Harry Potter gets abducted by the borg. JUST KIDDING!! This is a little ficlet to show what I think of everyones least favorite reviewer on ff and portkey.
Hermione walked into her parents study with a cup of coffee in her hand. She planned on checking to see if anybody had left any new reviews on her fan fiction yet. As she opened the door she got a shock when she saw a head of red hair poking up over the chair back.
"RON!" she said in exasperation, "Have you been to bed yet?"
A non descriptive grunt was all she got in return.
Not satisfied with that answer she walked towards her father's chair, and spun it around, and almost dropped her cup of coffee in shock at the sight before her. Ron looked like a zombie, complete with huge dark circles under bloodshot eyes.
"Ron you idiot! Why haven't you gone to bed yet, you must have been at this computer for over..." she paused to look at the grandfather clock in the corner, "SIXTEEN HOURS!"
Ron didn't answer, so she continued. "I thought you were only going to read my story and then go to bed."
A bleary eyed Ron looked up at Hermione and said "It's not my fault, I think this comptooter is hexed to make you stay awake."
"Ron that's just silly, and it is a computer not comptooter." Hermione responded. "Besides what could you have possibly been doing on the computer for sixteen hours?"
Ron's eyes widened for a split second before he could mask his panic. Luckily Hermione hadn't noticed his posture stiffen as he remembered a few sites he had "accidentally" found as he browsed the internet during the night. Images of muggle girls wearing nothing but what God gave them flashed through his mind. 'So what if I had to lie about whether I was eight-teen or not, I mean I am of age in the wizarding world' he thought to himself. 'Man I wish I would have known about this a long time ago, Fred and George are going to totally freak out.' Suddenly he snapped out of his daze as he realized Hermione was talking to him.
"Honestly Ron, where were you just now, you just sort of zoned out."
"Sorry Hermione, I guess I'm just tired." he said sheepishly, hoping she would never find out what he was actually thinking of.
"Well with good reason, I mean seriously Ron how do you expect to not be exhausted after spending sixteen hours at a computer screen." Hermione said with a slight tinge of guilt in her voice. She had a feeling it was her fault that her friend was in this shape to begin with. After all, she was the one who decided it would be a good idea to invite Ron to stay at her house for a few weeks at the end of summer. She had thought it would be a good idea to try and immerse Ron in some muggle culture, to try and broaden his understanding of how she grew up.
It had been going really well all week long until her dad had suggested that she introduce him to the computer. She had seen no harm in it at the time and thought it would be a great source of information for him to look at. She thought it would be best to start with something small so she showed him how to play solitaire first. He took to the game like a fish takes to water, so she taught him how to play minesweeper next. Once again Ron found that he was fairly good at it, so now that Ron knew what the keyboard did and how to use the mouse (she told him it was like a wand for the computer screen) she thought that he could move on.
When describing the internet to Ron, he had sat wide eyed and open mouthed at the prospect of finding almost anything he wanted to know about in such a small box. When she asked him what he wanted to look for first, he couldn't think of anything for a while until he asked if he could find anything about the magical world on the internet. She looked at him a bit sheepishly and started to sputter a little. "Well... I... I- I mean... well sort of. "
Ron looked at her oddly for a moment and then asked the obvious, "What do mean sort of?"
"Well what I mean is that muggles think they know that magic is fake..."
"I thought muggles didn't know anything about magic?"
"Well they believe it is just fairy tales and fantasy. They have stories about dragons, wizards, goblins, and other magical creatures, but they think it is all make believe." she said in a nervous voice.
Ron noticed her tenseness and asked "Well I can see why someone who didn't know anything about magic would think it was make believe, but why are you acting all nervous? Did you think I would be mad about that or something?"
"Not exactly...." she once again had a look on her face that Ron couldn't quite read.
"What is it Hermione?"
"Well what do you think would happen if a witch wrote a muggle fiction book about what really happens in the magical world, and muggles just thought it was a wonderful story?"
"I guess the Ministry would step in and try to put a stop to it." he said not really know what to think.
"Well what if the witch made up a muggle pen name to use so that she could publish her story, and by the time they realized what had happened, muggles around the world were already reading the book by the millions?" she look very nervous now.
Ron thought about it before responding. "Well I guess if the muggles thought it was all made up then it wouldn't be that much of a problem."
Hermione didn't relax at all though as she continued, "Well what if someone you knew was in the book, and the stories were close to home for you?"
"I guess that would depend on how well I knew the person and how truthful the book was." Ron started to get nervous.
"Well what would you do if you were in the book and the stories were true and delved into your private life some." Hermione was getting more and more nervous by the minute and sweat was starting to bead up on her forehead.
"Hermione, is this hypothetical or are we talking real possibility here?" Ron said while looking at her as if she had grown a second head.
"Well what if one of your best friends, wrote down everything that has happened to her, and around her while she has been at Hogwarts in her diary and then it was stolen, and then ....."
She was cut off by Ron "Whoa whoa whoa, slow down Hermione calm down a second and tell me what happened."
Hermione took a deep breath and started slowly, "Every year since we have been at Hogwarts I have kept a very detailed diary about everything that has happened to us. I mean everything we did, some of our conversations, everything."
Ron was deep in thought for a moment before his eyes bugged out, "You mean that someone stole your diaries and published them?"
Hermione looked up slowly and nodded her head. "I haven't found out who it is yet but I think its that bug of a woman Rita Skeeter. The pen name she used is J. K. Rowling, and she apparently found my old diaries that I kept in a shoe box in my closet. I had a different shoe boxes for every year, so I hadn't looked in the boxes in a while I just saw the boxes on the shelf and figured the diaries were in them."
Ron thought for a second before asking "How many years worth has she gotten, and how many have been published?"
"She has gotten everything up until this summer. So far she has published the first five years, but I am sure she will probably publish this one soon enough. The only reason I found out was that I was going to add something to the ones from this year and when I opened the box they were all gone. My mother said that she knew about the books but had never read them, so she just thought it was another children's book."
"How come you didn't know about them?" Ron asked slightly exasperated "you spend most of your time in a library."
Hermione looked at him slightly indignant and replied "Ronald Weasley I will have you know that I read for knowledge far more often than pleasure, and since I have been in the wizarding world all of the books I read for pleasure are wizarding fiction books."
Ron had the decency to look a little abashed. "So how long have you known about this?"
"Only for this summer. I didn't tell you and Harry because I was afraid of what your reactions would be and I didn't want to put anything else on Harry's plate."
"That's actually probably a good idea, he's got a lot on his mind as it is." Ron paused for a minute before "So why are you telling me now?"
Hermione chuckled a moment before telling Ron to type in "Harry Potter" in the search field of the search engine.
Ron's eyes were immediately the size of quaffles as they almost popped out of his head. "87 MILLION RESULTS!!!!" was all he could blurt out.
Hermione was reminded of herself when she first found out about this. "Yes Ron and now you know why I wanted to tell you before I set you loose on the internet."
Ron hadn't heard her, he was still in shock his eyes glued to the absolutely huge number on the screen of results returned about his best mate. "87 million results." he whispered to himself.
Hermione just smiled in understanding. "Yeah that was my reaction too."
Ron had regained himself a little and started looking at the list of results. "What's fan fiction?"
Hermione couldn't hide the blush that shot into her cheeks at that moment. "Well it is when fans of the books write their own version of what they think will happen next in the story."
Ron nodded dumbly then shook his head, "Huh?" was his intelligible reply. "But this is true how can they write what they think will happen when it is really happening?"
"Remember Ron they think that this is fiction, they don't know this is really happening."
"Oh, well are any of them close to what happened?"
She blushed again at this, but this time Ron noticed "Hermione why are you blushing?"
She looked at him sheepishly then said "Well some are close, but some of them are rather graphic in nature. Some have me with Harry and you with Luna and Some have Draco with Ginny-" she was cut off by Ron.
"WHAT? My little sister with that greasy snake Malfoy?" he asked fuming.
"Yeah, but that's not the worst." Ron snorted in disbelief, "Some have Harry with Draco, or even worse Harry with Snape." at this Ron stopped breathing temporarily and feinted dead away.
He came around to Hermione slapping him lightly in the face and looking concerned. "Ron are you ok?"
He responded wearily "If I heard you right just now then no I am pretty far from ok. That is the most disgusting and vile thing I have ever heard of."
Hermione looked at him in shock for a second before saying "Ron, I can't believe that you are that homophobic! I can't believe you would be a gay basher."
Ron quickly corrected her "It's not that, I don't have a problem with gay people as long as they don't come on to me, its just that Harry and Malfoy, or worse yet SNAPE? That is truly revolting!"
"Oh for a second there I thought I had a discriminating boyfriend."
"No just disgusted at the mere thought of one of those slimy snakes and my mate. So have you read many of these fan fictions?"
She smiled shyly "Not about those pairings but I have read some others and not only have I read a bunch of them, I am writing one too."
"WHAT? Hermione isn't that kind of like cheating or something, I mean that has got to be weird its like you are writing in your diary but for everyone to see."
"Well as long as muggles think its fiction, and they are writing them anyway I wanted to see what people would think of the truth. See as you write them people can leave reviews after each chapter, so you can adjust your story and fix any problems."
"But if you are writing the truth then there can't be any problems right?"
"Oh you would be surprised how many people don't think that what happened is the way it should have happened."
"But it did happen."
"Yes Ron you and I know that but they don't know that."
"Oh, I get it. So can I read your story?"
"Sure Ron, I have about nine chapters up so far so read away, you can even read the reviews people left."
"Awesome, just come and get me when it is dinner time."
When it came time for dinner Hermione went and found Ron reading her story with great interest, and in a very uncharacteristic move, he told her he would grab something to eat later after he finished reading. So Hermione had gone to bed assuming that her boyfriend would grab something from the ice box when he was done, before he went to bed himself.....how wrong she was.
"I mean seriously Ron how do you expect to not be exhausted after spending sixteen hours at a computer screen?"
"Well I got sucked into reading your story, then when I finished I saw one that had me as the focus and I couldn't resist reading that. Then I sort of lost track of time. Besides I have been getting really annoyed at this one guy named Borg, who keeps popping up on all these different fan fictions and leaving very negative reviews."
"Well that's part of being a writer Ron, some people are bound to not like your writing."
"No I get that Hermione but this guy is just senseless and doesn't leave constructive criticisms. He just leaves stupid things like "This story sucks, remove it and STOP writing." after reading the first chapter. The part that really ticks me off is that he leaves it on good stories, and if someone isn't very confident in their writing they may actually give up because of that insensitive retard. I really wish I could meet him in real life so I could give him a piece of my mind. He doesn't even have an account so you can't reply back to his reviews, he is just too cowardly to write something worthwhile himself so he picks on other people who have the guts to try."
"Well some people are just assholes, and there is nothing we can do about it."
"Well I am going to do the only thing I can do, and write my own fan fiction to show everyone who reads it that Borg is an idiot and that they shouldn't listen to what he says in his reviews. Hopefully this will reach the right people and they will see that just because he gave them a negative review doesn't mean they should listen to it."
"Wow that's actually not a bad idea Ron, you should do it."
"I just did."
In the basement of Malfoy Manor, Draco Malfoy pulled the cord on the gas powered generator in the corner and turned on his computer. He went to his favorite site to criticize the latest ramblings of muggles trying to write what it was like in the wizarding world. When he stopped cold on the newest posted one shot titled "Attack of the Borg." As he read it he mumbled to himself, "Now how am I supposed to feel better about my inadequacies?" When he finished it he wrote a quick review that simply said "This sucks, remove it, and STOP writing!" he reread his review and chuckled "Ha that'll teach them." Then he proceeded to read his favorite kind of fics.... Harry/Draco Slash.
Please R&R let me know what you think about my writing style. This is the first thing I have written.