Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...
Izzy
Axl and I are both laying in his hospital bed and he’s curled into my body with his head on my chest. I have one arm tightly wrapped around him and I’m stroking his soft, red, hair with my free hand. He’s shaking and I’d think that he was crying but his eyes are completely dry. I move my head over to the side a little and look down into his face. “Ax, did you really think I was the devil?” I ask him. He’d seemed absolutely serious and it had scared me to death.
“I don’t know, it made perfect sense at the time. Probably just the last of the heroin combined with dreaming or something,” he mumbles. He just keeps staring straight ahead never looking at me.”
“What were you dreaming about?” I asked.
“You, the first time that you let me fuck you out in that cornfield in the rain,” he replies softly.
“Oh,” is all I can think of to say. I wonder what he thinks about that particular memory. For me it’s a mixture of fear, physical pain, extreme vulnerability, elation, and a mind- blowing orgasm when the pain passed. It was a mixed bag of feelings but one of the most special memories that the two of us shared. I’d never given myself to anyone that way before, I’d always topped. When he came to me that night and asked me to let him penetrate me I was fucking scared to death! I’d never let anyone be inside of my body before Axl; I’d always been the one taking and any lovers I’d had always gave it up to me no questions asked.
Then there was Axl at my door in the rain pleading with me to come with him out into the cornfields where we went to hide from the world and make love; our own special little hideaway where everyone else and all of our troubles just faded away. I loved it there, laying on a blanket in the dirt, holding the only person I’d ever loved in my arms, planning our future anywhere but fucking Lafayette.
When he’d asked me if I’d let him top I’d been afraid but he was so sincere about how it was the only way he’d really know if I loved him or not I’d just swallowed the lump in my throat and let him have me. I had loved him more than anything then and I loved him now. True, he had just rammed it in he was so excited but the pain went away and the pleasure that came afterwards left the pain an almost forgotten hint of a memory. I’d done what it took to prove that I loved him then and I’d do whatever it took now. “Why are you thinking about that?” I ask him.
“Because it was the first time you did something to prove that you really loved me,” he says, finally looking up into my eyes. I smile softly down at him thinking that no matter what we put each other through our brains’ psychic connection never breaks.
“I’d do anything to prove that I love you Fireball, I wish I didn’t have to prove myself all the time, that one day you’ll just trust me enough to know that I love you but I guess until that happens I’m happy to keep proving myself. I wish you’d quit pushing me away all the time though; your constant game of “go away/come back” is killing us babe. I know I’ve been a dick but Axl I can’t do this sharing you with chicks shit anymore, especially not Erin; every time I look at her I think about Nikki! I want to be together forever the way these rings we’ve got on symbolize but she’s got to go Axl. We can talk about that later though; right now all I want to talk about is how much I love you and I want to make sure you’re ok. What happened Billy?” I ask. He looks surprised for a second when he hears me use his real name but then he smiles and snuggles his face into my neck and I feel him relax a little. The truth is that he looks more like my Billy than Axl Rose right now because he looks so vulnerable and afraid. He looks the way he used to look when he would climb in my bedroom window and I would fix up his cuts and give him tylenol for the pain and gently kiss the bruises left by his stepfather’s fists and belt buckle. He was so brave back then, just like he is now.
I feel him take in a deep breath and let it out slowly before he answers my question, trying to keep tears out of his voice. “When I left the studio and went outside to where the limo driver had parked our security guys weren’t in the lobby or outside with the car; they were all gone. The driver was still there though and he let me in the car and Sixx was in the limo. He blocked door, told me he was taking me someplace special, that he wanted to find out why I was so special. So he took me back to the penthouse of that HIlton and he chained me up and cut my clothes off. Then he told me about how he’d “made love” to you the night of his party. He made it into a fairy tale with "Once upon a time" and everythin.g He told me how you’d called him Fireball at the end. Then he said that it was time to figure out what it was that made me so special to you. So he started slicing me open. He licked up my blood Izzy and said that it tasted sweet and asked me if I tasted that way to you. He kept telling me his story about you and he kept cutting me. I just left in my head the way I would do with my dad when he beat me but he kept bringing me back by cutting me. He told me that he’d tried to see what made Slash so special to everyone but especially to you this morning but that Duff interrupted. I'm not sure he's done with him yet, especially if you shot him.
Then he shoved his fingers in me and then his dick and I was gone mentally through most of it. He was rough but I’ve had worse. But then he told me that he left you a note saying where I was and pointed out that you weren’t there and he said that obviously you didn’t love me because you weren’t there and that you were probably cuddled up with Slash at that very second. I couldn’t take that so I just begged him to kill me so when he was done fucking me he shot me up with enough dope to kiss me three times over. I thought I saw you before I completely passed out but I thought I was dying and it was just some figment of my imagination.”
“You were dying Fireball but I was there holding you. I’m just so sorry I couldn’t save you before he raped you and carved you up. I’m sorry baby. I got his note and that’s how I knew where to find you, that and I figured out that these two shifty looking kids in the lobby were working for him because they kept staring at Doug and Doc who were at the counter trying to figure out where you two had gone. Jesus Axl I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for everything! I love you baby, I never stopped loving you and I never will. Your name is fucking branded on my soul Axe and I can’t live without you; I don’t want to! I want to spend the rest of my life loving you just like we promised each other we would. I’m always going to be here for you Fireball, always. Is there anything you need right now? Some water? More pain meds?” I ask him, almost frantic to do something to make him feel even a little bit better. I can’t believe I failed him again. I think I’m doomed to repeat not being able to save him for the rest of my life; some sort of horrible karma.
“Just hold me Izzy and sing to me,” he pleads. I look down into his green eyes and they’re so full of sadness and pleading and a look that I’ve seen for almost 12 years off and on: a look that says he’s yearning to be loved. So I do what he asks and hold him tighter and stroke his beautiful hair and sing to him. I decide that the song we we wrote together two years ago on a paper bag fits the situation and I start to sing. “Talk to me softly, there’s something in your eyes…” His eyes close in contentment, at least as much as he contentment as he can manage at the moment and he snuggles further into me even though he’s wincing in pain. I vow in my head that I’ll never let him go again.
Axl and I are both laying in his hospital bed and he’s curled into my body with his head on my chest. I have one arm tightly wrapped around him and I’m stroking his soft, red, hair with my free hand. He’s shaking and I’d think that he was crying but his eyes are completely dry. I move my head over to the side a little and look down into his face. “Ax, did you really think I was the devil?” I ask him. He’d seemed absolutely serious and it had scared me to death.
“I don’t know, it made perfect sense at the time. Probably just the last of the heroin combined with dreaming or something,” he mumbles. He just keeps staring straight ahead never looking at me.”
“What were you dreaming about?” I asked.
“You, the first time that you let me fuck you out in that cornfield in the rain,” he replies softly.
“Oh,” is all I can think of to say. I wonder what he thinks about that particular memory. For me it’s a mixture of fear, physical pain, extreme vulnerability, elation, and a mind- blowing orgasm when the pain passed. It was a mixed bag of feelings but one of the most special memories that the two of us shared. I’d never given myself to anyone that way before, I’d always topped. When he came to me that night and asked me to let him penetrate me I was fucking scared to death! I’d never let anyone be inside of my body before Axl; I’d always been the one taking and any lovers I’d had always gave it up to me no questions asked.
Then there was Axl at my door in the rain pleading with me to come with him out into the cornfields where we went to hide from the world and make love; our own special little hideaway where everyone else and all of our troubles just faded away. I loved it there, laying on a blanket in the dirt, holding the only person I’d ever loved in my arms, planning our future anywhere but fucking Lafayette.
When he’d asked me if I’d let him top I’d been afraid but he was so sincere about how it was the only way he’d really know if I loved him or not I’d just swallowed the lump in my throat and let him have me. I had loved him more than anything then and I loved him now. True, he had just rammed it in he was so excited but the pain went away and the pleasure that came afterwards left the pain an almost forgotten hint of a memory. I’d done what it took to prove that I loved him then and I’d do whatever it took now. “Why are you thinking about that?” I ask him.
“Because it was the first time you did something to prove that you really loved me,” he says, finally looking up into my eyes. I smile softly down at him thinking that no matter what we put each other through our brains’ psychic connection never breaks.
“I’d do anything to prove that I love you Fireball, I wish I didn’t have to prove myself all the time, that one day you’ll just trust me enough to know that I love you but I guess until that happens I’m happy to keep proving myself. I wish you’d quit pushing me away all the time though; your constant game of “go away/come back” is killing us babe. I know I’ve been a dick but Axl I can’t do this sharing you with chicks shit anymore, especially not Erin; every time I look at her I think about Nikki! I want to be together forever the way these rings we’ve got on symbolize but she’s got to go Axl. We can talk about that later though; right now all I want to talk about is how much I love you and I want to make sure you’re ok. What happened Billy?” I ask. He looks surprised for a second when he hears me use his real name but then he smiles and snuggles his face into my neck and I feel him relax a little. The truth is that he looks more like my Billy than Axl Rose right now because he looks so vulnerable and afraid. He looks the way he used to look when he would climb in my bedroom window and I would fix up his cuts and give him tylenol for the pain and gently kiss the bruises left by his stepfather’s fists and belt buckle. He was so brave back then, just like he is now.
I feel him take in a deep breath and let it out slowly before he answers my question, trying to keep tears out of his voice. “When I left the studio and went outside to where the limo driver had parked our security guys weren’t in the lobby or outside with the car; they were all gone. The driver was still there though and he let me in the car and Sixx was in the limo. He blocked door, told me he was taking me someplace special, that he wanted to find out why I was so special. So he took me back to the penthouse of that HIlton and he chained me up and cut my clothes off. Then he told me about how he’d “made love” to you the night of his party. He made it into a fairy tale with "Once upon a time" and everythin.g He told me how you’d called him Fireball at the end. Then he said that it was time to figure out what it was that made me so special to you. So he started slicing me open. He licked up my blood Izzy and said that it tasted sweet and asked me if I tasted that way to you. He kept telling me his story about you and he kept cutting me. I just left in my head the way I would do with my dad when he beat me but he kept bringing me back by cutting me. He told me that he’d tried to see what made Slash so special to everyone but especially to you this morning but that Duff interrupted. I'm not sure he's done with him yet, especially if you shot him.
Then he shoved his fingers in me and then his dick and I was gone mentally through most of it. He was rough but I’ve had worse. But then he told me that he left you a note saying where I was and pointed out that you weren’t there and he said that obviously you didn’t love me because you weren’t there and that you were probably cuddled up with Slash at that very second. I couldn’t take that so I just begged him to kill me so when he was done fucking me he shot me up with enough dope to kiss me three times over. I thought I saw you before I completely passed out but I thought I was dying and it was just some figment of my imagination.”
“You were dying Fireball but I was there holding you. I’m just so sorry I couldn’t save you before he raped you and carved you up. I’m sorry baby. I got his note and that’s how I knew where to find you, that and I figured out that these two shifty looking kids in the lobby were working for him because they kept staring at Doug and Doc who were at the counter trying to figure out where you two had gone. Jesus Axl I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for everything! I love you baby, I never stopped loving you and I never will. Your name is fucking branded on my soul Axe and I can’t live without you; I don’t want to! I want to spend the rest of my life loving you just like we promised each other we would. I’m always going to be here for you Fireball, always. Is there anything you need right now? Some water? More pain meds?” I ask him, almost frantic to do something to make him feel even a little bit better. I can’t believe I failed him again. I think I’m doomed to repeat not being able to save him for the rest of my life; some sort of horrible karma.
“Just hold me Izzy and sing to me,” he pleads. I look down into his green eyes and they’re so full of sadness and pleading and a look that I’ve seen for almost 12 years off and on: a look that says he’s yearning to be loved. So I do what he asks and hold him tighter and stroke his beautiful hair and sing to him. I decide that the song we we wrote together two years ago on a paper bag fits the situation and I start to sing. “Talk to me softly, there’s something in your eyes…” His eyes close in contentment, at least as much as he contentment as he can manage at the moment and he snuggles further into me even though he’s wincing in pain. I vow in my head that I’ll never let him go again.
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