Voldemort has met his match.
Chapter 1: The Girl
Sarah took a bite out of her hamburger and chewed thoughtfully, staring at the strangers a few hundred feet away from her. She shifted her position slightly, so the branch she was sitting on didn't poke into her side anymore. The strangers were fascinating. One of them was short and looked disturbingly like a rat. He kept pacing around the clearing, looking around with wide eyes. The other one was sitting on the ground, cross-legged, absolutely silent. Both of them were wearing billowing black robes, reminding Sarah of some weird cult. When she finished her hamburger, she climbed out of the tree and tiptoed toward the two. It wasn't exactly difficult, considering that Rat was squeaking and shuffling and whining a lot, and making more noise than six teenage girls possibly could. Sarah suppressed a giggle as she ducked right behind Rat, close enough to reach out and touch his shoulder.
"BOO!" she shouted. Rat jumped at least thirty feet into the air, screaming like a girl all the way. That was more than enough for Sarah. Her knees gave out completely, and she rolled around on the ground, laughing hysterically. Rat wasn't helping to calm her down, because he was now running around in frantic circles, waving what looked like a sparkler, screaming at the top of his lungs. Sarah was laughing so hard that she didn't notice when the second figure stood up and reached into his robe, pulling out a long thin stick. Rat, still in a wild panic, ran headfirst into a tree. Tears were streaming from Sarah's eyes, and her side was aching from laughter. After a few minutes, she was finally calming down, deciding she should probably go make sure that Rat hadn't knocked himself into a coma or something. She looked up, and instantly burst into another fit of laughter.
Standing over her was the other man, and his hood was finally down. His skin was pure white, like he had colored it with a gallon of grease paint. His eyes were huge and bright red, though almost pink around the edges, and his pupils were slitted, like a cat's. He was absolutely bald, and in his hand was a stick, which was now pointed at Sarah. She was still rolling around on the ground, crying with mirth, so she didn't see him narrow his eyes or hear him mutter, "Avada Kedavra!" Sarah fell face first into the ground, twitching, but absolutely silent. The white skinned man turned away from her, smiling smugly, but stopped dead.
He heard laughter.
He turned around slowly. The girl had risen to her knees, clutching her stomach and gasping for breath between bouts of laughter. The man's eyes widened slightly.
After a few more minutes, the laughter faded to wild giggles, and those into chuckling.
"So-so-sorry about that," Sarah gasped, wiping the tears from her face and rising to her feet. "I just had to do it, you know?"
"What. Are. You." The man said. His voice didn't really have a pitch to it. It was more of a hiss.
"Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm Sarah. Sarah... never mind. Just Sarah. What about you? What's your name? Why are you wearing makeup? Where did you get those contacts? Can I have some? What's that stick thingy? What are you doing out here in the middle of the woods? Who's rat boy over there? Did you shave your head yourself or are you just naturally bald?"
"Insolent muggle," the man hissed. "I am Lord Voldemort. Now die." He put a heavy emphasis on the last four words.
"Oh, cool! Are you an actor? Can I have your autograph? Please?" She rummaged through her pockets for a pen and paper.
"Crucio," Lord Voldemort said in irritation.
"Pardon?" Sarah said, looking up.
"Crucio." Lord Voldemort said again.
"What's that mean?"
"Crucio" Voldemort hissed, shaking his wand slightly. Sarah cocked her head to the side.
"Are you okay?" she asked, slightly disturbed.
"I said CRUCIO!" Voldemort shouted, hitting Sarah in the head with the stick.
"Ow!" she cried. "What was that for?" Voldemort's eyes were frighteningly wide now. In his moment of shock, Sarah grabbed the stick out of his hand. "No more pointy objects for you, you jerk!" she snapped.
"Give me my wand," Voldemort said quietly, still in shock from the failure of his favorite curse.
"Not a chance," Sarah said. "You can have it back when you learn not to hit people. Until then, this thing belongs to me." She paused. "Wand?" she asked. "What do you think you are? A wizard?"
"I am the greatest wizard of all time, you foolish girl!"
"And I'm calling the nuthouse. Don't worry, I think you'll like the people there. I hear the men in white are very nice." Voldemort grabbed for his wand.
"You are calling no one, girl. You will give me my wand, and then you will die."
"Spiffy. Tell you what. If you're really a wizard, prove it to me." Voldemort was looking peeved.
"Of course, girl," he crooned. "Give me my wand, and I will prove I am a wizard. All right?" The look in his eyes was of pure loathing, but Sarah seemed to miss this crucial point.
"All right." She shrugged, handing him the wand. As soon as the wand was back in the wizard's hands, he laughed triumphantly and pointed the wand at Sarah.
"AVADA KEDAVERA!" he bellowed. Nothing happened.
"Come to think about it," Sarah offered, "Maybe that thing isn't your wand at all. All the wands I ever heard about had a star at the end or a bunch of jewels or stuff like that. Are you sure you didn't accidentally grab a stick or something?" Of course, while she was saying this, Voldemort occupied himself by shouting every known curse and hex at her, hoping to do anything from kill her to turn her hair green. The only effect, however, was that he became increasingly more irritated.
"For death's sake, INCENDIO!" he shouted, waving his wand to the side in frustration. There was a loud bang and a bright light, and both the wizard and the girl turned around suddenly. The tree that Voldemort had pointed on was on fire. Sarah's eyes were wide.
"Did you do that?" she asked breathlessly, turning back to the wizard.
"Of course I did it, you simpleton," he growled.
"Really? Cool! Do it again! Do it again!" Sarah squealed. Voldemort aimed his wand at her.
"Incendio," he said. Again, nothing happened. He pointed the wand at another tree, repeating the incantation. Obediently, the tree burst into flame. Somewhere behind the two, Wormtail woke up and rose unsteadily to his feet, shaking with his typical panic. Voldemort turned to his servant. "Stupefy," he said. A shot of red light flew from his wand and hit Wormtail, freezing him in his tracks. He repeated the incantation on Sarah. Again, nothing was happening. The girl seemed oblivious.
"Is something wrong?" she asked. "Weren't you planning on killing me or something?"
"Be quiet, muggle," Voldemort said. He turned and began walking away, absently unstunning Wormtail, who followed after his master shakily.
Several minutes passed while Sarah stood unmoving, trying to sort things out.
Lord Voldemort was a wizard.
The thought ran through her head like a toddler with too much sugar.
A real wizard.
When Sarah looked up, she was alone.
The flowers on the grave had wilted. Sarah pushed her dark hair out of her eyes as she bent down and replaced them with fresh white roses. Three months had passed since the tomb's resident had died. Two weeks ago, she had seen a wizard with white skin and red eyes who called himself Lord Voldemort. Sarah knelt before the tombstone and said a soft prayer.
Sarah had stopped at McDonalds for lunch, and was thoughtfully finishing the last of her McChicken as she strolled down one of the more deserted roads in the town. She looked up absently, thinking about the wizards she had seen earlier.
Something black caught her eye as it disappeared behind a distant building.
Of course, stupefied by her excitement, naÃ¯ve as ever, she ran after it, hoping for the impossible.
"Lord Voldemort!" Wormtail squealed as the girl ran in on their supposedly secret hiding place. "She's back! What do you want me to do?"
"I want you to throw yourself from a cliff, but I suspect that you would bungle that as well," Voldemort hissed irritably, earning a giggle from Sarah. He had gotten less sleep than usual, mostly because of the girl that was now standing in front of him. She was a paradox: obviously a muggle, but somehow immune to magic, which was impossible. The one person on whom his spells had ever failed before was Harry Potter, and he was sure the experience hadn't been repeated. He wasn't sure what to do about her. He detested the idiotic killing strategies that muggles used-knives were too messy, guns too loud, hanging took too long. He could always tell Wormtail to crush her throat, but that would require him to praise the little rat, which was beyond where he drew the line. He stared at Sarah in annoyance.
"What are you doing here, you foolish girl?" he asked, resigning himself to talking to her until he got the chance to push her off the roof of some building. "Does your mother know where you are?" Had he gotten more sleep over the last couple of weeks, he would probably have said something really nasty, but for the moment he was far too tired.
"She knows," Sarah said casually. "She's watching me right now." At this, Wormtail spun around, tripped, and landed face first on the ground, his eyes wide. Sarah laughed brightly. "She's always watching me," she explained when she stopped laughing. "She's dead." This caught Voldemort's interest.
"Indeed?" he hissed. "How, exactly, did she die?" Sarah looked thoughtful for a moment.
"I'm not telling." She said in a singsong voice.
"Then why are you here?"
AN: Well, Read and Review. Flame it if you want-it's a bit half-baked, but it'll get better. Really. And email me if you have any ideas or jokes you would like to submit. Remember-it's supposed to be a comedy. And someday I will come back and work the kinks out of it.
I know it's kind of serious right now, but it's just to explain a few things. It gets funnier. Really.