I was curled up on the bed next to Frank who was sitting with his back against the headboard, trying to apply his eyeliner.
For some reason the side of my head had become a sudden target.
"Don't be such a bitch" he shot back.
"Don't be so fucking annoying." I said, my voice muffled by the pillow.
"Here, take these" I heard Mikey say, then I felt something hard hit my hand and slide off onto the bed beside me.
I threw off the pillow making sure I hit Frank with it.
"Hey!" he exclaimed when my movement caused him to smudge his make-up.
"Deal" I hissed, snatching up what Mikey had thrown me. Painkillers.
I dragged my self off the bed and hauled myself into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me.
I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyeliner was caking and smudged. My black hair was greasy and unwashed. The scars on my neck and arms looked more menacing then they ever had, the fresh cuts revolting me to the point of nausea.
I bent over the sink and vomited. I could feel the bile coming up my throat, burning my insides. I hadn't eaten anything in days. Nor had I slept. The dark purple brusing underneath my eyes displayed that lack of sleep.
I popped six tablets from the packet and threw the now empty packaging into the bin. I threw back the little white tablets without hesitation.
I choked them down and then slumped on the floor at the base of the sink. My head in my hands. I wanted this all to end.
"What's up with him?" Frank asked.
"Headache." Mikey replied.
"Just a headache?" Frank asked, looking up from his mirror.
"Probably not but thats what we're supposed to believe." Ray cut in.
"What we're supposed to believe?" Frank half-yelled. "Why the fuck are you guys just accepting it?"
"It's okay. It's his way of dealing" Bob said, trying to calm him.
Oh yeah, like loading yourself up on painkillers and not eating or sleeping was a way to deal.
"Fuck, you guys." Frank said, slamming down the eyeliner and compact on the bedside dresser. "He could be in there offing himself right now."
"Have faith in him Frank." Mikey said, lowering his eyes to the floor.
Frank did have faith in Gerard, he just didn't know if Gerard still had faith in himself.
"Just for the record, I wasn't attempting to off myself. What was I gonna do? Choke myself with a bath towel?" Gerard said calmly as he entered the room.
He was well composed now, in control.
Or trying to be.
No one replied to that question it seemed rhetorical even if it hadn't been intended that way.
"Anyone up for takeout?" Ray suddenly cut the silence.
There was a murmered agreement. Mikey and Bob said they'd come along to go and get the takeout.
Gerard had taken back up the position on the bed. Curled in a foetal position, his sleeves were pulled down over his fingers, his hands bunched together, shielding his face.
It seemed he wouldn't be coming.
Frank said, "I'm not coming..." the end of his sentence seemed obvious between them. ...I'm going to stay and look after Gerard.
As soon as he heard the door close Frank drew in a deep breath and reached over to gently grasp Gerard's shoulder. "Gee..." he started.
"What Frankie?" Gerard's voice was thick and muffled by his sleeves.
Frank's well-planned speech was lost. Completely wiped from his mind by the surprising softness of Gerard's voice.
"Gerard..." Frank was trying to find the best approach. "I love you" he said, closing his eyes, waiting for the reply. He had decided that utmost directness should be his tactic.
Gerard stayed silent for a moment.
"Frank," his voice had changed from the tears he was holding back. "Please don't."
"Please don't what?"
"Please don't do that." Gerard replied.
Frank sighed inwardly, Gerard was being difficult again.
Frank bent down and rested his head on Gerard's shoulder.
"I do, y'know" he said softly. "So don't do anything stupid or I'd die too"
"Frank... I" Gerard turned his head so that he could look into Frank's eyes. "I won't. I promise."
"You better come good with that promise Gerard Arthur Way or there'll be hell to pay."
"I'll come good, don't worry."
Frank leant down and kissed Gerard lightly on the cheek.
"Goodnight." he said. "You'd better be here tomorrow"
I promise I will be/, Gerard thought. /I'll fight it, I need to.