Not as nearly as disgusting as it sounds! A Monday fic with a twist! The Breakfast Club meets again in class, and VP Vernon has been assigned to teach sex ed. Hilarity ensues!
... ... ...
"I am completely embarrassed by the state of the library, Rich. This is completely unacceptable from a man with your title!" Principal Rooney was absolutely livid. He had come back from his weekend off of work to only find that his Vice Principal, Richard Vernon, had let the Saturday detention visitors completely obliterate the school's property.
"I'm am so sorry, Ed. I have no idea how this could have happened!" Vernon couldn't believe that he had been so stupid! Those little punks had caused enough trouble to him on Saturday, the last thing he needed was them getting him written up as well. He had lost his patience so many times that day that he had no energy or motivation to inspect the room after they had left.
And now he was paying for it.
"No idea? Rich, how could you manage to miss two broken doors, torn up library books, and old lunch meat stuck in the carpet? These are very obvious signs of damage!" Rooney's face was turning an unnatural shade of red, and Vernon had only ever seen him this mad when he was dealing with brats such as John Bender or Ferris Bueller.
"Look, I know it looks bad..." Vernon started.
"Bad?! I had to kick all of the students out of library until the mess was cleaned up! They need that area for study period!"
"I know, Ed, I really am sorry. Look, what do you want me to do to make up for it?" Richard was uneasy. He sure had no intention of paying for the damages out of his own pocket!
Ed's hands slammed on the top of his desk and he growled. "You should be getting your damn wages garnished! You're lucky the school doesn't sue you! I should make you..." He was cut off by his phone line ringing to life. He glared once more at Richard before he lifted the receiver. "This is Mr. Rooney."
Vernon watched his employer as he gabbed angrily on the phone with whoever was on the other end. There was no way in hell that he was getting his wages garnished for something that a bunch of good for nothing detention punks did! They were the criminals; the psychotic animals they were! He could not believe children who were almost legal adults could act in such a way! What the hell was happening to the generations?
Richard was lifted from his thoughts as Ed slammed the receiver down. The blonde haired man stared menacingly at his vice principal and sighed. "I think I know a way that we can settle this and call it down the middle."
Richard nodded hopefully. "Anything you want, Ed. I can't afford to have my wages garnished! Petunia is really looking at a new pink and floral - with birds - designed bathroom for our anniversary...she would just die if I didn't do it for her!"
Ed glared at Richard. "You would really paint your fucking bathroom pink?"
Richard snarled. "What would you want me to do to fix this, sir?"
Ed smiled evilly and sat in his leather chair. "Well Ms. Jenkins called in sick today and I am now without a health teacher this afternoon."
Richard looked at the younger man as if he had grown a second head. "Why don't you just call a sub then? I haven't taught a class in six years!"
Rooney rolled his eyes. "Why the hell do you think my secretary, Grace, called it in to me? There is no one available, Dick!"
Richard rolled his eyes and sighed, trying to sound a little more appreciative. "Sorry. What exactly do you want me to teach? Drug and substance abuse? Proper dieting? The best ways to exercise? What's on the agenda?"
Rooney coughed into his fist. "Sex Ed..."
Vernon felt a massive chill run up and down his spine. "What did you just say?"
Ed bit his lip, looking as though he was holding back a smug laugh. "Sexual education."
That was when Vernon felt his head ready to explode. "Sex-ed! Are you fucking crazy? You want me to teach those good for nothing punks about cocks and ovaries? What kind of glue are you on!" When he received a glare for his effort, Richard took another approach. "Can't you just call in a representative from the health unit; they can bring props and are trained to educate!"
Ed looked unimpressed. "You are paid salary to deal with education."
Vernon cringed. "But not sexual education! I majored in history and sociology!"
Rooney folded his arms over his chest. "The material is all there, you just need to read it and present it. You know that our budget will not allow for another guest speaker for this year, Vern. There is only just over two months of the school year left and all that's left to afford is for materials, first aid, senior prom, and now library repairs. I'm sorry, but I can't get a health care worker in."
Vernon growled. "How many periods do I need to do this?"
Ed smiled smugly. "Well, since three of Ms. Jenkins' classes are senior level, I have cancelled them. But because there is a junior level class - and junior level classes cannot be cancelled - you only have to teach it."
Vernon nodded. "Juniors? So it's mostly girls in this sort of class, right?"
Ed just stared at him blankly. "Uh, yeah. Sure. Girls, right."
Vernon straightened out his suit and glanced at the younger principal. "One hour with a bunch of girls should be a piece of cake."
... ... ...
Brian Johnson hurried off to his fifth period class to beat the bell. He had been so worried all morning about the fact that it was Monday - and that he had wanted to see the reactions from his friends he made in detention - but the day so far had been rather uneventful. On a positive note, Claire had waved to him in the hallway, and Bender didn't push him down. He was taking that as a good thing so far.
He turned into his afternoon health class and was surprised to see not only Claire and John, but Andrew and Allison as well. Bender was sitting in the back of the room next to Allison; Claire sat in front of her, while Andrew was seated in front of Claire. Brian was happy that they all at least seemed civilized. He took a seat between Claire and Duckie Dale, and placed his books in front of him. He turned to the red headed girl. "So...health class."
She smiled at him. "Don't you usually sit in the front?"
He blushed. "Well, I thought maybe that I could...you know, sit with - um, like you guys?"
Claire laughed. "Not a problem."
Brian was about to respond with a grin when he was hit on the shoulder from his other side. He turned to face a confused looking Duckie Dale. "Why are you talking to her?"
Ferris Bueller took a seat in front of the Duck-man and spun around. "Phil, Phil...Brian here is just flaunting his charm to the beautiful ladies! There ain't no harm done in that!"
Duckie laughed at Ferris. "I could see that; interesting choice, Johnson. The red hair, the pink cheeks, the curves...I smell the sweet sensation of love, my friend!"
Brian's cheeks burned, but he just ignored the other boys. The rest of the class seemed to sense some excitement, so he turned to face the front of the room where none other than Richard Vernon stood. He dropped his briefcase on top of Ms. Jenkins' desk and glared at the class.
"Good afternoon. I'll be filling in for Miss Jenkins today; she's, uh, ill."
"Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!" John Bender almost squealed with delight and picked up his books, and moved three rows ahead of Brian to sit at the front of the room. The look of absolute horror on Vernon's face screamed volumes at the sight of John.
At the moment, Brian actually felt sorry for Mr. Vernon.
Vernon pointed at Bender with a menacing look on his face. "I swear to god Bender if you mess with me today you will be in detention for the next two months!"
Bender snorted. "Yeah well, I thought we already wrote that on your calendar, Dick."
Vernon ignored his comment and opened up Ms. Jenkins' teaching manual. "Will everyone please turn to page 307 in their textbooks?" Brian pulled his textbook from his knapsack and quickly flipped to the said page number. He almost choked on his own spit when he saw a picture of a girl's private on the front page. Immediately, snickers were heard around the classroom.
"So we are going to uh, start the lesson off with the female reproductive organ. If anyone is uncomfortable with this, please..."
"Would you look at this photography? Am I ever glad the school supplies textbooks for free! Who needs Playboy?" Bender asked loudly. Vernon's face turned bright red and he tried hard to ignore the boy.
"Does anyone want to label the diagram of the area?"
"Isn't that your job?" Andrew asked from in front of Brian.
Vernon began to look flustered. "I think this should be an interactive class, don't you think Mr. Clark?"
"Do I ever!" Bender exclaimed happily. "I think we should partner up, and do some 'interactive work'." He turned in his seat and looked straight at Claire. "I can label your parts!"
"You pig!" The redhead yelled at him. John only laughed in response.
"Mr. Bender, that is enough!" Vernon yelled out. He stared out at the class and looked around, his eyes settling on a nervous Brian. "You, get up here and label the overhead." He turned the projector on, displaying a diagram of the female organs.
Brian wanted to die at that moment.
He slowly made his way up to the front, John slapping him in delight on the way up. Brian stared at Mr. Vernon and swallowed. "Where would you like me to start?"
Vernon rolled his eyes. "Wherever, Peewee. Just hurry up because I don't have all day."
"Um that is a...uh...you know, uh, vagina?" Brian could feel his face and ears completely burn up with embarrassment. A few of his classmates began to snicker, which made him feel even more unsettled.
"There's a clitoris!" Allison pointed out. Brian - once again - almost choked on his own spit as the dark haired girl grinned maniacally at him.
Brian nodded. "Yep, that is a...yep, that's it." He looked back down at the picture and scratched his head. "I think those are labia?"
Bender snorted very loudly. "What about her hole, Brainiac?"
"Okay, bad idea," Vernon ripped the sheet off of the overhead and turned it off while ushering Brian to his seat. "Moving on!" Brian returned to his seat, Duckie and Ferris giving him an approving grin as he sat.
It was going to be a long class.
... ... ...
Claire could not feel anymore awkward than she did at that moment. Mr. Vernon was clearly putting up pornographic images for his own viewing pleasure. It only figured that Bender had to be sitting there enjoying the show as well. He was such a pervert.
"Now we are going to talk about sexual intercourse and its consequences." He cleared his throat and looked back at the class. "Would anyone like to provide some suggestions?"
John stood from his seat. "Orgasms!"
Vernon set his jaw. "Not those consequences!"
John placed his hands on his hips dumbly. "Well then I don't know what you're talking about, or what kind of sex you're having, sir, but..."
"Anyone else?" Vernon asked. Claire glared at John and raised her hand. Vernon gave her a forced smile. "Yes, Miss Standish."
Vernon nodded with a sick look on his face. "Yes, sexually transmitted diseases are a consequence of intercourse." He turned towards the chalk board and wrote down the names of a few diseases. "You can get AIDS, herpes, Chlamydia, and even syphilis."
"What about warts, sir? You know, those big ugly bumpy things that you can get on your..." John shouted out to the class.
"And warts," Vernon quickly cut him off. "You can get gen - uh, warts on your private areas."
"What do they feel like, sir?" John asked again. He had a very smug look on his face that Claire could only decipher as amusement at the present situation.
Vernon seemed to be grinding his teeth together. He looked down in his book and flipped a few pages until he found what he was looking for. "Well, it can be hard to tell sometimes, but..."
"Do you know these symptoms from personal experience?"
"No! I do not know what these disgusting diseases feel like; now please shut your damn mouth, Mr. Bender!" He turned to Claire once more and spoke. "Do you know of any other consequences?"
Claire shrugged her shoulders. "Pregnancy?"
Vernon rolled his eyes. "Obviously; don't say it like you didn't know already." He walked over towards a large box by the front of the classroom and opened it up, pulling out a large pregnancy vest. "Miss Standish, could you please come up here and demonstrate for me."
Claire felt her face pale. "I am not putting that on!" The vest would only make her look horrible. It was a pale tan color, had a very large set of round breasts, and an even larger pregnant 'belly', all of which was held onto the model with straps that connected at the waists and shoulders.
"Now, missy!" He pointed at the spot on the floor directly next to him. She sighed and walked somberly to the front of the room. Immediately she could feel John's eyes on her, which didn't make her feel any better at all. Vernon helped her get into the vest, and then he spun her to face the rest of the classroom.
"Now as you can see, a pregnant woman is...big." He pointed awkwardly to Claire's chest and swallowed. "Her um, chest, uh, area..."
"Her tits?" Bender asked rudely. Claire just wanted to beat him with the damn pregnancy suit already.
"Her breasts," Vernon spat. "Would become larger...and, uh...rounder because of milk, for the uh, baby." He pointed down to the belly. "That is where the baby is."
"How did the baby get there?" Bender asked. Claire quickly undid the straps and returned to her desk as Vernon growled.
... ... ...
Andy just laughed hysterically at John Bender. Any day before that day he probably would have decked the kid and threw him out of the classroom on his ass, but Andrew had a new found respect for the long haired stoner. Andy now found him to be incredibly brave and gutsy - and downright hilarious.
Vernon paced the front of the room; the clock only read twelve twenty which meant that there was still another forty minutes of class. Andy could honestly say that the fact disappointed him just a little; he always enjoyed sex-ed.
"It's when the sperm meets the egg, and the egg turns into a baby!" Vernon said exasperatedly. "I don't know how else to explain it!"
"What's sperm? I thought we ate eggs for breakfast?" Bender asked dumbly. Vernon face dropped more and more as the seconds ticked by. "Is it like chickens?"
Vernon glared at him. "No it is not like chickens! The egg is inside the female, and the sperm is inside the male!"
"So how do they meet then? Does the sperm just walk out to say hello?" Bender was putting on his dumbest face that he could muster. Andy could not even begin to imagine how he was keeping a straight face while he and the other students just laughed at him.
"The man has intercourse with the woman, Bender. That is how they meet, okay?" He pinched the bridge of his nose and turned to the chalkboard and held up a piece of chalk. "Andrew Clark! Up here, front and center."
It was Andrew's laughter that died then. He cleared his throat and made his way up to the front of the room. Vernon stared at him seriously. "Do you know how the sperm and egg meet?"
Andy blinked a few times. "Uh, yeah, I guess."
Vernon sighed. "Good, now draw it on the board." He passed the chalk off to Andrew and folded his arms across his chest. Andy stared at the chalk board and then brought up the chalk to draw a stick figure on its hands and knees. After that, he drew another stick figure kneeling down behind it. Vernon's eyes nearly bulged out of his head. "What in the hell is that, Clark?!"
Andy just blinked. "Sex," He thought it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"That looks like two dogs going at it!" He looked totally embarrassed and began to erase Andrew's diagram from the board. He pushed Andrew forward towards his seat and glared. John raised his hand.
"That was sex, sir. They call that doggy style." The rest of the class began to snicker once more, so John spun around in his seat to look at Andrew. "That's quite the position. You have some good taste."
"Bender!" Vernon shrieked. "I don't want to have to ask you to leave the room!"
John stared at Vernon innocently. "I'm just curious, sir. I want to be prepared."
Vernon rolled his eyes and put his hands on his hips. "I wouldn't be surprised if you were paying for hookers on a weekly basis, you shit. No shut your damn mouth so I can continue the lesson!" He turned back to the rest of the class. "So during the intercourse the male will, um, squirt in the girl which is where the sperm comes from. The sperm then race for the egg and the first one to get there gets to implant itself into the egg."
Bender started laughing. Vernon just glared at him and wanted to talk once more, but Bender's laughter increased in volume and drowned him out. "Oh my god...squirted?"
Vernon's face burned red and he clenched his fists. "Ejaculated."
Bender continued to laugh. "Races to get there?"
"It's like a journey," Vernon added, his face growing even redder. Andrew thought that the older man looked as though he was ready to have an aneurysm.
Bender slapped his knee and stared at the vice principal. "You make it sound like Benny Hanson on prom night."
... ... ...
Allison snorted at Vernon. He was hunched over the teacher's desk with his head in his hands. Moments earlier, Principal Rooney had come in to make sure that Vernon was okay, and told him that he wanted a safe sex demonstration done by the end of the class. Rooney seemed happy with Vernon's predicament, which made the situation all the more humorous for Allison and the rest of her classmates.
Vernon lifted his head from the table and lifted a banana up in front of him. He stared at Allison and motioned for her to come to the front of the classroom. She gathered her courage and made her way towards him.
"I want you to demonstrate the proper use of a condom for the class please." Vernon handed her the banana and a small condom package. She took both items and turned to face the rest of the class. She brought the condom wrapper to her mouth and bit off the top of the package, earning her a cheer from Bender.
"That's how it's done!"
She ignored him and continued to successfully roll the condom down the banana in a slow and gentle fashion, guiding her fingers down the length of it. Vernon smiled at her. "Thank god someone in this class knows what they are doing!"
Just as he was finished talking to himself, Allison squeezed the top of the banana hard, causing whitish, gooey, banana chunk to fill the condom.
"What the hell did you do that for?"
Allison stared at the older man and shrugged. "It squirted."
Vernon's face once more turned that familiar shade of red and he snatched the banana from her hands. She blew her hair from her eyes and grinned at him, which only caused Bender to go into another fit of hysterics.
"Cheer up, Dick, that's what condoms are supposed to do!" He shook his hair from his eyes and grinned. "Catch the mess, right?"
Allison quickly ran back to her seat and watched as Vernon finally snapped and began tossing his papers back into his briefcase. "You idiots are so simple minded! What is so damn hard about just shutting the hell up and listening so you don't knock some whore up before graduation?" He took handfuls of condoms and began tossing them at the students. "Take those and use them!"
Bender - being the horny prick that he was - got up from his seat and was the only one stuffing the condoms into his pockets. "Thank you, sir."
Vernon just stopped and stared at Bender, pointing a large index finger at him. "If you ever reproduce...I'll...I'll...kill it and then castrate you!" Bender only grinned and nodded at the older man. He collected his briefcase and left the room, slamming the door behind him.
Bender just looked at the rest of the class with his hands on his hips and a look of mock sorrow on his face. "I don't think Petunia is giving out to poor Dick."
... ... ...
Vernon stormed into Rooney's office two minutes before the bell was scheduled to go off. He threw his briefcase on the younger man's desk and loosened his tie. He was panting heavily and looked as though he had just been involved in a rodeo, or bull fight, or something.
"Are you okay, Dick?" Rooney asked seriously.
The room was so quiet a pin drop could be heard. "Don't use that word, right now." Vernon ordered.
Rooney furrowed his eyebrows. "Excuse me, Dick? What is the problem here?"
"Dick! Cock! Penis! I don't wanna hear anymore of this perverted bullshit! What the hell are we teaching these kids with this doggy style, and cum, and tits?! What the fuck is wrong with us? With me?! WITH YOU?!" Vernon seethed and was turning redder by the second.
Rooney was pretty sure that he had gotten his payback from Richard Vernon.
"Why don't you go home and get started on Petunia's bathroom, Rich. I'm sure she would like that..." Ed suggested. He was worried about his employee.
"I don't want to see that woman - or any other woman for that matter! I'm taking the week off and I don't give a shit what you say about it, Ed!" Vernon rolled up his sleeves and began marching towards the door.
Ed cleared his throat. "So you don't want to take up another class tomorrow?"
The only thing heard was a door slam and a muffled sniffling from the other side. Ed smiled to himself and began writing a check to the repair company for the library doors. It was damn good to be in charge.
... ... ...
Disclaimer: I do not own the Breakfast Club, Ed Rooney, Ferris Bueller, Grace, Duckie Dale, or Benny Hanson. I also do not own Petunia, Sweet Sadie does.