Kyle gives advice on how to fool your parents and Hedwig officially joins her circle of friends. At the price of a silly nickname.
I had decided to introduce Hedwig to my friends. From the looks of it she would be on my heels for the rest of the school years so I might as well try to integrate her into my clique.
"Hi, guys!" I greeted everyone as Hedwig and I shuffled into the basement of Isaac and Dana's house. "This is Hedwig."
She waved shyly. "How does it walk?"
"Go, Hedwig. How does it go," I corrected her.
"Riiight!" Alice jumped up from the sofa and hugged the Austrian gushingly. "You're staying at Kyle's mummy-shack.* Dana told me about it."
Hedwig smiled brightly and hugged my friend back, "You a so friently in America."
Mark and Dana smiled at her.
"So, what kinda name is 'Hedwig'?" Isaac blurted out rudely.
The girl looked confused, "Mine?"
"Don't be an ass, bro," Dana whispered towards him.
"I am not," he defended himself. "It's just if she's hanging with us she should have a cool nickname or something. Something more American, ya know? So she blends?"
"Totally agree with you, schizo!" Mark high-fived him.
Isaac could suggest they piss onto a socket and Mark would high-five him and grunt something appreciative.
"Like what?" I asked. I mean, 'Hedwig' didn't really drip with Britishness. Or is that Britain?
"Wig?" Mark suggested.
Alice giggled hysterically. Mark was always her hero. He would be her hero even if he pissed onto a socket.
"I think not," I shook my head. "Even though, that reminds me... Check this out, Dana!" I held a form under her nose.
"Whoa, I thought your mom didn't want you to get that shot? How did you ever manage to have that parental consent thing signed?" She eyed me in admiration.
That is right, kids. You can learn a lot from me.
"Simple: I had Dad sign it."
And it went something like this:
(Me) "Hey, Dad. Could you sign this for me, please? It's just something for school."
(Dad) "Of course, honey."
He put his razor down and glanced at the sheet and pen I was holding towards him. There was still some shaving foam on his chin. When I was little I had always watched him shave, watched how he had carefully avoided his unruly sideburns. Mom's a sucker for them. Disgusting.
(Dad, wiping some foam from his hands into his shirt) "What's this about?"
I watched his eyes starting to scan the paper. Not good.
(Me, tearing the paper away from his stare) "Dad! This is just... ah, a sample contract that I had to draft for my... business class. Yes, that's a new subject at my school. Remember? Mom told you about it."
I knew Dad was guilty of sometimes just listening half-heartedly to whatever my mother was saying. He wouldn't doubt it.
(Dad) "Why, sure I remember, princess!"
(Me, smiling sweetly) "All of this is just fake, of course," I let the back of my hand glide over the paper. "We just have to have somebody sign it, ya know. Don't even bother reading it, it's not very good. It will just steal your time and I know you're a busy man with lots of important stuff to do." Can't hurt to suck up to him a bit.
(Dad, realizing he still had some foam on his chin and wiping it off with the hem of his shirt) "Wow, sweetie. This looks so professional. What is it about?"
AH! Will he sign it already?!
I pushed the pen in his hand and placed the form on top of the washing machine, using my hand to cover up the part about "possible risks such as causing the body to stop growing," (I was already taller than my father, what more could I want?) "to grow an extra finger or toe" (hello, wasn't this what distinguished us from the apes?** That's just evolution, man. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe that could even improve my trombone playing, huh?) "and initial difficulties to cope with the new genetic information that may manifest themselves in an upset stomach, headaches and various other inconveniences". Well, that last part didn't sound too good but it just said that those things could POSSIBLY happen, not necessarily. And I'm not a pussy.
(Me) "This is a contract for a new band. Signing to a label?"
(Dad, proudness reflecting in his eyes) "Really? Wow, I am flattered. Is that why you have been lurking around in my office lately? To do some research on those kind of contracts?"
(Me, nodding eagerly) "Yes. I... didn't wanna bother you with my school stuff." Actually I had done some research on how to forge his signature but that didn't work out. So Plan A went the way of MTV.*
(Me) "Look, Dad. I gotta hurry or else I'll be late for my first period."
(Dad, slightly embarrassed) "Sure, sure." He scribbled his name onto the dashed line at the bottom of the form. "Mighty proud of you, sweetie."
(Me, planting a kiss on his cheek) "Thanks, Dad. You've been a great help."
After I had rendered this little episode to my pals Hedwig giggled, "Oh, I love bondage!"
Isaac burst out laughing, slapping his hands onto his thighs exaggeratedly. "That is just great," he said, almost crying because he was laughing so much.
Dana and I exchanged confused glances. What kind of random statement was that? Did Austrians usually blurt out their sexual preferences?**
Mark and Alice were making out hardcore, probably inspired my Hedwig's latest comment.
"What?" I finally manged to ask the girl.
"Bondage?" She pointed at herself and then at the rest of us, "You ant me... like... talking ant making frients?"
Was she just suggesting a gang bang?
"Oh!" Dana nodded, "You mean 'bonding'. Yes, we're bonding." She smiled at Hedwig.
"Oh, my... That was just great." In the meantime Isaac had calmed down. "You are priceless, Wiggie."
"Wiggie?" I arched an eyebrow.
"Yep," the guy nodded. "That's her new nickname. It's catchy."
"And stupid," Dana shook her head.
"I like it. Vvvvviiiiiggiiieeee," the Austrian agreed.
How stupid is it to give her a nickname that she can't even pronounce herself. Oh well, maybe she doesn't talk so much too herself like me. Kylene.
"Now break it up, ya hormone... hoes," I snapped over at the Alice-Mark-melt.
They pulled apart, gasping for air and panting like my Dad when he just walked up all the stairs from the basement to the attic. Oh, come on. It's not like he's gonna know I thought that. Plus, I love my chubby father. That's how I show affection. I am a teenager, remember?
"You guys can be so disgusting, you know," Isaac scrunched up his face. He was not fooling me, he was probably getting off on that stuff.
"Yeah," Dana chimed in. "Every time you guys sucked face you need forever to adjust your breathing. You're like fish out of water."
"But my Marky is such a stud. I just can't help it," Alice chirped.
"And Alice is truly the love of my life!" the stud replied.
Coming to think of it, I probably preferred their company when they had each other's tongues stuck inside of their mouths. Made them shut up.
I checked my watch. Time to go.
"Dana, you're coming to the lab with me, right? I need you by my side. Just for reassurance and all," I sweet-talked my best friend.
"Of course, Kyle."
"I vanta cam too!" Wiggie announced eagerly.
"Sure, you're coming too," I rolled my eyes in a way so that she wouldn't see it. She was nice and all but who could stand that kind of cheeriness and excitedness 24 hours a day?
mummy-shack: [slg.] mostly used by the younger generation; your parents' house
** Actually not, Kylene. A normal ape has ten fingers and ten toes, just like us. Maybe you meant the evolution from cartoon characters to human beings?
to go the way of MTV: 1) [colloq.] to become useless because something doesn't work out anymore
2) [technical term in TV programming] to produce so many shallow teenage shows that kids all over the continent realize that reading a book would do less harm and consequently send a TV channel into bankruptcy
** As if talking about the weather was so interesting...