Huge AU. In a world full of witches sporting tails, will Harry ever find the one right for him?
"H-Harry?" She got out, before he was off again. Rubbing his hands together maniacally, he slinked down the corridor. Everywhere he looked he saw bobbing tails, and he couldn't resist the urge to pull every last one.
With shrieks and cries of "Harry?!" as his surrogate shadow, he skulked down to the Great Hall. Almost at once, his eyes lit up, a virtual sea of tails were displayed in front of him. Harry's eyes fixed on a particularly sluttish tail, and with a groundbreaking realization, he suddenly felt as though he could go on - go on pulling tails for the duration of his entire life.
With a schizophrenic leap that would've done Dobby proud, he raised his wand, shouting in his most convincing voice "Stupefy Maximus!". Everyone in the room froze, or so he perceived at first. Albus Dumbledore, his care-free composure firmly in place, still presided over the room from his chair up front.
"Hello Harry," he said as he cast a levitation charm on something Harry couldn't see from where he was standing, "lemon drop?"
Harry grinned widely, plucking the yellow sweet out of the air. Walking down the isle, he spotted Millicent Bullstrode further up the aisle on the right-hand side. Her tail was a sickly black, and he hesitated for a moment, his hand hovering above it.
With a gulp, he cautiously drew his wand and levitated the huge cow of a snob into the air, before once more pocketing the wand. Grasping the - now levitating - tail firmly, he flung her at the opposite wall with an almighty fling.
He watched as she flew, her face making an educational crack as it hit the stone wall of the castle.
"I'm curious, my boy, why ever have you frozen and injured my students," and with a glance around added, "and apparently, my staff as well?"
He straightened up proudly, practically barking out "So that I may further my tail-grabbing, and shot-put skills."
Dumbledore looked profoundly dumbfounded for a moment, before grinning widely.
"My boy, why didn't you say anything earlier? My brother and I, I daresay, have had a deeply devoted love of tail(s) since our own years at Hogwarts."
Dumbledore stood up, his wand morphing into a snow white cane. With an extensive, sweeping wave Harry felt the air quiver around him. Looking around, he peered up at Dumbledore and almost inaudibly queried.
"What... what have you done?" Dumbledore looked, if possible, even more ecstatic.
"Why, my boy, I've stunned the whole of magical Britian."
Harry's mind went numb. All the tails - tails on every corner that he could pull - frozen in place, just awaiting his grasp. He had a fleeting moment of elation, soiling himself, as his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell backwards.
He began to twitch madly, foam springing forth from his mouth, as Harry Potter convulsed in a seizure.
Dumbledore, however, was nonplussed. Popping a lemon drop into his mouth, he exited the Great Hall humming a tune to himself, stepping over the limp form of Harry James Potter - in pursuit of some tail of his own.