Categories > Anime/Manga > Love Hina > Top Banana

Part Two

by Lord_Raa 0 Reviews

Kaolla needs a favour. AU/divergent fun from your fiend, Lord Raa

Category: Love Hina - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Characters:  - Warnings: [!!] [?] - Published: 2006/11/05 - Updated: 2006/11/05 - 3740 words

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Top Banana


By Lord Raa


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Disclaim-me-do: Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside.


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Part Two...


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Kaolla knocked on the door to Motoko's room.

"Enter."

"Hi Motoko, I need your help."

"Hi Su-chan, what can I do for you?" the kendoist asked looking up from her notebook.

The blonde closed the door behind her, uncharacteristically displaying a need for privacy. "I want your help to keep Keitaro safe."

"Keep Urashima safe? Why? Is he in danger?" Motoko asked, having now closed her notebook. "I thought that he could withstand almost any amount of punishment."

"Well, I'm worried that everyone will still want to play with him," the mechanical genius answered.

"I see. And just how will people 'playing' with Urashima endanger him?"

"I heard Naru saying something about making Keitaro bark like the dog he is. Keitaro's not a dog, he's a Keitaro - he should be free to roam about the house!" Kaolla declared with a fire of righteous justice burning in her eyes.

'No! Keitaro-sempai can't like that sort of thing ... If he did, that means he can't be the sort of man to take charge and...' Motoko mused with a blush upon her flawless cheeks. "Are you sure about this, Su?"

"Very sure, I recorded it a couple of nights ago," the blonde insisted. "Here," she said as she pulled out a small electronic device with an LCD screen

The kendoist was treated to a visual recording of the inside of Naru's room. In it Naru as pacing in her room, cursing the landlord of the inn and declaring him to be the most perverted man alive.

"¬One of these days I'll make him pay! I'll make him bark like the dog that he is and beg for mercy!¬"

Motoko blinked and winced as her friend went on to describe her planned punishment to Kitsune.

"¬Calm down, Naru, it's not like Keitaro meant to walk in when Shinobu was washing your special panties,¬" the busty girl rolled her eyes.

"¬Pfft, if you say so, Kitsune. You never know with someone like him,¬" Naru muttered angrily.

"I see," the raven haired girl mused. "Urashima does have some awful luck, but I don't think that he deserves that kind of abuse. I'll keep an eye out for him, Su-chan, but I won't let him get away with displaying any of his perversions."

"Ok, Motoko," Kaolla nodded happily.

"And I'm only doing this to keep a certain fact a secret," Motoko added.

"Of course!" Su smiled as she stretched and suddenly acquired a new set of batteries. "Time to start work on Mecha Tama version 6.7! This one'll have TOW missiles!"

And with that, the blonde bounced out of the room to work on a weapon of mass destruction.


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On the island paradise of Molmol, Amalla Su sat in the hospital with a concerned look on her face. She noticed that her father was speaking to the doctor.

"I'm afraid it's not looking good, Amalla," the grey haired man said with an apologetic look on his face. "The doctors are telling me that there's an infection in the leg wounds that mean they may have to amputate them."

"... but why would Shiro bite him like that?" the tanned woman asked in a soft voice. "I asked the guards about what happened, but they said something about him 'fooling around with a man'... why would he want a man when he was going to be married to me?"

"I don't know, Amalla," King Mamba Su said as he gave his eldest daughter a comforting embrace. "I have some news from Kaolla."

"You do? What's she up to now? Is she still blowing that 'Keitaro' of hers up?" Amalla asked with a smile.

"Well, apparently, she's asked him to marry her," the monarch explained.

"What?"

"I know, I know," heavy-set man chuckled. "But she thinks that marrying him is the best option as he isn't going to make a play for power."

"That's a surprisingly mature attitude from Kaolla," Amalla mused. "But if he makes her happy, then I don't see why they can't get engaged, at least for a little while."

"Me neither. We'll take it as it comes. If this Keitaro's not suitable, then we'll arrange for a new fiancé," Mamba decided. "Now the only question is: what does a Prince Consort do? Other than sleep with the Queen, that is."


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"KEITARO~~~!" Kaolla happily called out for her fiancé. "Where are you?"

"I'm cleaning the baths out, Su," the landlord replied as he looked up from his task. "Is there anything you need from me?"

"Are you free this weekend? I wanted to take you home to meet my parents," the blonde answered.

"But that's a long flight, isn't it?"

"It's about nine and a half hours, if we get a good tailwind," Su smiled.

"I'd love to, Su, but I can't afford the plane ticket," Keitaro apologised. "I just don't have that kind of money to spare, sorry."

"I'll take care of it," the princess insisted. "I do have a stipend to take care of all my bills, plus there's the emergency 'let's get Kaolla on the first flight home' fund."

"If you insist, but isn't this a bit extravagant for a weekend trip?"

"No, extravagant would be calling daddy for the jet," Kaolla smiled teasingly. "So then, I'll book the flights and we'll leave together!"

"Urashima!" Motoko bellowed as she approached her landlord. "What are you planning to do with Su-chan on your depraved little outing far away from here?"

"I wasn't planning to do anything to Su! She invited me to Molmol!" Keitaro insisted.

"That's a long time to be alone with Su-chan," the kendoist mused. "Perhaps it would be better if I was accompanying you. It would put everyone's minds at rest."

"That's not a bad idea," Kitsune spoke up from the doorway to the bathing area. "But all of us going would be a better one."

"Yes, but you can only come if you're buying your own tickets," Kaolla smiled.

"But you're paying for Keitaro's, aren't you?" the vixen asked, slightly hurt at being left out.

"Well, he's my concubine," the tanned girl explained.

"Concubine?" the voluptuous woman repeated.

"She meant fiancé," Motoko insisted with a blush. "Didn't you, Su?"

"Concubine, fiancé, what's the difference?" the princess asked, her head tilted to her right as she scratched the inside of her ear. "All I remember Lolla saying was that it's all about the nookie."

"Who's Lolla, Su-chan?" Kitsune asked.

"She's my step-mum, she's married to my dad with my mum," Kaolla explained. "When you're the King of Molmol, you can marry as many women as you want."

"Oh, I see..." the residents of the Inn nodded in unison.

"But I don't know what we'll be doing in the case of Keitaro, seeing as he won't be king," the tanned girl shrugged. "But I do know that as queen, I don't want lots of husbands. That would just be weird."

Keitaro wore a look of relief when he heard that. He didn't like the idea of sharing Su with other, more suitable and no doubt more desirable men. 'Gah, I can't believe that I even thought about Su in that way... damn, I am a pervert.'

"Keitaro, is something wrong?" Kaolla asked. She peered into to her fiancé's eyes. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Y-yeah, I'm just still a bit bewildered why you would want to be married to me," the ronin answered. "Why did you pick me again? I mean I'm not nobility, I'm clumsy, I'm not doing so well with my studies..."

"You're also a decent guy at heart," the princess interrupted, placing a finger on his lips. "That and I saw your man-banana the other day."

"Man-banana?" Kitsune asked with a smirk. "So, is Keitaro generously equipped?"

"Kitsune!" Motoko protested. "Don't say things like that, you'll put ideas in his head!"

"Urashima," Naru growled as she edged towards her landlord, her hand clenched into a fist. "You had better not have exposed yourself to Su-chan..."

"I didn't!" Keitaro insisted.

"Aauuu, I wish Sempai would expose himself to me..." Shinobu mumbled with a blush.

A deafening silence descended on the bathing area.

"I-I-I just said that out loud, didn't I?" the chef asked rhetorically as she willed the earth to open up and swallow her whole there and then.

The assembled residents nodded slowly.

Kaolla displayed her true strength and hoisted the bewildered man onto her shoulder in a fireman's carry and ran off to her room. "No, Keitaro is my toy! I get to play with him first!"

"Hey, don't I get any say in this?" Keitaro protested as he watched his friends slowly shrink into the distance.

"Hey, come back with my brother!" a new voice called out, causing the princess to skid to a halt.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Kanako," the girl introduced. "Are you that Su girl that's planning on taking my brother away?"

"Kanako-chan, what are you doing here?" Keitaro asked after he managed to climb off the slender girl who was carrying him so effortlessly.

"Well, Onii-chan," Kanako said with her arms folded across her chest, "I'm here to find out what's going on with you and your sudden engagement."

"Onii-chan? What's an 'Onii-chan'? Are they good to eat?" Kaolla asked innocently.

"'Onii-chan' means 'big brother', Su," Haruka explained walking up to the scene. "I'd rather you didn't run off like that, Kanako-chan, you never know how people are going to react to girls chasing after Keitaro without explanations."

"Sorry, Haruka-san, but you know what a baka Onii-chan is," the gothic girl replied. "So then, this is the girl that's trying to seduce and corrupt my brother, eh? Well, I'm going to need some convincing about this."

The tanned girl walked up to Kanako and examined her closely. "Why don't you want me to marry Keitaro? Did you want to put him to the test first?"

"W-w-w-what?" Kanako spluttered.

"I think you like Keitaro," Kaolla smiled teasingly. "Why should I let you play with Keitaro? He's going to be my husband."

"B-b-but you're just a kid, why do you get to marry Keitaro?" the raven haired Keitaro lover countered.

"Because I asked him first!" the princess beamed happily. "I might share later, but that's only if you're good."

Before anyone could say anything more, the landlord was dragged off to the tanned girl's room.


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"Su, what's going on? You've never acted like this before."

"Well the thing is, Keitaro, that I have been starting to think about certain things more and more often," Kaolla explained as she took a seat at her computer.

"What sort of things?" the ronin asked with concern on his face. "Is there anything wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," the princess replied. She reached over to her small fridge and pulled out a canned drink with her ubiquitous three eyed symbol. "Do you want some energy drink?"

"Err... are you sure you should be drinking energy drinks, Su? I mean you are energetic enough, aren't you?" Keitaro asked hesitantly. 'If Su drinks that stuff who knows what shape I'm going to leave here in...'

"Yeah! I drink this stuff all the time!" Kaolla beamed before she drained the can. She burped softly. "You sure you don't want one? I've got orange, strawberry & banana and mango and melon."

"... I'll try a mango and melon," said the landlord, hoping to get the hyperactive girl to tell him why she had suddenly changed in her attitude towards him. "So then, what sort of things have you been thinking about to change how you look at me?"

"I saw something in the Molmol Guide to Snuu-Snuu," the blonde answered as she pulled out a large leather-bound tome and flicked through the pages. "Here."

Keitaro looked over the indicated paragraph. "Su? Are you sure this isn't a big joke? I mean 'remember, in Molmol, Lolitas molest you' doesn't sound like conventional wisdom."

"WHAT?" a shrill feminine voice demanded 1.1 seconds before the door burst open to reveal two women wearing looks that promised that much violence towards the hapless ronin.

"URASHIMA!" Motoko growled loudly as she stalked towards her target. "What's this I hear about you molesting Lolitas from Molmol?"

The bespectacled youth backed away from the kendoist. "I haven't done anything to Su!"

"Yet," the raven haired girl added with a dangerous glint in her eye. "I will skin you alive if you harm one hair in Su's head."

"Perhaps we should make sure that he doesn't get that chance," Naru added, having gleaned some information about the relationship Kanako was hoping for with Keitaro.

Kaolla frowned as more of the Hinata Sou's residents arrived at her door. Looking over those assembled, she decided to play dirty to maintain her monopoly on Keitaro. "Hey, find your own toy! I'm sure that Kitsune will let you borrow one of hers. She's got a few that are shaped like man-bananas. Though they don't look as tasty as Keitaro's, being made of rubber and plastic..."

The residents of the dorm blinked in unison and slowly turned to look at the tanned girl who was standing next to Kitsune.

"..." The ash blonde girl tried to word something in her defence, but her vocal cords didn't want to work properly and she ended up doing a credible impersonation of a koi.

"Don't be so stingy, Kitsune!" the hyperactive blonde said "innocently" as she elbowed her more voluptuous friend. "If you won't share your toys, why should I share my new favourite?"

"T-those aren't the kind of toys you just share, Su-chan," Kitsune finally managed to stammer out.

"Really? Well in that case, I can't share Keitaro's man-banana with just anyone," the princess said with mock petulance. She cast glance at Motoko and Shinobu as walked over and grabbed her fiancé's arm. "Come on, Keitaro, we're leaving for Molmol. I want you to meet my parents."

"But..." the ronin stammered as he felt his tenants' glares burn holes into him.

"It's not right for you to go off on your own like that," Haruka added, hoping to defuse the situation. She paused in thought for a moment. "Though I suppose that if you had a chaperone, then it wouldn't be so bad... Though who would be best suited?"

"I'll go," Motoko offered. "That way we can be sure that Su will be safe from Keitaro."

"And I'll go to make sure that Onii-chan is safe from Motoko and Su," Kanako chimed in. "You know how he's always being played for a sap and taken advantage of, Haruka-san."

"Hey! We don't always play Keitaro for a sap," Kitsune protested.

"But you do admit that you do play him for a sap and take advantage of him, don't you?" the smoker asked with a grin.

"Urk!" the ash blonde froze when the newly arrived girl shot a look at her that promised much pain and suffering.

"See, that's why I have to protect Onii-chan. He's not going anywhere without me."

Keitaro turned to Su. "Well?"

"Yeah, she can come, she looks like she might be fun to play with. Motoko can come too!" tanned bundle of energy smiled. "Grab your stuff and we can head off to Haneda Airport!"


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The Japanese participants of Su's visit home were impressed by the casual display of wealth that was the Molmolian Royal Family's jet. It was a new looking four-engined plane that bore a blue, yellow and silver livery.

"Come on everybody, we need you to get on board so we don't delay the other planes," Kaolla instructed as her fiancé and friends approached the aeroplane.

Keitaro was somewhat dazed but still managed to do as he was told. "Such a shiny plane. Are you sure this is ok, Su? I thought we were going to fly on a commercial airline, rather than the Royal Family's private jet."

"Yeah, turns out that daddy's really anxious to see you and sent the jet. Come over here, I want you to sit next to me."

"I have already warned you about harming Su," Motoko growled. "I would hate to have to shed your blood on foreign soil."

"You harm Onii-chan and I'll make your life a misery," Kanako cautioned from behind the kendoist.

"Calm down, Keitaro's got enough man-banana to go around!" Kaolla chirped happily.

That little statement caused a ripple of comment throughout the cabin crew.

"Man-banana?"

"The Princess has already chosen her mate?"

"This must be a special run to bring them over for the engagement party."

"It's a relief after what happened to Princess Amalla's fiancé."

The captain smiled. "Oh well, they'll be plenty of time to discuss this later. It's time for us to take off."

As the travellers sat down, Kanako was not happy about the way the blonde was draping herself over her brother. 'I wanted to join the Mile High Club with Onii-chan...'

Motoko disliked the way that Su had taken a shine to Keitaro. 'I don't know what it is she sees in Urashima. I know he's kind, patient, forgiving, generous to a fault...'

The kendoist paused as it hit her. 'I'm falling for that, that ronin! Curses!'

"Is something wrong, Motoko-chan?" Keitaro asked.

"Everything is fine," the Shinmeiryu practitioner lied through her gritted teeth.

"How about you, Kanako-chan?"

"I'm fine, Onii-chan, but why didn't you tell me that you had fiancée?" the angry girl asked with a glare that was directed at the princess.

"I didn't know that was happening," the ronin insisted.

"Mmm, a Keitaro makes a good pillow," Kaolla mumbled as she moved herself into a more comfortable position and rested her head on Keitaro's lap. "Mmm, man-banana for breakfast..."

The native Japanese in the cabin blinked and turned to the now snoring girl.

"'Man-bananas for breakfast'? And you say there was nothing going on between the two of you?" Kanako accused angrily.

"I swear it, Kanako-chan!"

"You know, you seem awfully close for siblings," Motoko mused.

"She's adopted," the ronin answered. "Her parents were friends of mine and we adopted her after they passed away. I'm sorry about springing this on you, Kanako-chan."

"... I suppose I could forgive you eventually. At least you haven't picked a violent maniac for a fiancée."

"Mmm, Keitaro-baby, I'll protect you with the latest Mecha Tama!" Kaolla mumbled in her sleep. As she stirred slightly, she brought her hand up near her face and rubbed gently against Keitaro's thigh.

"That's interesting, Urashima," the kendoist said dryly. "So, do you intend to have Su protect you often?"

Keitaro stammered a protest until his fiancée stirred in her sleep again.

"Motoko, I need you to protect Keitaro with me... there are these assassins that try to sneak into the bedroom... need you in bed with me and my Keitaro... "

It was Motoko's turn to blush furiously.

"I'll help protect you, Onii-chan," Kanako enthused. "You know I'll always look out for you, Onii-chan."

"I don't think that would be appropriate, Kanako," the kendoist replied. "You are his sister after all."

"But I'm not related by blood," Keitaro's sister grinned. "And since you obviously don't care about him, I'll take that role."

"I do care about Keitaro!" Motoko insisted. "It's just that he has a tendency to grab and grope women. It's most distressing!"

Out of sight of the passengers, two female members of the cabin crew turned to each other and smiled.

"Ah, this Prince Consort likes women."

"It makes an improvement on the last one, though they do look similar..."

"I think he's kind of cute, in a hopeless way."

"Well, the Princess did say that he had a big enough man-banana to go around, perhaps you could get yourself in with the Royal Harem?"


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The rest of the flight passed uneventfully. Well, aside from when Keitaro left to use the toilet and accidentally walked in on Kanako.

"'You wanted to join the Mile High Club with me, Onii-chan?'" the ronin remembered with a shudder.

It wasn't that his adopted sister was unattractive, but he really wasn't comfortable with seeing her in mid urination, especially when Motoko approached him with murderous intent in her eyes.

It was only Kaolla's comment of "Did you want to tell Keitaro about last night, Motoko?" that prevented bloodshed.

Luckily for the kendoist, Keitaro had been too preoccupied with not soiling himself in front of everybody that he didn't think to ask any details about the previous night.

Motoko sat away from her landlord, but kept a watchful eye on him. She had to make sure that he didn't molest Su or take advantage of that girl that claimed to be his sister.


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The Royal Molmol jet approached the last thousand kilometres of its homeward-bound journey.

The pilots were chatting away, discussing the merits of the latest stunt on Top Gear - seeing what weapon worked best for shooting down flying caravans - when a light on the controls started flashing alerting them to an engine problem.

"Crap, engine two is overheating, I'm going to have to throttle down. Call Molmol and let them know what's happening," the pilot ordered.

"Roger that," the co-pilot nodded. "TIX, this is MOL03 inbound from Tokyo Haneda, we are having some engine problems, we're going to have to reduce speed because engine two is running hot."

"¬MOL03, this is TIX Control, we read you loud and clear. We've got your current speed at 960 km/h and ETA for landing 15.37.¬"

"Roger that, reducing airspeed to 875 km/h, new ETA will be 15.47."

A new alarm sounded, and this one was much louder and urgent sounding.

"TIX, we're losing hydraulic pressure and the engine throttle seems stuck. This is going to be a challenge to bring this down in one piece," the pilot grimaced.

"¬We copy that, MOL03. Do you think you can bring this in?¬"

"Negative TIX, according to my altimeter, I just lost 500 metres on level flight. Either my artificial horizon or my altimeter are screwed up. I can see a small island it looks like it's 300km on a bearing of 118 degrees, I'm going to have to bring this one down for an emergency landing."

"¬MOL03, this is TIX, we copy that and are alerting the navy for search and rescue.¬"


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To be continued...

As usual, pre-read by Chi Vayne and previewed on Hawk's forum.

If you're a member there, then you can enjoy the raw content, then again, maybe you don't want to...


Until laterer comes.
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