Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...
Axl
Since talking to his mom my sweet dark angel has been rather meloncholly. I try to keep him upbeat and happy but it's been hard. I've got some severe issues of my own to combat. It's not that I'm unsympathetic, it's just that I know this is like a chess game with Izzy and his mom. They're both so much alike it just turns them into enemies. I hate it for both of them because Izzy's mom, Sonja really loves Izzy. I get mad at Izzy a lot because he takes a mother's love for granted. He hates the authority of a parent. He hates rules. Most of all he hates the fact that he wants so much for them to be proud of him.
Did you know that the only reason Izzy's parents even got married is because Clyde knocked up Sonja. Izzy was born almost exactly eight months later. Your typical Midwestern 60's shotgun wedding. They really never were suitable personalities to be together. Izzy remembers several fights between then. Izzy's brother Joe came along when Izzy was two. He and Izzy were very close as kids. When Clyde and Sonja would fight Izzy would play music on his little Fisher Price record player to drown them out.
Then when Izzy was eight they split up. That's when Izzy's role changed from the eldest brother to man of the house. Sonja worked for the phone company. They lived ten miles out of town in a house that had been in his mom's family for a hundred years. And trust me, it looked like it. But I had very fond memories of that house. It felt more like home to me than my own house. But Izzy never was very fond of small town life. He had big dreams from a very young age. Dreams that he knew Lafayette couldn't accommodate.
Izzy was always a day dreamer. I don't think anyone ever really took him seriously when he told them he was leaving Indiana to be a musician. I guess you can imagine Sonja's surprise when Izzy started packing up for LA a week after graduation. For ten years Sonja had depended on Izzy for so much. He was the housewife she couldn't be. He was the parent to two younger brothers she wasn't. Plus she worried about how the freedom would affect Izzy.
Izzy was twelve when his mom found weed in his room the first time. But it just wasn't that big of a deal in the 70's. Everybody smoked it. But with Izzy it led to other things, like getting fall down drunk and calling your mom a cunt to her face. Izzy had also spent a few full moons sneaking into pastures looking for psycosylibin mushrooms that were pretty much nature's acid. But somehow Sonja never knew her son swings both ways or that I was his main lover. She still doesn't know.
Sonja's first clue that Izzy was up to no good in LA would be a night he called begging for money. She knew from just the tone of his voice that he didn't need money for any legitimate reasons. Her instincts knew already. So she flew out to LA. She showed up at Izzy's door, took one look at him and slapped the shit out of him. She gave him the proverbial drug conversation. But trust me, addicts don't quit until they damn well feel like it. She told him to stay away until he got sober. That was almost seven years ago.
Because of heroin he hasn't seen any of his family, but his dad, since. There's occasional phone calls but they usually upset Izzy a great deal. Sonja knows Izzy hasn't come home for a visit because he still uses. It both worries her and pisses her off. I talk to her more than he does. I try to tell her nothing but good things, but she knows that I'm just covering up things. When Jungle aired on MTV Sonja saw it but gave no praise. The more successful the band gets the more estranged Izzy and Sonja get.
When Izzy talks to her about it she knocks him off his pedistool every time. She tells him he's nothing special because she refused to give him any sort of a pat on the back. She knew Izzy was sick. She knows that with money and fame Izzy just gets a free pass to do more dope. She really does worry about him. I'm sure his dad does too. But no one can tell Izzy what to do, not even me. God knows I wished he would. Truth is, I worry about him too. I mean, I do have the front row seat that his parents didn't.
There's been a lot of very close calls with him over the years. The first was just after Desi died. We didn't have anywhere to go one night. It was cold. We just wanted out of the cold. Izzy robbed some guy and got us a room. I went into the bathroom to take a shower. When I got out Izzy wasn't there. I waited, thinking he would be right back. Then I started to worry. I looked to see if he left a note. Maybe it blew under the bed. After a few hours I really started worrying. Then I started to think that maybe he was hurt. So I went looking for him. The sun ended up rising around 7:00. It was almost midnight the next night when I found him. He was in some delapitated building with a bunch of sleeping junkies. When I saw him he was pale white. His skin shined with oil, he almost looked as though he was sweating. I kicked his leg and told him to get up. He was completely non responsive. I smack his cheek and when my hand felt his skin I stopped. He was cold. I thought he was dead. I drug him 5 blocks to the nearest bus stop and got him to the hospital. They told me he would have probably have died if I hadn't.
But that didn't stop him. Nothing ever stopped him. There would be several more times in which Izzy would vanish for days. He would always show back up blasted out of his mind. I thought he'd die in some junkie Haven and I'd never see him again. But I guess fate has shined on me up until now. I guess I should be thankful that he doesn't just disappear so readily anymore. But those close calls and brushes with death have yet too completely stop. Will they ever? It's the thing I wished for the most, even over fame. Maybe one day I'll see Izzy sober and with his shit together.
I look at Izzy as we hear a knock on the door. It turns out to be Steven, fresh out of jail. He's fucking dopesick and wants dope. Big fucking shocker. I'm so fucking pissed I could punch him. Izzy tries to chill me out but fuck Steven! He's becoming more of a liability than a friend. It might not be so bad if he wasn't so goddamn stupid. I honestly don't know how anyone can be that fucking stupid. Some days I wish he wasn't even in the band. It's not like he really contributed much.
He finally leaves and Izzy just sighs, "Did you have to be such an asshole fireball?"
"I'm not the ASSHOLE who got arrested!" I shout at him.
He turns his glance to the floor, "Axe, come on, he's our drummer."
"And maybe he shouldn't be!" And deep down I don't even feel bad for saying it. That fuck up is going to ruin this for us. Hes nothing but a fucking junkie now. He's never around and when he is he's fucking wasted. Well everyone is, but something about Steven just crawls under my skin. I think it's safe to say that I don't fucking like the guy.
Izzy just stares at me, "How can you say that?"
"Because he's a fucking idiot!!"
Izzyvspns around and grabs me by the arms. His brows are set in a low furrow above his eyes. He squeezes my arms and shakes me once. "His heart is bigger than yours and mine put together," he shouts out. His grip loosens and he lets me go. He takes a step back and sighs as he runs a hand over the top of his head. "He's our drummer Axe."
"So what?! What the fuck has he contributed to this band?!" Steven never dropped to his knees or bent over a fucking conference table for this band. When shit goes down, where the fuck is he? He's just riding our coattails and it's pissing me off.
"Oh so Nikki didn't almost kill him? And I guess he didn't take the rap for me shooting Nikki huh?!" Izzy shouts with balled fists. He quickly reaches for a bottle and chugs a huge drink.
Izzy's getting adgitated because I'm yelling. I didn't want to fight with him. This day was going so fucking good before Steven showed up and ruined everything. I fucking hate him. I take a deep breath and try to calm down. Its so easy for me to blame Izzy for how Steven turned out. Izzy got him and Slash both started. But on the other hand, I can't blame Izzy because they're both grown and make their own choices. "I don't want to fight with you Angel. I'm mad at Steven, not you. Come on, let's not fight like this."
"Then don't say things like that. Stevie is part of this band and he's done just as much for it as anybody. He may not have been raped but he's damn sure been there for all of us. He might be goofy, but he's a good friend. He was right by my side when I was trying to rescue you from Nikki. He was there because he cares. He cares about you and he cares about this band."
I just sigh, "I know." And even though I'm giving up on this fight it still didn't change the way I really felt about Steven. He was a fuck up. I know one day he'll bring us troubles we neither wanted or needed. I just hope that when it does happen that it doesn't ruin us. I'd never be able to live with myself if this was something I could prevent and didn't.
Since talking to his mom my sweet dark angel has been rather meloncholly. I try to keep him upbeat and happy but it's been hard. I've got some severe issues of my own to combat. It's not that I'm unsympathetic, it's just that I know this is like a chess game with Izzy and his mom. They're both so much alike it just turns them into enemies. I hate it for both of them because Izzy's mom, Sonja really loves Izzy. I get mad at Izzy a lot because he takes a mother's love for granted. He hates the authority of a parent. He hates rules. Most of all he hates the fact that he wants so much for them to be proud of him.
Did you know that the only reason Izzy's parents even got married is because Clyde knocked up Sonja. Izzy was born almost exactly eight months later. Your typical Midwestern 60's shotgun wedding. They really never were suitable personalities to be together. Izzy remembers several fights between then. Izzy's brother Joe came along when Izzy was two. He and Izzy were very close as kids. When Clyde and Sonja would fight Izzy would play music on his little Fisher Price record player to drown them out.
Then when Izzy was eight they split up. That's when Izzy's role changed from the eldest brother to man of the house. Sonja worked for the phone company. They lived ten miles out of town in a house that had been in his mom's family for a hundred years. And trust me, it looked like it. But I had very fond memories of that house. It felt more like home to me than my own house. But Izzy never was very fond of small town life. He had big dreams from a very young age. Dreams that he knew Lafayette couldn't accommodate.
Izzy was always a day dreamer. I don't think anyone ever really took him seriously when he told them he was leaving Indiana to be a musician. I guess you can imagine Sonja's surprise when Izzy started packing up for LA a week after graduation. For ten years Sonja had depended on Izzy for so much. He was the housewife she couldn't be. He was the parent to two younger brothers she wasn't. Plus she worried about how the freedom would affect Izzy.
Izzy was twelve when his mom found weed in his room the first time. But it just wasn't that big of a deal in the 70's. Everybody smoked it. But with Izzy it led to other things, like getting fall down drunk and calling your mom a cunt to her face. Izzy had also spent a few full moons sneaking into pastures looking for psycosylibin mushrooms that were pretty much nature's acid. But somehow Sonja never knew her son swings both ways or that I was his main lover. She still doesn't know.
Sonja's first clue that Izzy was up to no good in LA would be a night he called begging for money. She knew from just the tone of his voice that he didn't need money for any legitimate reasons. Her instincts knew already. So she flew out to LA. She showed up at Izzy's door, took one look at him and slapped the shit out of him. She gave him the proverbial drug conversation. But trust me, addicts don't quit until they damn well feel like it. She told him to stay away until he got sober. That was almost seven years ago.
Because of heroin he hasn't seen any of his family, but his dad, since. There's occasional phone calls but they usually upset Izzy a great deal. Sonja knows Izzy hasn't come home for a visit because he still uses. It both worries her and pisses her off. I talk to her more than he does. I try to tell her nothing but good things, but she knows that I'm just covering up things. When Jungle aired on MTV Sonja saw it but gave no praise. The more successful the band gets the more estranged Izzy and Sonja get.
When Izzy talks to her about it she knocks him off his pedistool every time. She tells him he's nothing special because she refused to give him any sort of a pat on the back. She knew Izzy was sick. She knows that with money and fame Izzy just gets a free pass to do more dope. She really does worry about him. I'm sure his dad does too. But no one can tell Izzy what to do, not even me. God knows I wished he would. Truth is, I worry about him too. I mean, I do have the front row seat that his parents didn't.
There's been a lot of very close calls with him over the years. The first was just after Desi died. We didn't have anywhere to go one night. It was cold. We just wanted out of the cold. Izzy robbed some guy and got us a room. I went into the bathroom to take a shower. When I got out Izzy wasn't there. I waited, thinking he would be right back. Then I started to worry. I looked to see if he left a note. Maybe it blew under the bed. After a few hours I really started worrying. Then I started to think that maybe he was hurt. So I went looking for him. The sun ended up rising around 7:00. It was almost midnight the next night when I found him. He was in some delapitated building with a bunch of sleeping junkies. When I saw him he was pale white. His skin shined with oil, he almost looked as though he was sweating. I kicked his leg and told him to get up. He was completely non responsive. I smack his cheek and when my hand felt his skin I stopped. He was cold. I thought he was dead. I drug him 5 blocks to the nearest bus stop and got him to the hospital. They told me he would have probably have died if I hadn't.
But that didn't stop him. Nothing ever stopped him. There would be several more times in which Izzy would vanish for days. He would always show back up blasted out of his mind. I thought he'd die in some junkie Haven and I'd never see him again. But I guess fate has shined on me up until now. I guess I should be thankful that he doesn't just disappear so readily anymore. But those close calls and brushes with death have yet too completely stop. Will they ever? It's the thing I wished for the most, even over fame. Maybe one day I'll see Izzy sober and with his shit together.
I look at Izzy as we hear a knock on the door. It turns out to be Steven, fresh out of jail. He's fucking dopesick and wants dope. Big fucking shocker. I'm so fucking pissed I could punch him. Izzy tries to chill me out but fuck Steven! He's becoming more of a liability than a friend. It might not be so bad if he wasn't so goddamn stupid. I honestly don't know how anyone can be that fucking stupid. Some days I wish he wasn't even in the band. It's not like he really contributed much.
He finally leaves and Izzy just sighs, "Did you have to be such an asshole fireball?"
"I'm not the ASSHOLE who got arrested!" I shout at him.
He turns his glance to the floor, "Axe, come on, he's our drummer."
"And maybe he shouldn't be!" And deep down I don't even feel bad for saying it. That fuck up is going to ruin this for us. Hes nothing but a fucking junkie now. He's never around and when he is he's fucking wasted. Well everyone is, but something about Steven just crawls under my skin. I think it's safe to say that I don't fucking like the guy.
Izzy just stares at me, "How can you say that?"
"Because he's a fucking idiot!!"
Izzyvspns around and grabs me by the arms. His brows are set in a low furrow above his eyes. He squeezes my arms and shakes me once. "His heart is bigger than yours and mine put together," he shouts out. His grip loosens and he lets me go. He takes a step back and sighs as he runs a hand over the top of his head. "He's our drummer Axe."
"So what?! What the fuck has he contributed to this band?!" Steven never dropped to his knees or bent over a fucking conference table for this band. When shit goes down, where the fuck is he? He's just riding our coattails and it's pissing me off.
"Oh so Nikki didn't almost kill him? And I guess he didn't take the rap for me shooting Nikki huh?!" Izzy shouts with balled fists. He quickly reaches for a bottle and chugs a huge drink.
Izzy's getting adgitated because I'm yelling. I didn't want to fight with him. This day was going so fucking good before Steven showed up and ruined everything. I fucking hate him. I take a deep breath and try to calm down. Its so easy for me to blame Izzy for how Steven turned out. Izzy got him and Slash both started. But on the other hand, I can't blame Izzy because they're both grown and make their own choices. "I don't want to fight with you Angel. I'm mad at Steven, not you. Come on, let's not fight like this."
"Then don't say things like that. Stevie is part of this band and he's done just as much for it as anybody. He may not have been raped but he's damn sure been there for all of us. He might be goofy, but he's a good friend. He was right by my side when I was trying to rescue you from Nikki. He was there because he cares. He cares about you and he cares about this band."
I just sigh, "I know." And even though I'm giving up on this fight it still didn't change the way I really felt about Steven. He was a fuck up. I know one day he'll bring us troubles we neither wanted or needed. I just hope that when it does happen that it doesn't ruin us. I'd never be able to live with myself if this was something I could prevent and didn't.
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