FicWad

Frank It’s too early for anybody to be forced out of bed, especially mentally ill people such as myself. Group therapy was also really goddamn dull at this our, everybody just wanted to sleep for a few more hours, eat and then sleep some more.

I seriously hated this, they dropped me into a group and private sessions because the private ones apparently weren’t helpful enough or whatever and they think I need to be around people with similar P.T.S.D memories and some other stupid shit. They really believed that I would talk and share with a group all the reasons that I'm fucked up.

Some girl named Violet or something was rambling on about her pet duck that died and how it was only her friend and whatever else. I was already over it and really was just sick of all of this.

If I had succeeded…

“Frank, would you like to share about yourself?” The woman smiles at me.

“No.” I mutter, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Oh, well, why not Frank?” Her smile drops to a puzzled, small frown.

“Because, I don’t need to share the reasons that I’m fifty-shades of fucked up to a room full of crazies.” I snap, glaring at her.

“Frank!” She gasps, “That is no way to speak about your peers.”

“Then don’t ask me to talk about myself, I don’t want them to know even a single goddamn thing about me. It’s none of their business what happened to me to land me in this place.” I insist.

“You’ll have to join in at some point, the more you talk, the faster you leave here.” She pushes and I stand.

“Looks like I’m living here because this group of fucking people don’t need to hear about my shitty life and the shitty things that happen to me, I’m leaving and you can’t fucking stop me.” I grab my jacket from the chair and stomp out.

I really didn’t want to go back to my room. A month with my roommate is making it harder and harder to stay here and function like a real person. I feel like an experiment gone wrong and like I should just be eliminated.

I sigh in defeat as I pace outside of Gerard’s room. I was definitely far too attached to him and I should probably stop bothering him.

I just needed to calm down now and I knock on the door. His weird roommate, Jace, pulls the door open, “Hi, Frank. Gerard’s still asleep.” He says and moves out of the room, sliding past me, “You’re welcome to hang out in there if you want though.” He offers and I nod.

“Thanks, Jace.” I give a weak smile and slide into the room.

Gerard is peacefully sleeping and I feel bad for even thinking about waking him. I sit in one of the comfy chairs in the corner of the room. It brings back bad memories, just like everything else, as I sit and watch him sleeping in the bed.

I close my eyes and hope I’d be able to sleep it off.

Closed eyes stare blankly at me, watching me sit motionless in the chair. I can’t even sleep in my own bed, I feel unsafe.

I can’t even sleep.

I just feel… Blank, empty, sick to my stomach.

It hurts just like the rest of me.

How can you sleep? How can you not feel what I’m feeling?

Regret, sorrow, horror, so many things, so much I don’t like. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t function. Staring at my bed which was taken over by a monster. It was like home all over again, it was like him all over again and I couldn’t do that again. I couldn’t take it anymore.

His eyes open and he watches me, my shallow breathing, shaking hands.

“I’m sorry.”

“Frank?” A voice brings me back and I sit upright, “You alright?” He’s calming and I shake my head.

Gerard pats the bed next to him and slides over. I make my way over and sit where he’d tapped his hand. Gerard sighs at me and grabs my arm.

“Lay down, Frankie.” He says and I shake my head again.

“No, I’m good.” I mumble.

“Frankie, come on.” He whines and I can’t resist. I press myself down next to him and he pulls his arms around me and presses his face into my neck.

I flinch at the actions, I hated myself for it too.

“Am I making you uncomfortable?” He asks me and I shake my head yet again.

“No, no. I just… I don’t like being touched very much.” He starts to pull himself back, “No!” I catch his arm, “It’s okay.” I frown softly. My hands were shaking and I was a mess.

“It doesn’t seem to be okay.”

“I just want to get better, Gee!” I snap unintentionally, making Gerard jump a bit, “Just, I-... It’s fine.”

“You’re trying to force yourself into being better when you’re not ready for it, Frank. Just go at your own pace, don’t force yourself.” Gerard pulls his arms away and I start to cry like an idiot.

“I want to be better, I don’t want to be fucked up anymore, I don’t want to live in the past forever, I don’t want to remember, I don’t want this.” I sit up and sob. Gerard’s hand goes to my back gently.

“It’s okay, Frankie.” I hear him whisper, “Talk to me, tell me how I can help you.”

“Make the pain go away.” I sob and lean against him.

“I don’t know how.” He mumbles, “I wish I did.”

My trembling fingers grip his loose shirt, scared out of my mind as I try to forget. Gerard rubs my back and it doesn’t seem to help me at all, “He hurt me.” I let the words fall freely.

“Who did?” He questions and I shake my head. That was as far as I was going with it.

I whimper and pull at his shirt. Gerard doesn’t seem to mind, he lets me cry on him and doesn’t ask questions. It’s probably the most helpful thing that had ever happened to me before.

“Thank you.”

|||

Sat at dinner with Gerard, I notice he looked a lot better than he had when we first came in. His skin doesn't sag down off his cheeks and he was full of more color. His eyes had a light in them once more. He seemed to be happy, or what I thought was happier than when we got here.

“Are the new pills working better than the others?” I ask Gerard.

“Yeah, from what I can tell so far.” He grins softly. He looked exhausted, which was understandable, he’d been up late a lot working on some comic things.

“I’m glad, though, you should probably sleep tonight, like a regular person.” I chuckle at his drooping eyes.

“I’m not regular, I’m crazy remember.” He jokes, causing me to laugh, “I’m gonna go toss this out.” He says, I noticed that every night he ate almost everything on his plate except for the little cherry tomatoes.

“You have to check it in with Carson first right?” I say and he nods.

“Yeah, I’ll be back.” I notice a small smile on his face.

He gets a couple feet away before he’s stopped by a girl named Allie, she was a complete bitch. She had some kind of illness that causes her to have seizures.

I see him say something to her and she pokes his stomach and says something back. I watch Gerard’s head fall and he slowly shuffles off.  I frown as I watch her sit down, snickering to some other girl who didn’t seem to find it very funny.

Gerard takes a bit to come back, looking dejected and defeated.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I turn to look at him.

Gee shakes his head and sighs, “I think I’m gonna go to bed, do you want me to walk you to your room?” He says with a dull voice.

“Okay.” I stand and toss my food out.

We exit the cafeteria and we make our way down the mostly empty halls, “So, I noticed that you don’t like tomatoes.” I speak and Gerard just shakes his head, all too quiet for me, “I just want to say that I’m really proud of you, you’ve been eating and doing really good. They’re probably going to be sending you home soon.” I frown a little at the thought.

“Thanks.” He mumbles and I kind of give up.

I get to my room and lay down restlessly,

I wanted to go hang out with Gerard but he was tired.

I grumble and slide out of bed, I had to pee and decided I would walk around a bit and see if I got tired. Lazily I shuffle to the bathroom and push the door open. As soon as I do, I notice the sound of gagging stop, glancing in and finding Gerard, his fingers being shoved down his throat and he hadn’t seemed to notice me or that fact that he forgot to lock the door.

I drop the handle and hurry to Gerard’s side, grabbing his hand away from his mouth. He jumps, shocked and obviously shaken by me.

“What are you doing?” I whisper, “Gerard…” He starts to bawl, it looks like he’d brought up most of his dinner already.

I hug him against my chest and he falls limp, his arms going around me. I pet his hair and he grips my shirt, he’s shaking and sobbing so hard that he couldn’t catch his breath.

“I’m sorry.” He chokes and I hug him tighter.

“Shh, don’t apologize, it’s okay.” I press my face into his hair, mom used to hold me like this a lot and it made me feel better.

It takes a long time to calm him down, he’s a complete wreck and I feel horrible, I really don’t know how to fix it.

He looks up at me with tearstained face, it’s pale again, “I’m sorry, Frank. I want you to be proud of me.” He swallows hard.

“I am proud of you. I won’t ever not be proud of you. You’re getting better and part of getting better is getting bad again first.” I tell him softly and he sighs.

“I won’t ever get better if I act like this.”

“Why did you relapse?” I rub at his back.

“That girl, she told me that I was getting fat again and I should just give up.” Gerard’s voice wobbles.

“We’ll report her in the morning and for now, you and I are going to go back to your room and I’m going to sleep in the chair and make sure you don’t do anything stupid.” I twirl his long hair around my fingers.

“You can stay in my bed, you know, you don’t have to sleep in that uncomfortable chair.” He offers and I panic slightly.

“Okay, don’t be offended if I can’t take it.” I say, “I haven’t been able to sleep with anybody else in a long time.” I inform and he squeezes me.

“It’s okay.” He tells me, “Baby steps.”