Yuffie stole materia, ascended pagoda and went to sleep. But in the morning, everything went wrong. Mild Vincent/Yuffie and oneshot. Really weird but somewhat funny, some cursing.
Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own rights to them and it's probably just as well.
Yuffie plopped down on her futon, totally worn out by the day's events. In the morning, she had stolen AVALANCHE's Materia only to be chased by them, caught by an ugly pervert, threatened to be made into a Yuffie, the pervert's bride, then Yuffie, the squished tomato (you can guess which one she'd prefer - long live the tomato!), finally being rescued by the very same people she had robbed blind before. And that was only the beginning. Somehow, she had let out a word about the ascension ritual and Cloud, being the jerk of the group, had asked if she would be able to make it while they had been staying in Wutai as he hadn't known when they would have the time to return there.
It was the worst afternoon of her life. But, she gazed at the Leviathan Materia in her hand, it was so worth it. The feeling of satisfaction as she had finally defeated the monstrous form her father had assumed in the fight was better than being sugar high and on the same level as the feeling she got when finding a new and rare Materia. Letting out a sigh, Yuffie brought her attention to a small group of three men that filtered into the house behind her.
"Will it be all right if we rest for the night? I'm spent."
"Sure, Yuffie," Cloud assured her. "Just tell us where the inn is and we'll go there."
"Don't be stupid," Yuffie scowled at him. "I've got enough room for the three of you. You've got your sleeping bags, right? You can get some spare tatami mats from the basement and stay in the front of the room. I'll pull the screen so I'll have some privacy. No sense in wasting gil when it can be put into better use buying supplies."
"Or Materia for you to steal," Cid pointed out, puling out a cigarette from his pack.
"Hey, no smoking inside!" Yuffie quickly pulled one of her sneakers off and with an accuracy born out of a life-long training nailed Cid in the face. He let out a long string of curses but calmed down somewhat after Yuffie weighed her other shoe threateningly. "Good night then. Cloud, Cid, Vinnie," after geting a nod from each of them, she pulled the screen across the room and fell asleep almost immediately, leaving the three men to fend for themselves.
When Yuffie woke up in the morning, she felt much better. She stretched like a cat and climbed out of her futon, getting ready for a trek to the Tiny Bronco. She located one of her sneakers and hopped around on one leg, trying to find the other one when she remembered what she had done with it. She pulled away the screen and jumped nearly three feet into the air when she saw who was in her house.
"Godo! What are you doing here?"
He turned to her, a terrible frown on his face.
"I came to wish you good luck and found these men in here. What is the meaning of that?"
"A meaning? I put them up so they didn't have to pay for the night in the inn. It's not like it's against the law to help out your friends."
"It is," Godo spoke gravely and elaborated. "Especially when those friends are unmarried men."
"What kind of nonsense is that? How could that be-"
"Yuffie," Godo started speaking very quickly. "You are a young woman who isn't married and you spent the night in the company of men who aren't married either. Your reputation is soiled. You'll never get married and it can threaten your position as my heir."
"Excuse me?" Yuffie couldn't believe her own ears. She had never heard about anything like that before. "How come I never heard 'bout it?"
"It's an ancient law. I, of course, understand that during your travels you might have met with other customs but others won't be so understanding."
This was getting seriously weird. Godo was being understanding and... dare she say it... supportive? That was new. And weird. Was there some 'people changing' Materia she had never seen and Godo had found it? That was the only possible explanation. As for that stupid law, she loved her country but it had no right to tell her how to spend her nights or who with. Not that anything happened.
"But nothing happened!"
"It doesn't matter. The only fact is that they spent the night here."
"Say something," Yuffie turned to her male companions. Damn Cloud! Couldn't he have brought Tifa or Aeris? "It's your fault as well."
"Erm," Cloud coughed. "Is there something we could do to help?"
"There is one thing," Godo spoke thoughtfully. "However, it is a very permanent solution."
"How permanent?" Vincent asked.
"Lifelong commitment to make Yuffie a respectable woman."
"Huh?" Yuffie didn't like where this conversation was going. She didn't like it at all.
"WHAT???" the scream could be heard all the way through the town. "No fucking way! I'm not getting married just because some dead assholes thought up a rule. I'm just sixteen. I've got crazy men with long hair to stop, adventures to go on, Materia to find. I can't settle down."
"But your husband would be one of these three so I guess it wouldn't be a problem to continue your journey."
Yuffie looked at the three men and noted they all looked surprised - Cloud and Cid's mouth were hanging open and Vincent's eyes were slightly widened. At least they were as shocked as her. There was some comfort in that thought.
"No. I refuse."
"Yuffie, if you don't do as the law says, you'll be outcast and may even be exiled."
"Now you're just pulling my leg. You said my reputation would be soiled. That's not the same as making me an exile."
"But you're a member of the ruling family. Laws are more strict for us."
"Oh gawd," Yuffie buried her head in her hands. The situation was quickly spiraling out of control. It was like a terrible nightmare. Yes, that was it. She was still asleep and was having a nightmare and-
"So the only way to help Yuffie is that one of us marries her?" Cloud interrupted her thought processes.
"That's right," Godo nodded.
"Well, it can't be me," Cid said with more relief than Yuffie thought appropriate for the situation. It was her life at stake, after all.
"Hey! Don't tell me you agree with that."
"Sorry brat. Law is law and as I !#$@ said, I can't do it," Cid raised his left hand and pulled off his glove. A simple gold band was on his ring finger.
"You're married?" Yuffie gasped. The shock of that revelation overcame her worry about her fate temporarily.
"Four years, to Shera."
"But you treated her like crap when we visited. She destroyed your dream, you said so."
"Ah, you're still a !#$@ kid. I got over it. Sometimes we play like that so she can apologize to me, beg for forgiveness, if you catch my draft," the pilot wiggled his eyebrows and Yuffie turned green.
"I'm going to be sick. That's not an image I want in my head."
"What about you?" Godo turned to Cloud who scratched his head sheepishly.
"I didn't want you guys to find out this way, but..." he pulled out a chain he was wearing around his neck. And on it-
"A ring? You're married, too?" Yuffie was feeling like everything that could go wrong, went wrong. How come she hadn't found out before? Am I loosing my touch? That was a horrifying thought.
"Yes. Me and Tifa-"
"Tifa?" Yuffie considered Tifa a friend. Why didn't she tell her?
"Yes. We got married in Golden Saucer on our first visit."
"But, Aeris..." she shouldn't have gone to Chocobo Racing, she could see what a mistake it was now.
"Aeris was Tifa's witness and Barret mine," a goofy smile appeared on Cloud's face. "It was a wonderful ceremony. Tifa put on white miniskirt because she couldn't find a dress so quickly-"
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Yuffie yelled at him and grabbed him to shake some sense into him. "You are Cloud! You don't smile like that! You don't go around marrying girls at random! And you!" she spinned to face Vincent who stood there until then, observing everything silently. "Are you married too? Did you and that Lucrecia whatever tie the knot before she carked it? Did you? Are you going to pull out a ring out of thin air and confess? Huh?"
"No. Lucrecia and I were not married. As a matter of fact, we were just friends."
"Aargh!" Yuffie came close to pulling out her hair. Everyone was behaving in a strange way. Well, Cid wasn't. She expected something perverse like that from him. But Cloud? He was supposed to be torn between Tifa and Aeris, a gloomy hero suffering from his inability to pick one. And Vincent? He said Lucrecia had been beautiful. You didn't talk that way about your friends. So it was clear. Someone and I'm not saying any names, right, Leviathan? up there hated her and took a great enjoyment in tormenting her. As was proved by the scene taking place in her room which right now took the turn for worse.
"So you would be able to marry my daughter?" Godo perked up, looking at Vincent.
"It appears so."
"And would you?"
Yuffie was stunned by the question. Her father, as in the man who brought her up and was supposed to kill every guy who as much as looked at her, was trying to get her married? And to Vincent of all people? Vincent who seemed to be thinking about it? Please, Vincent, say no, say no. I'm too young to be tied down.
"Yes, I would."
"No! No! No! Vincent! How could you?"
"It is for your own good."
"But what about you?"
"I do not mind."
"Well, I do. It's not that I hate you or anything but, for Leviathan's sake, we barely know each other. We can't get married," forgetting what kind of help she had received from them before, she turned to Cloud and Cid, who were looking at this little drama. "Guys, please, tell him it's a stupid idea. Please!"
"Better him than me," Cid grinned at her. "Congratulations brat. You'll soon be Mrs Valentine."
"Sorry Yuffie. I agree with Cid."
Traitors! Damn traitors! I should have kept the best Materia for myself and then told you I had lost it. Yuffie was seriously thinking about commiting quadruple murder, starting with her so-called friends and finishing with her father.
"So it's agreed," the man in question smiled for the first time since he had entered the room. "I'll go tell others in Pagoda to start preparing everything. I think you could wear your mother's kimono for this occasion, what do you think?"
"But I don't want to get married," Yuffie tried to reason with her father one last time. "Isn't it a condition to have the bride's consent?"
"Not when she's underage which you still are," Godo smiled at her, nodded at Cloud and Cid and shook Vincent's hand. "Welcome to family, son."
Yuffie stared in horror as her life took a turn in a direction she had never imagined it to go. There was only one thing she could do. Her knees buckled and she fell to the ground with a dull thud.
Yuffie opened her eyes slowly. She was in a bed and she took it as a good sign. There was no bed in her or her father's house. She turned her head to the side and screamed.
He was sitting in a chair next to the bed, watching her.
"You're finally awake," he noted. Yuffie tried to sit up but a sudden vertigo made her reconsider. She grasped her head.
"Ouch. My head's hurting."
"That is not surprising after the amount of alcohol you have consumed at the wedding."
Wedding. Yuffie shot out of the bed as she remembered what had happened prior to her passing out.
"We are married?"
Vincent gave her a strange look.
"As far as I know, no, we aren't."
"Thank Leviathan," Yuffie plopped down on the bed, not noticing Vincent's expression. "Then whose wedding it was?"
"Cloud and Tifa."
"They didn't get married in Golden Saucer on their first visit?"
Vincent stood up and leaned over her, putting his right hand over her forehead.
"You do not have fever," he said with just a barest hint of surprise. Yuffie swatted his hand away.
"Ha-ha. Very funny. But I could swear that he was already married to her when we went to Wutai for the first time. Cid, too."
At the mention of Cid's name, Vincent's mouth curled in a smile.
"What is it?" Yuffie asked.
"I imagine he must be in a similar state right now."
A piece of puzzle fell into place and Yuffie remembered the reason for her headache. A drinking contest with Cid over the name of his first child. The one Shera was expecting after two years of marriage. And slowly, all other missing pieces appeared in her mind.
"It was just a crazy dream," she sighed in relief. Then she propped herself on her elbows, looking questioningly at Vincent. "Well, who won?"
"Cid's firstborn daughter is going to be called Yuffie Highwind."
"Yes!" Yuffie cried out. "I'm the best, I won. Ouch," the headache made its presence known again.
"Take it easy," Vincent advised. "Maybe you could tell me about that dream of yours."
"It was really weird. Godo wanted me to get married to either you, Cid or Cloud because there was some strange law saying so but Cloud and Cid both said they were married and you weren't and Godo was all 'Could you marry her?' and you were 'I don't mind' and then he called you son. That's when I fainted."
"So me marrying you is that terrible?"
"No!" Yuffie didn't want him to think that. They had been together for over a year. It was just- "The way it happened in the dream was terrible. I couldn't even decide for myself."
"Ah," Vincent retrieved something from the table. "Then I guess I still have a chance."
Yuffie blinked. What was he going on about? He handed her a small box. A small black box. A small black velvet box. Yuffie gulped and slowly opened it.
"I meant to ask you last night but then you decided to get drunk."
"You... you mean... I... you..." Yuffie shut up. Then her brain kicked the rest of her into an action. She leapt out of bed and latched onto Vincent. "Yes. I will- ouch."
I hate hangovers.
Vincent helped her to lie down again.
"Go back to sleep and then we will tell others."
"'Kay," Yuffie reached to stop him as he turned away. "Just one thing. The moment Godo calls you son, we're eloping."
AN: I really have nothing to say to this. There's not much fluff (more like zero) but I wanted this to be more funny than fluffy. At least, I hope it's funny.