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Hawkeye's Dissection.


Sure many of you are familiar with MASH. It was a sitcom about wisecracking Army Doctors that took place during the Korean War. It lasted from 1972-1983. Come to think of it, MASH lasted longer than the real Korean War.

Sometimes there were episodes where the 4077th did some surgeries for wounded soldiers. However, that doesn't measure up to the horror I've once witnessed. What is this horror you might ask? The events that happened in an unaired episode of MASH that I had seen.

If you thought the series finale of MASH was sad. What I am about to tell you doesn't not even compare.

The trouble began one day during the fall of 2013. In a small town in West Virginia where I resided. I was at a Farmer's Market selling a fresh load of vegetables from my crop. My family and I grew a vegetable garden in my farm and we went to the market to sell them. One costumer came by who was standing in line.

He was dressed in a blue suit, sunglasses, and had a bald head. I asked him, "How can I help you?" He didn't say a word to me. All he did was stare at me blankly. I told him, "Is there a problem?" Then he responded by handing me a VHS tape whispers, "Get rid of this for me." Taking the tape, I said, "Fine, whatever."

Keeping the tape until the Farmer's Market came to a close, my family and I managed to sell all our vegetables at the market and made a good amount of money with it. Then I remembered the VHS tape the stranger gave me. Deciding to keep the tape, I waited until I got home to see what this could be.

Once my family got settled, they were upstairs watching the news. My sister went out on a date. I had the basement to myself. Had the VHS tape and decided to look at it for any defects. The VHS itself looked brand new. The label on it looked like it had been on for over 50 years. That was weird, I thought. How can a new looking VHS Tape have an years old label on it?

Looking at the label, it reads in faint black ink, "MASH UNAIRED EPISODE: HAWKEYE." Wonder what this could be? A lost episode of MASH? Hmm. Maybe it's good. Never really was too crazy for MASH, but my father liked it. MASH was an okay show to me, just not the greatest thing in the world.

Luckily for my family, we still had a VCR that was in good condition. I hit play. Something I had done that I would soon regret....maybe forever...


When the tape began to play, it started off as any other MASH episode. But only, something was very different. The color seemed in a sepia tone, and instead of the instrumental version of the theme song Suicide Is Painless playing, it was singing the lyrics. However, the singing of the lyrics sounded like it was being sang through a megaphone. Then the cast of characters were displayed in orange, saying the usual, "STARRING ALAN ALDA JAMIE FARR HARRY MORGAN MCLEAN STEVENSON." Thought that was weird.

Before the episode, the title reads, "HAWKEYE'S DISSECTION." I was like, "What?" I knew on the show he did surgeries. But a dissection? Way too far fetched. Even for a comedy.

The episode begins as the exterior of the 4077th was shown. Then it was shown inside. There he was. Hawkeye. He was sitting in the tent. Alone. Crying. Hawkeye's crying sounded like he was a million miles away.

Entering the tent, there was Hot Lips, Radar, and Corporal Maxwell. Instead of a dress, Corporal Maxwell was wearing swaddling clothing that had photo realistic blood on it.

"Hey, Hawkeye? What's going on." asks Radar. Hawkeye didn't respond. He still cried and cried. I kept thinking, "What kind of episode of MASH IS THIS!?"

Hot Lips tries to talk to him, "You just can't keep it inside, tell us!" Hawkeye turned to Hot Lips, but still remained quiet and crying. Hawkeye handed something to Hot Lips. As soon as she took a look at it.

There was the teddy bear. It looked like it had been through hell. The teddy bear looked dingy, dirty. The eyes had been ripped out, like it had been burned. Radar takes a look at the bear and screams. Radar's scream sounded like an loud echo, as if he witnessed a bloody murder.

"I can't take this anymore! I've had it!" Hawkeye yelled out, like he was having a nervous breakdown. Running out of the 4077th, Hawkeye runs by Henry Blake. He goes over and asks Hot Lips, Radar, and Maxwell. Then they all had a conversation about how concerned they were about Hawkeye's strange behavior.

Could not make out what any of them said. The audio turned silent. Tried to turn up the volume and still could not hear what they were saying. Then I thought I heard Maxwell say, "ETERNITY". Shook me to my core.

Hawkeye runs out into the middle of nowhere. The classical music song Sabre Dance began to play. But it was slow. From far away, he sees a little boy sitting all by himself. Hawkeye walks to the little boy who had his back turned. The song stopped midway. Hawkeye talks to the little boy, "Are you okay, kid?"

Slowly turning his head towards Hawkeye, the little boy was Korean and he stared blankly at Hawkeye. Then the little boy's eyes turned into a hyper realistic flaring red. Hawkeye had a terrorized expression on his face, and for some reason after the little Korean boy stared at Hawkeye, he fell over.

The screen goes black for five minutes. I kept pinching myself to see if I was dreaming. I wasn't. This was real. All. Too. Real. When the screen comes back on. It shows the inside of what seemed to be a military hospital.

I hear screams and cries. The voice sounded very deep. As if somebody was yelling out for help. The hallway of the military hospital had a South Korean flag on the walls. Then it slowly crept up to an open door.

What I was about to bare witness to, will scar me for life. Inside was an operating room. The doctors and nurses are Korean and even speaking Korean. They all had surgical instruments that were being used that had skin tissue and blood all over. Then I saw it.

As soon as the Korean doctors moved away to the other side in the operating room. There it was. Hawkeye, strapped to the bed. Helpless. Cut open like a vivisection.

Hawkeye was screeching in pain. "STOP! STOP! HELP ME! PLEASE SAVE ME! HOT LIPS! MAXWELL! RADAR! HENRY! I MISS YOU!" His screeches sounded like he a message recording on a telephone. Even some beeps were heard which I assume was the heart monitor.

The Korean doctors talk, there were no subtitles so I did not understand what they were saying. That was until one of the doctors got a sawblade and cut it into Hawkeye's skull. Hawkeye was gurgling and spitting up blood that looked extremely photo realistic. I heard evil laughter from the Korean doctors and nurses nonstop throughout.

One of the Korean doctors took out Hawkeye's brain and began to cut it open like a fish. What I was about to see next was the real shocker. One of the Korean doctors inserted something like appeared to be some robot parts into Hawkeye's head and chest then sewed him back up.

After they were all done, the Korean doctors talked once more but the audio became silent again. The only words I can make out where, "WE GOT THEM THIS TIME!" I thought who were they talking about? The 4077th?

The screen this time goes gray. I was about to jump out of my skin I was so terrified of what I had seen. "Who the fuck wrote this episode!" "Who hired the sadist that thought this would make a good episode of MASH?!"

When the episode came back on, it shows the 4077th. Hot Lips, Maxwell (still dressed in the bloody clothes), Radar, and Henry were sitting on chairs. A helicopter was heard, everyone ran out to see who was arriving. Out came Hawkeye. Who appeared to be in a zombified state. Like a trance. They all rejoiced when he returned. Maxwell runs up to Hawkeye and says, "I knew you couldn't stay away for too long."

Klinger ran to Hawkeye but he was disemboweled. Gasped in terror at that. What did those Koreans do to Hawkeye?

Suddenly out of the blue, Hawkeye had a machine gun and begins to speak in monotonish Korean. The only English word he said was "Grapemihide." "Hawkeye? What the hell?" asked Maxwell. Hawkeye begins to fire the machine gun. His first victim was Radar. Who was shot over 1000 times.

Hawkeye's next victim was Hot Lips whom he shot then stripped off her clothes and raped her dead body. Then Hawkeye rips off Maxwell's head with his bare hands as bloody flew all around.


Frozen in shock, Henry was the only one left. "Hawkeye! What happened? This isn't like you at all!" Hawkeye didn't respond and he shot Henry in cold blood without any regards for anyone's life. Hawkeye then walks around with the machine gun leaving a bloody mess where ever he shot people.

When it was all over, everybody at the 4077th was dead. Hawkeye's face was shown up close. Tried like hell to press the stop button, it would not stop on the VCR. Hawkeye says in English plain as day in a haunting vampire like voice, "SUICIDE IS NOT PAINLESS! BUT MURDER IS!"

Using the machine gun he used to kill his friends, Hawkeye takes the machine gun and shoots himself and commits suicide. A bomb blast was heard. the whole 4077th base was blown to smithereens as the closing credits song version of Suicide is Painless played.

Some letters came on that read "RIP HAWKEYE RADAR HOT LIPS HENRY YOU WILL BE MISSED. THANKS FOR THE LAUGHTER. HAVE A NICE DAY." The episode ended right then and there.

Ejecting the tape out of the VCR. I can see why now that mysterious man at the Farmer's Market wanted to be rid of the tape. Being so scared shitless about seeing this terrible episode of MASH, I managed to destroy the tape with a hammer and flushed it down the toilet. The tape went down nice and easy. As I was breaking the tape I myself was in a trance like state just like Hawkeye was.

The next day I went on the internet and asked a MASH page on Reddit if they had seen the episode. Described all the gory details about the nightmare that was Hawkeye's Dissection. Didn't want to tell my parents because they would not have believed me anyway. When I came to the MASH Reddit page I saw my post about the lost episode had been erased.

Feeling defeated, I turned off my computer and decided to give up on solving this riddle about the unaired MASH episode. If no other fans of MASH knew of the episode, what was the point in trying to find out? I vowed never to watch MASH again.