FicWad

james scanned the behind the scenes area, ryan was sitting in the corner talking on the phone, andrey helped robbie tune his bass, mikey,gerard, alicia and lindsay were laughing about something, a few people from their record company were having a drink with some of the crew man, nicky was nowhere in sight.
he scanned the room again just in case he missed her among all the people, where could she be? everyone was in the room so obviously she was alone and they supposed to go on stage soon, nicky didn't like to be alone before a gig, it made her nervous.
james was worried, you may think that a 26 years old can take care of herself but james knew better and horrible scenes began flashing before his eyes, the place was packed with crazy fans and just crazy people that would like a piece of her , where could she be?
"have you seen nicky?" he approached gerard,mikey, alicia and his own girlfriend lindsay.
they all looked around and shooked their heads. "she got a call from her mother so she went to find a quiet place to talk", said gerard, "but it was like half an hour ago".
he saw james and lindsay exchange worried looks and understood something was not right, then both james and lindsay excused themselves and disapeared, now gerard was really concerened he felt like he's missing something but couldn't understand what it was, he left the room as well to look for nicky.
"where can she be? wondered james half to himself, half to lindsay.
"that horrible women again...", hissed lindsay angrily.
gerard looked in the dressing room first, he heard running water from the bathroom, he felt so relieved it felt like fading.
he knocked. no answer.
"nicky are you there?", he tried turnning the nob, still no sound except for the running water.
"nicky sweetie?", he tried again.
"i'll be right there" came nicky's chocked voice. he could tell she was crying.
"what happened honey?", he asked alarmed again.
"nothing, the bloody mascara got in my eyes again" nicky tried to sound cheerful but he heard the sobs and it stabbed his ears like a thousand sharp swords.
"come on sweetheart what happened, let me in", he pleaded, "please...pretty please".
the key moved slowly in the key hole and gerard turned the nob, the sight that was revealed to him was horrible to him and made his stomach and everything in it flip.
nicola was sitting on the floor staring blankly onto the floor, her hair was tosseled, the black marks from the running mascara on her chicks made her look even paler than she already was except for her eyes and nose that were red, her cell phone was lying besides her, she looked so helpless.
gerard flung on the floor beside her and took her into his arms patting her head and back, that made her weep even harder and she held on to him as tightly as she could.
"shhhh, what's wrong nixy?" he kissed her head and attempted to calm her down, at this point she was crying even harder, shaking like a fallen leaf in fall.
after a while of calming words and patting, nicola started to gain some control on herself and her body relaxed in gerards arms.
she drew back from him, grabbed a towel and dryed her tears, her head hurt and she felt like a failure for letting him see her like this.
"what's wrong sweetie?", asked gerard again patting her slender shoulder.
"just the usual conversation with my dear old mother", nicky's voice was poisonous and bitter, "i haven't seen her in ages and moved miles away from her but she still hunts me down and ripps me apart everytime we talk. who said there's nothing good in modern technology".
gerard knew about the complex relationship nicola had with her mother but he never knew it was this bad.
"she always make me feel like i should just crawl somewhere and die, she makes me feel worthless and useless, like she's any better, oh how i hate her" nicola spat with anger, " i always feel like i'm 12 again after talking to her".
"i don't want to see or hear from her again, as far as i'm concerened she never had a daughter...i can't even speak clearly with her, i can't find the words to express how much i hate her and she takes advantage of this and make me feel even more stupid", she could feel the tears walling in her eyes again, "goddddd".
"that's ok she can't harm you with her words as long as i live" gerard embraced her even closer which made her cry again.
they sat like this for a while on the cold bathroom floor, nicola felt alive again, her tears still rolled down her cheeks and on to gerards shoulder but she felt better.
"but she's right you know, the only thing i'm good at is to fake perfection to hide all my anger, sadness and eating disorders", nicola whispered in his shoulder sobbing again, "you should really leave me here and find a normal girl that will make you happy because you deserve happiness".
"i never coped well with normal" smiled gerard in her hair. she kissed his now wet neck and tasted the saltness of her own tears.
"i didn't knew you had eating disorders" said gerard with deep concern in his voice.
"told you i'm good at masking it, i'm the perfect polite girl everybody wants me to be but behind it all i fall to pieces and nobody knows, but now i just don't give a fuck they're all welcomed to my breaking fest"
gerard held on even tighter.
"nicky where are you" came lindsay's voice.
"i'll be out in a second" nicky called into gerards shoulder.
"that's why i love this band so much, i get to break down for all i want and they just give me a hug and write a song about it" smiled nicky. she broke herself from gerard's shoulder and looked in his eyes "i love you", her shy smile appeard.
"i love you more than i can handle" whispered gerard.
nicky leaned to kiss his soft lips and got off the floor to fix her make up. gerard watched her the whole time, he loved her more that she could possibly know and her tears and pain hurt him more than they did to her.
they walked out of the bathroom holding hands, james and lindsay stood up off the sofa and each hugged nicky, they knew what was up, it wasn't the first time nicky broke down after conversation with her mother but it was the first time they weren't the ones to pick up the pieces.