Tohma loves Eiri with all his heart, while I'll always be second to him. Rated for one word. Mika centric.
Always Second Best
I know that Tohma has NG Records. I know he loves Eiri to the point he calls himself his guardian. He told me once before that Eiri was the most important person to him on this planet. I can understand his need to want to protect him from getting harmed again; especially by someone as spontaneous as Shuichi Shindou. I thought the silly boy would just use him for popularity gain because of the fact that he's a rising Japanese pop artist.
Though no matter what Tohma and I did, he still was persistent on proving to us that he wasn't using him for personal gain. Tohma still doubted him. I can't blame him. Eiri has been hurt in the worst way. I dare not repeat it.
However, its times like this that make me wonder. Did Tohma marry me just so people would think he's straight /and /to be closer to Eiri? Aside from the clothing Nittle Grasper used to wear, everyone had sworn that he was straight upon marrying me. However, I also sometimes think that he married me just so he could be closer to my brother.
Please don't think I hate my brother. Far from it! Though, I do envy him. He has so much love from Shindou, Tohma, and his legions of fans. I don't know how anyone couldn't be happy with that. However, heh... Eiri still has some insecurity. I fully think that Shindou can comfort him after all that had happened to him years ago.
Oh, sure, Tohma expressed his love for me, as I have for him. The only time we do talk it's always about business, or it's always about Eiri. Only once in a while, he would ask about me. I would feel so happy that he does indeed care about me. When Eiri and I were younger, people often commented and inquired that we were twins because we looked so much a like. However, they would pay more attention to him, rather then me because of his tragic past.
Yes, I want him to lead a better life. Yes, I want him to be happier than what he was before.
But, I want Tohma to myself. Call me selfish. I want my husband to love me more than he does my brother; I want him to want to protect me. I know I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, sure, but when I am weak, I want my husband to be strong for me. I want people to ask about me, instead of Eiri. I want people to ask me when the baby's going to come, or if the baby's going to be a girl or a boy. Or hell, how many children Tohma and I planned for.
Tohma would often berate himself, saying that it was his fault he suffered. I couldn't say anything because I didn't know what to say. I was afraid I might say the wrong thing and he would take offense to it. So I would bite my lip and let him say what he wished.
Honestly, I don't know what brought up such thoughts. Maybe it could be the stress from making Eiri visit father before he eventually passes on, or if it could be the hormones from my pregnancy. However, I cannot voice my wants and needs; otherwise people could claim how selfish I am and how jealous I am of my own brother - my flesh and blood. So for now, I bite my tongue. I say nothing about my feelings, while everyone caters to Eiri.
Tohma loves Eiri with all his heart, while I'll always be second to him.