- I like your description of Kilika life for a young child. It seems that must actually be true of life in most small villages on Spira, it can't have ever been exactly safe. I also like your idea of a little journey through the jungle to the Temple. It seems like something reckless young children would do.
First section, third paragraph: "Then there came Langt whose graceful inches made him the object of admiration from all who saw him." This description of Langt is a bit confusing to me. I am not sure what you are getting at by "graceful inches."
Second section, paragraph fifteen: "Aquil breathed happily, "It's a great day for adventures!" just before he tumbled head-first into a pile of leap mould with a startled cry.
" Just a typo "leap" should be "leaf."
Your little band of adventurers is an interesting mix of personalities. I especially enjoy Talya's wish to have been a boy so she could be just like Nooj.
I enjoy Nooj's attamepts to behave like and adult, but even more I enjoy his fairness. When Langt explains that he doesn't want to be a Warrior, Nooj ceases mocking him and says he'll protect him.
I do think that these children perhaps behave a bit more grown up than they would, but I think that's probably deliberate on your part and I guess that Spira would require one to grow up before one's time. I also don't believe I know their exact ages.
Of course the story is still interesting for all that the children act a little more grown up than usual. Nooj's reaction to his first kill is interesting. It is natural, I believe that he should be disgusted, where he differs from others is in his lack of real fear. He won't lie about the situation and doesn't seem to feel any actual remorse over something that was necessary.
It is interesting the way you also enter into the consciousness of each child before the event, during the event and afterwards. Nooj's final thoughts are very disconcerting, but believable for his character.
Langt was the only one who felt, to me, a bit like a charicature. He had a calling, I suppose, but he just seemed too calm and withdrawn from the events for someone who had behaved as if he were frightened at the beginning of the adventure.
At any rate this was certainly an interesting beginning to Nooj's career as a warrior. I find myself glad that I didn't grow up in Kilika. Heh.
Author\'s Response: "graceful inches" - 'inches' is a fairly common synonym for 'height'. I was using it to describe him as gracefully tall like a willow tree. I am in trouble when I try to write children because I do not know any. LOL This was as close as I could get to how kids around the age of thirteen would act. And I also, being thoroughly anti-clerical, have a problem understanding Langt. This, again, is intended to lay the groundwork for what Nooj will become. I have to account for his deliberate decisions to become ... well, that is told in "The Exit". ;) I greatly appreciate your thoughtful reviews.
Sign up to review this story.