(#) street-howitzer 2007-03-06Well, where to begin? I guess "the beginning" is a good place to start.
In the first place, your story is replete with so many spelling and grammar errors that I scarely know where to start. To show what I mean, I'll pick apart just the first paragraph:
-"Monica tried to ignore the woman across the grocery isle that seemed to be staring at her." Groceries have aisles. An isle is an island. An aisle is a lane.
-"Maybe it was because she looked as tho she didn't fit in." It's spelled "though". "Tho" is used by idiots who can't spell.
-"She was after all from Kansas and honey she wasn't in Kansas anymore." That sentence is missing at least four commas.
-"She was in New Jersey. Kind of a culture shock for somone who thought anything over 20 people was a crowd." In writing, you do not use numbers, you type out the name--"twenty".
-"Well that was what she wanted wasn't it?" You're missing two commas.
-"After her husbands death she wanted to get as far away as she could from the memories, she was running from the memories." It's spelled "husband's". There's a comma after "death". And the comma after "memories" should be a semi-colon, because otherwise, you've got a run-on sentence.
-"So she sold everything and moved to Belleville New Jersey." Town names are followed by a comma. Always. It is Belleville, New Jersey.
-"She and her two daughters that is." Not only should there be a comma after "daughters", this sentence is just plain bad. Why would she forget to name her daughters earlier?
-"Only problem was when they arrived at the address this morning, after driving all night, the house was gone. Well not actually completely gone but missing the roof did pose a problem. The fire had kindly left the walls." Okay, this is just faulty. Your grammar is atrocious, and leaving that aside, why on Earth would she not have heard of this before? If she inherited it from her aunt, it's her property. Do you honestly think that the police wouldn't notify her if it burnt down? Oh, and fires don't simply destroy the roof and leave the house itself.
Really, this paragraph of your story sums up every other--badly written, horribly spelled, awfully-phrased tripe. At the very least, you could have the decency to run this by a Beta reader, or take ten seconds to download a free spell-checker program to spare us the worst of it.
Author's responseMy,my we are so hateful. I'm not sure what on earth I ever did to deserve this but if it makes you feel in some way superior to tear other people down have at it. Here however is a news flash. I didn't ask for your opinion nor do I want it. Can't stop you from leaving it but I just thought you might like to know you are wasting your time. Isn't there anything you would rather do than leave long reviews that don't mean a thing? I get it you hate the story for all sorts of reasons. I accept that. Now we understand this and you feel all superior will you go away? Go find something you like and spend your time there? Leave me alone? Sorry I missed lots of commas but I really don't care.
(#) xo-annaelizabeth-xo 2008-09-13hey, I just wanted to tell you "AlexSanDee" that not everyone is a grammer freak and that i don't care that you left out the comma between Belleville and New Jersey.
Its atrocious, but i forgive you;)
actually, i didn't notice any of these.
and and whoever wrote this makes me mad.
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