FicWad

He won’t stop;he won’t stop and it hurts so fucking bad! I’m screaming and they’re laughing, the fucking terror twins are laughing every time I fucking scream! Let somebody shove a bottle up their ass, we’ll see how funny they think it is! To make things even worse Duff and Izzy are watching all of this, they’re watching me fall apart and scream like a bitch! Could there be anything more humiliating? Maybe my whole band watching this happen, that would be more humiliating. Duff is out and out sobbing and begging Nikki to stop and Izzy’s fighting tears, trying to look anywhere but at me and what they’re doing to me. Nikki pauses for a second and lights a cigarette and I sob Duff’s name. Nikki doesn’t like that and he jams the bottle back inside of me hard and I scream!” I open my eyes and Nikki’s not there, Tommy’s not there, Duff’s sitting up next to me shaking me, telling me I”m ok, that I’m just dreaming. Dreaming, I was dreaming, nobody’s hurting me right now, I’m not in pain, I’m not being ripped open with a bottle, I’m safe, I’m comfortable, but fuck I’m still so fucking scared!


I sit up and grip the front of Duff’s shirt in my hands and bury my face in his neck as he puts his arms around me and squeezes me tight. I breathe in deeply, inhaling Duff’s scent, the smell of safety and to me the smell of love. Not that love has a smell exactly but I love Duff and he loves me so to me love smells like him. It feels so good to have his arms around me, as long as he’s holding me I know that I’m safe, that I’m loved, and that nothing and no one can hurt me. My heart is still beating like a scared rabbit; Duff can feel it and he strokes my hair and talks to me soothingly. “It’s ok baby, I’m right here. You’re heart’s beating so fast, must have been a really scary dream. It’s over now, you’re safe, they’re not here and they’re not going to hurt you ever again. I love you so much, don’t be scared Baby Boy, I’ve got you,” he said quietly as his hand runs over my hair and he nuzzles my face with his own. I wish I could answer him, tell him how much I love him back and how grateful I am to have him. If he wasn’t here I don’t think I would have gotten through what happened, what Nikki and Tommy did to me. I would have purposely overdosed. I can’t get it out of my head, I can still hear their moans and the things they said to me. I can still taste their bitter cum and feel the pain of Tommy ripping me open when he forced himself in instead of stretching me and going slowly. I can’t forget how he moaned when he did it and said “Fuck you’re tight, no wonder every sick fuck in the record industry wanted a piece of you. With those lips and this tight ass you can’t help but be a good fuck!” Then he looked at Duff and Izzy and said “No wonder you two fight over him, shit, I’d fight for this too if I was the two of you. Guess we know now why Duff always walks around looking so satisfied.” Then he’d slapped me on the ass and said “Kid I could fuck you all night long and still want more of you; this may have to be more than a one time thing.” I was so scared he would come after me again. If he grabbed me and it was a fair fight that would be one thing, I could probably fight him off and get away, I’d won fights with guys his size before. But it was never fair or out in the open, Tommy and Nikki always drugged us or used some other sneaky method and by the time we were ready to fight we were already tied up and at their mercy and we never saw it coming no matter how careful we were.


Remembering how he said he wanted more of me freaks me out more and my breathing picks up along with my heart rate. Duff of course notices and asks if I’m ok and all I can do is shake my head no. I concentrate really hard on talking and manage to stutter “A a a again, he s s ssaid he would g g g get me again!”


“No baby, no, he won’t get you again,” Duff soothes. I’m right here with you. Izzy’s next door with a gun, nobody’s going to get you. We’re out of here and away from them tomorrow morning. Don’t worry.” But I can’t help it and I can’t stop the panic attack. It just gets worse and I feel sweat begin to prick up on my skin and I can’t breathe. Duff tries to settle me but it’s not working so he gets me up and walking and we walk into Izzy and Axl’s room for some Valium. In the dim light I see Axl curled around a pillow on the edge of the bed and Izzy’s beside him with his arm around Erin? When did that bitch get here?


Duff pries one of his hands away from me and leans down and shakes Axl. He startles awake and sees that it’s us standing there and asks “What’s wrong?”.


“I need a couple valium for him, he’s having a major panic attack and I can’t get him settled down,” Duff answers. My breathing is getting louder and more ragged and Axl looks up at me with an alarmed look on his face when he turns the light on.


“Kid you’re as white as a sheet, don’t pass out on us ok?” I just look at him and nod slightly as I try and concentrate on breathing.


The light and our voices wake up Izzy and Erin. Izzy blinks and looks up and practically jumps over Erin to get to me. Way to not piss off Axl. “Slash are you ok? What’s going on?” he asks. Erin sits up and looks at me too. I don’t like all of these people looking at me, it’s making it worse.


“He’s having another panic attack,” Axl informs him. “I’m getting him some valium.” He goes into the bathroom and comes out with a cup of water and two blue pills.


He holds them out but my hands are shaking too badly to hold them. Duff reaches up and takes the pills with his free hand and turns to look at me. “Open up,” he says and puts the pills on my tongue. He takes the water and holds it up to my mouth so I can drink it. I swallow the pills and Duff hands Axl the cup and I latch back onto his hands. He pulls me into his body and frees one hand so he can put his arm around me and kisses the top of my head. “Thanks Axl,” Duff says. “I’m gonna walk him up and down the hall, see if it helps.”


“Yeah, no problem,” Axl replies. Izzy just looks at me worriedly. Axl looks at Izzy looking at me and scowls. “Move Izz,” he says as he tries to get back in bed. Izzy moves back to his side of the bed without a word, keeping his eyes on me. I know he’s not going to be able to go back to sleep now, I feel bad for waking him up because he’s just going to worry himself into needing another fix.


Duff walks me back into our room and helps me put on a t-shirt and regular shorts and then walks me out into the hallway. He keeps his arm around my shoulders and walks me up and down the hall, talking to me softly about the show tonight. “You played your ass off tonight, you sounded great, the crowd seemed really into it too. Tomorrow we’ll get up around noon and then get on the bus and we’re out of here. No more Nikki, no more Tommy, we can start living again. Maybe I’ll even get a smile out of you once we’re out of here,” he says and leans over and kisses my temple. I stop and turn to him and wrap my arms around him. He holds me tightly and whispers “I love you Baby Boy.” I want to tell him how much I love him back and appreciate him but I can’t get the words out. I want him to know though so I trace the letter I on his shoulder and chest followed by a heart and then the letter u. He smiles down at me and this time I’m able to smile back a little. “Hey there’s a smile, I can’t wait to see your eyes light up with a full on smile again,” he tells me. “You ready to go back to bed? Your breathing is almost back to normal, are you feeling a little better baby?”


I nod and he guides me back down the hallway towards our room. As we get to the corner we stop because we hear voices, Axl and Izzy’s voices to be exact and they’re arguing. “Jesus, you practically jumped over Erin to get to him, why don’t you admit that you still have feelings for him?” Axl snarls.


“It aint like that Ax,” Izzy drawls. “I’m worried about him, I’ve been there, so have you, and he never has. Sorry if I give more of a fuck than you do; I’m always going to care about him but it’s you that I love. I’ll tell you what I would like though; you see how he and Duff love each other? You see how they treat each other, how Duff has been caring for him, how Slash does little things to make Duff happy, how they light up when they see each other? We used to be like that, why can’t we have that again? Why does it have to be so hard for us to show that we love each other? Why do you have to want to hurt me when you’re fucking me? Why can’t you just make love to me like you used to? Why can’t you just let me take care of you? I love you, why does it have to be so hard?”


“What you don’t see is that you light up when Slash walks into a room! Don’t think I don’t know what you’re thinking and feeling, I know you Stradlin! Sorry if I don’t baby you the way Duff babies Slash; my fault for thinking you were an adult who didn’t need to be pampered! If you don’t like the way I fuck you then I won’t fuck you! Guess you liked the way he fucked you better? We all know he’s got a huge fucking dick, he fucked me with it too, I know it feels fucking good! Sorry, I can’t really provide you with something comparable. I am who I’ve always been; sorry if I’m not easy to love like your precious Slash!” Axl yells.


“Fuck you asshole! I don’t want you to be him; I just want you to act like I fucking mean something to you! Fuck! After Nikki attacked you you wouldn’t let me anywhere near you most of the time! Just every now and then; I would love to have cared for you the way Duff is caring for Slash, why wouldn’t you let me? When they raped and nearly killed me you were on the phone with fucking Erin! Do you see Duff on the phone with his whore wife so he can get some because Slash isn’t feeling up to it? Hell no and you never will either! You know why? Because he fucking adores Slash and even more than that he respects him!” Izzy yelled back.


“Well, sorry I’m not as good a boyfriend as Duff. Nikki seems to want to be your boyfriend, hell, he even sent you a fucking Les Paul! Why don’t you give him a try and see if he’s a better boyfriend than me!” Axl growls.


“You are so fucked up in the head Axl! I did what I had to do to save half of our band! They would fucked that kid until both he and Duff lost their minds! Do you want that to happen? Because we are nothing without the two of them, nothing! Besides that they’re our friends, our brothers, should I have left them at the mercy of those two? I feel like a piece of shit for not having the guts to speak up sooner! They had that kid on his knees for over four hours! Fuck! I was too fucking scared to say anything! I just kept thinking about how bad it hurt when Tommy fucked me; every time I opened my mouth I could feel that pain again so I couldn’t say anything. But after they used that bottle on him and Tommy just went right back to it afterwards I had to do something, I couldn’t take it anymore and he was ready to collapse, he pissed on himself Axl! He was so exhausted he lost control of his bladder and he pissed all over himself and the bed and Nikki punched the daylights out of him! That was fucking enough! They were gonna fuck him until he literally keeled over!” Izzy’s crying now and I’m ready to sink through the floor; as it is I just bury my face in Duff’s neck and he holds me tight. “They were hurting him Axl, he couldn’t take any more, it had to stop! Fuck I can’t even deal with remembering what went on, it makes me feel so guilty! He cried for us, for me and Duff to help him and we couldn’t, we couldn’t do anything! After a while he stopped, he would just sob Duff’s name every now and then if they hurt him. It was awful Ax, it was so awful! He’s never going to be the same and it’s my fault! It’s my fucking fault for not saying something sooner! He and Duff know it’s my fault too; Duff told me to stay away from them and give them space. Slash probably hates me! I’d hate me if I was him!” Izzy’s sobbing now and Axl’s dead silent. I can’t take it; It’s not Izzy’s fault.


I pull away from Duff and walk towards the corner of the hallway Izzy and Axl on the other side of. Duff calls out “Baby wait!” but I keep going. I round the corner and see Izzy, whose back is towards me slumped against the wall with his hands on his knees crying. Axl’s standing in front of him with his arms crossed scowling. They both look up and see me at the same time. Izzy stands up straight and I walk up to him and throw my arms around him and pull him into a hug. The surprise on his face is almost comical but I’m not laughing. He tries to pull away but I won’t let him. Finally he gives in and hugs me back. “I’m so sorry kid, Slash I’m so sorry I didn’t stop him sooner! I should have…” but he doesn’t finish his sentence because I put my finger over his lips, effectively telling him to be quiet. I concentrate on forming words. I’m not panicking now so they come a little easier than before. “It, it, it’s not,” I have to pause.


“Yes, it is,” Izzy begins but I shush him with my finger on his lips again.


“Just give him a second Izz, he’ll get it out, just give him some time,” Duff says quietly from behind me.

Izzy nods and looks back at me. “It’s not yo, y, your fault I, I, Izzy,” I manage to stammer. I hug him again and then back away and move back into Duff’s waiting arms. I give Duff a pointed look and he looks at Izzy and sighs.


“He’s right Izzy, it’s not your fault, it’s Nikki and Tommy who hurt Slash, not you. You sacrificed yourself to get him out of there; thank you for that. I’m sorry I blamed you. It’s been so hard seeing him hurt so much; I wanted somebody to blame but I picked the wrong person and I’m sorry.” Duff’s grip on me tightens when he talks about me hurting, like he can make it hurt less if he squeezes me. Izzy just looks at us and shakes his head. Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt,” Duff says when nobody says anything for a second. “I need to get him to bed.” I see Duff give Axl a look as we pass between him and Izzy, a look that clearly says “Step it up dude, you’re doing a shitty job.” Good, I hope Axl gets the message.


Duff walks me over to the bed and I pull the shirt and shorts off and crawl back under the covers and follows right behind me. He holds out his arms and I crawl into them and snuggle up with my head resting comfortable between his chest and shoulder and and his arms around me holding me close. I’m really happy that he apologized to Izzy, I just hope he and Axl can reach some sort of compromise tonight and that things get better between them; I hate seeing them unhappy, especially Izzy. Izzy thought he had to protect us all and really, nobody could do that, we were our own worst enemy after the Crue and there was no way to protect us from ourselves and the Crue always did something sneaky to get an advantage. I wasn’t mad at him for what happened, he didn’t have to give himself up at all but he did. I’m also so grateful for Duff after hearing those two argue in the hallway. It makes me realize even more that he loves me very much and that he’s incredibly good to me. I already knew that but it’s different when you hear somebody else say it. I carefully trace I, a heart, and U on his chest again and look up at him. He smiles. “I love you too my sweet Baby Boy,” Duff says. “Do you want another hit?” I shake my head and reach over and pick up the book off of the night table and hand it to him and give him a slightly pleading look. Duff kisses the top of my head and says “You’re spoiled, you realize that right?” I smile, really smile at Duff and nod. His whole being lights up when he sees me smile and it’s beautiful to watch. He cups my face, gives me a soft kiss, and then we both settle in, him reading to me and me listening to his voice. When I finally fall asleep again I can hear him and smell him and feel his arms around me and all of those things, to me, mean that I’m safe and I’m loved and really, I couldn’t ask for anything any better than the man laying next to me.