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The TARDIS contemplates the companions of the 9th and 10th Doctors. TARDIS POV. Part of my TARDIS 100 series. One shot.
For Melissa, who like to mess with my mind.
I did it with Rose when she was still just a new companion. Move her bedroom three doors further away from the kitchen. Shift that corridor a little bit, make it longer. Make it a left turn instead of a right. Sit back and watch her get confused, get lost, call for the Doctor to help. The Doctor scolding me as he stomps off to find her. I toy with them for a few more minutes before feeling pleasure in their reunion.
Eventually, Rose learned to control it to a degree. She became experienced in finding her way along, picking up on the subtle clues I always left for the Doctor. Every now and then I could still stump her, but she found her own ways of getting me back. To a slight degree, she was able to join in the game I had played with the Doctor for eons. Getting lost, then finding yourself again. She became as bemused as me. After a time, we reached a steady balance. I could tell when she was in no mood for messing around and I made things easier for her. Other times I would move a room or two, just to keep her on her toes.
I did it with Adam too. Adam was easy and amusing. He panicked much faster than Rose did. All I had to do was change the colour of the walls in his bedroom once and he freaked out. I knew then that he wouldn't last as a companion. He thought he was good with negotiating a complex maze of corridors in Van Statten's base, so I found it funny when he naively tried to tackle my impossible labyrinth. He never really quite grasped the fact that I'm alive. I remember he spent a lot of time in the console room attempting to figure out my complex alien technology. Good luck, kid. Not even the Doctor is a hundred percent sure about all that makes me up.
Then I did it with Captain Jack. I liked Jack. He understood me like Rose and the Doctor did. For a short time I played with his water pressure and temperature when he tried to have a shower. He laughed and hit the wall of the shower. I stopped when he threatened to take a hammer into the shower with him so to discipline me better. Sometimes I hid his clothes, but this didn't seem to bother him so much as he was more than happy to go naked if he had to. Then it was Rose and the Doctor who threatened me if I didn't return the missing garments. Jack once said that I was the best ship he'd ever been on. He had a very easy life within my walls for quite some time after that compliment. He sure knew how to butter a girl up and I tend to reward compliments and good behaviour.
Then everything changed again and I didn't play around much for a while. I started up again when Mickey joined the team. Mickey was fun... better than Adam but not quite as good as Captain Jack. I played with the temperature in his room and hid his bath towels. He actually had two bed rooms seeing as I kept him from his first one for a while and he had to find another. I remember trapping him in my wardrobe for a full hour once. Mickey was a good guy though. He even managed to beat my solitaire game in just fifteen minutes - a feat that took Rose several hours to achieve. By the end, he was proud to have been considered a friend of Rose and the Doctor and grew to admire and even worry about me more than once. He became loyal, a good companion. Given the chance, I'd be glad to have him back.
I'll do it again with the next companion. I'll shift the corridors, mess with their water and air temperature. I'll get them lost, confuse them, hide their stuff. It's just a little piece of what makes life with the Doctor so interesting. After all, if you can't handle life inside me, then you can't handle a life of travelling with the Doctor. It's as simple as that.