You're not fooled...You know someone like you would never be allowed in heaven...(Tsuzuki centric)(MurakiTsuzuki)
Warnings: Angst, some violence, mentions of yaoi
Disclaimer: I do not own Yami no Matsuei....Yami no Matsuei owns me.
Author Notes: This is my first YnM fic and it stars my favorite character Tsuzuki. This is also my first time writing in 2nd person. But...I really like the way this came out.
This is dedicated to my partner-in-crime Dr. KeeY! (aka Saint.XxVv.) I can't wait for the day when we take over the world and spread the love of MuraTsu!!
"Eyes of a demon", they yell out, running after you, crying out harsh names at you while they throw rocks and sticks.
For all their hysteria, their aim is true and more often than not, you feel the painful impact of the stones connecting with your small body, but you try to ignore the stinging sensation and continue to run.
You have to run. You shiver at the thought of what might happen if they ever caught you.
It's happened before and you don't want to repeat of those events...
Your bruised legs carry you to the near-by forest, and you hope that maybe they won't follow you inside.
Your hopes are pointless because you can still hear their incessant yelling, and you can still feel their rocks and sticks hitting you.
You try to run faster, but you're so tired and your steps start to become slightly clumsy, and you start to slow down.
"Think of Ruka", you tell yourself softly. You know she would smile encouragingly at you, urging you not to give up your escape. Trying to think of the yummy pie that would be waiting for you at home, you try to quicken your pace once again.
You have to get away from them. Ruka was waiting for you, and she was probably worried sick. That thought makes you sad, because you've never wanted to hurt anyone. Especially your sweet sister, who always has a warm hug and a gentle smile that seem to be reserved just for you.
As your thoughts turn sad, you can feel your optimism fading and your energy starts to fade away again.
You're tired, but you know you have to keep running.
Your eyes widen as you feel your foot trip over something, and you fall onto the ground, the air leaving your lungs in a rushed breath.
You lay there where you fell, unable to muster the energy to pick yourself back up again. You know its pointless to do so. You can hear them closing in on you, and you close your 'demonic' eyes, hoping that maybe for once, they will take pity on you and leave you where you lie.
You aren't surprised when the kicks and punches begin.
Not even having enough strength or energy to curl up inside yourself, you wince every time one of them hits you, and you try to endure it as best you can, hoping it will be over soon.
You black out before it ends.
You cant seem to be able to get your mind to think of anything else. Your thoughts are blank besides that one repeating sentence.
Your loving family, the ones who would sing you a soft lullaby, holding you close as you slowly fell asleep...The ones that baked you warm apple pie just because they wanted to see you smile...The ones that wiped away your tears and helped clean your wounds when you would come home bleeding and crying...The ones you loved and who loved you in return...
And it's all your fault.
All around you is destruction.
You want to scream but you can't open your mouth. You can't even think.
You had wanted revenge...but not like this...
Never like this...
The screams of terror and pain have finally stopped and now all is left is eery silence.
You aren't sure which is worse...
Guilt and anguish are trying to overwhelm you, tearing at you to be releashed...
But you're not sure how...
You want all of this to go away...
You want everything to go back how it was.
You wait, almost convinced that this is a dream...
But it all remains the same.
You can't really remember much any more.
You aren't even sure where you are...
But you don't care.
Everything around you is white and clean and you want to believe that maybe you have finally succeeded in killing yourself, and are now in the peaceful place called heaven that someone special once told you about, but you aren't fooled.
Someone like you would never be allowed in heaven...
Sometimes your memories come back in full, and you begin to cry, remembering everything that had happened. Reliving those horrible days over and over again.
You need the pain to go away.
You need to be free from the overwhelming guilt.
You're not sure how you get a hold of a knife, but it doesn't matter.
Nothing matters anymore...
You idly realize that someone is screaming as you plunge that sharpened blade into your flesh, over and over again...
Belatedly, you realize that the screams are coming from you.
Sometimes, you cry and you're not sure why.
Sometimes, there's this overwhelming feeling of...something that you can't quite name, and it brings unstoppable tears to your eyes and your body shakes from the strange emotions.
But you don't let those strange bouts of sadness and depression get you down.
Instead of crying, you laugh and ruffle Hisoka's hair, teasing the younger boy mercilessly when the blonde blushes.
Instead of frowning, you smile brightly at Watari as you waste time eating multiples of sweets, getting the sugary substances all over the papers you're supposed to be working on.
Instead of screaming, you stay silent and just shake your head when Tatsumi asks you what's wrong, a concerned look in his azure blue eyes.
You hide the pain inside of you, afraid of letting anyone see.
They'll hate you if they knew how much of a bad person you are.
You're certain that they'll no longer want to be your friend if they see the destruction your capable of causing.
So you keep on laughing and smiling, pushing aside everyone's concerns when you suddenly go silent.
You continue to give them a smile as sweet as the apple pie you love so much, because you know that's what will keep them from asking questions.
Questions you don't want to answer...
Questions you're not even sure you're able to answer...
"You have beautiful eyes, Tsuzuki-san..." He tells you, his lips warm against your skin.
You say nothing, your hands resting on his chest. You had been trying to push him away but had given up a long time ago.
His kisses are almost sweet in taste, and you find yourself wanting more of it.
It's wrong to want this, and you know it.
But you can't help but to want to draw him in closer to yourself.
You can't help but to want more.
His false eye should scare you, but you find that it doesn't phase you in the least.
It's the evidence of his imperfection.
And you feel comforted that this is someone you don't have to hide your own imperfections from.
"I love you, Tsuzuki-san", he murmurs before pressing his lips against yours, his hands running down your side.
And you desperately want to believe him.
Because you've wanted to feel loved for so very long.
You've felt loneliness crawl its way through you for too long now, and you welcome the change that he brings.
You know its wrong, and that you should put a stop to it.
But you're conflicting with yourself.
You want to both push him away and to pull him even closer.
His body is warm against yours, and you want more of that almost comforting heat. But your scared that you might become to attached to that warmth that soothes away the coldness you've felt for too long.
He's killed so many people...
He's a murderer.
But then again....
So are you.
A/n: Review, yeah?
-x- Lunar -x-