with the freakin' laser beams, might I add), and even FLIRTED with you several times! Seriously, is there ANYTHING you can't freakin' HANDLE?!" Alphys NEO ranted furiously at Undyne The Undying, almost going full-on Super Saiyan with sheer uncondensed nerd rage.
"Uh...perhaps slide puzzles, I guess? I never was very good with those..." Undyne The Undying shrugged as she took yet another fierce, projectile-slinging swing at Alphys with her energy spear.
"OF COURSE! COLORED TILE PUZZLES! IT WAS SO FREAKING OBVIOUS!" Alphys NEO laughed maniacally. "Damnit, Undyne, why must you ALWAYS be so unbearably fucking stupid and dense as to give away literally all of your most CRIPPLING weaknesses during fights?!"
"Uh...because I can?" Undyne The Undying sighed as Alphys NEO summoned one of Mettaton's infamous colored tile puzzles onto Undyne The Undying's dodging field.
"GOD DAMN IT, WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS THIS SHIT?! I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ANY OF THESE STUPID FRICKING COLORS EVEN MEAN!" Undyne The Undying seethed with rage.
"Here's a rather helpful joke for you; ORANGE you glad that I put a whole bunch of totally-not-conspicuous orange tiles all over this puzzle?" Alphys NEO snickered. "Ahem...I really ought to reconsider my life choices, don't you think?" Alphys NEO shrugged regretfully, wanting to punch herself in the face as Undyne The Undying cluelessly stepped right onto the orange tiles.
"OH MY EVER-LOVING JESUS, YOU ACTUALLY FELL FOR IT! OH MY GOD, I LITERALLY CANNOT EVEN BELIEVE HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU ARE! OH, SWEET CHRIST, THIS IS JUST FUCKING HYSTERICAL!" Alphys rolled on the floor and cried laughing, wiping the tears from her eyes and blowing her stuffed nose loudly with a handkerchief as Undyne was mercilessly crushed in between Alphys' infamous death-walls of fire.
"GET DUNKED ON, BEE-YOTCH!" Alphys continued laughing as Undyne got a Game Over.
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