Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > I'm Just Soggy from the Chemo, My Blood's Just Thin from the AZT5 Reviews
Things can only get worse from a certain point, and that point has long since been passed. What happens when the worse possible news is heard, and how will everyone bear it?
I concentrated most of my energies into making sketches of all the boys. I didn't let them know about it; I'd simply asked them to bring in a picture of themselves. I would then manipulate the photo in my mind to fit it in a specific scene that I had seen them in, in my imagination. I would then write about a half page, maybe a little more about the picture, the person themselves, and what they meant to me. I managed to keep this surprise from Gerard, which was hard. He was with me all the time now, always lying next to me, talking, joking. We hardly ever turned on the television anymore. He'd even taken to sleeping beside me.
It was one day on one of my chemo visits that I woke back up in the radiation room itself. They hadn't moved me back to my room yet. "Nurse?" I questioned lightly. "She's awake" the nurse said into a walkie-talkie, giving me a sympathetic look. I was scared. A doctor soon walked in, and I knew him as Doctor Marshall, my chemo doctor. "Crystal, um, we have some bad news" he said. My heart stopped. I nodded for him to continue.
"Well, to be quite blunt, the radiation has failed. If you choose to go into chemo tomorrow, and let the radiation get you, then you will have five days to live. If you choose to not have the chemotherapy, you will have eleven days. I'm sorry this has happened, and you have my deepest sympathies. But we need you to decide so you can sign some forms. So, which will it be: die of radiation poisoning in five days, or of cancer in eleven?" he asked. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hurt Dr. Marshall for being so blunt. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to do something.
"I'll take death the more natural way, and the way that will give me more time to live. I'll take the cancer" I spat out. At the moment, I was angrier than anything else. I had spent four hellish years in here, trusting them to make me better. Now I realized I probably would've lived longer had I never gone to the hospital for chemo at all. I signed the papers thrust at me without really looking at them. After all, I was going to die in a little more than a week, right? Nothing much mattered anymore.
They wheeled me back to the room, and all the while my mind was racing. Were my parents already notified? Surely they were. But what would I tell Gerard. When, and how? I couldn't just be like, "Hey dude, I have eleven days to live. Wanna party?" That wouldn't go over well. But I couldn't mull things over anymore as I was put back into my original hospital bed.
"Hey sugar, what's the matter?" Gerard asked, obviously picking up on my sour mood and using my nickname. "Gerard, I...I" I started, but I burst into tears. Gerard quickly pulled me close, stroking my back, frantically inquiring what the matter was. "I don't want to die!" I managed to choke out. I felt Gerard go rigid. I continued to sob and scream that phrase over and over again as if it were my last prayer, like it would save me from my demise. But I knew it was not such. I was going to die at the age of eighteen.
I calmed down about an hour later. Actually, I went into full withdrawal. I had managed to curl up in a tight ball under my sheets and I burrowed as far as possible into Gerard's chest, his arms wrapped tightly around me. It was obvious to him what had happened, and obvious of what had to be in the near future; all he needed to know was when it would happen, how soon. I knew he deserved that much, at the very least. But I didn't have the heart to talk about it. Not now.
About two hours later, we were watching The Nightmare Before Christmas. At least, I think Gerard was. He still held me tightly, and I clutched to him like my life line. Which he was. The movie played on, Jack digging himself deeper and deeper with his longings, and Sally trying to help. It ended eventually with their lovely love song, in the picturesque scene atop the snow-covered hill overlooking the pumpkin patch. I wished that was how my story would end. But of course, it wouldn't. Fairytale endings only happened in fairytales, which my life was not one of.
We sat in silence after that. We had no plans or treatments the rest of the day, and dinner had already been served. Finally, Gerard seemed to find his voice. "What happened today when you were gone?" he asked, and I noticed his voice was raspy and cracked. I looked up to find that he had been crying, too. I cleared my throat several times and had several false starts at a would-be sentence, squeaks only coming out of my throat.
Finally, I took a deep breath, let it out, and cleared my throat. "Uh, after chemo today, I got some bad news. Horrible news, Gerard. Horrible. Uh, the chemotherapy has, has failed. If I decided to do chemo tomorrow, I'd have five days to live. But I chose to let the more natural cause eat away at me. It'll probably be more painful, and I'll feel soggy, but it'll give me longer to get things in order, to really cherish the remnants of my life. Yes, I'm going to die in exactly eleven days, and I'm eighteen. Oh, Gerard, don't look at me like that. Just...turn away" I said. I realized that anybody would look at me with as much sadness as he had. But I couldn't stand it.
"Oh, oh Crystal" Gerard said, and I could feel him shudder before he burst into tears, and I quickly followed suit. He clung to my frail frame, and I hugged as tightly as I could, ignoring the spurts of pain throughout my limbs. I don't know how long we sat, hugging and sobbing into the silence, but when I stopped it was well past midnight. Gerard had stopped about a half hour before, and had concentrated on comforting me.
"Is there anything I can do o keep you going longer? I have a lot of money, I could pay for some sort of procedure" Gerard said desperately, trying to save me. I shook my head and sniffed. "It's too late, but thank you so much for the offer" I said, hugging Gerard even tighter. "Crystal, you've become one of my best friends. You made me feel welcome when I first came here, and you brighten my days. I don't know what I'll do without you" he said sadly, his eyes welling up. But Gerard cried no more, and neither did I. "Gerard, let's just enjoy the time we have left together. And just so you know, the hardest part of this is leaving you" I said, and we just snuggled up and went to sleep.
The next day was mostly a blur. I cried a lot, especially when the boys came. They didn't know yet, so they were very cheery until they saw mine and Gerard's tear stained faces. Then Gerard filled them in, and everybody started crying. Everyone moved Gerard's bed next to mine so it was twice as big and they all jumped on and cuddled me. Two boys shared my legs, one my torso, and Gerard and Bob cuddled the rest of me. The tears shed were many, and I felt loved.
My parents had notified everyone I knew and they knew, and the next few days the room was packed. Ray, Mikey, Bob, and Frank all slept in our room in sleeping bags on the floor. Their scuffle with the nurses had been amusing, but they had won out in the end. Each morning they went to the bathroom and brushed their teeth, hair, changed their clothes, etc. And every other day they would take turns to run home and a take a very, very quick shower. Most of my old friends came to visit, but paid more attention to the super-stars than me. The boys always got pissed at this and told the girls and guys to focus on me, and all of my old "friends" did so with shame.
We put up with this and a very sentimental visit from my parents for three days. Yes, my parents actually showed emotion towards me again, and I felt loved all the more. Isn't it strange how tragedy makes the most random emotions come out?
One the fifth day, I started to throw up. When I had done it the first time (over the side of the bed so as not to hit any one of the boys who were now cuddling on my bed) Mikey and Ray had immediately dashed off to find a nurse while Gerard rubbed my back and Frank and Bob said comforting phrases and moved everyone's stuff away from the mess. There hadn't been much to come up since I was just being fed by a tube, but there was enough to distress and gross everyone out.
The nurse came in with a doctor and sent the boys out. They put something in my I.V., and explained my radiation poisoning had caused this, not the cancer. But they did say either that night or the next morning my chest would start to ache unbearably. I nodded feebly and watched them clean up the mess before leaving and allowing the boys back in to comfort me. I conveyed the news to them, the news that I was getting worse, and we all sobbed again.
But, with bad news came good news. Gerard's HIV treatment was starting to have a good affect because they had caught the virus early, and he was having the mildest of side affects. His chances of dying were ninety-nine to one, which temporarily cheered everyone up. Even I managed a smile, but we soon we all back to cuddling and watching the television.
On the ninth day, everyone was tense and very upset. They had two more days after left with me, and I was in a very bad condition now. I was very pale (more so than usual), very weak, and my regurgitation meds had been boosted up almost three times over. It was on this day that the boys said they were going to give Gerard and me some alone time, which I understood. Well, the real reason was that the doctors were temporarily kicking them out so they could check on me, but they had sugar-coated the truth.
After about an hour of poking and prodding, the doctors confirmed that I did, indeed, have just two more days to live, and these last two days would be the worst. I had nodded grimly and dismissed them. When the boys didn't immediately rush in, I knew they were all probably out getting lunch.
"Gerard, are you going to make another album?" I asked trying to make light conversation to banish the heavy silence wrapping the room up like a wet wool blanket. "Yeah. Several more, hopefully. I've actually been doing some writing in here to pass the time when you're asleep and stuff" he said, and I noticed for the first time a notebook that wasn't mine with a pen sitting atop it. "Any finished songs?" I asked yet again, wanting to know what Gerard had been up to when I was hardly in the world of the living. "Two, actually. And a good concept for the record" he said, smiling slightly. If there was one thing I had learned at all while rooming with Gerard, music always made him happy...always.
"Want to expound, or is it some secret? Either way, who am I gonna tell?" I asked lightly. It was true; no one had visited for five days, at least. "Well, I basically based the concept of the whole record and I plan to have almost all of the songs based off of you. The two I have right now, well, one of them is definitely going to be my favorite. But I don't know if you want to hear everything, it'll probably depress you" Gerard said, looking to the side. Was he ashamed that he was basing this new record off of me? I hoped not, because I was ecstatic!
"No, I'm fine with it. Actually, I'm quite honored and flattered. So do expound" I said, trying not to look /too/stupid. "Okay. Well, it's about an alter-ego, called The Patient. He dies at a tragically young age, and this story is basically The Patient being lead into death and the afterlife, and different characters will be introduced throughout the album. It's going to be like a story, and, well, you're like the main character" he said, looking towards me, seeking for my approval. I grinned like an idiot. "That's great, Gerard! But, why base the definitely-going-to-be-famous album on me, and not someone else?" I asked, confused.
"Crystal, you've played a huge roll in my life, and I want people to remember you when you pass on, even if they didn't know you. I want them to know what a great person you are" he said, looking me dead in the eyes. And, before I knew it, Gerard started to lean towards me. Oh, I knew that look. His eyes flickered from my lips to my eyes. He was close, but I forced myself to turn my cheek to the kiss, him only pecking my face. "I will not kiss you, Gerard. I can't. I won't do something like that to you" I said, the happiness now gone from my eyes. "I like you Gerard, I do. Trust me on this one. But I'm not going to give you some sort of two-day relationship and watch your heart break as mine stops" I said, voice shaky.
"I understand...and I'm sorry. That was stupid of me" he said, looking away. "What am I going to do with you?" I asked, struggling to get one thin, pale hand to stroke his cheek. "Live with me" he replied, and leaned down and kissed my cheek. I smiled and blushed slightly. "I just got an idea for a song!" Gerard suddenly exclaimed, grabbing his notebook and going back to the opposite side of the bed and quickly starting to write. "Can I see?" I asked, but he just smirked and made a shushing noise. I humphed slightly and turned on the television, really thinking about what could've been between me and Gerard if I weren't going to die. I felt terrible.
"Gerard, I wanna go to bed, but I miss the boys and I want my human teddy" I said childishly, trying and failing to cover my yawn with a hand. "The boys won't mind if you go to sleep before they get back. And besides, it's only two in the afternoon. I'm sure they'll be back when you're awake. And hang on two seconds, I'm coming" Gerard said. He furiously scribbled a few moments more before putting the paper and pen down and crawling next to me. He slid down under the sheets, warming my cold body with his. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and kissed my head. "Gerard, you make me feel so safe" I mumbled before practically passing out. Gerard smiled, glad he could this one kindness, before turning to watch a movie.