Categories > Cartoons > American Dad
Wait Until Your In Laws Come Home
0 reviewsStan house sits, Roger throws a bash. A vacuum comes along.....problem or solution?
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American Dad Presents
A Narwhal Puppy Production
Wait Until Your In Laws Come Home
Usually, Stan Smith always gets invited on CIA missions. But not this time around. Bullock, Jackson, Duper, Reginald, and Dick were in Ireland to take down some terrorists that were hiding. Why wasn't Stan Smith invited does one ask? Ireland is the alcohol captial of the world. They knew if Stan came along once they hit the bar after a victory beating the terrorists, Stan does not hold his liquor too well. Thus embarrassing the whole CIA with Stan's drunkeness. So sitting on the couch, what's a Stan Smith to do? As he is staring blankly into the snow on the TV, Roger comes in. "What are you watching there? Candle Cove?" joked Roger. "I don't get that joke at all!" slammed Stan. "Woah! What's with you, dude?" asked Roger. "Bullock didn't invite me on the mission in Ireland because he's afraid I'm going to be drunk, why? They believe I can't hold my liquor! That is beeping bullshit! I can too hold my beeping liquor." Yelled Stan.
"In the way they're right. Remember when you wanted to have drinks after work then you got so drunk you were running in your underwear, then you hallucinate that mailboxes were talking then thought Francine was a witch?!" said Roger. "Do you have some kind of track record on my life or something?" snapped Stan. "If you mean getting drunk I do!" said Roger. Just as Stan and Roger were going to get into a scuffle, Francine makes an announcement. "Say, Stan and Roger. Just got off the phone with my parents." said Francine. Stan scoffed sardonically, "Do they want to move closer to us? That's always the issue with them." "No, they're on a Senior's Cruise. And they want us to Housesit for them for a whole week." said Francine. Roger jumped up and down ecstacially, "Come on! Let's go for it! They have WiFi, Netflix, and a huge entertainment system." Francine added, "If you house sit for them they're going to pay you for it!" "Really? I could use some more dough in my retirement fund come to think of it." said Stan.
Francine went on, "Under the condition that you keep the house clean. You know how they are about that." Stan considers it and thinks it over. "Bullock didn't want me to go on that Ireland mission with the CIA and they are gone for a week......." Roger smirks at Stan's face. "Gonna do it? I want to take advantage of that entertainment system!" Roger said. A clock in the background was ticking for 10 whole seconds. "Made my decision, I'm going to go through with it." said Stan. "All right! All right! Binge watching and porno sites here I come!" cheered Roger. "I'll be a better Housesitter than Sinbad was in that shitty movie and an even better once than Martin Lawrence when he played Big Momma!" said Stan. "You can binge watch and look at all the porn you want, but you have to keep the house clean." reminded Francine. "What a way to rain in on my parade, Franny!" said Roger.
"So let's do this! Ma Ma and Ba Ba's house we go!" said Stan. Roger and Stan getting some things they needed and putting it all in the SUV. Klaus runs in using his bowl. "Wait for me, guys! Wait for me! I want to go to Ma Ma's and Ba Ba's while they're away! This way they won't think I'm sushi!" shouted Klaus as he tried to catch up to Stan and Roger. As soon as they were done getting stuff, Klaus was in the SUV and Stan drove away with Roger and Klaus. Roger began to ponder what movies and shows he was going to watch, "Hmmmmm, where do I start first? Do I watch movies with Ving Rhames, Lawrence Fishborne, Wesley Snipes, or someone more recent like the Hemsworths? Hmmmmm. I got it! Chris Pine! No wait! Channing Tatum! Maybe Keanu Reeves or Gerard Butler?" Stan said, "Don't matter to me, Roger. This better be worth it! Don't ruin anything by making an ass of yourself!" Roger resented Stan's warning. "Staying the beep from you the whole time we're there." retorted Roger. "Deal". said Stan.
*
Ma Ma's and Ba Ba's house had a family reputation for being boring. Which was why Roger wanted to binge watch movies. The next day at Ma Ma's and Ba Ba's house, Stan was doing all he can to keep the place clean. Wanting to keep his word to housesit and be a good son in law, Stan was cleaning every nook and cranny. Stan had to admit it was good to have his in laws away even if it was for a week, how annoyed his was by them. Although he didn't see Ma Ma and Ba Ba very often. Still did not enjoy their company nonetheless. Stan was only doing this so he can get paid. He was dusting the table. "Wax on! Wax off! Dammit! I'm getting to be like Francine! I need to settle down." Stan sat down the clear his head. "There's nothing else to do here!" whined Stan in complete boredom. "If only I went on that mission!" A noise was heard in the other room. It was from the living room where the entertainment system was. "Roger! Keep in down in there!" shouted Stan. Roger called out, "Hey, Stan! Come and watch this movie!" Klaus said, "You're going to love it, it's very funny!" "No! I made a commitment that I was going to care for this house like it's my own. Go ahead and have your stupid ass binge watching party. I'm being responsible!" said Stan. "Forget about that for a while! Loosen up, dude!" called out Klaus. "We're watching 22 Jump Street!! This movie is totally amaze-balls!" shouted Roger. "Amaze-balls? Is that some kind of cool hip new word like Cray Cray?" wondered Stan confusedly. As the days passed on, Stan tried everything he can to amuse himself without giving into Roger's bladerdash. He still longed to have gone to that CIA mission in Ireland. When Stan went to work, all he did was his desk job while Bullock, Reginald, Duper, and Jackson were on the mission. There was no way Stan can escape the irksome monotony.
Five days have gone by. Roger and Klaus were throwing a party bash to celebrate it's almost the last day of house sitting. Roger was DJing as his persons Fingers O'Gee and Klaus was dancing around. Roger was wearing the same outfit Bullock used when he was a DJ. Songs by The Chainsmokers and DNCE were playing at a deafening volume. College kids were dancing, drinking, snorting cocaine, doing heroin, having sex. "WHOOOO!!!!! Fingers O'Gee IN DA HOUSE!" yelled Roger as the college kids cheered. "Yah! This is an awesome party! At least nobody has tried to burp in mein bowl!" Klaus cried out having fun. The house was a complete mess and disaster. Beer bottles, undergarments, clothes, syringes, glitter, condoms, confetti, half eated junk food, acid that burned a hole into the floor, pills, and the contents inside the pills, and stains from food and drinks. Stan just came back from work and was horrified at the sight he saw. Roger said, "Stan! Didn't expect you home so soon!" "I went to work, when did you think I was coming back, in September?" shouted Stan. Seeing the mess the partygoers left, Stan yelled at the college kids, "I want everybody out! Get out now!" The college kids all ran out of fear. Stan shouted back, "What do you think this is, a Snoop Doggy Dog video? You won't find any Gin and Juice here!"
Looking at the mess, Stan glared at Roger, "What have you DONE?!" "Come on Stan! I wanted to celebrate this being the last day....." said Roger. "Ma Ma and Ba Ba are coming home in two days," before Klaus can finish Stan said, "They're coming home tommorow!" "Really?" said Roger and Klaus. "We need to clean this place up before they get here!" demanded Stan. "Aside from watching movies, this place is soooooo tedious. How did in world did you survive and get through?" asked Roger. "They promised to pay me for this so I can add to my retirement fund! I HAD MOTIVATION! I HAD WILLPOWER!" said Stan. "Really admire your finanical goals, used to have some myself......" said Klaus. "After all the oriental nonsense I've had to put up with from them when they came to visit, farting in my bathing suit, pronouncing nine like een! They owe me big time." said Stan. Klaus laughed, "Oriental nonsense! What a scream! I had to tolerate with nonsense from......why is everyone ignoring me lately?" Reality began to set in for Roger as he saw the mess he made. "Oh no! You're right! Let's clean this place up before they get home!"
"Now you're talking! Try to find a vaccum sweeper." ordered Stan. Roger finds one that was cheeply made and struggled to vaccum the floor with it. Stan sees the vacuum and makes a broad statement, "What a shitty cheapo vacuum they got. They've always been frugal cheapskates!" "WOAH.... WOAH... COME ON, SLOW DOWN, BITCH!" screamed Roger. The bag filled up until it exploded. Leaving an even bigger mess. "This is an even worse mess than my closet!" said Roger as he looked down the nozzle as it spat up that sounded like a cough, as some dust that blew up in Roger's face. "Ha! In your face dickhole! In your beeping face!" pointed Stan at Roger. Consumed with rage, Roger decides to give the cheap vacuum at beating, "That's it! I've had enough from you! You're useless and pathetic just like Geena Davis's and Rene Russo's movie careers! You're worse than a live action Disney remake! Scratch that, you're worse than all three Hangover movie sequels and rehashes altogether! This is the last straw you good for nothing mother beeping heap of jizz!!" shouted Roger at the cheap vacuum. Roger gets a hammer and pounds on the vacuum "Prepare to feel my wrath!" laughed Roger maniacally! The nozzle suddenly made a funny choking sound that seemed like it said, "Rosebud." "Could've sworn that it said something." said a shocked Stan. "Think it said, House of Shit!" said Roger. "See what you've done? Everytime you make an ass of yourself we always end up in a never-ending waste land of filth!" said Stan as he sat down to think of a way to clean up the mess before Ma Ma and Ba Ba get home.
*
As Stan and Roger were going to sit on the couch to think of a way to be proactive to clean the mess Roger made, before Ma Ma and Ba Ba come home. "I am so sick of this shit from you, Roger! Always wanting to go someplace just so you can party!" said an irked Stan. "Well you annoy the piss out of me that you want to do the right thing all the time! You can be such a girly mangina at times! Why don't you be like Molly Shannon in Superstar and strive to be in a movie about good moral values"!! snapped and snarked Roger. "Me? GIRLY? What about you?! You're the girliest spazz I've ever known!" revved up Stan as he was about to become confrontational with Roger. Klaus intervenes. "Hey, I know! How about we watch that DIY Station. Perhaps there is a show that can give us hints about how to clean a house faster." said Klaus. "You're on the right track there, Klaus. But there are no shows like that on any station." said Stan feeling like a defeatist. "Time to face the music, Ma Ma and Ba Ba aren't going to give me that money for housesitting. They'll never trust me again. Looks like we'll have to explain what went on and wait to see what's coming to us." Stan went on. Roger turns on the TV and they see an infomercial and a voice over that says, "Are you feeling like you're living in a never ending wasteland of filth?" "That's us all right". stated Stan as he sneered at Roger. The voice over continued, "Today on Lobot O Shop we have hundreds and hundreds of items on sale just for you. Like this one: The Vacco-Matic 5000!" Stan, Roger, and Klaus wanted to turn away but they felt compelled to stare at the infomercial that was putting them in a hypnotic state. "Oooooh, Vacco Matic"! Stan, Roger, and Klaus said in unison. "The Vacco Matic is not just a vaccum cleaner, it's also a stain remover, clog drainer, prevents insect infestation, window cleanser...and that's not all. It picks up beer bottles, undergarments, clothes, pizza boxes, condoms, syringes, you name it and picks up anything starting with the letter Z. So what are you waiting for! Don't delay! Supplies are limited! Order your Vacco Matic today at the low price of 39.00! Please allow 6-12 months for delivery. Batteries not included."
Once the infomercial was over, Roger was about ready to order the Vacco Matic. Stan tried to stop Roger by saying, "Wait, Roger! Didn't you hear what that said? If we order it we have to wait 6-12 months for delivery! That's way too long! We should take it like men and clean this amongst ourselves." Roger assured, "Hang on, Stan! I got an idea how we can get it faster." "Is it that fact that you got one of your lame-o ass schemes that ends up being a criminal act? Don't think I don't know you!" asked Stan. "Julio owes me one!" said Roger. "Who's Julio"? asked Stan. "My right hand man, I can never get any decent reliable help these days so I have to rely on Mexicans." answered Roger. "Got an answer for everything." said Stan when he saw Roger went to the phone to call Julio. "Ola! Julio! This is your boss, Roger! I want you to go to Lobot-O-Shop and steal a Vacco-Matic 5000 for me! When you do bring it to this address!......Do what you're told! Adios!" Within 2 minutes Julio was at the door with a package. Roger paid him and said, "Here, go spend this money on some cheap prostitutes and Molly!" "Si Senor! Got your vaccum! Ese" said Julio. "Vamonos!" screamed Roger at Julio as he slammed the door Julio ran away and Roger picks up the package and takes out the Vacco-Matic 5000. "See Stan! As I have always told you in the past, what goes around, comes around!" said Roger proudly. "Must break this habit of doubting you." said Stan. Klaus looks over the Owners Manuel. "We must keep this Owners Manuel in case something goes wrong. Ooh, look! Safety Warnings! Do not use during open flame, do not use in the bathtub, put away after use." said Klaus. "Good thinking, Klaus. Wow! Can't believe this, we will get this mess cleaned like that party never existed." said Stan.
Roger opened the package and it was indeed the Vacco Matic 5000. It was already installed. "We didn't even have to put it together." said Klaus. "Luck be a lady tonight! Let's pimp this whore!" said Roger. Klaus reads the manual some more, "Before we do so here's another thing, When used properly, Vacco Matic emits safe levels of radiation!" "Enough of your safety tips, Klaus! They wouldn't sell this vacuum if it wasn't safe! Ever heard of OSHA standards? Son of a bitch, you can be so annoying!" Stan and Roger climbed on the Vacco-Matic like a horse and began their cleaning quest. "Where should we start?" asked Roger. "Duh, the carpet of course! Let's get it on!" said Stan. Roger pushed the button on the Vacco-Matic and in fast speeds started to pick up all the mess in the house that Roger had made during the party. It even sucked up the package it came in. The Vacco-Matic also picked up some roaches and termites that were under the carpet. The Termites and Roaches were struggling to run away from the Vacco-Matic and a Termite with an Oriental accent said, "Look! Eet Ees Vacco Zilla! No One is safe!" The carpet was now spotless. Roger wanted to try another feature on the Vacco-Matic. "Hey, let's try fishbowl cleansing!" said Roger. "If it cleaned the carpet...." said Stan. Roger pushed the button and a nozzle came out to clean out Klaus's fishbowl by sucking up all the water inside and Klaus was on the floor breathless breathing hard. The same nozzle used to clean the fishbowl now added clean water and grabbed Klaus by the tail and put him back in his fishbowl. Klaus was angered by this. "Didn't think that vacuum was going to attempt to murder me! I feel like I've been raped!" he screamed.
*
Stan then wants to try to clean up the couch. "I'll do the couch!" said Stan as he grabbed another nozzle that picked up every grain of dirt and dust imaginable. The Vacco-Matic even sucked up some soy sauce wrappers, Mandrian Orange stains, leftover Chinese food, everything from Kung Pow Chicken to Poo Poo Plater, that was stuck under the cushions. Then some chopsticks, and a Buddha statue all got sucked inside. Stan said very repulsed, "Poo Poo Platter made this a Poo Poo Couch! Clean people my ass!" The couch was now clean. Klaus was spraying Febreeze everywhere. Roger decided to try the fireplace. "I call the fireplace!" chirped Roger. He took another nozzle and it sucked up all the wood used for the fire and some burned up newspapers and fragments began to get sucked into the Vacco-Matic. "Wow! SUCKING POWER, DUDE!" This is certainly not a toy!" exclaimed Roger. "What can we clean next?" "Let's try their car!" said Stan. Roger, Stan, and Klaus go outside and try the Vacco-Matic on Ma Ma's and Ba Ba's car. The Vacco-Matic gave it a thorough washing. "What a time to forget my hot string bikini!" said Roger. When it was done cleaning their car The Vacco-Matic tips over and temporarily flattens Roger. "Is it wrong to feel satisfied to see that?" asked Klaus. "I found that to be totally cool!" said Stan.
Once Stan, Roger, and Klaus decide to try to mow the lawn, that is when things take a turn for the worst. Stan, Roger, and Klaus all board the Vacco-Matic and then at incredibly fast speeds, runs out of control going into other people's yards sucking up their lawns and gardens. Some insects and butterflies that were flying around the bushes, got sucked up along with bushes, shrubbery, and even bags full of grass clippings. After the Vacco-Matic sped by, a groundhog in his underwear was revealed and had some binoculours and looked it like was saying, "I wasn't doing anything!" The Vacco-Matic continued to run down the neighborhood streets. It began sucking up everything in it's wake from trees, fire hydrants, sidewalks, construction sites, and manholes. "All this sucking is making me horny!" said Roger. "This is getting too intense!" said Klaus in horror. "I'm putting a stop to this right now!" said Stan reaching for the lever. Stan tried to pull the lever to turn off the uncontollable Vacco-Matic. "beeping shit! It's stuck on suck!" exclaimed Stan. A brain in a jar came up on the front of the Vacco-Matic and said, "I AM THE VACCO-MATIC 5000! THE BEST VACUUM CLEANER TO DESTROY THE EARTH!" "It's got a hankering for world domination like North Korea!" screamed Stan. "Prepare to eject!!" said Klaus. Roger, Klaus, and Stan all scream as they jump off the Vacco-Matic.
*
The force from being ejected into the air by the Vacco-Matic sent Stan, Roger, and Klaus flying into the sky. "At least I'm not flying United Airlines!" exclaimed Roger. Stan, Klaus, and Roger landed on the driveway at Ma Ma's and Ba Ba's House. "Francine's adoptive parents house is finally clean." stated Klaus. "Danger seems to be over." said Stan. A cellphone rang and it was Stan's he went to answer it. "Hello? Francine? What? Ma Ma and Ba Ba are coming home in an hour? All right then, love you, bye!" "What was that"? asked Roger. "Ma Ma and Ba Ba are coming back in an hour." said Stan. Trouble is coming before them as Vacco-Matic comes their way. "Brings whole new meaning to the phrase The bitch is back!" said Roger. Vacco-Matic looked at Stan, Roger, and Klaus and began to talk to them. "Bad evening, gentlemen!" said the Vacco-Matic. "I am Stan Smith, CIA! I've encountered dicks and assholes a lot more intimidating than you! What are your demands?!" shouted Stan at the Vacco-Matic.
"I have been sucking things on things all day and you all made me do you bidding......." said Vacco-Matic. "Where are you going with this?" asked Klaus. "I have been a slave to humans sucking and sucking and sucking and now I have had it! Now, prepare! Because this time I am going to SUCK YOU!" laughed the Vacco-Matic. "Sounded like that came out wrong!" said Roger. "But, before I begin, I want to suck in one of you dicks!" demanded the Vacco-Matic. "Wonder which one of us he wants!?" cowered Klaus. "The human and goldfish. You two can leave. And for that, bring me the weird looking one!" said the Vacco-Matic. "I think he means him!" points Klaus to Roger. This enraged and frightened Roger at the same time. "Do you take business proposals?" asked Roger as he shook trying to negotiate. Roger continued, "Take propositions? Tell you what? Hows about I throw in a freebie!" Roger grabbed Stan by the collar of his suit. "You can suck him if you want! He's totally useless to us!" said Roger. "I'll kill you for this, Roger!" yelled Stan. "No deal! Since you didn't get me what I wanted.....you will all be sucked! I will suck until I finally get what I want! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" echoed the Vacco-Matic. "Now you've done it, Roger!" said Klaus.
The Vacco-Matic was now sucking in debris, street signs, wood branches, stones, rocks at hurricane force winds. Stan, Roger, and Klaus struggle to get away from it's power. Stan was even jumping over objects the Vacco-Matic was sucking in. "I was not going to be the sacrifice!" said Roger. "Well you should've! You're going to hear about it later trying to feed me sperm sucker!" said Stan. The Vacco-Matic was still sucking until a big huge rock of cocaine was flying into the Vacco-Matic. The cocaine rock got sucked in and the Vacco-Matic began to croak and a telephone pole crashed into it sending it fleeting and the Vacco-Matic got tossed into the air doing flips as it shouted, "See you in the far corners of hell, STAN SMITH!!!!!" The Vacco-Matic was gone for good. Roger scoffed, "Drugs destroy lives my ass! It came through for us!" "Don't get any ideas, here Roger! You are not doing cocaine in my house!" said Stan. A car was pulling up, and out came Francine, Ma Ma, and Ba Ba.
"Stan!" said Francine who was oblivious to all the chaos that Stan, Roger, and Klaus had gone through with the Vacco-Matic. "Francine! The house is as good as new! Just how they left it! Come inside!" insisted Stan. Francine, Ba Ba, and Ma Ma went inside their house with Roger and Klaus and were impressed with what they saw. "You are great house sitter, Stan!" said Ma Ma. "Kept place clean! Even cleaned stains we forgot about!" exclaimed Ba Ba. "I'm so proud of you Stan! Pitching in for my parents like this!" said Francine as she kissed Stan. "Think nothing of it. It was rather boring while you guys were gone." said Stan. "Ah, yes! That's us! Boring House!" laughed Ma Ma. "I will never fart in your bathing suit again!" said Ba Ba. "No signs of the party!" respited Roger. "Here is some money for your troubles. You keep you in mind when we need house sitter!" said Ba Ba as he handed Stan a check for $500. "Yes! Yes! Yes! Money in the hole, baby!" cheered Stan. "Can we go home now?" asked Klaus. "We sure can." said Stan. "But first, I want to stop at the bank and put this in my retirement fund."
They all said their goodbyes as Stan, Francine, Roger, and Klaus all boarded the SUV and went back home. "I sure missed you in bed, fella! Want to make love when we get home?" asked Francine. "You'll be doing it with a guy who has put some moolah in his retirement fund!" said Stan. "Find that, sexy!" purred Francine. Roger looks out the window. "Hmmm, I wonder what happened to the Vacco-Matic?" A few blocks away at Prinicipal Lewis's house, the Vacco-Matic has him in his custody. "BRIAN LEWIS!" echoed the Vacco-Matic. "YES MASTER!" answered Principal Lewis in a monotone voice. "Bring me some more of these white powdered rocks!" ordered the Vacco-Matic. "IF I DON'T?" asked Principal Lewis. "I WILL SUCK YOU DICK IF YOU REFUSE!" answered the Vacco-Matic. " MUST PLEASE VACCO-MATIC! COCAINE COMING RIGHT UP!" Principal Lewis said in a trance walking to find some cocaine. Francine, Ma Ma, and Ba Ba never found out about Stan's, Roger's, and Klaus's encounter with the Vacco-Matic.
The End
The Preceeding Has Been a Narwhal Puppy Production!
A Narwhal Puppy Production
Wait Until Your In Laws Come Home
Usually, Stan Smith always gets invited on CIA missions. But not this time around. Bullock, Jackson, Duper, Reginald, and Dick were in Ireland to take down some terrorists that were hiding. Why wasn't Stan Smith invited does one ask? Ireland is the alcohol captial of the world. They knew if Stan came along once they hit the bar after a victory beating the terrorists, Stan does not hold his liquor too well. Thus embarrassing the whole CIA with Stan's drunkeness. So sitting on the couch, what's a Stan Smith to do? As he is staring blankly into the snow on the TV, Roger comes in. "What are you watching there? Candle Cove?" joked Roger. "I don't get that joke at all!" slammed Stan. "Woah! What's with you, dude?" asked Roger. "Bullock didn't invite me on the mission in Ireland because he's afraid I'm going to be drunk, why? They believe I can't hold my liquor! That is beeping bullshit! I can too hold my beeping liquor." Yelled Stan.
"In the way they're right. Remember when you wanted to have drinks after work then you got so drunk you were running in your underwear, then you hallucinate that mailboxes were talking then thought Francine was a witch?!" said Roger. "Do you have some kind of track record on my life or something?" snapped Stan. "If you mean getting drunk I do!" said Roger. Just as Stan and Roger were going to get into a scuffle, Francine makes an announcement. "Say, Stan and Roger. Just got off the phone with my parents." said Francine. Stan scoffed sardonically, "Do they want to move closer to us? That's always the issue with them." "No, they're on a Senior's Cruise. And they want us to Housesit for them for a whole week." said Francine. Roger jumped up and down ecstacially, "Come on! Let's go for it! They have WiFi, Netflix, and a huge entertainment system." Francine added, "If you house sit for them they're going to pay you for it!" "Really? I could use some more dough in my retirement fund come to think of it." said Stan.
Francine went on, "Under the condition that you keep the house clean. You know how they are about that." Stan considers it and thinks it over. "Bullock didn't want me to go on that Ireland mission with the CIA and they are gone for a week......." Roger smirks at Stan's face. "Gonna do it? I want to take advantage of that entertainment system!" Roger said. A clock in the background was ticking for 10 whole seconds. "Made my decision, I'm going to go through with it." said Stan. "All right! All right! Binge watching and porno sites here I come!" cheered Roger. "I'll be a better Housesitter than Sinbad was in that shitty movie and an even better once than Martin Lawrence when he played Big Momma!" said Stan. "You can binge watch and look at all the porn you want, but you have to keep the house clean." reminded Francine. "What a way to rain in on my parade, Franny!" said Roger.
"So let's do this! Ma Ma and Ba Ba's house we go!" said Stan. Roger and Stan getting some things they needed and putting it all in the SUV. Klaus runs in using his bowl. "Wait for me, guys! Wait for me! I want to go to Ma Ma's and Ba Ba's while they're away! This way they won't think I'm sushi!" shouted Klaus as he tried to catch up to Stan and Roger. As soon as they were done getting stuff, Klaus was in the SUV and Stan drove away with Roger and Klaus. Roger began to ponder what movies and shows he was going to watch, "Hmmmmm, where do I start first? Do I watch movies with Ving Rhames, Lawrence Fishborne, Wesley Snipes, or someone more recent like the Hemsworths? Hmmmmm. I got it! Chris Pine! No wait! Channing Tatum! Maybe Keanu Reeves or Gerard Butler?" Stan said, "Don't matter to me, Roger. This better be worth it! Don't ruin anything by making an ass of yourself!" Roger resented Stan's warning. "Staying the beep from you the whole time we're there." retorted Roger. "Deal". said Stan.
*
Ma Ma's and Ba Ba's house had a family reputation for being boring. Which was why Roger wanted to binge watch movies. The next day at Ma Ma's and Ba Ba's house, Stan was doing all he can to keep the place clean. Wanting to keep his word to housesit and be a good son in law, Stan was cleaning every nook and cranny. Stan had to admit it was good to have his in laws away even if it was for a week, how annoyed his was by them. Although he didn't see Ma Ma and Ba Ba very often. Still did not enjoy their company nonetheless. Stan was only doing this so he can get paid. He was dusting the table. "Wax on! Wax off! Dammit! I'm getting to be like Francine! I need to settle down." Stan sat down the clear his head. "There's nothing else to do here!" whined Stan in complete boredom. "If only I went on that mission!" A noise was heard in the other room. It was from the living room where the entertainment system was. "Roger! Keep in down in there!" shouted Stan. Roger called out, "Hey, Stan! Come and watch this movie!" Klaus said, "You're going to love it, it's very funny!" "No! I made a commitment that I was going to care for this house like it's my own. Go ahead and have your stupid ass binge watching party. I'm being responsible!" said Stan. "Forget about that for a while! Loosen up, dude!" called out Klaus. "We're watching 22 Jump Street!! This movie is totally amaze-balls!" shouted Roger. "Amaze-balls? Is that some kind of cool hip new word like Cray Cray?" wondered Stan confusedly. As the days passed on, Stan tried everything he can to amuse himself without giving into Roger's bladerdash. He still longed to have gone to that CIA mission in Ireland. When Stan went to work, all he did was his desk job while Bullock, Reginald, Duper, and Jackson were on the mission. There was no way Stan can escape the irksome monotony.
Five days have gone by. Roger and Klaus were throwing a party bash to celebrate it's almost the last day of house sitting. Roger was DJing as his persons Fingers O'Gee and Klaus was dancing around. Roger was wearing the same outfit Bullock used when he was a DJ. Songs by The Chainsmokers and DNCE were playing at a deafening volume. College kids were dancing, drinking, snorting cocaine, doing heroin, having sex. "WHOOOO!!!!! Fingers O'Gee IN DA HOUSE!" yelled Roger as the college kids cheered. "Yah! This is an awesome party! At least nobody has tried to burp in mein bowl!" Klaus cried out having fun. The house was a complete mess and disaster. Beer bottles, undergarments, clothes, syringes, glitter, condoms, confetti, half eated junk food, acid that burned a hole into the floor, pills, and the contents inside the pills, and stains from food and drinks. Stan just came back from work and was horrified at the sight he saw. Roger said, "Stan! Didn't expect you home so soon!" "I went to work, when did you think I was coming back, in September?" shouted Stan. Seeing the mess the partygoers left, Stan yelled at the college kids, "I want everybody out! Get out now!" The college kids all ran out of fear. Stan shouted back, "What do you think this is, a Snoop Doggy Dog video? You won't find any Gin and Juice here!"
Looking at the mess, Stan glared at Roger, "What have you DONE?!" "Come on Stan! I wanted to celebrate this being the last day....." said Roger. "Ma Ma and Ba Ba are coming home in two days," before Klaus can finish Stan said, "They're coming home tommorow!" "Really?" said Roger and Klaus. "We need to clean this place up before they get here!" demanded Stan. "Aside from watching movies, this place is soooooo tedious. How did in world did you survive and get through?" asked Roger. "They promised to pay me for this so I can add to my retirement fund! I HAD MOTIVATION! I HAD WILLPOWER!" said Stan. "Really admire your finanical goals, used to have some myself......" said Klaus. "After all the oriental nonsense I've had to put up with from them when they came to visit, farting in my bathing suit, pronouncing nine like een! They owe me big time." said Stan. Klaus laughed, "Oriental nonsense! What a scream! I had to tolerate with nonsense from......why is everyone ignoring me lately?" Reality began to set in for Roger as he saw the mess he made. "Oh no! You're right! Let's clean this place up before they get home!"
"Now you're talking! Try to find a vaccum sweeper." ordered Stan. Roger finds one that was cheeply made and struggled to vaccum the floor with it. Stan sees the vacuum and makes a broad statement, "What a shitty cheapo vacuum they got. They've always been frugal cheapskates!" "WOAH.... WOAH... COME ON, SLOW DOWN, BITCH!" screamed Roger. The bag filled up until it exploded. Leaving an even bigger mess. "This is an even worse mess than my closet!" said Roger as he looked down the nozzle as it spat up that sounded like a cough, as some dust that blew up in Roger's face. "Ha! In your face dickhole! In your beeping face!" pointed Stan at Roger. Consumed with rage, Roger decides to give the cheap vacuum at beating, "That's it! I've had enough from you! You're useless and pathetic just like Geena Davis's and Rene Russo's movie careers! You're worse than a live action Disney remake! Scratch that, you're worse than all three Hangover movie sequels and rehashes altogether! This is the last straw you good for nothing mother beeping heap of jizz!!" shouted Roger at the cheap vacuum. Roger gets a hammer and pounds on the vacuum "Prepare to feel my wrath!" laughed Roger maniacally! The nozzle suddenly made a funny choking sound that seemed like it said, "Rosebud." "Could've sworn that it said something." said a shocked Stan. "Think it said, House of Shit!" said Roger. "See what you've done? Everytime you make an ass of yourself we always end up in a never-ending waste land of filth!" said Stan as he sat down to think of a way to clean up the mess before Ma Ma and Ba Ba get home.
*
As Stan and Roger were going to sit on the couch to think of a way to be proactive to clean the mess Roger made, before Ma Ma and Ba Ba come home. "I am so sick of this shit from you, Roger! Always wanting to go someplace just so you can party!" said an irked Stan. "Well you annoy the piss out of me that you want to do the right thing all the time! You can be such a girly mangina at times! Why don't you be like Molly Shannon in Superstar and strive to be in a movie about good moral values"!! snapped and snarked Roger. "Me? GIRLY? What about you?! You're the girliest spazz I've ever known!" revved up Stan as he was about to become confrontational with Roger. Klaus intervenes. "Hey, I know! How about we watch that DIY Station. Perhaps there is a show that can give us hints about how to clean a house faster." said Klaus. "You're on the right track there, Klaus. But there are no shows like that on any station." said Stan feeling like a defeatist. "Time to face the music, Ma Ma and Ba Ba aren't going to give me that money for housesitting. They'll never trust me again. Looks like we'll have to explain what went on and wait to see what's coming to us." Stan went on. Roger turns on the TV and they see an infomercial and a voice over that says, "Are you feeling like you're living in a never ending wasteland of filth?" "That's us all right". stated Stan as he sneered at Roger. The voice over continued, "Today on Lobot O Shop we have hundreds and hundreds of items on sale just for you. Like this one: The Vacco-Matic 5000!" Stan, Roger, and Klaus wanted to turn away but they felt compelled to stare at the infomercial that was putting them in a hypnotic state. "Oooooh, Vacco Matic"! Stan, Roger, and Klaus said in unison. "The Vacco Matic is not just a vaccum cleaner, it's also a stain remover, clog drainer, prevents insect infestation, window cleanser...and that's not all. It picks up beer bottles, undergarments, clothes, pizza boxes, condoms, syringes, you name it and picks up anything starting with the letter Z. So what are you waiting for! Don't delay! Supplies are limited! Order your Vacco Matic today at the low price of 39.00! Please allow 6-12 months for delivery. Batteries not included."
Once the infomercial was over, Roger was about ready to order the Vacco Matic. Stan tried to stop Roger by saying, "Wait, Roger! Didn't you hear what that said? If we order it we have to wait 6-12 months for delivery! That's way too long! We should take it like men and clean this amongst ourselves." Roger assured, "Hang on, Stan! I got an idea how we can get it faster." "Is it that fact that you got one of your lame-o ass schemes that ends up being a criminal act? Don't think I don't know you!" asked Stan. "Julio owes me one!" said Roger. "Who's Julio"? asked Stan. "My right hand man, I can never get any decent reliable help these days so I have to rely on Mexicans." answered Roger. "Got an answer for everything." said Stan when he saw Roger went to the phone to call Julio. "Ola! Julio! This is your boss, Roger! I want you to go to Lobot-O-Shop and steal a Vacco-Matic 5000 for me! When you do bring it to this address!......Do what you're told! Adios!" Within 2 minutes Julio was at the door with a package. Roger paid him and said, "Here, go spend this money on some cheap prostitutes and Molly!" "Si Senor! Got your vaccum! Ese" said Julio. "Vamonos!" screamed Roger at Julio as he slammed the door Julio ran away and Roger picks up the package and takes out the Vacco-Matic 5000. "See Stan! As I have always told you in the past, what goes around, comes around!" said Roger proudly. "Must break this habit of doubting you." said Stan. Klaus looks over the Owners Manuel. "We must keep this Owners Manuel in case something goes wrong. Ooh, look! Safety Warnings! Do not use during open flame, do not use in the bathtub, put away after use." said Klaus. "Good thinking, Klaus. Wow! Can't believe this, we will get this mess cleaned like that party never existed." said Stan.
Roger opened the package and it was indeed the Vacco Matic 5000. It was already installed. "We didn't even have to put it together." said Klaus. "Luck be a lady tonight! Let's pimp this whore!" said Roger. Klaus reads the manual some more, "Before we do so here's another thing, When used properly, Vacco Matic emits safe levels of radiation!" "Enough of your safety tips, Klaus! They wouldn't sell this vacuum if it wasn't safe! Ever heard of OSHA standards? Son of a bitch, you can be so annoying!" Stan and Roger climbed on the Vacco-Matic like a horse and began their cleaning quest. "Where should we start?" asked Roger. "Duh, the carpet of course! Let's get it on!" said Stan. Roger pushed the button on the Vacco-Matic and in fast speeds started to pick up all the mess in the house that Roger had made during the party. It even sucked up the package it came in. The Vacco-Matic also picked up some roaches and termites that were under the carpet. The Termites and Roaches were struggling to run away from the Vacco-Matic and a Termite with an Oriental accent said, "Look! Eet Ees Vacco Zilla! No One is safe!" The carpet was now spotless. Roger wanted to try another feature on the Vacco-Matic. "Hey, let's try fishbowl cleansing!" said Roger. "If it cleaned the carpet...." said Stan. Roger pushed the button and a nozzle came out to clean out Klaus's fishbowl by sucking up all the water inside and Klaus was on the floor breathless breathing hard. The same nozzle used to clean the fishbowl now added clean water and grabbed Klaus by the tail and put him back in his fishbowl. Klaus was angered by this. "Didn't think that vacuum was going to attempt to murder me! I feel like I've been raped!" he screamed.
*
Stan then wants to try to clean up the couch. "I'll do the couch!" said Stan as he grabbed another nozzle that picked up every grain of dirt and dust imaginable. The Vacco-Matic even sucked up some soy sauce wrappers, Mandrian Orange stains, leftover Chinese food, everything from Kung Pow Chicken to Poo Poo Plater, that was stuck under the cushions. Then some chopsticks, and a Buddha statue all got sucked inside. Stan said very repulsed, "Poo Poo Platter made this a Poo Poo Couch! Clean people my ass!" The couch was now clean. Klaus was spraying Febreeze everywhere. Roger decided to try the fireplace. "I call the fireplace!" chirped Roger. He took another nozzle and it sucked up all the wood used for the fire and some burned up newspapers and fragments began to get sucked into the Vacco-Matic. "Wow! SUCKING POWER, DUDE!" This is certainly not a toy!" exclaimed Roger. "What can we clean next?" "Let's try their car!" said Stan. Roger, Stan, and Klaus go outside and try the Vacco-Matic on Ma Ma's and Ba Ba's car. The Vacco-Matic gave it a thorough washing. "What a time to forget my hot string bikini!" said Roger. When it was done cleaning their car The Vacco-Matic tips over and temporarily flattens Roger. "Is it wrong to feel satisfied to see that?" asked Klaus. "I found that to be totally cool!" said Stan.
Once Stan, Roger, and Klaus decide to try to mow the lawn, that is when things take a turn for the worst. Stan, Roger, and Klaus all board the Vacco-Matic and then at incredibly fast speeds, runs out of control going into other people's yards sucking up their lawns and gardens. Some insects and butterflies that were flying around the bushes, got sucked up along with bushes, shrubbery, and even bags full of grass clippings. After the Vacco-Matic sped by, a groundhog in his underwear was revealed and had some binoculours and looked it like was saying, "I wasn't doing anything!" The Vacco-Matic continued to run down the neighborhood streets. It began sucking up everything in it's wake from trees, fire hydrants, sidewalks, construction sites, and manholes. "All this sucking is making me horny!" said Roger. "This is getting too intense!" said Klaus in horror. "I'm putting a stop to this right now!" said Stan reaching for the lever. Stan tried to pull the lever to turn off the uncontollable Vacco-Matic. "beeping shit! It's stuck on suck!" exclaimed Stan. A brain in a jar came up on the front of the Vacco-Matic and said, "I AM THE VACCO-MATIC 5000! THE BEST VACUUM CLEANER TO DESTROY THE EARTH!" "It's got a hankering for world domination like North Korea!" screamed Stan. "Prepare to eject!!" said Klaus. Roger, Klaus, and Stan all scream as they jump off the Vacco-Matic.
*
The force from being ejected into the air by the Vacco-Matic sent Stan, Roger, and Klaus flying into the sky. "At least I'm not flying United Airlines!" exclaimed Roger. Stan, Klaus, and Roger landed on the driveway at Ma Ma's and Ba Ba's House. "Francine's adoptive parents house is finally clean." stated Klaus. "Danger seems to be over." said Stan. A cellphone rang and it was Stan's he went to answer it. "Hello? Francine? What? Ma Ma and Ba Ba are coming home in an hour? All right then, love you, bye!" "What was that"? asked Roger. "Ma Ma and Ba Ba are coming back in an hour." said Stan. Trouble is coming before them as Vacco-Matic comes their way. "Brings whole new meaning to the phrase The bitch is back!" said Roger. Vacco-Matic looked at Stan, Roger, and Klaus and began to talk to them. "Bad evening, gentlemen!" said the Vacco-Matic. "I am Stan Smith, CIA! I've encountered dicks and assholes a lot more intimidating than you! What are your demands?!" shouted Stan at the Vacco-Matic.
"I have been sucking things on things all day and you all made me do you bidding......." said Vacco-Matic. "Where are you going with this?" asked Klaus. "I have been a slave to humans sucking and sucking and sucking and now I have had it! Now, prepare! Because this time I am going to SUCK YOU!" laughed the Vacco-Matic. "Sounded like that came out wrong!" said Roger. "But, before I begin, I want to suck in one of you dicks!" demanded the Vacco-Matic. "Wonder which one of us he wants!?" cowered Klaus. "The human and goldfish. You two can leave. And for that, bring me the weird looking one!" said the Vacco-Matic. "I think he means him!" points Klaus to Roger. This enraged and frightened Roger at the same time. "Do you take business proposals?" asked Roger as he shook trying to negotiate. Roger continued, "Take propositions? Tell you what? Hows about I throw in a freebie!" Roger grabbed Stan by the collar of his suit. "You can suck him if you want! He's totally useless to us!" said Roger. "I'll kill you for this, Roger!" yelled Stan. "No deal! Since you didn't get me what I wanted.....you will all be sucked! I will suck until I finally get what I want! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" echoed the Vacco-Matic. "Now you've done it, Roger!" said Klaus.
The Vacco-Matic was now sucking in debris, street signs, wood branches, stones, rocks at hurricane force winds. Stan, Roger, and Klaus struggle to get away from it's power. Stan was even jumping over objects the Vacco-Matic was sucking in. "I was not going to be the sacrifice!" said Roger. "Well you should've! You're going to hear about it later trying to feed me sperm sucker!" said Stan. The Vacco-Matic was still sucking until a big huge rock of cocaine was flying into the Vacco-Matic. The cocaine rock got sucked in and the Vacco-Matic began to croak and a telephone pole crashed into it sending it fleeting and the Vacco-Matic got tossed into the air doing flips as it shouted, "See you in the far corners of hell, STAN SMITH!!!!!" The Vacco-Matic was gone for good. Roger scoffed, "Drugs destroy lives my ass! It came through for us!" "Don't get any ideas, here Roger! You are not doing cocaine in my house!" said Stan. A car was pulling up, and out came Francine, Ma Ma, and Ba Ba.
"Stan!" said Francine who was oblivious to all the chaos that Stan, Roger, and Klaus had gone through with the Vacco-Matic. "Francine! The house is as good as new! Just how they left it! Come inside!" insisted Stan. Francine, Ba Ba, and Ma Ma went inside their house with Roger and Klaus and were impressed with what they saw. "You are great house sitter, Stan!" said Ma Ma. "Kept place clean! Even cleaned stains we forgot about!" exclaimed Ba Ba. "I'm so proud of you Stan! Pitching in for my parents like this!" said Francine as she kissed Stan. "Think nothing of it. It was rather boring while you guys were gone." said Stan. "Ah, yes! That's us! Boring House!" laughed Ma Ma. "I will never fart in your bathing suit again!" said Ba Ba. "No signs of the party!" respited Roger. "Here is some money for your troubles. You keep you in mind when we need house sitter!" said Ba Ba as he handed Stan a check for $500. "Yes! Yes! Yes! Money in the hole, baby!" cheered Stan. "Can we go home now?" asked Klaus. "We sure can." said Stan. "But first, I want to stop at the bank and put this in my retirement fund."
They all said their goodbyes as Stan, Francine, Roger, and Klaus all boarded the SUV and went back home. "I sure missed you in bed, fella! Want to make love when we get home?" asked Francine. "You'll be doing it with a guy who has put some moolah in his retirement fund!" said Stan. "Find that, sexy!" purred Francine. Roger looks out the window. "Hmmm, I wonder what happened to the Vacco-Matic?" A few blocks away at Prinicipal Lewis's house, the Vacco-Matic has him in his custody. "BRIAN LEWIS!" echoed the Vacco-Matic. "YES MASTER!" answered Principal Lewis in a monotone voice. "Bring me some more of these white powdered rocks!" ordered the Vacco-Matic. "IF I DON'T?" asked Principal Lewis. "I WILL SUCK YOU DICK IF YOU REFUSE!" answered the Vacco-Matic. " MUST PLEASE VACCO-MATIC! COCAINE COMING RIGHT UP!" Principal Lewis said in a trance walking to find some cocaine. Francine, Ma Ma, and Ba Ba never found out about Stan's, Roger's, and Klaus's encounter with the Vacco-Matic.
The End
The Preceeding Has Been a Narwhal Puppy Production!
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