Ryan Ross doesn't have feelings for boys...especially when they smile like Brendon Urie...
I hadn't planned to do it tonight, to end all this tension that hung between the two of us everywhere we went. He had given me a peck on the lips backstage a few weeks ago, grinning that unbearable grin, and I thought, That's just Brendon, fucking with my mind. But then, last week, he slipped his tongue in my mouth. And I let him. For ten minutes! I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't feel cold and sweaty at the same time whenever he was around because we're around each other all the time. And I wasn't...I just wasn't into him...like that.
So, tonight, it was the same as always. We all walked offstage, Spencer and Jon immediately going into the dressing rooms to call dibs on the showers. Brendon walked over to me, smirking, dripping with sweat and looking so goddamn sexy. He went to put his arms around me, and I pushed them away, angrily.
"Fuck you, Brendon."
I quickly walked away from him and jogged a little ways until I found a spot near a door where I could breathe in some fresh air and not be mauled by fans. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I heard his panting breaths behind me, and sure enough, it was seconds later that those breaths were causing that shivering feeling to run up my spine, the one I always ignored. He grabbed my arm, and I turned around to see him looking genuinely confused and remorseful, like he knew he had done something wrong, he just didn't know what.
"Ryan, what's going on?"
I said nothing. I tried to make my piercing glares say enough. They didn't.
"Talk to me, Ryan, I don't get what you're so pissed about."
"Give me your keys."
"Give me your fucking keys, Brendon! I want to drive myself back to the hotel."
"Well, I want to talk about this first! No one knows, okay? I know that's what you're worried about! You think it's this big secret that we have to keep from the world! But it's okay if you love me, Ryan, you just need to stop lying to yourself!"
He had caught me, and before I could say anything else, he came closer to me and put his right hand on my face, stroking my cheek. He used his other hand to push the back of my head towards his face, and moaned softly as our lips made contact. I had never felt so good, so raw, as I did when he held me.
But then, I remembered why I had wanted to drive myself back to the hotel. More than anything I felt, I was ashamed. I couldn't feel this way for him anymore. It was wrong and deceitful, and I wouldn't take it anymore. I wouldn't spend another night alone, feeling guilty for what I had done. So, I shoved him away, and watched as the keys fell from his pocket. Both of us stood there for a few seconds, stunned and looking back from the keys to each other. But finally, I picked them up and turned away, walking away from him without another word.
Everything had changed. One minute, I was pushing more passion into that kiss with Ryan than any kiss I had ever experienced. The next, I was talking frantically into my cell phone about four blocks away from the arena. I had been sitting in a bar for the past two hours when my phone rang. It was Spencer and he had terrible news.
"Dude, Ryan's been in a car accident."
I couldn't breathe. I slammed down my drink and rushed outside to get some fresh air before I choked to death. I knew Spencer could hear me coughing and taking deep breaths to steady myself.
"Brendon, are you okay?"
"Yeah. What happened?"
"Well, Shelley just called and said that Ryan told the police he had to call her and tell her what happened. Apparently, he..."
Suddenly, all of Spencer's words faded out. Ryan called her before me? He dated her for a month! She didn't mean anything to him! He fucking loved me! What the hell was his problem? Why was he so goddamn ashamed of me...of us? What had I ever done to hurt him?
"B, are you even listening to me?"
"Where's the accident?"
"Are you serious? I just told you that it's fifteen minutes down the road from the arena. But he wasn't badly injured, so they're gonna wrap him up and send him back to the hotel. Shelley said she'd drive him."
I slammed the phone shut and waved for a taxi. Luckily, there was one going right by, so he pulled up and I climbed in as quickly as I could.
"There should be an accident down the street a little ways. I need to go there."
The driver looked unsure, but he shrugged and kept moving. As he drove, I thought about all the things I would say to Ryan when I got there. I knew that he had been scared after that first time I kissed him. Ryan Ross liked to be in control, and he didn't like for things to change. But I felt so strongly about him, and the way he looked at me, well, I had decided I wasn't going to ignore it anymore.
And, every week after that, whenever we could sneak quick makeout sessions, he never hesitated. But whenever the slightest noise occurred, he'd jump away from me, and instantly find something else to claim to be doing in case anyone came in. It was like he thought about what else he could be doing whenever we kissed. I didn't want him to be ashamed, but I didn't want to stop either. So, I said nothing. And this was how he had ended it.
I knew as soon as I heard those tires squealing on the pavement, that Brendon had arrived. My head was resting on Shelley's lap. I knew that she lived in the area, and even though our break-up had been pretty ugly, she wouldn't refuse to help me if I was hurt. She was smoothing my bangs back as the paramedic wrapped my arm with gauze. It was bleeding pretty badly, but it was the worst injury I had. The car had suffered the most damage. If Brendon wasn't going to be pissed about the fact that I had broken his heart, he would have been pissed about the amount of money he would have to pay to fix the car.
I sat up and rested my head in the crook of Shelley's neck. She smiled and tried to soothe me because she knew I was hurting. I looked up and saw him standing a little ways down the road, watching me in her arms. My gaze caught his and the anger and hurt in his eyes was indescribable. I thought I would feel good about ending this. It would hurt at first, but then, we would get over it and just go back to being best friends again. But that pain was so undeniable and I knew that because I was feeling it too. I had really loved Brendon, and now, I had lost him.
It was a stupid mistake, but I called her anyway. I needed Brendon to get over me, and this was the only way I could think of to make it end. For good.
Now, the police cars were driving away and the paramedics were leaving. I could hear Shelley calling for me to get in the car so she could drive me back. I stood up, took a few steady steps, and told her I was fine, I would find my own way back. She looked confused, but as I nodded toward Brendon, I think she understood. She was the first to know how I felt about him, and now, I wasn't ashamed. But something told me I was too late.
I practically ran from that scene as soon as I saw Ryan wrapped in Shelley's arms. All the buildings on the street blurred together and I knew that I just wanted to die. I must have started to slow down because, soon enough, I heard more rushed footsteps behind me. My knees crumbled beneath me, and I almost fell to the pavement. But, his hand caught me at the last minute. I turned to look up and saw Ryan's face, looking concerned. He pulled me back up.
"Brendon, I'm so sorry."
"Bullshit, Ryan! You're not sorry! This is how you wanted it to happen! Did you plan the car accident ahead of time, too? You're just a little fucking mastermind, aren't you?"
"I didn't plan for any of this! I didn't plan for you to kiss me, you know! Our lives were fine! We were on top of the world, and then you went and fucked it up!"
"Our lives are still like that! The only thing that's changed is that I'm not afraid to love you! I don't care what anyone else thinks! What matters to me is you, Ryan, and if you're not happy, I'm lost."
"There you go again! It's like you're making my decisions for me! How do you know that I love you? How do you know that I don't just want to be your friend? I was happy chugging Mountain Dew and playing endless hours of Guitar Hero with you!"
"Well, if you don't love me, and this doesn't make you happy, then let me go. Let me walk away, and don't you fucking say anything to me! But do it for you, Ryan. Don't make this decision based on what you think is best for me. You're not my fucking father!"
And, just like that, I turned away from him. I knew that the hotel had to be a while down the road, but I'd walk all night if I had to. That long walk wouldn't even hope to measure up to the pain that Ryan would cause if he didn't chase after me.
Minutes later, I felt my head being slammed against a brick wall.
I heard Brendon groan as his head hit the building. I hadn't meant to push him that forcefully. I just had to stop him. He muttered, "Ah...fuck..." and that just turned me on even more than his speech had. I smiled and left a trail of small kisses up and down his neck. I moved my mouth up near his ear and whispered.
"I love you, Brendon Urie."
He opened his eyes and looked down at me. I was pressing him against the building and our bodies were so close together that you couldn't have fit a piece of paper between them. He moved so that we were at eye level, and he kissed me passionately a few more times, slipping his tongue between my lips and causing breathy little moans to escape my lips every time we paused to breathe.
"You damn near killed me, Ross. I think I have a concussion."
"Let's go back to the hotel. I think some sleep might do me some good."
"As long as I can join you."
He smiled, and I knew that he was proud of himself. He had made me happy again. We started to walk back down the street toward the car when I realized something.
Brendon turned to me, eyes filled with worry.
"You're thinking about them, aren't you Ryan? It's okay. We'll tell Spencer and Jon together. Otherwise, the world can mind their own fucking business. This is for you and me."
I smiled. He cared so much about me that it was sometimes unbelievable.
"No, I was just thinking about the car...you know, the one I trashed? How are we getting back to the hotel?"
He laughed and grabbed my hand, squeezing it tightly, marking me as his.
"Don't worry. We'll figure this out."
And I had a feeling he wasn't just talking about the car.