Categories > TV > Red Dwarf

Uniforms are not Swimsuits

by Zekkass 0 reviews

There's a pool on the Red Dwarf...

Category: Red Dwarf - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor - Warnings: [!] - Published: 2006-09-21 - Updated: 2006-09-22 - 1074 words - Complete

0Unrated
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Rimmer is so vain it's almost not funny.

Lister's watching Rimmer try on different uniforms. Red Dwarf offers several uniform styles, and Rimmer's trying them all. Now that there are no more officers, Rimmer wants a different uniform.

So far, he's tried on the captain's uniform, the senior officer's uniform, and several others, all above his own rank.

"Why don't you keep that one?" Holly asks, already tired of the whole business.

Rimmer turns, not quite satisfied with the uniform's fit. "Hm. No. Give me the blue one."

Holly sighs and replaces the uniform. "Is that better?"

"No. Bring back the red one."

By now he's at the medical uniforms, but they really don't suit him.

Lister shakes his head. "Rimmer."

"What?"

"You aren't a doctor."

"So?"

"Pick a different uniform."

"...Why should I listen to you?"

"It looks stupid."

"...Fine. Holly, give me, oh, the communication officer's uniform."

Holly nods and then Rimmer's dressed in the green communications officer uniform. Lister immediately likes it. The hat's stupid looking, but the green is nice. Not that he'll ever say so to Rimmer, but he likes it.

Rimmer paces in front of the mirror, examining the fit and feel of it. Then he nods and tries a salute. "I like it. Holly, I'm keeping this one."

"Alrighty then. Are you finished?"

"Yes."

Rimmer nods sharply and walks out of the room, pleased with the uniform. Lister hears him muttering "Amazing hat..." as he leaves, and decides to leave it. If Rimmer wants to look like a hat-maker's nightmare, then he can.

---

Later, The Cat skates into their room excitedly.

"There's a pool on this can! I'm going swimming!"

Lister immediately puts down his magazine. "Where?!"

"Deck Forty. Behind the saunas." Rimmer doesn't look up from his book.

Lister whips around to face Rimmer. "You knew there was a pool here and you didn't tell me? Are you insane?"

"I thought you didn't like baths."

"This is different! Come on, let's go!" Lister turns to go with the Cat, but he's already gone. He sighs and starts searching for a pair of boxers he can use. "Rimmer, you coming?"

"No. I can't feel the water. It would be a waste of time."

"Sure, sure. Make Holly give you a swimsuit and come anyway." Lister finally finds a semi-clean pair of boxers and dashes out of the room. Rimmer watches him leave, and almost gets back to his book when Holly comes onto the monitor.

"Where's Lister going? Is there a problem that I don't know about?"

"He found out about the swimming pool."

"...He did? Oh dear."

"Exactly."

Holly thinks about this for a second. "You aren't joining him?"

"No. If I can't feel the water, what's the point?"

"To have fun, silly. Try it."

"..I'm busy." Rimmer protests. He would like to go swimming, but then again...

"Tough luck." Holly nods sharply and puts him into a pair of emerald green swimming boxers.

"Hey!" Rimmer jumps out of his seat and glares at Holly. "Give me my clothing back."

"Go swimming first." Then the screen blacks out.

Grumbling, Rimmer starts off for Deck Forty.

---

The swimming pool has a diving board, so the Cat is practicing his poses on it, along with various dives. Lister's already in the pool, doing slow laps around the shallow end.

Rimmer strides into the room, glances at the Cat's dive, is not impressed, and then walks down the steps into the water.

Something tells him that it's warm, but other than that the only sensation is...nothing. It's creepy to look down and see that he's halfway into the water but he still feels nothing.

Lister interrupts his reverie by splashing over and almost managing to swim through Rimmer. He swerves to the right, though and misses Rimmer completely. The ripples flicker slightly when they go through him, but they are uninterrupted when they emerge on the other side.

"Hey, yer in!"

"I'm not staying very long. Holly forced me in here." Rimmer crosses him arms and wonders when he'll get his clothing back.

"He did? Huh." Lister twiddles his fingers in the water. "You didn't want to get in?"

"I was busy."

"Ah...I see. Studying astro-physics again, were you?"

"Yes." Rimmer sighs and steps further into the water. "Holly? How soon until I can get out?"

Holly appears on a side screen that's far away from the water. "When you're ready."

Lister grins. "He'll keep you in here for hours! Tell me, how'd you irritate him this time?"

"I don't know. I-"

The Cat bursts from the water, gracefully showering everyone in the area with water. He shrieks with laughter and races past them to go get on the diving board again.

"Cat!" Rimmer saw what the Cat was wearing...

"What?" He stops in his tracks, confused.

"Why are you wearing a speedo?"

"Because it's sexy, goalpost head!" And the Cat saunters off, secure in his own sexiness.

Lister giggles and dives under the water, leaving Rimmer to mutter nasty things about small swimsuits.

---

Rimmer sits at the bottom of the pool and watches the light dance on the surface. It's peaceful down here, and that's a blessing. Life on the Red Dwarf is forced into a frantic pace by the Cat and Lister so they don't get bored.

In deep space, boredom is the most dangerous thing around. It makes even the most patient crew-member ready and willing to try the most daring of pranks.

Unfortunately, the most patient member of the Red Dwarf's crew is Holly, and he's had plenty of time to get bored.

Rimmer watches Lister splash into the pool with a cannon-ball and wonders if he'll ever be able to get away from the water.

---

A few seconds later, the Cat accidentally dives straight down and into Rimmer.

Rimmer springs to his feet and attempts to tell off the Cat, but the water warps his voice into a murble.

The Cat grins, flips him off, and swims off.

Rimmer returns to his examination of the pool's surface and debates ordering the skutters to put itching powder into the Cat's underwear collection.

---

When Lister and the Cat finally tire of swimming and head to get into clothing, Holly lets Rimmer have his new uniform back.

He thanks her tersely at her insistence and then goes off to study Esperanto.

Later, he thinks, he'll have to try swimming again.

Maybe when Lister's practicing guitar...

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